DP, mental health and cleaning... help

[queenstownlovin]

We've lived together for a year, I'm 24 he's 27, both work full time, no DC.

He has recently been struggling with MH quite badly, on medication now but has good days and bad days. I tried to bring the cleaning up and it turned into a huge thing of him having a proper breakdown about his MH in general. He cried, haven't seen him cry in 6 years of being together. He has lots of things going on which I'm trying to be supportive and sensitive about.

He says I'm being 'negative' but I know that's because I'm beginning to really resent how little he does in the house, I'm trying not to get him down with it while his MH is bad but also, it's driving me mad. It comes out in little comments or jibes every so often.

Basically I do all the cooking which I don't mind as I enjoy it. But I also do all the pots, all the kitchen cleaning, all the food shopping/ordering. I do actually do everything in the house except he takes the bins out one a week and once in a blue moon he'll throw the hoover around the living room, note, not the whole house, just the living room🤷🏼‍♀️

What is the solution? I've been on strike this week, he's done nothing, the house is vile. He cooked us pasta and chopped tomatoes (was awful, but he tried at least) on Monday, kitchens not been touched since. All food waste, pots and pans left out, fruit flies everywhere, it's disgusting. He doesn't know it, but got a friend popping in for lunch today so I'm going to have to blitz it all.

What can I do to be sensitive to his delicate MH but also not be taken for an absolute mug.

He's not a total dick btw, he's loving, caring and considerate in lots of other ways... just not with this. It was also like this before his MH declined.

You should be crying over how lazy your partner is. He's a manchild who doesn't really care to change, why would he, he has you enabling him? Healthy adults don't blame others for their issues, they realise they have some control over them and seek to address those of their own initiative. You're not his mother, but man, you sure do act like one! I mean, c'mon, you haven't 'given him a chance' to feed himself and cook himself dinner? My DD has dyslexia and is a teenager. If DH and I are at work, she has to make her own meal, she uses the internet so she can follow a video and pause it if she's making something new. She's got a job to save up for driving lessons (we'll buy her the first 10 and go halves if she needs more) because she's eager to start being independent (even though she'll have to have a reader and longer time on the theory test). She's swotting up herself for her exams because she wants to be able to earn a decent living for herself, not coast and drift through life.

You haven't given yourself a chance to find someone who's equal to you, a real partner in a relationship who is an adult in his own right, as you are.

This guy is nearly 30. This doesn't get better.

You'll find yourself wiped out, miserable, frustrated and bitter, and he won't give a shit, he'll find someone else dumb enough to think she can change him, he just needs love, he's a 'great dad'.

Great parents are adults who don't need someone to enable them to skive out of life.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's sad to think you're upset. It must have been very hard reading all these replies. Honestly though, if there's one thing I'd tell any young woman, it's that you absolutely mustn't have a baby with someone who already thinks you should do their share of the shitwork, however positive their other qualities might be. It will be much, much worse than you can currently understand. You're young enough not to make that mistake.

Why would you write down recipes for him? There are tons of recipes and youtube tutorials online he could look up himself and try to do. There's encouraging and then there's spoon-feeding. He needs to take some initiative himself.

I'm sorry you're upset by the responses you're getting but you're going to end up with a really tough row to hoe unless you get some fairness in division of labour.

It takes more than being fun for kids to be a good dad. Do you really want the example they're set to be lazy but fun dad and skivvying but nagging mum?

Ok you said his mental health can’t take doing housework. Let’s not think about this being purely laziness and take it at face value.

What aspect of it is the problem? What part of pulling his weight does he feel is a problem?

Is he exhausted after work and can’t cope with anything more?

Is it because he’s scared he won’t do it to your standard and fail you?

Is it because he worries he will forget to do it because his memory has gone with stress at work these days?

Is it because he’s never been shown how to clean and is nervous about it?

Does he have a dirt or germ phobia?

Find the reason and address it. Perhaps it will mean doing everything together until he gets the hang of it.
Or him stopping overtime or working late for nothing as some conscientious employees stupidly do.
You clean the kitchen together, you chop the veg and cook it together etc. You show him how to do everything like you would a child but not patronisingly.

If he doesn’t have a reason as to why housework is stressful then I can only conclude he has a severe doze of lazybastarditis, which can only be cured by pushing through it and shouting at him, or splitting up.

Many of us have been there. There are many posts from people complaining their DH does no housework or looking after the baby work. See the signs now, don’t have a baby, and if he doesn’t pull his weight.....

I'm not ready to hear it. I'm going to dip out of this thread before I have to read more of the same responses and actually cry over bloody mumsnet.

I'm sorry that you feel like that. The truth hurts sometimes.
Better to cry over bloody mumsnet now than to cry in 5 years time when you have a baby and the situation is even worse because you're trying to earn money to support the family; caring for the baby; doing all the driving; doing all of the household chores and DP is still sitting around being a lazy bastard, using his mental health problems as an excuse to get away with doing fucking nothing.

OP, I know you’re upset, but if you’re still reading or pop back on, please know posters are saying these things because you sound great and you deserve someone who is a true partner and will give you the life you deserve.

You will be a slave forever if you stay. It will get 10 times worse with kids. Please leave, look after YOU.

Sorry, of course it is upsetting, when you are trying so hard to find the positives, and hoping so hard that things will improve, and then we all get out a big pin and pop your bubble.
You're almost my daughter's age and I'd be really sad if I learned that she was so committed to someone who lets her sit in a house full of flies rather than wash the dishes.
You've been in a relationship since you were very young. It must be hard to imagine not being with someone. I hope you aren't making decisions based on that, or on any feeling of obligation.

OP, this must be hard to hear

I was you, once. I wasted 15 years of my life on a selfish lazy man who appeared great & "lovely" on the surface.

I wish MN had been around then; I perhaps would have made choices that resulted in me being happier - rather than middle-aged, resentful & knackered.

Happiness is a choice

Why ask the question, then, OP, if you only want to hear what you can handle?

Leave him now. He will make you incredibly unhappy long term and it will be much more difficult to get out later

I was you, once. I wasted 15 years of my life on a selfish lazy man who appeared great & "lovely" on the surface.

Yes. I wish someone had said to me all the things the posters here have said. I'd even go further and say that even if he IS generally lovely, even if he WOULD clean if it wasn't for his mental health issues.... if he has chronic depression then it actually won't make the difference that he's ignoring stuff because he's ill. Because ultimately, you'll be the one doing all the housework, and childcare and likely working alongside it any time he's not feeling good.

If his mother has already been awful to you, and isn't close to him, that's another red flag. And another one is that you work in a child related area, and talk about her PND and their connection in a way that strongly suggests you are a kind and empathetic person, who likes to diagnose and identify issues and help people, and likely feel a sense of responsibility.

It sounds like you've got a project, but you deserve a partner. Wish I'd known it.

@queenstownlovin

Sorry for disappearing I've had a really busy day with work.

So many responses! Thank you all.

So we already own the house, didn't mean to drip feed but didn't want to waffle in my OP. Also, it's not a short relationship we have been together for 5 years, kind of half lived with each other 3 years between parents houses and now this year in our house.

When I say he is good in other ways, I mean he is incredibly supportive of me emotionally. He builds me up so much, I know he loves me a lot, he shows me and tells me all the time. I'm going back into education in a few weeks and he offered to pay a higher % of household bills straight away as my income will be dropping for the next 3 years. He knows I'm pursuing something I've always wanted to do and has encouraged me so much to go for it. He's lovely, loving, supportive and funny.

He is lazy though! He isn't motivated, for example he doesn't drive, he says he hasn't got around to it, but I know he's anxious about the lessons and won't just push through the scary feeling and get it done.
His work situation is getting better lately but in the years before now he's been in very low paying jobs and seemed happy there. Whether it's all linked to anxiety and depression I don't know. He's been on medication for 4 months and I am seeing a real positive change in him, he's so much nicer to be around now. It feels like the 'cloud' has lifted from over him/us.

I think I compare him to myself, I'm not perfect by any stretch but I'd say I have pretty high standards of myself... Good job, going into my second degree, car, active social life etc etc, I want that for him too - but he just doesn't have that itch for it all like I do.

I want to support him as much as possible. His mum is not good, their relationships is strained. She had PND after he was born and is really effected their bond. Me and his mum have also clashed in the past, she is really uncaring towards others. She didn't do much of the parenting for him and his bio dad wasn't around much either. He was brought up mostly by grandparents and his lovely step dad who loved him beyond measure it seems, but he doesn't have much confidence or good life skills.

Re the comments about children. He will be a fantastic dad. He's brilliant with children and has all the time in the world for them, it's nice to see him around his much littler brother, they have a great bond. Children won't be any time soon for us but I am confident we will be fine. I realise I may sound naive here, but this is my field, I understand more than most childless 24 year olds what it takes!

Lots of things have struck a cord with me here. I'm going to broach it again. I just wish I didn't have to, I'm not his mother. I think a rota is probably a good way to go. Cooking is my thing, I enjoy it, and am better at it than him! But I haven't given him chance to learn and practice. I may write down some basic recipes for him to try to make for tea and build it from there.

Thank you all

Unfortunately this is indeed so naive. He will not make a great dad. He will be a lazy, hands off dad. Believe me, 90% of early parenting is hard and often messy graft. Also, at 24 why would you sign up to be mother to your boyfriend already? You shouldn't have to make a rota. Look for a relationship with an equal partner.

You can have MH issues and be a lazy selfish arse.

Sigh.

He builds me up so much,
Yup - he builds you up as "the one who can handle everything"....and that's how you end up doing EVERYTHING whilst he sits on his arse......

How will a lazy man who cannot clean or cook make a good dad? Do you mean he will cheerfully take a child to the park once a week? Because you can’t possibly mean he will help out at 1am and 4am then crawl out of bed at 5:30 when baby/toddler/5 yo is up and make them brekky, wipe them and table up, change nappy and get them dressed, brush teeth and they play while he puts a load of washing on them packs their bag and drops them at nursery. It sounds more probable that he will climb Everest.