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Original poster

DP, mental health and cleaning... help

91 replies

queenstownlovin · 13/08/2020 08:10

We've lived together for a year, I'm 24 he's 27, both work full time, no DC.

He has recently been struggling with MH quite badly, on medication now but has good days and bad days. I tried to bring the cleaning up and it turned into a huge thing of him having a proper breakdown about his MH in general. He cried, haven't seen him cry in 6 years of being together. He has lots of things going on which I'm trying to be supportive and sensitive about.

He says I'm being 'negative' but I know that's because I'm beginning to really resent how little he does in the house, I'm trying not to get him down with it while his MH is bad but also, it's driving me mad. It comes out in little comments or jibes every so often.

Basically I do all the cooking which I don't mind as I enjoy it. But I also do all the pots, all the kitchen cleaning, all the food shopping/ordering. I do actually do everything in the house except he takes the bins out one a week and once in a blue moon he'll throw the hoover around the living room, note, not the whole house, just the living room🤷🏼‍♀️

What is the solution? I've been on strike this week, he's done nothing, the house is vile. He cooked us pasta and chopped tomatoes (was awful, but he tried at least) on Monday, kitchens not been touched since. All food waste, pots and pans left out, fruit flies everywhere, it's disgusting. He doesn't know it, but got a friend popping in for lunch today so I'm going to have to blitz it all.

What can I do to be sensitive to his delicate MH but also not be taken for an absolute mug.

He's not a total dick btw, he's loving, caring and considerate in lots of other ways... just not with this. It was also like this before his MH declined.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 13/08/2020 08:13

he's happy to live in a beautifully magically cleaned house though right 🤔

AvoidingRealHumans · 13/08/2020 08:15

This would be the end for me. I couldn't live like that and it will only get worse.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/08/2020 08:19

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

How exactly is he loving, caring and considerate towards you in other ways?. You're 24 and living like this?. You sound like his maid and a poorly treated one at that. Where are your family here; how aware are they of what is happening?.

Going on strike has not worked and I would ask whether you have considered ending the relationship altogether. Now you're going to go back in there and clean it all because you have a friend coming round!. He will certainly realise then that all he has to do is further leave it to you because you will at some stage clean it all up for him. Do not clean the place; leave it and meet your friend outdoors.

Does he truly regard the housework as your role by dint of fact that you are female?. It seems so. He strikes me as behaving abusively towards you actually (you allude to comments and or jibes made every so often) and is perhaps further using any apparent MH issues as an excuse to treat you this bad.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/08/2020 08:21

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Also you met this man when you were 18 and had no real life experience behind you; he likely targeted you and perhaps too you met when you were at a low point in your life. There is more to life than this, far more.

LemonTT · 13/08/2020 08:21

Only you can say if his ill health manifests into doing no housework. Did he do it before he became sick? Because want you do really relies on establishing what is medically wrong with him and distinguishing that from what is essentially his true nature.

If this is part of his illness, then your approach is wrong. Everything you are doing would be making him stressed. But the subtext is that you don’t think he is depressed or that this causes him to not cook or clean.

BusterGonad · 13/08/2020 08:23

I would meet the friend elsewhere and leave him to it. Some people don't mind living in their own shit. You need to think about if you can put up with it long term.

Rainallnight · 13/08/2020 08:24

Hang on, the key point here is in your very last line - he was also like this before his MH declined.

So he’s a dick who’s happy for you to clean up after him. To be clear, that’s what he thinks you’re worth.

You’re young. Find someone better.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/08/2020 08:25

I agree with all these other posts... this is his pattern of behaviour now OP ... he's unwell so this exempts him from contributing to all domesticity .... it's a No from me lady... 🌺

Stuckforthefourthtime · 13/08/2020 08:25

My DH would get down like this before kids. When he was happy all was lovely, when he wasn't I was like mum as well as gf/wife.

Bluntly and sure I'll be flamed, if one of my DCs had a partner who experienced depression like this even before kids, I'd hope they would break up. Life only gets harder as you get kids, or get more senior at work, and you'll end up feeling like a slave. Guaranteed.

Get him in a good state, or call his mum to come help, then go

tribpot · 13/08/2020 08:25

OP says It was also like this before his MH declined. - so she is not suggesting the behaviour is caused by his MH issues, just that they make it difficult to raise it with him without putting additional stress on him.

Unfortunately OP he knows that if he leaves it long enough you will always pick up the slack for him - whether it was your friend coming today or just the smell in summer or whatever it may be (you did well to last this long).

I think your only solution is to live separately. Are you in a position to move out?

Rainallnight · 13/08/2020 08:25

Also, I’ve had periods in my life of very, very poor mental health and I’ve not lived like that, even if I had to drag myself off the floor to do it.

fabulous40s · 13/08/2020 08:28

His mental health will always trump yours and he doesn't care that he's making your life difficult or unhappy - run whilst you can. Stop being so sensitive to him and stand up for yourself. Would you want your future daughter in a relationship like this?

Dennysheart · 13/08/2020 08:29

He was like this before he had bigger MH issues. He won’t get better. If you have kids, he’ll get even worse and resentment will set in and kill your relationship. Personally if it’s like this now, I’d start again. You’re only 24.

ricochetricochet · 13/08/2020 08:30

Get him to pay for a cleaner a couple of hours a week

timeisnotaline · 13/08/2020 08:31

Meet friend elsewhere and don’t clean house. He was like this before so it’s not his mental health, it’s him. I’d want to speak to someone who could support him, move out and say i can’t support you with your mental health when I’m just done with being the domestic slave. Let me know if you want to try again on a pulling your weight basis.

mynameiscalypso · 13/08/2020 08:33

His MH does not trump yours.

ShebaShimmyShake · 13/08/2020 08:35

You're 24, unmarried, no kids. Just gtfo. It's not going to get better. And it won't make you A Morally Bad Person either. You've only lived together a year and there's no reward for giving up your young life to shit like this.

chocciechocface · 13/08/2020 08:37

I couldn't live like that. I promise you, that feeling of resentment and anger will grow and grow.

JadesRollerDisco · 13/08/2020 08:37

I would pack my things and leave. Because this doesn't sound like it's caused by his MH it sounds like it's just who he is. What help is he getting for his MH?

MyOwnSummer · 13/08/2020 08:38

This is a difficult one. If you are depressed, making a start on the cleaning can seem overwhelming. However, you do mention that there was an issue previously.

Perhaps the best approach is that you tackle the cleaning together, as a joint activity? One washes up while the other hoovers etc.

Bottom line, regardless of his mental health it is not your job to be his housekeeper. His mental health is his issue, and he needs to recognize that he needs to do whatever it takes to try and get well and pull his weight around the house, even if that means starting with baby steps towards the end goal.

CrotchetyQuaver · 13/08/2020 08:39

i think his mental health problems and being a slob are two separate issues. by the sound of it he'll still be a slob after his MH has improved. i'd walk if this doesn't improve. you should be pulling together as a team and it sounds like that's never been the case.

Xiaoxiong · 13/08/2020 08:44

A good friend of mine left his husband in the same circumstances. He tried for far too long to support his husband through MH issues which the H refused to engage with, refused to go to counselling etc even while friend was doing everything around the house as well as supporting both of them as H couldn't hold down a job (kept getting fired). But the last straw was when he said something along the lines of "you can't demand I wash up, you are making me feel very anxious when you demand things". Friend said he realised that if normal everyday discussions (and it was just a "can you do the dishes from three days ago" kind of discussion) about the dishes were being reframed as worsening his H's mental health, all he could do was leave. I think he truly hoped that that would be the kick in the pants to engage with MH care and they could get back together but it wasn't enough even then.

Craftycorvid · 13/08/2020 08:44

What Atilla says. There is more to life. Don’t get caught up in the trap of being blackmailed by his mental health problems. It’s entirely possible to have a mental health problem and be a less than pleasant person. The trap is when someone cites their mental health as a reason for all their character and behaviour traits, as if this trumps any distress their behaviour causes you. I don’t doubt he has genuine problems, but it’s not your responsibility to do more than support his efforts to get help (and I do know that’s not always easy right now).

BumbleBeee69 · 13/08/2020 08:46

clean the house space by packing your stuff up OP and leaving 🌺

tenlittlecygnets · 13/08/2020 08:47

Poor MH does not mean you can't clean your own house. He's treating you like a maid - and a mug. Sounds like a lazy, selfish git.

You deserve more. And you're so young! I'd leave him.

And next relationship, set out a schedule for cleaning so you and your partner share the tasks like adults.

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