Should I run?

[NotAnnieWilkes]

I'm going to try to keep this brief but not drip feed!

Met a guy 6 weeks ago on OLD. He was married for 20 years and recently separated (a few months prior).
I was a little concerned, but at the same time not too much as I was (am!) just looking for dates and company and I'm in no rush to move things along.

He is a very intense person, always wanting to see me and and telling me he misses me, wanting to talk about feelings etc.
Date number 3 and he utters THOSE 3 words I told him it's not love, it's lust. I admit I nearly ran for the hills. I'm not sure what stopped me. I guess I can see he is emotionally quite immature, having never been with anyone else other than his wife.

Fast forward to last week, things had been ok, I mostly enjoy his company but he is pushy, last week he stayed over one night, I had said I don't think it's best he stays as I had things to do the next day. He said he was too tired to drive.
The next day he made himself at home, so I was blunt and said he needed to leave. He got the arse and left. I haven't seen him since.

I told him over the phone that he is too intense, talking about moving in together, the future etc and the constant wanting to know every feeling I have is too much.
He acknowledged that but is constantly asking to see me and all I feel is this huge pressure.

To me, this is all too much hard work for such early days! But I feel bad, he he thinks he is head over heels in love with me. The other night I spoke to him on the phone but only for 10 minutes as I was tired, he made me feel guilty about it being audio and not video and text me telling me he had stuff to tell me and was so upset... so I felt guilty and video called him. He was crying and telling me about stuff to do with his ex and how he was feeling.

I feel like he manipulates me in some ways, but then another side of me wonders if I'm being heartless and he's just a bit needy?!

[Lottapianos]

Excellent post from rvby. Please take note OP and heed every word of it

[formyboys]

He is a love addict and a total codependent who isn't capable of an adult relationship. Run for the hills! Seriously this will only end badly. Tell him it's over and block him. Do not respond or give him oxygen.

[AdventureCode]

Eurgh all the things he says are geared to make you feel responsible for him, such as he 'misses you' it's like he's trying to get you to be responsible for his feelings. Saying he loves you on date 3! (which is insane in itself) seems like he's trying to minipulate you to solidify a relationship that you don't have with him.
What religion it was op? because it makes me feel that actually it's not nessessarily about you, he would've picked anyone to latch onto. Did he talk to you or just at you when having conversations? Maybe he was just trying to get it all out so soon after his last relationship. Hopefully anyway because at least then he might swiftly move on to the next victim once he realises his mistakes.

[Rainbowshine]

If he turns up, lock the door and if he won’t leave then police. Don’t hesitate. He has no right to a relationship with you. You’ve had 3 dates and he’s acting like he owns you. Trust your instincts that are saying this isn’t right.

[AdventureCode]

Actually op if everytime yourve said no, he doesn't listen such as him forcing himself into your own and the same for the video calls. He really doesn't care how you feel, I would be worried that even if you told him not to turn up to your house he would anyway.
Did you message clearly state in simple terms that it's over and for him not to contact you again?

[NotAnnieWilkes]

Thank you. So pleased I posted. Think I just needed to read the replies to see I was not being unreasonable.

I've very clearly told him it is over. He's gone quiet now. Not sure if I'm relieved or worried!

[AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say don't run.

Buy a supercar, knock it up to 5th gear, put your foot down at 100mph and don't fucking stop until you're in another country 👍

[AdventureCode]

Thank god for that. I hope he takes it in and leaves you alone.

[Viviennemary]

He sounds a total pain. Avoid like the plague. You need to be firm and say sorry this does not work for me. You need to find somebody else. If he turns up tell him go away. If he won't call the police.

[IndieTara]

Don't be tempted to speak to him when he inevitably contacts you again

[Somethingkindaoooo]

@BacklashStarts

He’s massively not over his marriage and is using you to a) tell himself/show her he is, and b) as free therapy.

It should be wall to wall fun at this point. This clearly isn’t fun.

You’re clearly strong and independent, he clearly wants a wife again - ideally one without pesky opinions.

Next!

Yep, all those things. He's looking for an emotional crutch

[ProfessorPootle]

Good luck. I had one of these clingy love bombers at Uni when I was 18. He totally ground me down and made me responsible for his emotions until I had no friends and didn’t go out anywhere without him as he got upset and was jealous. Was awful, so suffocating. Once I split up with him he turned into a stalker who followed me around everywhere threatening suicide. If he turns up call the police. What I learnt from my experience was that you should never make someone else’s problems your problems. Lots of men are not mature enough for an adult relationship which is why they trample over women’s boundaries crying about themselves and their needs. You’ve done the right thing recognising he is the problem and getting out ASAP.

[ALittleBitConfused1]

He diesnt love you he is emotionally unstable and probably needs somewhere to live. Just because he isnt capable of adhering to your boundaries does not mean you can allow him to bully you.

You arent interested, he's lucky you didnt tell him to fuck off on date 3. I wouldve, not because I'm nasty but because I am not responsible for being a perfect stranger's emotional crutch and neither are you.

I would tell him one last time, in writing, you arent interested, you dont want to continue to see him or speak to him and you would like him to stop messaging/contacting you. No excuses, no reasons and definitely no justifications. I would also point out that any further communication after that will be viewed as harassment by you and dealt with appropriately. At that point stop responding, if he continues to contact you, block him if he turns up do not answer the door just call the police.
Grey rock and no shit taking is the only style that works with men of this ilk.

[Houseplantmad]

I'm exhausted by him just reading your post so god knows how you're feeling. Run for the hills.

[choli]

probably needs somewhere to live.
Nail on head.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Maybe you'd like to think about why you said - '...or is he just needy'?

JUST needy? Needy, on it's own, is a reason to run. Were you considering putting up with him if we'd all said 'oh, he sounds a bit needy?'

Needy = BAD.

[Dery]

"Think I just needed to read the replies to see I was not being unreasonable."

Dear OP - what part of not wanting to date him is unreasonable? I think you need to look into why you were second-guessing yourself on not wanting to stay around someone who is clearly deeply emotionally unstable, repeatedly ignores your boundaries and is shaping up to sound quite dangerous. You owe him nothing. So why were you even questioning what you should do?

[iMatter]

Run a fucking mile

He's a disaster waiting to happen

[madcatladyforever]

Good grief he is totally immature. I'd be sick of that kind of behaviour in 5 minutes. It is not the behaviour of a mature adult man.
At any rate it's far too soon to be dating he isn't even divorced yet and has all that baggage.
You can do better.

[AzraiL]

It's desperation. He's got a huge, empty wife-sized hole in his life he needs to fill, and he's hoping to slot you right in.

Run and don't look back!

[Rainbowshine]

Out of pure nosiness was the religion that he left the Jehovah’s Witnesses?

[Zaphodsotherhead]

AND he belongs to a religion that his wife wants to leave. Which means he still belongs. Would that mean that you'd have to conform to his beliefs?

Or is it one of those where he only 'believes' when it benefits him, and forgets about it when he's off after a new woman like a whippet chasing a cold sausage?

[SoulofanAggron]

I feel like he manipulates me in some ways, but then another side of me wonders if I'm being heartless and he's just a bit needy?!

No, you're not heartless at all, or you'dve dumped him long before now. He's awful and manipulative/pushy. Well done for getting rid of him. If he comes round just don't answer the door, and if he lurks/knocks etc for long, call the police.

@Zaphodsotherhead I understood it as he also left the religion, to try and win his wife back.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

@SoulofanAggron - in a weird way I find that even worse. His beliefs were so shallow that he was prepared to chuck them to keep his wife, even though he'd presumably held to them sufficiently up until then to make her life miserable!

[TorkTorkBam]

@NotAnnieWilkes

Thank you. So pleased I posted. Think I just needed to read the replies to see I was not being unreasonable.

I've very clearly told him it is over. He's gone quiet now. Not sure if I'm relieved or worried!

Now is the time to block him.

Here you are, sitting being afraid, after only six weeks. He is nothing to you. Block him so you aren't monitoring for what he is thinking/doing. If he has the fucking abusive mentality to turn up at your place send him packing with sharp fury and be quite clear it will be the police called next time if he won't accept that no means no.