My husband has changed so much since we met...

[debsadoos123]

Hi there, I'm so torn about my future and where to go next in my marriage that I've decided to try and put it down into words and hopefully get some advice. My husband and I met 12 years ago and have been married for 9. Second time round for us both. He has two adult boys and my son is 15.
Husband is 10 years older than me and has now semi retired from his career, now working part time.
My biggest issue I have is with his attitude towards my son. He's constantly barking orders at him, talking at him and when I am not around he can be so patronising and belittling towards him. My son has never given us a day's trouble, this isn't me thinking I've the best child in the world btw but honestly he's an all round good lad. My son has confided to me that this behaviour towards him is really having an affect on his confidence. He already struggles with this due to years of bullying at school.
Two years ago my husband and I split up and one of the reasons was because of how he spoke to my son. After 6 month's apart and promises to change we decided to give things another go. I now feel like I am regretting ever going back.
Now he's even started to be constantly snappy with me, muttering under his breath, talking to me like I am a child and always moaning and quite depressing to be around.
Another issue I have with him is that he is constantly cleaning the house. Even if I have been on a day off and say spent the morning sorting housework he will come home and won't even take his coat off before he's got the hoover out. When I explain that it has already been done he just carries on. If I think sod it and leave it then I can tell he's annoyed when he gets home.. I can't win!
I really hope this post is making sense, I don't want to go on too long but there are lots of other examples I could give. He's just not the man I thought he was when we married and I am just so confused over what to do. Thank you for reading if you go this far!

Please put your poor son first and leave this miserable bully. Nothing you do will ever be good enough, he wants to be a miserable git so leave him to get on with it and have a good relationship with your son. Definitely get legal advice as I’m sure he won’t be pleasant to divorce.

What makes no sense is that everyone at work who knows him think he's wonderful.

Actually, it makes perfect sense and is normal for abusers because it means:

• if you tell anyone or ask for help they are unlikely to believe you;
• you are isolated from sources of support;
• people will chip away at you for leaving, "oh but he's so lovely, how could you...";
• he has a reduced chance of facing consequences for his abuse;
• if he does face consequences people will leap to his defence which will vastly reduce the impact on him; and
• people like and trust him enough to get close enough for him to abuse them.

All the promises and rubbish about depression and hobbies was just to lure you back into the trap. As soon as he had control of you again he dropped it. They always do. It is literally textbook.

In terms of his so-called depression, all an abuser has to do is look up the symptoms and recite them to the GP and hey presto, they now have another weight to make you feel you have to stay. A GP assessment for depression is at most ten minutes, by a generalist, who may simply hand someone a questionnaire. It does not require any great acting ability to obtain anti-depressants from a GP if it suits his game plan.

Coercive control is not a symptom of depression.

Just popping back on to read replies. It's crazy to say but I'm actually the one on antidepressants now.

@debsadoos123, seconding what @user447624335 said. My stbxh got away with so much atrocious behaviour towards me by pulling that "I'm depressed" shit, when in fact, as with you, I was the one on antidepressants long term (and at no point did my depression cause me to abuse another person). I am VERY familiar with the furious vacuuming - it was shorthand for letting me know what a crappy housewife I was.

He has control issues.

These are probably useful at work, so nobody will be complaining. I bet they just think he's very organised and keeps everyone up to scratch (which is fine in a workplace, not so much in a relationship). He won't take pills because then he's not in control of his behaviour, as he sees it.

It's all about control.

I honestly think a lot of late middle aged men go totally whacko and become very controlling, but often in quite subtle ways.--the 'you don't want to do that' kind of mentality and especially if they suspect/feel you are pulling away from them.

They certainly don’t seem to improve with age. I definitely agree that it’s very much in a controller’s interests to be Mr Nice Guy in the rest of his life.

I just think that they reach fifty and turn into their father. Even if they HATED their dad, that is who they become. It's like they can't help themselves. They turn into patronising control freaks like it's all they've ever known (assuming their dad was a patronising control freak) and like they've never known any other way of being.

It's strange.

Please protect your son. This will shape him for the rest of his life. He needs to be put first. Both of you do as it doesn't sound healthy or happy for you either.

Hi just reading the most recent replies. Thanks to you all for your advice. Please rest assured that my son is my absolute priority and that we are making steps to leave and start afresh x

Prioritise your son. I don't think you will regret doing that, do you? If you're husband can't learn not to be a twat, then distance needs to be put between them. Your son needs to know that you are 100% on his side. This is bad example for him to grow up with.

My nephew grew up with one of these step father's. He belittled him, made him feel excluded, tried to ailianate him from his Mum. He died under a bench, alcohol poisoning at the age of 15.