Husband does not respect me

[screamingchild]

How do i stand up for myself in a marriage where I am made to feel like a child? Rules to follow, apologies to make, explanations to give. I have to check things are to his liking, my tastes are belittled or ignored, and I get told off in front of our children. It's usually minor stuff, but by the end of the day, it's accumulated into me feeling useless. DH says it's in my head. I see my married friends talk to each other with respect and friendship. I don't feel like we have these things. Even just writing this he has moaned at me for leaving a pile of hair in the shower that I cleared out of the plug this morning. Surely he could have just reminded me it was there instead of insulting me as he walked passed. I feel so alone. We've been together for 18 years.

First of all realise you are worth more than this.
Second of all stand up to his shit. Don’t be a down trodden wife you are way more than that.

Oh op, i had one of these but he didn’t even do it daily. I ended it eventually but i have never, ever forgotten some of the things he has said to me over the years and they have become part of my inner monologue. The accumulative effect has left me needing counselling, as i have no self confidence, second guess myself all the time, have a self image of someone who is weak, stupid, can’t cope, is a loser etc. It has affected my work and relationships with others as even mild constructive criticism makes my heart pound in my chest and i start to panic and/or tear up, or worse i snap back defensively.

I was also a sahm when our dc were small.

It all seems like nothing, not enough to turn your life upside down over right, sticks and stones and all that. But your life is already upside down. It is so so damaging to be treated with disrespect and contempt by the person who is supposed to cherish you the most in all the world, every day you make your peace with this is a day you are telling yourself that you are not worthy of love or respect. My dc are 13 and 10 now and sometimes they will speak to me like dogshit as well, and my heart breaks.

My ex has recently been diagnosed with adult adhd and his meds seem to make him more stable, he now says he bitterly regrets how he was with me and wants me back. But the damage is done now, even now when i think of some of what he’s said in the past i cry my eyes out.

I have wonderful supportive friends and my boss at work had a partner who was similar so she is also very very understanding. I have a boyfriend now who could no more call me a bitch or a cunt than fly to the moon. I am rebuilding my life, you can too.

My husband has never, not once, spoken to me like that

Good fathers do not treat the mothers of their children like they are shit

I think the things that will shock you the most is how quickly he will turn off all of this behaviour when he wants to. He's showing contempt for you and if he really does treat you like a child then this is not a healthy relationship.

He carries on like this because he knows he can get away with it - your distress or pleas for respect won't mean anything for him because they're not real consequences that affect him. He will only sit up and listen (possibly) if you threaten to leave.....and then expect him to do it all over again when he thinks the waters have calmed. By then, it will be too late for you two to go back to being a healthy, loving couple, if you ever were. He will have already shown you an ugly side that should not be there.

I know you have children, but I would seriously consider leaving him if you can.

I agree with AnyFucker. I have been married for over 30 years and we have had some rows at times, but DH has never spoken to me in a less than respectful way. You don’t have to put up with being treated as badly as this.

Your children are in the same as someone calling you a bitch and putting you down- they will be able to hear! Not every time, if he's quite quiet, but over time, they will hear it. Horrible.

Great df's don't speak to the dm of their dc like you describe.
Not sure many mner's will agree being sworn at in a mutually respectful relationship is acceptable .
All of us with exes may agree it was their normal..
My exh had me walking on egg shells. Everything was my fault.
When I first married I had already a flat. Moved into a flat he owned. The washing machine I brought with me leaked to the downstairs flat. My machine, my fault. He smashed most of my possessions as punishment. You do your dc a huge disservice accepting being treated like this.

My husband never speaks to me like that, and if he did he would be an ex-husband.
It’s up to you how you wish to live.

[quote everythingbackbutyou]@Bluntness100, I'll bet the lack of respect was always there but OP's partner just doesn't hide it any more. What a textbook abuser - the minute the woman becomes more dependent financially or otherwise, the real him becomes apparent.[/quote]
Or the relationship has deteriorated To this and he has lost respect for her, resents her in some way, no longer is in love with her. Relationships break down and this shit happens when people feel they are not able to just walk away.

Our friends marriage broke down, I can assure you till she ended it, she was deeply unpleasant to him. Is she an abuser, for that period yes, but she’s not a textbook abuser, it was not there from the start, simply the marriage broke down and instead of ending it, they both dragged it out to the very bitter end. And co incidentally it also occured after the birth of their second child.

He may resent the fact he is paying for everything, that he feels “stuck” with her, that he doesn’t want to be with her any more, but because they have two kids he feels he needs to stay, so his resentment of her grows and he treats her like shit. Maybe hoping she will have enough self respect to end it.

He is really nice most of the time but will put me down at least 3 times a day which accumulates in my head.

That means is abusive most of the time. Daily. Multiple times a day.

He is not a great dad. He's not. Because he's abusing the mother of his children thereby damaging her mental health, confidence and ability to judge whether she is being abused. Which she is.

No, normal partners do not call each other a bitch / stupid etc. It's not normal, healthy or right.

Can you accept that he verbally and emotionally abuses you? Can you see that?

Have a read of this
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

screamingchild Please read this;

Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

When he’s doing it say “Are you trying to be a patronising shit or does it come naturally?”

"He's a good Dad"

Not when he speaks to their Mum like shit he isn't and certainly not when he starts with the controlling behaviour on them...

When he’s doing it say “Are you trying to be a patronising shit or does it come naturally?”

How is that actually going to help anything?

Rather than snappy one liners, the op is miles better telling him calmly how he is making her feel and that it really isn’t acceptable for him to talk to her like that.

Op have you ever told him to stop? Have you told him how much it upsets you?

@PurpleDaisies Rather than snappy one liners, the op is miles better telling him calmly how he is making her feel and that it really isn’t acceptable for him to talk to her like that.
oh yes that really does work! Because when you tell a total prick how you feel they always listen with great sympathy and then change instantly because they just didn't know they were being horrible. So talking it through calmly always works. Always.

He's a horrible prick and you will feel much happier and lighter when you are no longer with him.

Good God you have to leave him right now! He sounds appalling and not like someone who is going to change.

As someone who has been where op is, i guarantee that everyone posting sassy comeback suggestions or blithely asserting that they would never put up with this and that she’s allowing herself to be walked over are all making her feel even more shitty and worthless than she did when she started this thread.

This is Relationships not AIBU. She knows deep down that this is unacceptable or she would not be asking about it in the first place but is probably feeling incredibly sad and overwhelmed. Mn used to be amazing for nuanced, sensitive, supportive relationship advice. Used to be.

This sounds familiar!

10 year relationship and it was after birth of son he started talking to me like this!

Realise it's their insecurities! It's not you, it's his problem.

I put an end to it by either calling him names back and asking how he likes it or by point blank refusing to be spoken to like that by calling him out on it straight away! I then got an apology. Stand up for yourself!

I know it's emotionally abusive but when it's someone's only flaw and I'm boss enough not to let him get away with it, it doesn't bother me. I've been plenty manipulative with him over the year's, I feel like we are growing up together, we call each other out when we are being dicks, it's a relationship, there's not a perfect one out there.

I'm going to see all those oh my god get out our posts now! 🤦🏻‍♀️

@MadameButterface so I take it things have changed? How did that happen?

No, we only started to experience problems when our second child was born 4.5 years ago and I became a SAHM.

Because now he feels you are trapped.

He is really nice most of the time but will put me down at least 3 times a day which accumulates in my head.

Nice/nasty cycle (cycle of control).

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

time.com/5610016/coercive-control-domestic-violence/

[quote Vodkacranberryplease]@MadameButterface so I take it things have changed? How did that happen?[/quote]
Well the aibu mentality seems to have crept in somewhat and it all feels much less constructive somehow. But pointless side arguments aren’t going to help the op. This is someone’s life here, and she’s going through two horrible huge things - being abused in her own home is one, and the other is the realisation that she’s being abused in her own home. It’s very traumatic and a lot to take in so i’d suggest those people looking for a bracing online punch up go and find a nice parking thread or something instead.

@MadameButterface Sorry I was actually asking you a question, related to your answer. I assumed you had this situation based on what you said and it is now resolved? And wondered if you were going to say how?

As in thIs situation, not whether threads are or aren't worse. You were in this position, now arent, and presumably have some advice?