Husband does not respect me

[screamingchild]

How do i stand up for myself in a marriage where I am made to feel like a child? Rules to follow, apologies to make, explanations to give. I have to check things are to his liking, my tastes are belittled or ignored, and I get told off in front of our children. It's usually minor stuff, but by the end of the day, it's accumulated into me feeling useless. DH says it's in my head. I see my married friends talk to each other with respect and friendship. I don't feel like we have these things. Even just writing this he has moaned at me for leaving a pile of hair in the shower that I cleared out of the plug this morning. Surely he could have just reminded me it was there instead of insulting me as he walked passed. I feel so alone. We've been together for 18 years.

I would continue to confront him when he does these things.
I would also quietly look at getting a job and some financial freedom so if you choose to leave in the future, you have the means to go.

He is correct.
You have awful taste...
In men.
Now get rid.
Imagine how amazing your life & home would be...
I remember throwing my exh out and decorating MY bedroom!!.

I get a thrill when i buy things for the house that i know my ex would have vetoed. Leopard print duvet set? Why not. Silver glittery toilet seat? Yes please. Flamingo fairy lights, picture of the madonna with LED light up heart, painting of my dog wearing regency costume? Yes yes and yes. It’s not everyone’s taste but it’s mine and it makes me happy, i’d tell him to kiss my arse but he should be so lucky.

What you, and op’s dp mean, is that op and your dh have DIFFERENT tastes, and yours are most important

Oh cmon, there has been hundreds of threads on this over the years, “my spouse has shite taste and decorates like it’s a student flat” and everyone is like yup, mine too, just try to give them examples of what to buy so you don’t end up with a house full of shite.

Some folks simply have shite taste in everyone’s view and most admit it openly that they have no vision and no clue.

My worry for you would be that your DC pick up on this and start speaking to you like this too. That would be devastating. If he won't stop, you need to get them out of this situation so they don't grow up like him.

I hate to say it (and will get flamed) but most people have pretty questionable taste. It's my industry and so even though I'm not a natural I know what I'm looking at.

Which means that the husband almost certainly has shit taste himself. I'm imagining faux antiques, old fashioned curtains etc. With the OP I'm feeling frilly, maybe cheery embroidered slogans on cushions, 'fun' figurines.

He's in no position to dictate. I absolutely guarantee it.

Reading the Times today & a problem for Prof Tanya Byron (who normally takes the 'get therapy' approach) with a lady who had a controlling husband ended up with her saying hes an abuser etc - no mention of therapy at all! Just like she was a MNetter (she might well be!)

Anyway she recommended a book called Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven

Could be very useful OP.

So he swears at you, belittles you then gaslights you.

Not normal or healthy.

Leave him.

What's gaslighting?

A man would only get to call me a bitch once.

Seriously OP? It's where they swear black and blue that something is what they say it is even though you know it isn't and question your judgement and sanity. You know he said x and y. He denies it and calls you mad.

Not everyone who is a dick is gaslighting and I hesitated to join this thread because I thought he was 'just' a knob. Be he's much more. Read that book. It's time to open your eyes.

@vodkacranberrypleade It's too late for me to get hold of todays Times, but would be be able to post an image of that Tanya Bryon article?

He called you a bitch? Gosh op that's awful. Why would you hang around and whitewash over that? Its disgusting. He is a horrible bully who belittles and shames you. Get out before your kids learn to think that it is ok to talk to people the way he talks to you.

Gaslighting covers numerous behaviours where the aim is to make you feel like you are wrong/stupid/imagining things and overreacting. Or, going nuts. In an attempt to stop you from challenging them when they act like assholes. They want tou to think you are the one with the problem.

Example, they say something and then ten minutes later, deny saying it. Or say the opposite. And if you inquire as to why they are saying the opposite, you will get 'I never said that. You're imagining things'. They want you to doubt your own judgement.

OP seriously he is horrible. Get rid.

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/my-husband-controls-everything-including-what-i-eat-and-i-have-put-on-four-stone-fmwc6cbrl

Thank you. I've read the articles/websites recommended by posters on here and will also seek out that book.

Btw the lady who wrote it runs the freedom
Program. She's an ex probation officer who worked with male DV offenders for years.

Just read back what you wrote there op 'I just wish he listened to me and respected my values and opinions'. Umm...like any normal decent human being would you mean? And, without having to be told to do so.

How is he a nice guy if he doesnt listen to or respect the woman he is supposed to love? How is he a good father if he treats his kids mother like shit? - He isn't. He is a bad influence on them. At best.

Has anyones partner who treats them like this ever changed and realised what they were doing?

@screamingchild

What's gaslighting?

Trying to normalise something unacceptable. Trying to make you doubt your own right to an emotion/feeling, trying to make you feel that you're making excessive demands when you're just asking for the most basic level of consideration/

That's very basic gaslighting but there are levels. Skilled gaslighters can talk perfectly intelligent women in to being ''cool'' with a polyamorous relationship for example

They do realise what they are doing. WE just don't realise that. Or we just dont want to see it. Because that would mean realising that someone we love, doesn't feel the same for us.

That infact, they hate us and mean us harm. And that's a terrifying and heartbreaking thought.

But the fact is - people who love us, dont constantly say and do hurtful things to us, fail to show remorse or empathy for our pain or need it to be explained to them why their obviously hurtful behaviour is hurtful.

So a gaslighting convo might go something like:

you:'hey I'm not ok with you calling me a bitch'

'yeah? Well you did a, b and c to me' (irrelevant stuff from years ago)

'but that was years ago and you I didnt mean it like that. And we're talking about how it was hurtful for to call me a bitch today'

He looks at you as if he just.doesnt.get it.

You feel the need to explain it to him more/differently
'Anyone would find it hurtful. It makes me feel like you dont care'

'You are always overreacting. I was only joking anyways. Cant you take a joke?'

You start to feel like you just havent explained it right. If you did, he would understand how hurtful he had been...right?

He continues: 'I said it in a joking way (he didnt). I think you misread me and misderstood'

Did you...could you have misheard, you wonder?

So what was wrong with that convo? One, you should never have to explain to someone WHY calling you a bitch was wrong or hurtful. Two, there was no appology. Three, he tried to reverse it onto you and make you the bad guy by bringing up some perceived slight from your past which may not even have been relevant. Four, he tries to convince you that you're feelings arent valid and you are overreacting for being upset at something anyone would be upset by. And five, you are left questioning your own judgement. ...oh and 6, the fact that he called you a bitch in the first place.

Perhaps he throws in some choice sentences like 'I'm sorry YOU feel that way' (this does not mean the same as 'im sorry'). Or 'I never actually said that' or 'are you on your period?'. All if this is designed to make you question your own sanity. So that you stop looking at his abhorrent behaviour.

Yes, it’s a golden rule. If you have to explain basic politeness and standards in your relationship- you don’t have one.

So many women say they get confused by their husbands not acknowledging them. Don’t get confused. Understand- he doesn’t respect you enough to do something which is basic. If you have to explain that, it’s not a relationship.

And just a heads up, normal neurotypical people do not gaslight (well, maybe the odd teenager on occasion xD). It is something disordered people do. Abusers.