Should I run?

[NotAnnieWilkes]

I'm going to try to keep this brief but not drip feed!

Met a guy 6 weeks ago on OLD. He was married for 20 years and recently separated (a few months prior).
I was a little concerned, but at the same time not too much as I was (am!) just looking for dates and company and I'm in no rush to move things along.

He is a very intense person, always wanting to see me and and telling me he misses me, wanting to talk about feelings etc.
Date number 3 and he utters THOSE 3 words I told him it's not love, it's lust. I admit I nearly ran for the hills. I'm not sure what stopped me. I guess I can see he is emotionally quite immature, having never been with anyone else other than his wife.

Fast forward to last week, things had been ok, I mostly enjoy his company but he is pushy, last week he stayed over one night, I had said I don't think it's best he stays as I had things to do the next day. He said he was too tired to drive.
The next day he made himself at home, so I was blunt and said he needed to leave. He got the arse and left. I haven't seen him since.

I told him over the phone that he is too intense, talking about moving in together, the future etc and the constant wanting to know every feeling I have is too much.
He acknowledged that but is constantly asking to see me and all I feel is this huge pressure.

To me, this is all too much hard work for such early days! But I feel bad, he he thinks he is head over heels in love with me. The other night I spoke to him on the phone but only for 10 minutes as I was tired, he made me feel guilty about it being audio and not video and text me telling me he had stuff to tell me and was so upset... so I felt guilty and video called him. He was crying and telling me about stuff to do with his ex and how he was feeling.

I feel like he manipulates me in some ways, but then another side of me wonders if I'm being heartless and he's just a bit needy?!

[Downunderduchess]

He’s already manipulated you into doing what he wants by carrying on crying etc. He doesn’t seem to care about your needs. Can’t see it getting better. You owe him nothing. Move on.

[thebeachismyhappyplace2]

He is love bombing you - huge red flag! I’d run!

[Rainbowshine]

@NotAnnieWilkes that’s good to hear. Just be prepared for drunk texts and stupidity over the weekend (bitter voice of experience). I hope I am being unnecessarily cynical and that he’s got the message.

[sosickofthisshit]

Jesus, sounds like you were with my ex 😳

[Eddielzzard]

Well done. Refusing to leave when you asked him, plus intensity and not listening to boundaries - you're well rid.

[NotaCoolMum]

Well done op for listening to your instincts 💐💐

[NotAnnieWilkes]

Thanks.

Haven't heard anything from him since I was clear that it's over.

[chatterbugmegastar]

I've very clearly told him it is over. He's gone quiet now. Not sure if I'm relieved or worried!

You don't need to be anything. It's over. He's blocked. You never need think of the needy man child again

[Fbcbsjdb87273]

Most of us are well trained since childhood to 'be nice', think of others before ourselves, take care of people, try to help etc.
So true- it can help to reframe things ,- when you're dating, you're selecting the ideal partner for an older person, a person who may have challenges in life and needs a wonderful, loving, kind person to make a home with.
True, that older woman will be older you... But still, doesn't viewing things like that knock away any nonsense about being with someone for any reason at all apart from you really wanting to and that they enrich your life?

[Anordinarymum]

@NotAnnieWilkes

I'm going to try to keep this brief but not drip feed!

Met a guy 6 weeks ago on OLD. He was married for 20 years and recently separated (a few months prior).
I was a little concerned, but at the same time not too much as I was (am!) just looking for dates and company and I'm in no rush to move things along.

He is a very intense person, always wanting to see me and and telling me he misses me, wanting to talk about feelings etc.
Date number 3 and he utters THOSE 3 words I told him it's not love, it's lust. I admit I nearly ran for the hills. I'm not sure what stopped me. I guess I can see he is emotionally quite immature, having never been with anyone else other than his wife.

Fast forward to last week, things had been ok, I mostly enjoy his company but he is pushy, last week he stayed over one night, I had said I don't think it's best he stays as I had things to do the next day. He said he was too tired to drive.
The next day he made himself at home, so I was blunt and said he needed to leave. He got the arse and left. I haven't seen him since.

I told him over the phone that he is too intense, talking about moving in together, the future etc and the constant wanting to know every feeling I have is too much.
He acknowledged that but is constantly asking to see me and all I feel is this huge pressure.

To me, this is all too much hard work for such early days! But I feel bad, he he thinks he is head over heels in love with me. The other night I spoke to him on the phone but only for 10 minutes as I was tired, he made me feel guilty about it being audio and not video and text me telling me he had stuff to tell me and was so upset... so I felt guilty and video called him. He was crying and telling me about stuff to do with his ex and how he was feeling.

I feel like he manipulates me in some ways, but then another side of me wonders if I'm being heartless and he's just a bit needy?!

It sounds like you are 'the rebound'. Tread carefully with him and be cool. I would not be able to stand such attention especially from a man. That was supposed to be a funny :)

[Aerial2020]

Rebound. Rebound. Rebound.
That's what you are. Someone to make him feel better. You are not his counsellor.

He is all over the place.
What is worrying is that you replies incase he turns up. That is not good or healthy

[Comtesse]

NOPE

[Itsallpointless]

Bloody lunatic..get rid PDQ

[backseatcookers]

OP would you consider some counselling before dating again? I only say this as I recognise so much of myself in my early 20s in your post and doing some hard work in counselling has changed my life. Google the shark cage and focus on you and your boundaries for a while, before starting to date again. I promise promise promise it's worth it

[ShebaShimmyShake]

People who want you to fix them are always bad news, male or female.

[1000umbrellas]

You are not a support puppy

Can this be the new LTB, please?

[Ingridla]

*With anyone

[Ingridla]

It's way too soon for him to be getting serious with why one, it's only been a few months after a 20 year marriage! He'll still be all over the place, I'd let it go, it won't be a healthy relationship for either of you.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Just to add, after knowing this guy for a total of six weeks, you already find yourself feeling responsible for his emotional wellbeing. This is simply not healthy. Well done for ending it, now make sure it stays ended.

[Anniegetyourgun]

[Dery]

"If he has the fucking abusive mentality to turn up at your place send him packing with sharp fury and be quite clear it will be the police called next time if he won't accept that no means no."

This.

[TorkTorkBam]

@NotAnnieWilkes

Thank you. So pleased I posted. Think I just needed to read the replies to see I was not being unreasonable.

I've very clearly told him it is over. He's gone quiet now. Not sure if I'm relieved or worried!

Now is the time to block him.

Here you are, sitting being afraid, after only six weeks. He is nothing to you. Block him so you aren't monitoring for what he is thinking/doing. If he has the fucking abusive mentality to turn up at your place send him packing with sharp fury and be quite clear it will be the police called next time if he won't accept that no means no.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

@SoulofanAggron - in a weird way I find that even worse. His beliefs were so shallow that he was prepared to chuck them to keep his wife, even though he'd presumably held to them sufficiently up until then to make her life miserable!

[SoulofanAggron]

I feel like he manipulates me in some ways, but then another side of me wonders if I'm being heartless and he's just a bit needy?!

No, you're not heartless at all, or you'dve dumped him long before now. He's awful and manipulative/pushy. Well done for getting rid of him. If he comes round just don't answer the door, and if he lurks/knocks etc for long, call the police.

@Zaphodsotherhead I understood it as he also left the religion, to try and win his wife back.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

AND he belongs to a religion that his wife wants to leave. Which means he still belongs. Would that mean that you'd have to conform to his beliefs?

Or is it one of those where he only 'believes' when it benefits him, and forgets about it when he's off after a new woman like a whippet chasing a cold sausage?