Husband does not respect me

[screamingchild]

How do i stand up for myself in a marriage where I am made to feel like a child? Rules to follow, apologies to make, explanations to give. I have to check things are to his liking, my tastes are belittled or ignored, and I get told off in front of our children. It's usually minor stuff, but by the end of the day, it's accumulated into me feeling useless. DH says it's in my head. I see my married friends talk to each other with respect and friendship. I don't feel like we have these things. Even just writing this he has moaned at me for leaving a pile of hair in the shower that I cleared out of the plug this morning. Surely he could have just reminded me it was there instead of insulting me as he walked passed. I feel so alone. We've been together for 18 years.

Please leave, it's the best thing you can do. It's abusive and awful. Honestly please get out.

No my husband has never spoken to me like that. I would not see a future with a man like that. Being a SAHM may be making him resentful. Was this jointly agreed? Did you want to give up your job?

Oh OP, this man does not respect ou and he never will. Even if he doesn’t like you, which he clearly doesn’t if he’s so disrespectful towards you, he still wouldn’t be justified in treating you this way.

You’re framing the question all wrong. The question is not what can you do to earn his respect, the question should be, why does he stick around if he really doesn’t like you?

I’ll give you a clue, and it’s not for the kids. The reason is that he enjoys belittling you and making you feel small. By putting you down he feels bigger, and by controlling you he makes himself feel powerful.

Don’t forget that what your kids see when they are growing up will be their template for life. This is normal to them. Speaking to you like a piece of shit will be just an every day, or three times a day thing. What about when they grow up and have partners of their own? Do you think they’ll just forget everything they have been shown about being in a relationship.

OP this is not ok, and there’s nothing you can do that will ever make it ok. Please get some help, because however small you feel now, every day you’ll feel a little bit smaller, and every time your DC see your H being an arsehole to you it’ll become a little bit more normal, a little bit more acceptable.

OP you’re worth more than this, a lot more, and so are your DC and so are their future partners.

@Vodkacranberryplease

As in thIs situation, not whether threads are or aren't worse. You were in this position, now arent, and presumably have some advice?

Ah sorry I misunderstood your question. Yes, as i explained in my lengthy first post at 21.00 on this thread i am no longer with my ex and am rebuilding my life although it is very overwhelming, and op probably feels it is impossible. I also mentioned the long term issues being subjected to this behaviour left me with, and how it has affected my dc. But change is possible, as the dc get older, start school. The most important thing, thinking about it more, is to tell someone irl.

You say you can’t leave him? Well actually you can, it may take time and courage but do you really think your kids don’t hear him belittling you? Do you really think he is a good example to your children? Who may grow up doing the same to their partner because that’s what they have learnt from him?

You need to put your children first here, he is not a good example and you need to take them and leave

I’m not blithely saying anything! I had one a lot like this (not exactly but just as horrible) and I have been divorced for 2 years.

@MadameButterface ah yes I saw your post! Terrible with detail I'm afraid and didn't register it was you .

Anyway, quite right too. This kind of thing leaves awful scars. I think that people don't realise when they are busy being 'understanding' exactly the effect this will have on them. Allowing someone to verbal abuse you three time's a day is pretty much self harm imho. I don't mean that in a victim blaming way - more never underestimate how much damage this kind of thing can do.

@Vodkacranberryplease absolutely agree. It is very destructive to our sense of self when we are treated with contempt. The level of cognitive dissonance required to believe that the relationship is good, that the spouse is a good person, while also tolerating awful behaviour causes lasting damage. I bought the book Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay at one point and there was a passage about it that called it ‘an act of psychological self mutilation’ that really hit home, let me see if a photo will upload.

I would recommend that book, btw, to anyone, in any kind of relationship, because it really made me think a lot in general about boundaries and what i want from life.

Woah thank you so much for replying with your advice and own experiences. Reading them gave me the strength to confront DH about his behaviour towards me earlier today. When joining me on the sofa this evening, he mentioned that I've been in a mood with him all day. I haven't and asked him to elaborate. He said 'ok then just this evening' I told him that he can't make a sweeping statement like that because that could make me feel a bit crazy, like I've been moody all day and not realised. He apologised and said I was only moody this evening and he guesses I'm probably 'due on'. I told him that he can't speak to me like that as it's disrespectful and irrelevant.
I then pulled him up on the name calling incident from earlier, and remembering some kind words from this post, I was able to speak assertively to tell him that he cannot patronise me if he disagrees with me over something and that the reason I snapped at him was because I shutting him down so I didn't have to listen to the lecture he was about to give me over why I was wrong when I commented on the news. He started to justify himself so I told him that If he has a different opinion, he cannot put on his patronising tone and speak down to me like a child otherwise I will shut him down again like I did earlier. I said I knew he didn't like me doing that but it is not a reason to swear at me and call me names. He actually shut up then and I actually feel like he listened, and I felt stronger for saying it.
I'm going to reread your replies.
He is financially controlling to a degree... he calls it 'his money' but i can buy clothes, make up, gadgets for the kitchen, whatever groceries I like. I can't however purchase anything pretty or decorative for the house or garden though as he says I've got horrible taste.

He's not an arsehole though. He's a great Dad.
He is an arsehole. And not a greta and at all.

He is emotionally and financially abusive.

His behaviours are straight out of the manual.
newdirectionsshelter.org/red-flags-of-abusive-relationships/

OP I keep recommending this author because he is so amazingly clever - a therapist who spent years coaching mostly wives to get their husbands to stop acting like pigs. Dr Paul Hauck. He wrote one called be your own best friend. And dealing with difficult people.

If you want this to stop you need to make a consistent (that's every single time) effort to very firmly put him in his place. You need to tell him that you will buy things for the house (how dare he say that! It's your bloody house too and you spend a lot more time in it than he does!) and generally take all of his power off him. He won't like it but you are doing him no favours letting him carry on like this. It's not making him happy, and it's not making him love you. In fact being such a doormat is making him feel bad. How can he be a fabulous alpha man when his wife is a wet rag?

Buy one of Paul Haucks books. Amazon probably paperback only. Read it and put it into action. Get him under control for all of your sakes. And don't let anything get past you in the meantime - just like you did tonight. Well done btw. You can do this.

I can't however purchase anything pretty or decorative for the house or garden though as he says I've got horrible taste

To be fair, that could be controlling or it could Be you do actually have terrible taste. My husband does and I’d infininitely prefer he did not buy stuff for the house, and that we decided together or I decided.

Sounds like a right cock OP - l would take control and fight back every time he talks to you like that - call him out on it on every single occasion. Ask him who he thinks he is. Stay calm. No need to shout or cry, l think that is much more effective. Are you in a position to leave?

OP the behaviour you describe, ignoring your husband and just turning away and getting on with things when he is nasty is what my ex mil did for her whole marriage. And guess what ,she did this when her son ( my ex ) carried on the family tradition. He also spoke to her like shit and she would raise her eyes at me in a " what is he like " motion.
When he tried it on me , she took me aside and said " you just have to ignore him when hes like this " .
I got the hell out of there before MY son learned this behaviour from his dad.
You cant stand up to these abusive arsholes with words , you need to vote with your feet !

I disagree that you can "re-train" these men to become nicer. Once someone has verbally abused you in this way, it's a lost cause. I speak from experience.

OP you are being abused.

This does erode your self-esteem over time.

My xh was like this. He treated me like an incompetent employee.

Please leave and start again.

I can't however purchase anything pretty or decorative for the house or garden though as he says I've got horrible taste

To be fair, that could be controlling or it could Be you do actually have terrible taste. My husband does and I’d infininitely prefer he did not buy stuff for the house, and that we decided together or I decided.

Bollocks. Taste is personal. What you, and op’s dp mean, is that op and your dh have DIFFERENT tastes, and yours are most important.

@Dontforgetyourbrolly this is so on the nail.

My xmil used to vent to me about the crap her xh had put her through and I listened, but then, when her own son pushed me too far and I vocalised my extreme discontent (to put it mildly) she gave me zero sympathy, zero support, and when I left her son still in my 30s, she seemed to HATE me for getting my freedom when she stayed til the youngest left home.

@screamingchild oh you're not even allowed to choose something for the house? This is familiar. My house with him was all his horrible taste. we even had black leather sofas.

To be fair, that could be controlling or it could Be you do actually have terrible taste

In the context of this thread, what do you think is most likely?

@hammie46i I think you should probably read that book before you comment. He's had years of experience giving therapy to women just like this who have unpleasant husbands just like this. It's not a case of 'explaining' or 'talking' to the other person, he's very clear and lays out specific and rather hard core steps and if it doesn't work he goes straight to LTB.

People who post about these awful men want to know they have done everything first. You can say LTB but that's not on the table and then all that happens is, well, nothing.

Which isn't really much help in that case. Some men can be arseholes and I personally would never have married this one (or he me, not compliant enough) but to say the way people act doesn't change depending on how they are dealt with? Not true.

@JulesCobb

He's not an arsehole though. He's a great Dad. He is an arsehole. And not a greta and at all.

He is emotionally and financially abusive.

Being less abusive to your own children doesn't mean he's not an arsehole. I agree with pp.

These men see their children as an extension of them so yes they are nicer to their children, although they expect you to do ALL of the childcare and housework.

They have low, low, low self-esteems and that is why it is they who cannot cope with a discussion where somebody disagrees with their view. Especially the person that they use to make themself feel better. Being superior to you OP and being an arse to you OP is his coping mechanism. And this does make him an arsehole.

Well done for standing up to him this time, but you need to consider if you want to go through this kind of thing forever.

He's a massive arsehole and to answer your previous question, no my DH has never called me a bitch nor would I accept it if he did.

He will be thinking ''Christ, what a bore, I'd better fake some niceness for a while in case she marches off on a tin pot parade ''

OP please don't think that he's realised he needs to change, to actually be more respectful. He is thinking, I've got to ''show'' some fake respect for a while, fgs. What a draaaaag.