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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband has changed so much since we met...

62 replies

debsadoos123 · 08/08/2020 08:20

Hi there, I'm so torn about my future and where to go next in my marriage that I've decided to try and put it down into words and hopefully get some advice. My husband and I met 12 years ago and have been married for 9. Second time round for us both. He has two adult boys and my son is 15.
Husband is 10 years older than me and has now semi retired from his career, now working part time.
My biggest issue I have is with his attitude towards my son. He's constantly barking orders at him, talking at him and when I am not around he can be so patronising and belittling towards him. My son has never given us a day's trouble, this isn't me thinking I've the best child in the world btw but honestly he's an all round good lad. My son has confided to me that this behaviour towards him is really having an affect on his confidence. He already struggles with this due to years of bullying at school.
Two years ago my husband and I split up and one of the reasons was because of how he spoke to my son. After 6 month's apart and promises to change we decided to give things another go. I now feel like I am regretting ever going back.
Now he's even started to be constantly snappy with me, muttering under his breath, talking to me like I am a child and always moaning and quite depressing to be around.
Another issue I have with him is that he is constantly cleaning the house. Even if I have been on a day off and say spent the morning sorting housework he will come home and won't even take his coat off before he's got the hoover out. When I explain that it has already been done he just carries on. If I think sod it and leave it then I can tell he's annoyed when he gets home.. I can't win!
I really hope this post is making sense, I don't want to go on too long but there are lots of other examples I could give. He's just not the man I thought he was when we married and I am just so confused over what to do. Thank you for reading if you go this far!

OP posts:

Longsight2019 · 08/08/2020 08:26

Sounds awful. If you don’t make a major change here you’re heading for retirement with this control freak. He sounds nasty.

Protect your son.

TwentyViginti · 08/08/2020 08:27

You split up before - you need to do it again and STAY split. He'll only get worse. Think of life with this overbearing, nasty, housework-obsessed man in full retirement!

Plus, he's badly affecting your son. This can cause ongoing MH problems.

sunflowertulips · 08/08/2020 08:28

Sadly, it seems like neither of you are happy ....even after a break from each other.

From experience, all I can suggest is to knock it on the head and live you best life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/08/2020 08:28

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Plan your exit from this marriage and seek legal advice re separation and divorce. This is who he really is; an abusive individual who detests your son and someone who is emotionally abusive towards you.

Your mistake here was going back to him two years ago; this was really over then. Your H continues to bully your son and he is a crap example of a stepfather to him. It sounds like your H won you over then by promises to change; that was only said by him to keep you with him. Words are cheap, its actions that count and my guess too that once you had returned he reverted to type.

Fightthebear · 08/08/2020 08:29

I think you need to prioritise your son but it doesn’t sound as if the relationship is great for you either

LatteLover12 · 08/08/2020 08:29

Imagine living like this for another 20/30 years OP.

How does your son feel about him? I think if your DP is snapping at him and belittling him then it's your job to protect him from that, especially in his own home.

Make the split and this time stick to it!

waitingforachange · 08/08/2020 08:33

Just leave and with some proper time and space you will be so grateful that you did.

He sounds awful. The way he's treating your son is unacceptable and your DS has told you it's damaging his confidence. If that not a reason to leave I don't know what is.

The hoover thing makes him sound like a passive aggressive controlling knob. I'm sure you have many more examples as I know the type...you will both be so much happier without him.

Lordamighty · 08/08/2020 08:37

How old is he? The behaviour with the hoover doesn’t sound normal.

Original poster

debsadoos123 · 08/08/2020 08:39

Thank you for your replies. I really don't know where I'd stand legally regarding divorce and financial settlement. He bought the house and pays the majority of the bills whereas I pay for holidays etc. As suggested, I think getting some kind of legal advice is probably my best way forward. This all feels so overwhelming as I lost my mum at Christmas and she was the one person whom I could trust to give me advice and support. I am still grieving her loss and this feels even worse now these huge cracks are unable to ignore.

OP posts:

sitckmansladylove · 08/08/2020 08:40

I would make plans to leave soon. Let ds know so he knows why. Too don't need to live like this.

Original poster

debsadoos123 · 08/08/2020 08:45

Husband is 55. He's always been into keeping the house clean etc as I am but it's the look on his face whilst he's whizzing the hoover round almost in rage.

OP posts:

Buggedandconfused · 08/08/2020 08:49

You have to prioritise your son.

Get some legal advice re: finances if you split - you may be entitled to benefits and be ok on your own.

This is no life for you and the emotional damage done to your son will be long lasting.

sitckmansladylove · 08/08/2020 09:17

Can you speak to him tonight? Where could you live if you separate?

crystalize · 08/08/2020 09:26

Your poor son being bullied by him and at school. Your husband's influence has caused your son to have low self esteem and confidence issues. Get rid of this nasty bastard asap.

Elmer83 · 08/08/2020 09:34

Massive hugs to you. Sounds like your husband is a bully and possibly a very unhappy man so wants to control/hurt you and your son. It must be so hard for you, especially without your mum and I bet you feel like your walking on egg shells some days.
I think you need to leave him and focus on your own happiness with your son. Big hugs xx

JudyGemstone · 08/08/2020 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

squanderedcore · 08/08/2020 09:58

Poor you op, this sounds utterly miserable for you and your son. The muttering to himself and hoovering with his coat on sounds like it could be some sort of mh issue (as well OCD I mean) or at the very least an extreme need to be in control. Is he depressed or anxious in other ways? Would he be open to speaking to the GP (whether or not you decide to stay I mean)? What reasons did he give for his behaviour when you split the first time? Were mh issues raised then? Did he take any steps to help himself, like taking medication?

Also, I know your main worry is (very understandably) your son, but remember that you are entitled to a life free of misery and passive aggressive criticism too.

LilyWater · 08/08/2020 10:17

Every single time your husband barks at or otherwise mistreats your son you need to tell him firmly, in front of your son too, that his behaviour is unacceptable and there's nothing wrong with what your son is doing. Mark my words, I know as a child growing up in a troubled household, this WILL affect your son's relationship with you in the future if you continue putting this man above him. This man feels so confident in continuing what he's doing as you're not doing enough to combat it. No wonder the poor lad has low confidence. Bullying etc in these contexts are also big risk factors for bad mental health. Does your son have a dad in his life he could live with instead?

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2020 10:20

You're married so the fact that he bought the house doesn't necessarily mean that it's solely his.

Get legal advice asap and start making plans.

user1294625849274 · 08/08/2020 10:23

This is abuse. It is normal for abuse to escalate or only become overt once the abuser feels confident you are trapped, e.g. Due to marriage, pregnancy, or because you left once but came back (from their point of view that means they can get away with anything because you'll stay).

Women's Aid can offer support. Please give them a call. 0808 2000 247

And have a look at the Freedom Programme course too. They can help you make sense of this.

Please please don't force your son to continue living with someone who is abusing him. Please.

LilyWater · 08/08/2020 10:24

The other thing is you need to make clear to your son that he should be standing up against this man when you're not there. Poor lad is probably trying to keep the peace for your sake as he can see that you want to stay with this man so when all the bullying and belittling etc happens behind your back he's keeping his mouth shut/not contesting as he should. Putting up with this is absolutely crippling to self esteem so YOU need to make clear to your son that his needs for a peaceful non bullying environment are not any less important than your desires to keep this man in your life, therefore he should be telling your husband each time it happens, that his behaviour is unacceptable and to stop doing it to him.

ravenmum · 08/08/2020 10:29

Your son needs his mum to support him now, just like your mum would have done for you. Do what your heart is telling you.

LilyWater · 08/08/2020 10:39

OP please arrange counselling for your son (speak to school or GP) this is a LOT for a young person to go through, bullying both in his safe haven at home and bullying at school, he needs a person outside of all of this to talk to and confide in as he will be struggling so much internally and be very unhappy even if he may appear to be coping on the outside. These experiences as a child affect the rest of your life

Pinkdelight3 · 08/08/2020 10:45

After 6 month's apart and promises to change we decided to give things another go.

This is the bottom line. The promises to change haven't worked out, as they so often don't, and so the consequence has to be splitting up for good. It's hard, but sounds like both of you will be happier that way, and your DS even more so. Where did you go last time you split up? House/finances can be sorted. As pp said, you're married so it's all shared, not his by any stretch. Talk to a solicitor, make plans, have the difficult conversations. It will be worth it.

BertiesLanding · 08/08/2020 10:48

Leave him. He sounds thoroughly pissed off with himself and he's projecting that out on to your son and to you. There's nothing you can do for/about him - but you can move out and transform you and your son's lives.

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