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Original poster

Should I run?

71 replies

NotAnnieWilkes · 13/08/2020 15:39

I'm going to try to keep this brief but not drip feed!

Met a guy 6 weeks ago on OLD. He was married for 20 years and recently separated (a few months prior).
I was a little concerned, but at the same time not too much as I was (am!) just looking for dates and company and I'm in no rush to move things along.

He is a very intense person, always wanting to see me and and telling me he misses me, wanting to talk about feelings etc.
Date number 3 and he utters THOSE 3 words Hmm I told him it's not love, it's lust. I admit I nearly ran for the hills. I'm not sure what stopped me. I guess I can see he is emotionally quite immature, having never been with anyone else other than his wife.

Fast forward to last week, things had been ok, I mostly enjoy his company but he is pushy, last week he stayed over one night, I had said I don't think it's best he stays as I had things to do the next day. He said he was too tired to drive.
The next day he made himself at home, so I was blunt and said he needed to leave. He got the arse and left. I haven't seen him since.

I told him over the phone that he is too intense, talking about moving in together, the future etc and the constant wanting to know every feeling I have is too much.
He acknowledged that but is constantly asking to see me and all I feel is this huge pressure.

To me, this is all too much hard work for such early days! But I feel bad, he he thinks he is head over heels in love with me. The other night I spoke to him on the phone but only for 10 minutes as I was tired, he made me feel guilty about it being audio and not video and text me telling me he had stuff to tell me and was so upset... so I felt guilty and video called him. He was crying and telling me about stuff to do with his ex and how he was feeling.

I feel like he manipulates me in some ways, but then another side of me wonders if I'm being heartless and he's just a bit needy?!

OP posts:
AnonEsk223 · 13/08/2020 15:44

I don't think you're being heartless at all! If he's being this intense in the early stages, just imagine how things might be months or years down the line. Better to break it off now than later. You don't owe him anything if you're not feeling it.
Personally to me he sounds a bit immature and not ready for a full on relationship. You sound like you've got your head screwed on and could probably find someone much better suited for you.

Good luck xx

Ronia · 13/08/2020 15:47

Just ask yourself why his need to get attention from you is more important to you than the fact that you find it too much and don't seem to like him that much. You owe him absolutely nothing at this stage and absolutely don't owe him sacrificing your enjoyment over his

BlingLoving · 13/08/2020 15:47

To me, this is all too much hard work for such early days! But I feel bad, he he thinks he is head over heels in love with me.

Quite frankly, not your problem. And what scares me about this is what happens in 2 years time when he's upset because you want to spend time with your friends/go to the gym/ take your mum on a weekend away and he then makes you feel bad for abandoning him.

SOOOO many red flags here. It's really not your problem that he thinks he's in love with you. You have been clear. He, on the other hand, is love bombing you and pushing your boundaries and asking for things you aren't willing or able to give.

end it now. Please.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2020 15:49

I can't understand why you haven't told him to fuck off already. Your boundaries should be much firmer than this. Dump by text and block.

TorkTorkBam · 13/08/2020 15:50

Run away. Fast.

Love bombing; ignoring your clearly stated needs for his wants; crying down the phone about his ex. All in six weeks. Enough red flags to make bunting.

So what if he loves you? You are not a support puppy.

Run.

Alongcameacat · 13/08/2020 15:51

He sounds awful. Get rid.

Bananalanacake · 13/08/2020 16:07

When I start dating someone I make it very clear I will see them once or twice a week, I have my own life and I don't stop everything for a man I've just met. I also make it clear there will be absolutely no talk of living together for at least 5 years, if he genuinely likes you he will respect your boundaries, if he's a cocklodger he will look for another woman to leech off.

I'm thinking as he was married for 20 years he's looking for another woman to live with to run around after him, he doesn't want to do his own cooking, laundry and housework, did that cross your mind too.

whatever you decide, I would say to him no moving in for 5 years, just to see how he reacts.

user1493413286 · 13/08/2020 16:13

Christ run for the hills! It’s so intense, it’s too much and is potentially a reaction to his separation. He doesn’t respect your boundaries and makes it all about him.

Justmuddlingalong · 13/08/2020 16:13

Yes. Run. He's suffocating and annoying you. You are a new girlfriend to him, not a replacement for his exW. Or a councillor. Don't waste your time, headspace or energy on him. It will not improve and will most probably get wise.

Justmuddlingalong · 13/08/2020 16:14

*worse

Lottapianos · 13/08/2020 16:23

'To me, this is all too much hard work for such early days! But I feel bad...'

Well don't! You're not responsible for this man or his feelings. So many red flags about his behaviour. He seems to have no respect for you or your space or your boundaries. 100% get rid, and be honest with yourself about why you have put up with this for so long

ShebaShimmyShake · 13/08/2020 16:26

Why do women so often feel obliged to stay in relationships with people they don't like?

NotaCoolMum · 13/08/2020 16:29

Run as far away and fast as you can. He will suffocate you.

Lottapianos · 13/08/2020 16:30

Most of us are well trained since childhood to 'be nice', think of others before ourselves, take care of people, try to help etc. So many of us have to learn the hard way to trust our gut, listen to our feelings and get good at setting boundaries and finding ways to say no

januaryjan · 13/08/2020 16:49

Should I run?

Yes!

AdventureCode · 13/08/2020 17:04

There's something seriously wrong with him. Has he said why he split from his ex of 20 years. Not that it matters either way though as he's not your problem.

Should you run? Yes, obviously.

UnfinishedSymphon · 13/08/2020 17:18

Yes you should run, as fast your legs will carry you to the biggest fucking hill! He's trying to love bomb and I'd put money on him becoming controlling as time goes on.

Original poster
NotAnnieWilkes · 13/08/2020 17:19

@AdventureCode

Yes, she ended things as they followed a religion and she wanted 'out' which he did too to try and save the marriage. He hasn't said a lot but has mentioned things like she felt pressured etc.

Thank you everyone for the replies, I'm reading and taking note. I texted him to end things but he's continually messaging asking things like if I want to see other people Hmm
I know if I block him he will just turn up.

OP posts:
Bananabread8 · 13/08/2020 17:20

Yes I would run. He knows he doesn’t love you so why is he saying he does? Don’t get involved.

Lottapianos · 13/08/2020 17:22

Text him one last time saying that you do not want to see or hear from him again, and that if he turns up, you will contact the police. And do not reply to any other texts, no matter what he says. What an arsehole.

Rainbowshine · 13/08/2020 17:22

Run faster than an Olympic athlete away from him.

Total love bombing and disrespecting your boundaries and manipulative behaviour if you don’t comply with putting what he wants first.

End it, block him on everything and be vigilant for hoovering and stalking/harassment and be prepared to report him to the police if you need to.

rvby · 13/08/2020 17:23

Listen, you need to understand, men like this don't even notice that the woman exists.

He's behaving like this because he's looking for a therapist-housekeeper who has zero boundaries and lives to make his life as easy as possible. He is literally testing to see how easy it is to force you to meet his needs in all situations, regardless of how you feel about it.

I doubt he is doing it consciously, but that makes it even worse. The idea that women exist to meet men's needs, and nothing else, is something that has been inculcated in this guy probably from the day he was born.

STOP trying to explain to him how he needs to change his behaviour. All he will do is change temporarily in order to hook you in, and then once you're more open and vulnerable (e.g., once you move in together, once you get married, once he owes you money, etc. etc.), he will revert right back to type because he will have you trapped by then. All you're doing is giving him insights that he can use to manipulate you.

You urgently need to get a spine and start seeing yourself as a person in your own right.

Some random man's emotional demands ARE NOT your problem. If he has MH issues he needs to approach a MH professional or his GP.

Please for Christ's sake take better care of yourself, and get away from this person who is screaming at you that he will ruin your life if it pleases him. I mean that with only concern for you, sorry to be so blunt.

BacklashStarts · 13/08/2020 17:24

He’s massively not over his marriage and is using you to a) tell himself/show her he is, and b) as free therapy.

It should be wall to wall fun at this point. This clearly isn’t fun.

You’re clearly strong and independent, he clearly wants a wife again - ideally one without pesky opinions.

Next!

KitchenConfidential · 13/08/2020 17:24

i know if I block him he will just turn up.

Jesus. That’s actually terrifying. In case you had any doubt about breaking up with him, this is exactly why you’ve done it.

firecracker69 · 13/08/2020 17:25

I'd block him and then if he turns up I'd call the police. He sounds like a pest who is only interested in what he wants. He is disrespecting your boundaries which is a huge red flag.

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