Dumped!

[TheShamelessFall]

Hi all,

Im really struggling tonight. I have been dumped! I was in an extremely abusive relationship for a few years up until 2 years ago/early last year. I have since met someone else, probably the only genuinely lovely man I have ever dated/been with, ever. He broke up with me last night.

I know I'll be fine but for now it's really shit and I'm hurting. He was honestly lovely and I cant fault him, that seems to make it so much worse.

I dont really know what I'm asking for, i just want everybody to tell me what I already know - that I'll be okay and I'll meet someone else.

I have NC as didnt want this post linked with the ones of my ex.

Thanks everyone, I know its a bit of a rambley post.

Poor you. Was it out of the blue?

Not necessarily out of the blue but fairly sudden id say. It was over text yesterday morning at 7 am which is pretty shitty, the text woke me up!

Oh how awful. How long were you together and what reasons did he give? Doing it by text is pretty dreadful.

Well he isn’t that lovely and you can fault him - that’s a shitty way to break up with someone!

You’re going to be fine and you will meet someone else, but in the meantime wallow in the sadness for a little while, feel the feelings and process it, then you can move on when you’ve had a bit of time to get to grips with it.

Waking you up with a you're dumped text. That's a really cowardly thing to do.

I think in the initial aftermath it's understandable you are focusing on all his good points and what you've lost. It might be helpful to think of the things he did that weren't so lovely - like dumping you by text.

The pain is raw now, but you know in time it will ease. Mind yourself x

We weren't together long, less than a year. He just sort of said we don't have much in common (which is true) and we have argued too much the recent weeks (also true)

Thank you, thats true, a phone call would have been okay. I think I'll give myself a couple of days of wallowing. It just feels like I'm back at square one.

I think this is where Mumsnet comes into its own. You don't really need advice, just people around who know what's going on and can commiserate!

You know you'll be fine. Fill the fridge with chocolate and ice cream and have a nice hot bath. Then give the sofa cushions a good punching.

Thank you, the thing is, I'm not sure what else I could put on the "bad list"! Maybe thats why its initially so hard.
He is finding it really difficult too, i know i need to go no contact.

Agreed Zap, I dont really want to speak to anyone about it in real life so having people just here is so helpful. It definitely makes you feel less alone!

Yeah don’t get sucked into caring about his feelings/guilt - if he felt that bad he wouldn’t have done it. (Unless he’s playing games, in which case he’s a double arsehole!)

Yeah, i totally agree, im sure he is genuinely hurting but I've said what you said, if he felt so bad he wouldn't have done it!

Ah op, such a good guy that he did this via text? Loser. You’re going to find someone much more worthy of you in time. First off, though, you need to give this man and his supposed struggles and difficulties a wide berth. Time to focus on you, put some Lizzo on and cry it out.

I find it’s helpful to write down all the ways the person wasn’t right for me. Refer to the list when you’re feeling wobbly and give yourself tiiiiime.

Sending hugs and strength.

Thank you, I'm going to write a list. There are fundamental differences that mean we could never have worked in the long run (I wanted children, he didnt, we didn't have much in common) but its still rubbish.
And as you said, the great healer: time!

Being dumped is a horrible feeling. I’ve been dumped over the phone before (a call rather than text) you will be really upset for a while, treat yourself to some nice things. Chocolate & flowers maybe x

Joanna, the most helpful comment so far Any tips on how to make myself as alluring and unattainable as you?

Thanks Charlotta, I think when the shock has worn off I'll be feeling better and I'll be sure to treat myself. I guess its just shit and thats that!

That’s really hard. Not sure of your age, perhaps you have plenty of time for children, perhaps not. But that’s a huge thing to disagree on and there’s no compromise. It doesn’t feel like it at the moment, but perhaps this is for the best in the long run.
No contact is so painful, but it’ll either bring him back or make it easier for you both to move forward. So win win. But takes enormous discipline x

What a nasty comment Joannagreen, a purely nasty comment to rub someone else’s nose in it. I’m really sorry your hurting, it’s a really shitty way to end things. My ex totally ghosted me, it broke my heart. You will get through this

When I was dumped and heart broken, a friend told me that 1 of 3 things would happen,

1. You will get back together and be happy

2.You will meet some one else and be happy 3.You will start to find advantages in being single and be happy

I think the message is that you will find happiness again, but you need to accept it will take time.
Be kind to your self and try to focus on doing the things that comfort you and help to build up your self esteem in the meantime.

@joannagreen

shame, can’t relate

Trust me, nobody thinks you're covetable with that attitude. Trust me.

@joannagreen
One day you may be able to.
I hope you are met with only kindness and support if this should be the case

Oh love, it's shit but you know it gets better.

If you had been arguing, and disagreed on the fundamentals like having kids, then he ain't that great.

Love is like a fart - if you have to force it, it's probably shit

If you argued -what annoyed you about him that you felt the need to argue with him.
Here's a few for your list
Point 1 -he doesn''t have staying power to work things through
Point 2 - incompatible on major life choices
Point 3 -nothing in common
Point 4 - not working together on shared and mutually respected goal
Point 5 -arguments were draining and he was ......
Point 6 -didn't have the decency to ring and have a conversation..........

What a strange cold creature you are Joanna??

OP the issue of not wanting kids and the personality trait he showed by doing this by text should make it easier for you to heal. He is quite selfish not to see you in person to talk and let you make sense of it.
It's totally shit. Have you anyone you could see in real life to take your mind off it ? Get back into a hobby (obviously cry a lot and whatever you need to do first)