Have you ever had your head turned?

[dontknowtheanswer]

Hey not sure how anyone can help on this one but just want to hear your stories and advice. Ive been with my DH over 10 years, generally life is good. We have a toddler we both adore.
I definitely wasn't looking about for anyone else in any way shape or form but a guy I work with and I are brilliant friends. We click, we have chemistry but what's more I just like talking to him we feel super at home with each other. Recently he told me he has feelings for me. Ive said Im married and that Ive got no intention of leaving my DH but the chemistry and the friendship remains and I see him looking at me "that way" even if we're just talking about work. The kicker is, if I didn't like him it would be sort of fine BUT I do find him attractive and I find myself drawn to him and he knows it. We can't not work together I won't go into it but its not an option not to see him at least once week / speak to him regularly.

Even though we're only talking work stuff (Ive made it clear we can't talk about anything else because its dangerous) we clearly see we like each other so I feel guilty anyway? and Im confused as to how it's possible to feel this way when I was otherwise happy enough. Im worried about how this is going to go long term if we still have to keep seeing each other ( I would just avoid seeing him but its impossible). I don't think Id cheat, Ive told him I won't but Ive also never been this attracted to someone else before. How do you control it?

Yes and it turned into a disaster. He was a manipulative con man who seemed to offer me affection & attention but really took everything I had including a lot of money and my mental health. The price I paid was not worth what I got in return.

I’ve seen enough affairs of other people to know how horrendous they can be and how many hurt and broken people they leave in their wake. I’ve been the third party when much younger and it was miserable. I do find other men attractive but have never been tempted to cheat. My dh finds other women attractive too. We’re pretty solid (I would hope, though nothing is ever 100% guaranteed) and we do share these things with each other and usually end up having a good laugh about it. Neither of us is the jealous and possessive type though.

So sorry to hear that @RiveterRosie that sounds heartbreaking

@something2say 🤞 for the fade away

It's simple really. You made vows to your husband and you stick to them. Give over with the Mills and Boon crap. Of course you're going to click with other people and find them attractive. The whole deal with getting marriage and making a commitment to your family is that you don't act on any of this.

Get a grip of yourself you have a husband and a child.

@teleportmeplease I actually had to Google what the heck you were talking about... I don't think anything I've said sounds like a romance novel... Im also pretty certain at no point have I said everything will be a happy ending or I want my cake and eat it, I've just wanted advice because it's the first time it's ever happened to me in over a decade of being completely faithful.. and just to be clear that's still true as I type this.. I've not acted upon anything. Luckily I've had some really great advice support and empathy on this thread already and for everyone's replies again thank you

Of course you can be attracted to someone else while in a long term relationship - it doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with your relationship, it's just the hormones of attraction. If we couldn't be, they'd be no need for wedding vows in the first place. What you're experiencing is just a feeling but you have free will and complete control over your actions. If everybody waltzed off at the sign of chemistry with someone else, we'd all be committing adultery and breaking up our marriages/LTRs.

Yes I've had my head turned.

Numerous times in 13 years.

What helped was -

Imagining how I'd feel if the other way round (he probably has had his turned too), the hurt etc. Puts an instant dampener on things. If you can be turned, so can he.

Not projecting onto the object of fancy. It's usually caused by something 'missing' in either your relationship or yourself. If you really look at the person you're thinking about clearly, there will usually be flaws you can focus on. For example, one of mine - extremely sexy, and I mean extremely, but it was obvious he didn't treat his ex well. Try to take a step back and focus on the negative aspects of them. Why are they pursuing a married woman??

It's not right, but it's the lesser of two evils maybe - allow yourself to fantasize about them when you are alone maybe. If you can trust yourself not to 'do' anything about it, this helps for me. Take the fantasies to their end conclusion, but do not DO anything at all (no messaging, nothing. nada). After a short while, it burns itself out and you become bored. Then you see the reasons you've been with your husband so long.

Keep telling yourself - do I really want to be that person ??

“Of course you can be attracted to someone else while in a long term relationship - it doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with your relationship, it's just the hormones of attraction. If we couldn't be, they'd be no need for wedding vows in the first place. What you're experiencing is just a feeling but you have free will and complete control over your actions. If everybody waltzed off at the sign of chemistry with someone else, we'd all be committing adultery and breaking up our marriages/LTRs.”

This.