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Original poster

Have you ever had your head turned?

58 replies

dontknowtheanswer · 14/08/2020 22:54

Hey not sure how anyone can help on this one but just want to hear your stories and advice. Ive been with my DH over 10 years, generally life is good. We have a toddler we both adore.
I definitely wasn't looking about for anyone else in any way shape or form but a guy I work with and I are brilliant friends. We click, we have chemistry but what's more I just like talking to him we feel super at home with each other. Recently he told me he has feelings for me. Ive said Im married and that Ive got no intention of leaving my DH but the chemistry and the friendship remains and I see him looking at me "that way" even if we're just talking about work. The kicker is, if I didn't like him it would be sort of fine BUT I do find him attractive and I find myself drawn to him and he knows it. We can't not work together I won't go into it but its not an option not to see him at least once week / speak to him regularly.

Even though we're only talking work stuff (Ive made it clear we can't talk about anything else because its dangerous) we clearly see we like each other so I feel guilty anyway? and Im confused as to how it's possible to feel this way when I was otherwise happy enough. Im worried about how this is going to go long term if we still have to keep seeing each other ( I would just avoid seeing him but its impossible). I don't think Id cheat, Ive told him I won't but Ive also never been this attracted to someone else before. How do you control it?

OP posts:
Longsight2019 · 14/08/2020 23:42

If you can’t not cheat for your husband, don’t do it for your child.

Stop it before it starts and you end up regretting it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/08/2020 23:48

If your marriage and family life matter to you I’d look for another job.

Raella50 · 14/08/2020 23:49

Back right off immediately, distance yourself from this colleague and work on your marriage. Do it for yourself, your husband and your child.

popcornlover · 15/08/2020 06:06

Maybe it’s meant to be. True chemistry and all that...

Original poster
dontknowtheanswer · 15/08/2020 06:20

Finding another job would be something I'd do for sure but I cant, it's a career not a job really and I've worked so hard for it, I won't get back into this position elsewhere plus DH doesn't have a stable job so right now we need it

It's not that I can't not cheat, I've done nothing it's more that even doing nothing and setting boundaries that chemistry is going nowhere and I guess I feel like Im cheating even though I'm not ... and even though this other guy has said he gets it and he's not pushing it anymore it's still there in the way he looks at me or just the way we get on so well... It's probably the same for him too, I'm hoping it just fades away but I'm not sure it will

OP posts:
SissyLongStockings · 15/08/2020 06:59

This story never ends well for you- believe me it doesn't. What you are feeling now will fade before it turns in to love.
Something must be wrong in your marriage and I would suggest looking at that and working on it.
The euphoria you are feeling for this man will equally be returned to you in heartbreak and pain if you decide to pursue this.
Please listen to me. Do your best to avoid him. Strictly business. Work. Look at your marriage see if there are ant chinks in that armour and repair it.
Don't lose everything for a man who may just see you as a passing fancy. Your worth more and so are the children 💐

Rebelwithallthecause · 15/08/2020 07:14

I beleive you only are open to heard turning if you’re not 100% happy in current relationship

I certainly wasn’t , my head was turned.

I left my exh and then gave new relationship a go. (I didn’t have children with exh which makes things less complicated)

We are now married with children and couldn’t be happier

If you’re truly happy as you are don’t give it a second thought and do your best to distance yourself from head turner

It’s not an easy or quick process and it doesn’t always work out

MsDogLady · 15/08/2020 07:27

This loser had an agenda when he declared feelings for you, a married woman with a toddler. He wants an affair. Why does this boost your ego?

You are playing with fire and need to get a grip. You’re in danger of shattering your marriage and destabilizing your child’s life.

Cut off the oxygen from the spark and disengage from this man as much as possible. Mention your family often. Refuse to participate in any flirting or playfulness. Don’t respond to his ‘look.’

Respect your H, focus your emotional energy on him, and find ways to strengthen your marriage. He deserves your loyalty and fidelity.

Styledbyserpents · 15/08/2020 07:27

I agree entirely with the above poster as the same happened to me. My now DH was the catalyst for me to realise my first marriage was a mismatch.

bloomingmad · 15/08/2020 07:41

There is a reason your head is being turned to such an extent by this man. Your marriage is not happy or right, and the posters saying you need to forget this man and work on your marriage regardless of these feelings are wrong.

If you were truly married to the right man your head would not be turned like this. You will always feel like there is something missing in your marriage and even if the feelings you are having for this other man fade, it will no doubt happen again in the future.

Life is short, you don't get to live it over again. Leave your marriage and find the right man for you.

Yester · 15/08/2020 07:49

Ive been married for 20 years and twice had this happen. Both times the feelings passed and I look back and think what the fuck was that about. Both the blokes were nice enough but it was just a stupid crush. At the time it felt so all consuming and important. My marriage was going through difficult patches and I think it was just a way to cover up. I now love my DH so much and we are getting on brilliantly and am so pleased I didn't bugger it up over people who I now have not even an inkling of a feeling for.

Dreamingisfree · 15/08/2020 08:01

@dontknowtheanswer I’ve namechanged for this....I’ve been in a very similar position that’s escalated somewhat over the past year. I really echo what @MsDogLady says about trying to cut the oxygen from the spark. It’s not easy but it can be done. You might well find if you reach a level of acceptance that you find each other attractive but also accept that you just CANNOT do anything because of your precious family, you will learn to live with it and it will burn itself out a bit.

Like you, I’m happy in my marriage. 4 kids. Friends with another couple - always sensed a bit of chemistry with the husband but as our friendship with them developed, so did our attraction. Cue various dinners and parties where we’d be finding any excuse to touch each other, be together etc...had to stop ourselves from going further a few times. Luckily our spouses didn’t particularly notice - I think they think we just get on really well - but it was clear enough to me and other man that the attraction was there and strong. I do think it was naughty/inappropriate of your guy to explicitly state he had feelings for you btw.

Anyway, after coming dangerously close to crossing lines on a couple of occasions (or even crossing them, depending where you draw that line), I have myself a slap in the face. Made myself stop thinking about him, tried not to see him as much socially (lockdown helped admittedly) and the last time I did see him it was ok. I think the attraction will always be there but I don’t feel on the edge of an affair anymore.

It’s HARD. But remember there’s nothing wrong with feeling this attraction - you are married, not dead. What would be wrong is acting on it. Don’t mess up a happy family over it. You can do this! Flowers

notleglass · 15/08/2020 08:06

Yes this happened to me only difference is I didn't have kids. We got on so well, clearly fancied the pants off each other but were able to just be fried a for about 5 years then my relationship ended and we are married with kids now!!! If I had kids with previous partner it would have been different and much more agonising!

Dreamingisfree · 15/08/2020 08:08

‘Given myself a slap in the face’, I meant!

All the posters who are saying that OP is obviously unhappy and in a mismatched marriage, I disagree. If she was saying she was unhappy then yes - but she’s not. Finding someone else attractive does not mean your relationship is doomed. That’s rather naive - we are adults, it’s pretty inevitable if you are in a long relationship and don’t live in some isolated tiny community, you might cross paths with someone else you experience a spark with.

Dontletitbeyou · 15/08/2020 08:15

@Yester
Totally agree 100% with everything in your post. That is exactly me !!!
However your description of home life is ‘generally life is good ‘. That sounds a bit non committed to me , wishy washy if you like .
Either you are really happy and actively want to stay happily married , or you don’t , and deep down you want to move on .
Work on strengthening your bond with you DH, having a toddler is hard , make sure you have a bit of time to yourselves when you can . The happier you are at home the less tempted you will be to step out of line .
I’d just say this tho . If you’re not happy and you don’t want to stay in your marriage , do it in the right way . Don’t cheat with this guy . Don’t hurt your DH and DC like that . Aside from everything else , he may be attractive , but he knew you were married yet still thought it a great idea to tell you he had feelings for you . He’s hoping you’ll be thinking about the ‘what if’s’ now . Doesn’t sound like a particularly honourable person tbh

sausagepastapot · 15/08/2020 08:15

The heart wants what the heart wants...I am with the PP who have said maybe you should really think about this; what it means, why it might have happened. You only get one life.

Londonista123 · 15/08/2020 08:17

I'm in this situation with a friend's husband, and like your chap let him know how I feel and that I knew nothing could happen but could we try to be friends etc. Mad but at that point I felt I had to; I couldn't take the pressure. I think I just was/am immensely flattered by how he looks at me, touches me etc, and if I'm honest the thrill of something illicit/secret.

I don't think I'd ever let it get physical - we're both cowards - but to my mind my behaviour is already over the line. We both have families with young kids.

Not sure why I'm writing exactly. I guess to say I appreciate the difficulty OP and that if you can get yourself out of this you're stronger than me.

ladywintergarden · 15/08/2020 08:20

@Londonista123 you have told your friends husband you have feelings for him/each other??? 😮😮

QualityFeet · 15/08/2020 08:21

Course it happens. Long term relationships become a bit ordinary and the spark lights things up. It will pass. My friend didn’t realise this and now only sees her kids 50% of the time and pays her dh money each month while no longer having their lovely house. The new man was ok but the feelings went quickly without the forbidden fruit thing and they separated. She would do a lot to be able to have the choice again.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 15/08/2020 08:29

This loser had an agenda when he declared feelings for you, a married woman with a toddler. He wants an affair. Why does this boost your ego?

This. I've been in your situation, and at the time although I said and did nothing that I wouldn't have minded my DH observing, inside my head it was intense. BUT I let the storm pass, backed off and a couple of months later when I saw him he was just a normal guy with a receding hairline he tried to disguise and an overly touchy manner.

Your hormones and ego are doing a number on you. He's NOT a decent guy, or he never would have come out and said anything. Look at your marriage, work on that (or bin it off, but don't have an affair).

donquixotedelamancha · 15/08/2020 08:34

Maybe it’s meant to be. True chemistry and all that...

Oh FFS, that's mean.

Everyone gets this, often at the difficult points in a marriage. Having a toddler and working is hard, so of course that crush seems amazing by comparison but if you think that's what love is you are a child.

Love and marriage take work but your relationship with your husband is a damn sight more real than your projection of this bloke based on what he's like when he's trying to get you in bed.

Don't fuck up your life and your kid's life for a fuck. Stop giving off signals and if he says anything else tell him you will complain to HR if he does it again. Invite other people to the meetings if possible- there must be junior staff who need development.

Newwayofthinking · 15/08/2020 08:40

I was in an unhappy marriage for 30yrs, unappreciated and more like brother and sister.

I had my head turned with a man I worked with, 7yrs we spent chatting about our lives and partners. No secret texts or meetings though just friends.

Finally I left my husband because I was so unhappy. About 6months later he left his wife and we had our first date. 2 years sown the line and we live together and are so very happy.

Thankssomuch · 15/08/2020 08:48

People do leave their husbands/wives for other people, it happens. Sometimes it works out and other times it doesn’t, ime. It involves a lot of upset and heartache all round, takes time, and can’t really be undone, so I wouldn’t do anything unless you really and truly mean it. It will change everyone’s life for ever I.e. yours, your husbands, your child’s. ‘The grass can look greener but when you get there it will still need mowing’...

Wondersense · 15/08/2020 08:50

I think it will pass. You are brilliant friends.....at work. He looks like a new penny to you right now, but you gave no idea what he's presenting to you or what he's like outside of work. What on earth is he doing saying this to you when you're married with a child eh? Are you sure he's not in it for a bit of fun?

ILikeGlitter · 15/08/2020 08:59

Does he have a girlfriend/ wife?