Have you ever had your head turned?

[dontknowtheanswer]

Hey not sure how anyone can help on this one but just want to hear your stories and advice. Ive been with my DH over 10 years, generally life is good. We have a toddler we both adore.
I definitely wasn't looking about for anyone else in any way shape or form but a guy I work with and I are brilliant friends. We click, we have chemistry but what's more I just like talking to him we feel super at home with each other. Recently he told me he has feelings for me. Ive said Im married and that Ive got no intention of leaving my DH but the chemistry and the friendship remains and I see him looking at me "that way" even if we're just talking about work. The kicker is, if I didn't like him it would be sort of fine BUT I do find him attractive and I find myself drawn to him and he knows it. We can't not work together I won't go into it but its not an option not to see him at least once week / speak to him regularly.

Even though we're only talking work stuff (Ive made it clear we can't talk about anything else because its dangerous) we clearly see we like each other so I feel guilty anyway? and Im confused as to how it's possible to feel this way when I was otherwise happy enough. Im worried about how this is going to go long term if we still have to keep seeing each other ( I would just avoid seeing him but its impossible). I don't think Id cheat, Ive told him I won't but Ive also never been this attracted to someone else before. How do you control it?

Thanks so much to all of you taking the time to reply. @ilikeglitter he is in an unhappy marriage with a child.
@wondersense I don't think so I think it's real feelings versus a shag. I could tell he was genuinely hurt when I told him it couldn't go further and he was very understanding and knew why I was saying it, he said he just couldn't help having deep feelings for me it just happened, which I do believe I don't think he's just trying to get in my pants
I didnt think there was anything that wrong in my marriage but I also didn't think I could have feelings for anyone else so go figure there. .. I'm keeping everything work related at the moment and I'm going to try to keep that up I just feel like it's going to continue to be this thing in the background but maybe it will go
Really good to hear it from both sides and know I'm not alone in feeling this way it was so unexpected it's completely thrown me. Also so glad those of you with new partners are so much happier now

Oh so you could fuck over two partners and children by acting on your attraction. Fabulous.

he is in an unhappy marriage with a child.

Keep away from him. He is doing a number on you and just wants a shag.

Has he told you his wife doesn't understand him and that they don't sleep together any more?

Thank you @Dreamingisfree that really helped I'm going to try my best

I could tell he was genuinely hurt when I told him it couldn't go further and he was very understanding and knew why I was saying it, he said he just couldn't help having deep feelings for me it just happened, which I do believe I don't think he's just trying to get in my pants

Honestly, OP , please don't fall for this man. I bet my house he's done this before.

@category12 not the kindest or most helpful comment given this whole post is about me trying to be responsible and not go there despite my / his feelings ...

Thanks @bibbitybobbitycats he says he hasn't ever done this before or felt it before but you're right that doesn't mean that's true ... All of these posts are really helping me confirm my decision to cut if off thanks

Yes I have. They key here is what you DO about it. You dont suddenly become blind when you get married - you can adore your partner but still find others attractive. I dont agree that if you are totally in lurve you will never find other people attractive. I'd bang the crap out of Jason Momoa and yet I adore my husband and I'd die for him. Neither of us have ever cheated because we respect each other.

The critical thing is what you do after this realisation. Its a complete crock that affairs "just happen" - it means you have deliberately placed yourself in a vulnerable position and everyone has the ability to say NO at any point. Once you realise you find someone attractive, you shut that shit down. You dont text them, you dont spend time alone with them, you dont fantasise about them, you focus on your marriage instead. We all have the self control to do this, the problem is, people rarely want to. Shut it down now, and in a few weeks the feelings will subside. The only way to avoid it is to STOP FEEDING IT. Stop feeding into your crush by thinking about it constantly etc You have control in this situation- use it.

Sorry, but you're romanticising an old story that's actually a rather sordid and tawdry tale. It's not high flown "feelings" , it's just attraction and he's a conniving little shit whose lines you're falling for. You're both in relationships and he's no business confessing "feelings" for you.

The things is, that look on his face might have been totally genuine, but it might be a lot more complex than you think. I knew a man once who for multiple reasons I turned down, and he was really hurt. He said he'd fallen in love with me, but there were other, less nice reasons why he wanted to be with me. Part of it was competitiveness with another man (which he admitted to), and part of it was that he really just wanted a girlfriend - he said he loved me but I'm not sure if he knew how much of that was simply infatuation mixed with lust.

This man might have real feelings.....but they mixed be mixed in with a lot of fantasy. The fantasy of escaping his current life and relationship, the fantasy of you as a woman he doesn't 100% know yet, even if he thinks he does. Of course he was going to look genuinely disappointed.

In all honesty OP, can you picture yourself with this man forever into the same way you are with your DH currently? Can you imagine what it will be like when you're not only trying to deal with your own DC, but his as well. Alternate weekends with the step kids. All of the monotony and drudgery.

Withdraw from him as much as possible OP and focus on your marriage.

@Fatted that's actually exactly what I imagined that led me to tell him it couldn't be anything I love my DC and I want the best family life possible for him. I guess if we can just keep it work related, or I keep it work related I don't have to feel guilty about it I always kinda knew we fancied each other but I NEVER mentioned it, I had no intention of it because I didn't want it to be a reality or a thing. Part of me wishes we could go back in time and he just said nothing to start with then we could just continue not speaking about it and it wouldn't now be a thing to worry about - I guess though if I don't do anything I don't need to worry?

@wondersense yeah Id like to think he genuinely has feelings for me and its not just a shit move on his part, but I suppose it could just be a bit of intoxication, I also stupidly felt really bad "hurting" him because he was/is a really good friend. I guess I can't help finding him attractive but I can help what's said about it and definitely what's done ( or not done) about it.

I've been where you are and it's a confusing and awful time. I was happy with life but it had become a bit meh and the chemistry was exciting and gave me a bounce.
The thing that shocked me out of my selfish and self absorbed state (because that is what it is) was the thought of telling my DH I was leaving, telling the kids that I was splitting up their happy home and all of the devastation that would go with that.
Once I'd really, really imagined that, it gave me the kick to concentrate on my marriage and put it behind me. Looking back it was 100% the right decision and I'm more content than ever and will NEVER let it happen again.

I think you're doing the right thing by trying to ignore it, not only are you both in relationships, but you would also be jeopardising the career you've worked hard for if you let things go further.

I think your getting quite a few shitty responses, when all you have said is ways you are not acting on it! Also you've made it clear you need to work with him so cant not see him. I'm not married so not been in this position but my BF was married, said she was happy at the time then met someone through work and ended up leaving her husband and started a relationship with him, they are now married and very much in love. She says she thought she was happy so didn't act on her feelings (a bit like you at the time told him nothing could happen but he was the catalyst for their break up). My view as someone who has known almost her whole life is her first DH was nice but when my BF was married to him she seemed to have lost her 'spark', she wasnt quite as funny and witty as she was before. They always seemed happy and she always said she was. With her now DH she is more herself and definitely has that spark back, everyone can see how happy they are. I know in relationships everyone changes a bit but in the first marriage it was a bit too much.

I think you should look at your marriage and see if you really are happy, and ways to reconnect with your DH, hopefully strengthening the bond with your DH hopeful this will mean the feelings for the other guy burn out. Like I said I've not been in this situation so feel free to ignore just thought I would give you another perspective.

@Dillydallyingthrough thanks for the kind message. I am happy with my DH on the whole, he loves me and our DC very much. He works hard and he loves me. He does have OCD though which can be rough, Im very optimistic easy going and positive and his OCD can trigger him to be very grumpy, stressed and unreasonable. Like most guys he's also not very in tune with my feelings. I suppose one of my problems is that my friend is. It sometimes feels like he cares more as well as the chemistry but I know that's not really the case, I know deep down my DH loves me dearly he just doesn't do a lot to show it and when I ask him to he asks me to ask him to do things instead of thinking himself.

@TheSmallAssassin you're right its my career too and at the moment with the awful job crisis and being the "bread winner" I need to think about that too and keeping my family supported

@MaybeIDidMaybeIDidnt thank you, it is confusing and awful I definitely don't feel like a good person right now despite doing nothing how did you shake the feeling you'd done something bad just by having the feelings? do you just wait for them to go ?

Yes, I'm on the asexual spectrum so I'm not normally attracted to anyone but my friends husband - the first time I met him I almost fainted the attraction was so strong. First time ever, I wasn't even attracted to either of my husbands.
Of course I didn't do anything about it because he was my friends husband. It must have been pheromones or something because my friend knows I'm asexual and I told her I'd felt something for the first time in years, she wasn't offended because I was honest, she admitted women fell for him wherever he went and that he had had several affairs.
There was one other recently, a facebook friend about twenty years younger than me who in person also managed to pierce my asexual armour - not even particularly attractive. Same thing I guess, must be something in his hormonal makeup. Again I did nothing because I'm 58 and he's married.

Oh yes, I meant to say, just turn away it will ruin your life. These feelings happen. But they don't lead to happiness in the long term.

@dontknowtheanswer to be honest, once I absolutely knew that I wanted to stay, I started to feel very ashamed of myself, even though nothing had happened physically. Once I had those feelings, I looked at him in a different light...how he was prepared to break up his own family (or rather have an affair) felt so wrong. The attraction literally went there and then.

@MaybeIDidMaybeIDidnt thanks that's good advice I will try to focus on that aspect of it

Yes, you can find other people attractive whether you’re in a happy or unhappy marriage.
The difference, in my experience, is that truly happy people are able to shut the door quickly when they sense the start of a spark developing with someone else.

It’s clear from your posts that you’re not truly fulfilled by your husband and you’re extremely vulnerable now you’ve developed feelings for this other guy.
I’ve been in this position myself and the more time you spend with this other person the harder it will get to walk away.

I have to disagree, acting in feelings for someone else, even having an affair, won't ruin your life. But it will change it.

A marriage shouldn't be a life sentence, it's not something that should be endured no matter what.

I don't think it's clear that you are unfulfilled in your marriage. I think that is too simplistic. These things are not black and white.

But you do need to shut it down, and make sure you don't interact with him beyond professional conduct.
It just isn't worth the happiness of your family.

I once worked with a much older man, married and with much more life experience than I; a grandpa sort of man.

As a result of a story amongst my social scene of the time, he told me that chemistry happens, but you don't act on it.

It comes along apropos of nothing and then fades away. That is exactly what happened.

Don't worry too much and just wait until it fades away.