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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has changed so much since we met...

62 replies

debsadoos123 · 08/08/2020 08:20

Hi there, I'm so torn about my future and where to go next in my marriage that I've decided to try and put it down into words and hopefully get some advice. My husband and I met 12 years ago and have been married for 9. Second time round for us both. He has two adult boys and my son is 15.
Husband is 10 years older than me and has now semi retired from his career, now working part time.
My biggest issue I have is with his attitude towards my son. He's constantly barking orders at him, talking at him and when I am not around he can be so patronising and belittling towards him. My son has never given us a day's trouble, this isn't me thinking I've the best child in the world btw but honestly he's an all round good lad. My son has confided to me that this behaviour towards him is really having an affect on his confidence. He already struggles with this due to years of bullying at school.
Two years ago my husband and I split up and one of the reasons was because of how he spoke to my son. After 6 month's apart and promises to change we decided to give things another go. I now feel like I am regretting ever going back.
Now he's even started to be constantly snappy with me, muttering under his breath, talking to me like I am a child and always moaning and quite depressing to be around.
Another issue I have with him is that he is constantly cleaning the house. Even if I have been on a day off and say spent the morning sorting housework he will come home and won't even take his coat off before he's got the hoover out. When I explain that it has already been done he just carries on. If I think sod it and leave it then I can tell he's annoyed when he gets home.. I can't win!
I really hope this post is making sense, I don't want to go on too long but there are lots of other examples I could give. He's just not the man I thought he was when we married and I am just so confused over what to do. Thank you for reading if you go this far!

OP posts:
QualityFeet · 08/08/2020 10:50

God leave - where did he go for six months? Send him back!

user447624335 · 08/08/2020 10:58

DS ain't happy
You ain't happy
DH ain't happy
...go see a solicitor and start planning something that works better for you & DS
DH is an adult and can find a better place (or not) himself
Yeah, you hoped he would be nicer, he said he would, but, it turns out, he can't keep it up. Not really acting like he's super keen to stay married is he eh?
Look, lots of people get divorced, not the end of the world.

Tlollj · 08/08/2020 11:05

Protect your son. He has told you how he feels you need to put him first. Leave.

Original poster
debsadoos123 · 08/08/2020 11:13

Hi just catching up with replies. Not sure how to tag each person to each reply so will try and summarise. When we split up it was me that left. I rented a property for 6 months. He couldn't apologise enough and blamed outside pressures on his moods etc. I asked him to see his GP which he did and got a prescription for anti depressants. They are still in the cupboard and the box is full. He promised that he would find hobbies / activities away from the house so he had space and time doing his own thing. Again this never happened.

Ive always spoken up for my son against him and in the beginning he would slope off and not continue. Now he just argues and so I back down as my son gets upset.

Since my mum died my son and I have spent a lot of time with my dad as after 58 years of marriage he has been struggling to cope emotionally. We could stay there but it's not ideal as my son and I would have to share a bedroom.

After my husband has had one of his outbursts towards my son he will then almost guilt buy him something like a new t shirt for eg. My son has said he doesn't want gifts that are not bought out of love.

Ive always brought my son up to be respectful but he's slowly starting to retaliate and if I am honest I don't blame him!

OP posts:
Candyflosscookie · 08/08/2020 11:24

Time to split for good. Put your son first. You're married so get very good legal advice but don't put it off any longer. Each day is whittling away your son's happiness. And yours.

ravenmum · 08/08/2020 11:25

Your son sounds a smart young man. Maybe your husband is amping it up as he realises that your son is no longer an innocent little boy he can ppush around.
Get that financial/legal advice. Maybe staying with your dad would be a nice short-term, temporary solution for everyone?

Original poster
debsadoos123 · 08/08/2020 11:32

First thing Monday I will seek legal advice and begin to get my ducks in a row. I know it's down to me to make the break as he thinks he's sitting pretty. The house is in joint names as is the small mortgage left to pay.
What makes no sense is that everyone at work who knows him think he's wonderful. Makes me so sad knowing that we were not enough to make him happy.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 08/08/2020 11:35

Your husband is emotionally abusive to your son, and now is starting on you.

You need to leave, and not go back next time.

dreamingbohemian · 08/08/2020 11:38

He is abusing your son right in front of you. I'm glad you're seeking advice because honestly I don't understand why you are still there.

crimsonlake · 08/08/2020 11:52

He has actually been in your son's life a very long time so has he always been like this towards him.
Basically when you split the first time you should have stayed that way for the sake of your poor son. You could clearl see that your dh has not made any real effort to change and certainly did not begin his medication so I cannot fathom what possessed you to remain with him??
I think yours would be classed as a long marriage, I am assuming you jointly own your property?
It does not sound much of a life for anyone, but I feel really sorry for your son.

Gobbycop · 08/08/2020 12:06

Do what's right for your son, poor lad.

He shouldn't be getting treated like that.

Nicolastuffedone · 08/08/2020 12:08

That poor boy. Bullied at school and comes home to more bullying. My heart breaks for him, what a life......

ravenmum · 08/08/2020 12:10

Makes me so sad knowing that we were not enough to make him happy.
It isn't you that's not good enough! It's very obviously him.
Your son has no obligation whatsoever to make some random man happy.
And as long as he is unpleasant to you, neither do you.

BurtsBeesKnees · 08/08/2020 12:21

Life is too short OP, it won't be long before your ds is an adult, make the most of now. Financially you'll be fine, regardless of who has paid for what and what is in who's name, everything goes into the pot, including your dh pension. Glad to hear you're seeking legal advice.

LannieDuck · 08/08/2020 13:11

You're not happy, and your son isn't happy. That's enough, OP. You don't need anymore reason than that.

cakeandchampagne · 08/08/2020 13:26

He is abusing your son.
Get your son out of this situation immediately.

SandyY2K · 08/08/2020 14:13

Have you posted about this before? It sounds familiar and I remember the OP being advised not to go back to him...

This is damaging to your son and your really need to get him away from this, as itwill have long lasting effects in your subs future.

MaeDanvers · 08/08/2020 14:41

I think you’re right to start getting your ducks in a row. It’s great your son was able to come to you and speak out on what an effect this is having on him, it takes courage to do that. I think your son must now be your priority. You’ve seen now that even leaving your husband hasn’t worked to change the situation for the better and it’s unfair to expect your son to continue to take these
blows to his confidence. Especially given he already experienced bullying at school.

I expect both of you will be much happier when you haven’t got this man dragging you down. Flowers

Sugartitties · 08/08/2020 15:17

your job is to protect your son, do it.

Eddielzzard · 08/08/2020 15:20

Everyone at his work thinks he's lovely because he puts on an act for them. You see the real him at home.

If you've cleaned all morning and he starts hoovering with a face of thunder as soon as he gets back, logically, reasonably you KNOW it's nothing to do with you. He's got some issues around worthiness and always having to do something.

Whatever the reason for his behaviour, your DS is paying a very high price. He's being bullied in his own home and it's up to you now to protect him.

Get the fuck out to your Dad's, look for something to rent and go from there.

He promised to change, he hasn't, he never will because THIS is who he is. And it's not good enough.

PatchworkElmer · 08/08/2020 15:26

You’re doing the right thing, OP. Hope you’re able to get the ball rolling on Monday.

backseatcookers · 08/08/2020 15:30

Your poor son, being bullied in his own home and at school, the sheer relief he must have felt when you left this dickhead, so home could be a respite from being bullied 24/7. And then the crushing sense of despair he must have had when you moved him back in with the same bully.

I'm so sorry for your loss, it's terrible you've lost your mother. If it helps you take action then think how desperately sad she would be to know her grandson is living with someone who bullies him, he must feel so vulnerable and unprotected.

You need to end this relationship quickly and permanently. And sit down with your son and explain to him that getting back together was a decision you now see was wrong and you regret it but want to put it right.

Do nice things together with DS when you're out of the relationship to build up his trust and sense of security again.

MintyCedric · 08/08/2020 15:33

The hoover thing makes him sound like a passive aggressive controlling knob

My XH did this, among many other things...I would say that's a very accurate description.

OP you may think that others see him as wonderful but its entirely possible they see through him but don't say anything out of politeness.

I thought I would lose out entire friendship group for the same reason when I left XH. Instead I had countless people we knew telling me they'd noticed his behaviour and I'd done the right thing.

It came as quite a surprise.

InspectorGoul · 08/08/2020 16:50

I have not read the full thread but i am so familiar with the aggressive hoovering!

You know it's not about the hoovering right? It's about control. You have to get away from him as I have been here and he is currently at the thin end of a massive wedge as regards behaviour and he already has you obsessively cleaning to keep him happy. You can;t keep him happy. No-one can keep him happy. He is what he is. A nasty controlling horrible bully. Your son has sent you the strongest possible signal. Act on it. Get advice and separate using lawyers. You will both be able to breathe again one day but not until you are away from this. It took me two years to start to feel like me again when I got away from my 'hoovering as a weapon' tosser.! Flowers

workhomesleeprepeat · 08/08/2020 17:26

Its not your job to make him happy OP. And I know you think everyone things he is great - but do they actually know him? No.

The only opinions you should care about are your son's and your own. No one else matters really. Hope you can get out of this asap, for your son's sake.

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