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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ok what do you call this ?

89 replies

Tempnamelady · 16/08/2020 21:27

Sounds ridiculous it really does. DH , history of anxiety /OCD and messes about with his meds , has just come off Sertaline of his own volition because he reckons ‘ it wasn’t helping’.He has accessed counselling via my private healthcare but never discusses much of what is said with me even if I ask. Has very fixed opinions and hates being challenged. His football team are playing tonight not that well and he becomes really shouty and negative , arguing with adult DS to the point where he is now sulking in the back room and DS keeps popping in and trying to coax him back in . I just can’t bear it, i said it’s controlling and he saw his arse.Feel embarrassed tbh and DH girlfriend is staying and probably thinks he’s a complete dick , which I agree with. This ridiculous scenario or similar has happened on numerous occasions over the years to the point where it’s caused arguments.
I’m upstairs drinking wine but fuming tbh, DS is such a lovely kid and I just can’t understand why DH gets so wound up.

On the anxiety /OCD front there have been several bouts in recent years, they have never stopped him going to the pub multiple nights ( because socialising helps) and that I ‘don’t understand’ and ‘ haven’t been supportive’ . Sick of it all to be honest , nothing about being with him makes me happy, I rely on my hobbies and friends for enjoyment. We are in our 50s , have no money worries and I have a successful career. He is retired from his main job but back working in a stress free job with lots of time off. I do all the life admin , finances etc and never ask him for help with anything.

Sorry to offload but I don’t know what I can do to change things.The thought of retirement with him frankly depresses me , luckily I love my job and will be working for as long as I can.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 17/08/2020 16:04

You’re only 49!!! Oh op, at 49 I hope to have recently moved into the house of my dreams, have the first of my children getting closer to university ... basically i hope life then will be amazing! And another 30 odd years to enjoy it. Please don’t put up with this lead weight for the next 20-40 years. You deserve to celebrate your 50th with a great job, lovely children, and the waste of space gone.

Geppili · 17/08/2020 16:40

Just seen your updates. He is awful! It's not your job to worry about him coping if you split. He is an adult! A privileged financially secure adult. He will probably have a massive fit about it threaten suicide even, but he would be behaving like a toddler. Dump him dump him dump him!!! Is your physical life good?

Original poster

Tempnamelady · 17/08/2020 16:51

@Geppili my physical life ?

So he came in unrepentant and said it’s as much to do with how I
Am with him as the other way round . I said I have that way because of the way he behaves ( we are never going to agree on this are we). So basically at this point we are agreeing to separate but I’m sure this isn’t the end of it all tonight . Feel sick if I’m honest.he said I don’t deal well with or understand his MH issues . Just don’t know what to think anymore.

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Original poster

Tempnamelady · 17/08/2020 17:14

Also last night was a ‘blip’ .

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Vodkacranberryplease · 17/08/2020 17:22

Unrepentant. Yes of course he was. I bet he doesn't do apologies. He's always right isn't he? I bet if you start to think about it you'll realise you are the only one putting the effort in. Accommodating, apologising, smoothing things over. He's the one that always needs to be placated. Poor little man. Why don't you make him a nice milky drink and tell him how wonderful he is?

Vodkacranberryplease · 17/08/2020 17:27

I think she means your sex life. You do have one don't you? Although in between the booze and ssris and sulking I'm not sure how you would.

Or how you can. Men like this are literally the least sexy thing ever.

Original poster

Tempnamelady · 17/08/2020 17:37

Not very often. But more me than him if someone is getting you down you don’t really want to do you.

Just feel sick. My poor DS - he is the light of my life and adores his dad.

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category12 · 17/08/2020 17:43

It wasn't a blip though, was it? It's a repeating pattern.

He's not exactly a sterling example for your ds, tho, is he? Your ds would probably benefit from not being at the mercy of your dh's moods 24/7 - after all, it affects him just as much as you. The two of them can still have a good relationship without you staying with his father.

Original poster

Tempnamelady · 17/08/2020 17:53

DS is 21 , he loves us both equally and I gave to be prepared for the fact he might choose to live with his dad . Jesus , we’ve a house , a child two dogs a caravan and 23 years of history where do I start

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category12 · 17/08/2020 17:58

At 21, you won't have him living with either of you that much longer - he's gonna fly the coop some time.

It's like eating an elephant - one bite at a time. All can be sorted, bit by bit.

Original poster

Tempnamelady · 17/08/2020 20:59

He’s just been up really upset saying he has been trying with his MH and it is ironic that we are having this conversation now and what that might do for his MH. And that I haven’t helped with having a go at him over minor things. We have agreed to move to separate rooms and consider one of us leaving for a while to see how that goes . I just feel sick and guilty and shit like I should just say let’s sort it out but I feel like I could be in this position again in 6 months time .I just don’t know what to do x

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Vodkacranberryplease · 17/08/2020 21:04

Don't give into the emotional blackmail for starters. You will be doing both of you a favour

The more you allow this the more you are enabling it. He needs to be held to account and face consequences. You don't have to be nasty about it but let's face it you don't want him the way he currently is so why give in over some misplaced feelings of guilt? This is on him.

Vodkacranberryplease · 17/08/2020 21:05

He's a spoilt, indulged shit. I have had serious depression and would never dream of saying this kind of shit. It's manipulative. He was perfectly well when he was tearing strips off you wasnt he? What a twat.

Geppili · 17/08/2020 21:07

Op, you are doing so well! Just take some breathing space and try not to feel guilty. Try to think about what YOU need and want. I asked about your sex life because I was trying to help you focus on what you really get out of this marriage. It sounds like you do so much and he's happy being down the pub. I am 51 with much younger DC and I would not put up with this. He has worn you down and is I think gaslighting you about his mental he waltz. Take it one day at a time!

Geppili · 17/08/2020 21:08

Mental health

category12 · 17/08/2020 21:12

He’s just been up really upset saying he has been trying with his MH Do you notice that he is continuing to entirely push the responsibility onto you? He's been trying? Oh yeah, by going off his medication and being an asshole?
it is ironic that we are having this conversation now and what that might do for his MH. Notice the threat/blame for you showing signs of not tolerating his shitty behaviour?
And that I haven’t helped with having a go at him over minor things. So you can't be human and you must ignore everything crappy he does and just put up with it?

He's utterly manipulative and woe-is-him, isn't he?

How many years has it been like this?

In your heart of hearts, do you believe he either wants or is capable of changing? It doesn't sound like he has any interest in changing. All he wants is for you to STFU and go back to normal service.

Vodkacranberryplease · 17/08/2020 21:15

You don't enjoy life with him.

He fucked up your Xmas and a much needed break YOU paid for.

He's a miserable fucker except when he's with his mates.

Now he's whining that you are fucking up his MH but has twigged that you're not snapping to attention quite as fast as usual do is trying to get your pity as well.

OMG... MAKE IT STOP 😮😮

leafeater · 17/08/2020 21:16

I think when he says he's been trying with his MH meant he wanted to come off his Setraline and see how it went. What he's failing to realise is that by doing that, he's making life intolerable for you and your ds.

He probably feels more 'real' but that doesn't work for you. So he has to make a choice, as do you.

Vodkacranberryplease · 17/08/2020 21:16

I can't believe his cop mates put up with any of this shit. He would have been slapped down pdq with this rubbish.

I bet he's not like this down the pub. I bet he's the life and soul. Ugh.

Elieza · 17/08/2020 21:29

He’s responsible for his own mental health. He’s not doing anything to improve it. Taking prescription meds, speaking to the doctor if they arent working and getting others, counselling, stopping all alcohol, meditation/relaxation/yoga or tai chi, taking regular exercise and losing weight if overweight (I’m guessing from the snoring he may be) - those are an example if things get should be doing to improve his mental health.

He’s doing fuck all to improve his mental health.

it’s not you who doesn’t want him to get better - HE’S the one who ‘doesn’t want to get any better’ because
a) there’s bugger all wrong with him, and
b) if he does ‘get better ‘ then he no longer has an excuse to wave about over your head to manipulate you into doing things for him.

Please let your mum or one or two of your pals in real life know what’s happening.

It’s a dangerous time when you split with a guy. Especially one whose had you as their play thing for years. They can snap at the prospect of losing their whipping boy and become aggressive. Don’t freak out OP, I’m trying to protect you.

So if others know the position then if he does hit you or something they can tell the police. Then if he tries to say you were very much in love and it must have been a burglar that hit you they can say no, you were leaving him as he’s an aggressive arsehole.

Now is the time to go OP. You’re not old yet. You deserve to be happy.

Ellie56 · 17/08/2020 21:32

It's called being an emotionally abusive, selfish controlling twat.

You deserve better than this. Dump him and let him get on with his mental health issues which conveniently never get in the way of socialising with his mates down the pub.

Original poster

Tempnamelady · 17/08/2020 21:36

I know what you are saying is right, but I hate seeing him upset. If I am painting a picture that he is awful all the time, then that is unfair . We were away last week and it was ok.But it’s always there and last time was intolerable. I was let it go to an extent but hearing DS trying to coax him back in really upset me and that’s when I got involved with the usual consequences.

It’s just I always feel it’s on his terms.Anyway you’ve all laid it out for me for which I am truly grateful. I have a lot of thinking to do. I have offered to move out For a while as I think one of us needs to and I’ve no MH to contend with. I can afford it but you don’t get much for your money paying rent do you, we live in an expensive area (

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Original poster

Tempnamelady · 17/08/2020 21:38

@elieza I’m not worried about him getting aggressive.Plus DS is here. I have told a couple of my pals.

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Geppili · 17/08/2020 22:21

He should move out! He could use time for reflection and to get stable. Make him fend for himself a bit!

Original poster

Tempnamelady · 17/08/2020 22:28

@geppili i would not know a nights sleep with him feeling low in a grotty flat, me not so bothered I will be fine.

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