DP, mental health and cleaning... help

[queenstownlovin]

We've lived together for a year, I'm 24 he's 27, both work full time, no DC.

He has recently been struggling with MH quite badly, on medication now but has good days and bad days. I tried to bring the cleaning up and it turned into a huge thing of him having a proper breakdown about his MH in general. He cried, haven't seen him cry in 6 years of being together. He has lots of things going on which I'm trying to be supportive and sensitive about.

He says I'm being 'negative' but I know that's because I'm beginning to really resent how little he does in the house, I'm trying not to get him down with it while his MH is bad but also, it's driving me mad. It comes out in little comments or jibes every so often.

Basically I do all the cooking which I don't mind as I enjoy it. But I also do all the pots, all the kitchen cleaning, all the food shopping/ordering. I do actually do everything in the house except he takes the bins out one a week and once in a blue moon he'll throw the hoover around the living room, note, not the whole house, just the living room🤷🏼‍♀️

What is the solution? I've been on strike this week, he's done nothing, the house is vile. He cooked us pasta and chopped tomatoes (was awful, but he tried at least) on Monday, kitchens not been touched since. All food waste, pots and pans left out, fruit flies everywhere, it's disgusting. He doesn't know it, but got a friend popping in for lunch today so I'm going to have to blitz it all.

What can I do to be sensitive to his delicate MH but also not be taken for an absolute mug.

He's not a total dick btw, he's loving, caring and considerate in lots of other ways... just not with this. It was also like this before his MH declined.

If he didn't have MH issues, would you be considering breaking up, having discovered how unpleasant he is to live with?

Ask him to pay for a cleaner?

Good Lord .just noticed you are 24! Thought you were in your 50s or something! Surely just go .Imagine yourself 5 or 10 years time with DC in the mix! MH issues are hard to deal with but cant be made an excuse foe basically being a lazy lump!

Is he gaming all day/night & not sleeping?

(Nothing against gamers)

I just wonder if he finds the energy to do this?

Don’t listen to any advice here to get a cleaner. That won’t touch the sides of the day to day crap that’s all being left to you.

If he lived alone, would he be living like that then? Where did he live before you two lived together and what did he eat if he doesn't cook?
Is he getting help for his mental health?

Oh goodness, people on here just tell you to LTB like it's changing your pants.

When you're living together and still fairly young you're both learning from each other and changing. His habits are being facilitated by you at the moment but you can both change them if he's truly a nice loving partner as you say he is.

Draw up a cleaning rota and tell him you both need to keep on top of the house as it's affecting your quality of life.
I know it shouldn't be your job to manage him but sometimes we need to state clearly what we expect and exert our boundaries. If he's a good bloke he'll rise to it.

My DP is 28, we met when he was 24. He’s 7 years younger than me. We’ve both had bouts of MH issues (me more than him) and were forced to live together during lockdown (this is incredibly outing haha). This is what I would do in your situation:

Do not accept MH issues as a cause for not cleaning. Sure, when I’ve been depressed on my own I don’t do as much but he’s still got eyes I presume and can see you doing everything.

Sit him down and explain that this is now affecting your MH and you won’t accept it, so either together you will write up a chores list or you will live separately. Or you will end it. You need to be as clear as that.

If he refuses citing MH, then you know it’s never going to get better and I would leave.

If he agrees to chores list, write it together, try to give each other chores you don’t hate so much, and put it somewhere obvious. My DP said he liked it as he could see every day what he needed to do.

I do think everyone has it in themselves to be lazy. I know I can be and if someone cleans up after me I can sort of convince myself they don’t mind doing it. I think you need to make it clear how unhappy you are.

Obviously MH issues are difficult-it’s impossible for anyone here to make an assessment because there’s such a huge range. If he’s suicidal for example, the priority should obviously be saving his life and taking him to the doctor. However you said he was untidy before MH issues so to me it seems separate.

Good luck!

Bin him off. Having and showing consideration and thought for the home you live in and share with your partner is so so important. He doesn’t cook and chooses to live in squaller, I’m trying to imagine what he brings to the table to make you say he’s considerate and loving. He’s lazy. He thinks he’s too good to clean and that it’s your job. That shows disdain and contempt for you.

It’s sad for him that he’s struggling with his MH but it’s irrelevant to this issue if he’s always been lazy, messy, dirty and thought he was better than cleaning up after himself. Where it is relevant is yes emotionally blackmailing and manipulating you into feeling you can’t raise your valid concerns because he’s depressed. That’s fucking out of order and you deserve so much better.

Agree with Buzzswole. It's unrealistic to leave someone you love with lots of good qualities because of one aspect of behaviour.

But have a serious and frank conversation about that cleaning should be 50/50 and what your expectation of 'clean' is as it might be different. If it doesn't improve, then consider if that's how you'd be prepare to live long term.

MH issues or not, you need to have the conversation. Not addressing it and not communicating will be harder long term.

He sounds like a lazy git who will make a terrible father. Make sure he is not father to your kids or you will have a lifetime as a skivvy.

Oh goodness, people on here just tell you to LTB like it's changing your pants.

If you're 24, the relationship is short (one year living together), unmarried and no kids, it really isn't such a Herculean task to get out. Especially if the home is rented; OP isn't clear on this but at their ages I'd say it's likely.

He was a lazy arse before his MH problems and when she goes on strike he just lives in filth. Come on, you read these boards, you know what's in store for the future. She's 24, it's a short relationship, no ties, she's unhappy enough to be posting on here. What do you think will happen after kids? It'll get better?

It was also like this before his MH declined.

This was your last sentence and I thought as much before I even read this far.
What is his mental health condition? This will give you an indication of whether cleaning is possible for him or not.
Personally I think, depending on what problems he has, he should be pulling his weight on his better days and you can then cut him some slack on days when he was really struggling.

However, I had an ex who was lazy as fuck and would not do anything around the home and every time I spoke to him about it he would say "I'm not feeling very happy at the moment", "I'm in a deep black hole mentally" or would start crying or just storm out of the flat. (He claimed to have depression but had never been to see a doctor about it).
So yeah, I'm afraid I am very skeptical about people using MH problems as an excuse for doing nothing. If they really are incapable of doing a few chores then they should be discussing this with their doctor as they obviously need more help. But as he was like this before his MH declined I think you've got someone on your hands who wouldn't be doing anything even if he was well.

I would have a discussion with him and say that him doing some of the chores is absolutely non-negotiable as living in a tip makes everyone's mental health worse. He can choose some of the chores which he thinks he could manage and he should do more on his better days.
If he won't do anything then I'd probably end it.

I am you but with 14 years and two children under my belt too. I am now starting the excruciating task of leaving DH and it would have been MUCH easier to do it when I was also 24 with no real ties to him that couldn't have been swiftly broken. I think that is why so many of us say to leave - we can see how it will pan out.

His habits are being facilitated by you at the moment

No, she’s been on strike for a week and the place is a disgusting hell hole because he’s a lazy git happy to line in filth if he doesn’t have the little woman to clean and tidy for him.

Draw up a cleaning rota

She’s supposed to be his partner, not his bloody mother ffs.

If he's a good bloke he'll rise to it.

He’s had a chance this week and he’s left the place in a revolting state because OP hasn’t done everything. He’s clearly not a “good bloke”, he’s a lazy inconsiderate filthy arsehole.

It’s good OP has realised this set up is bullshit. At least she’s not tied to him by marriage or children.

Some of you need to raise your pitiful standards. His mental health issues are fuck all to do with his lack of hygiene or consideration, he’s always been like this. That’s clear from the OP. He’s now adding emotional blackmail to his existing flaws. His penis doesn’t stop him from being able to cook, or at least clean up. His sexist immature attitude is doing that and it’s ridiculous.

OP, meet your friend elsewhere. Don’t you dare clean up his mess unless you do it for the very last time and bag up his stuff as well. Cave now and you’re showing him he can carry on like this.

It doesn't matter what his mental health issues are really. If someone is chronically depressed and has a house full of hoarded stuff then sure, that's going to be a massive issue and overwhelming for them to manage. But not the normal day to day of doing the washing up and running the hoover round. I assume he's able to manage other normal day to day things like showering, work, etc? We're not talking about someone who is so depressed they can't even get out of bed in the morning?

One person's mental health doesn't fully trump the other persons, and I say that as someone with a DH who suffers from depression and anxiety.

You tell him that you understand and you want to support him, but this is a partnership, and there's some things that just need to be accepted and done. Him treating you as a skivvy and a maid and expecting you to be the only one who does any housework just isn't acceptable and he has to understand that.

If he's a good person suffering from MH issues there will be a way to reach a compromise and make this work. But if he's not, and he just doesn't want to clean up... Well then, you're 24, get something better

@mynameiscalypso

His MH does not trump yours.

^^this with bells on!

I have suffered from depression on and off for 30 years since the birth of my DS. No one has come along and looked after my DS for me or done my cleaning. Never has my house become a pit. I have struggled through every day like swimming in treacle but I did it. No one took me by the hand and led me to the doctor. I had to recognise it was my responsibility and get it sorted. When I start the descent into depression I immediately get myself to the docs, get medication and counselling if I feel I need it. I don’t expect anyone else to deal with my problems. Eventually I come out the other side. Depression is a part of life for most people. Since menopause the depression has got worse and anxiety has appeared on top. Still my house is cleaned to a decent standard. You just have to get on with your life unless you are privileged and can afford paid staff OR have a partner who panders to you.

OP sooner or later this will affect your MH. Give him a metaphorical kick up the ar3e. Personally I would leave. I detest entitled people who think they’re special, that their MH is different from anyone else’s. He needs to get himself for counselling or medication or both but it is not your responsibility. If he wants to live in a pit then let him do it alone. Move on with your own life. You are way too young for this sh*t.

Google the magic coffee table and the magic washing basket.

You will find your answer.

End it now OP, it won't get better while we he's happy for you to do the lion's share. I stupidly went on to get married and have a baby with a man like this with MH Issues and lack of interest in learning the basics of cooking, cleaning/ domestic House stuff. I left with a baby and carriers as once rue baby arrived, everything magnified and looking after 2 children after having a section simply was more than I could handle physically and mentally. Note, he was also kind, loving and great in many other ways but this isn't enough when you're feeling like a complete mug or living in filth when you inevitably go on strike.

Don't make my mistake OP. You're so young and have a future ahead of you.

There's nothing kind of loving about being idle while your partner runs themselves into the ground creating a decent living environment. Nothing at all.

You're not being negative you're expecting him to behave like an adult. Your man is exploiting your emotions to guilt you into lowering your expectations of him

Having poor mental health has no bearing on him doing chores, particularly as he was like this prior to having mh issues. He’s lazy, pure and simple.

Have you had a conversation with him about why he doesn't think he should have to do any housework? I'm curious to know what his reasoning is?

Have a lovely time with your friend. Don't have kids with him. Don't do household or wifework for him and make sure your care for him is reciprocated or this is a job not a relationship.