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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is his behaviour towards sex normal

115 replies

Ocean23 · 06/08/2020 18:32

Hey I have already posted another thread about my current struggles so I’m sorry to start a new one. I’m just trying to process and understand MY issues with HIM and whether they are justified or whether I’m being a bitch basically. Just to start he has a way higher sex drive than me,,it has come to a point I have ZERO interest in it.
I feel like he his a little weird when it comes to sex or anything sex related eg my body.
Some of the issues I have, and I’ve told him, but he keeps doing it and huffing and puffing saying it’s cos he loves me and he wishes I would show him attention like this, so whenever I’m in the shower, changing, or anytime there is a chance of seeing a boob or vagina etc he is there...and I mean there. Like bending over to get the best view, he has to touch me when I’m in the shower EVERYTIME! I suppose the bending over to get a glimpse of down below is my worst issue I hate it, I feel like this is not normal behaviour! I find myself finding an opportunity to get changed etc as quick as I can before he realised just so I’m not being stared at. He is constantly making sexual comments all day every day and he gets annoyed at me when I don’t find it funny, especially when the kids are there, they are too young to understand but there will come a point they know what he’s meaning. He gets annoyed when my period arrives. He tells me when we’re having sex, for example I was called into work the other night and he got annoyed because he had planned that this night we were having so he informed me that it will have to be tomorrow then! I’ve found porn etc on his phone numerous times, him and the lads from work have a WhatsApp sharing picture of girls from the internet etc but I’ve got to a point I don’t even care about that anymore, I saw he was following some glamour models on Twitter a few years ago and it really upset me as I’m quite self conscious and he was really apologetic and said he’s unfollowed them. But there’s more on there now,,,again that don’t really bother me more the fact if it was the other way round I would know about it!! He’s constantly accusing me of cheating, I can’t like a male song on the radio because that means I fancy him, he says it in a joking way but he goes on and on....
when we do have sex, I can’t stand it. I don’t enjoy it, basically it’s lay on your back for a few pumps, turn onto your back for a few pumps, different position few pumps etc with a lot of fingers in between and really looking at me down there, I tell
Him I don’t like it as I feel like I’m being examined but it never changes. Another issue is I feel he takes advantage when I’ve had a lot to drink, on one occasion I had been spiked and luckily I was with my sister in law who managed to get me home she said I couldn’t walk or talk (I totally blacked out) but remember flashes when I got home. I was being sick in the bath...obviously I didn’t know what I was doing. But then he came in and must have initiated sex because I remember little bits, including anal which he knows I hate. I woke up in the morning with the sick still in the bath feeling like I was literally dying! Another time when I had a sickness bug but because he hadn’t had it for about a week at this point he guilt tripped me into it even though I was throwing up all day. Recently he had been out with his friends and came home really drunk, we had words in bed about things and then I pretended to go to sleep because I couldn’t face arguing at stupid o clock in the morning. He thought I was asleep and he tried to put his hands down my pants and put his fingers in me,,I pushed him away. There’s probably more but I just think is it me being horrible or is this normal. What would you do in my shoes. TIA x

OP posts:
Fightthebear · 10/08/2020 07:18

It’s about consent op.

He clearly doesn’t understand wives have to consent to every single thing to do with their bodies. Getting married doesn’t mean you’re his sexual property.

Very best of luck to you in getting yourself out of there. Could you reconsider going back to your family. I know you said you couldn’t bear to tell them things, but you don’t have to disclose more information than you want to.

bbee12 · 11/08/2020 16:34

Please try and leave. I am so sorry all this is happening, you have told him no, that should be enough. It is abusive and him waiting for you to be blackout drunk to have sex is rape.

I'm wishing you all the best and hope you're okayFlowers

TwangBadge · 11/08/2020 17:23

I agree that he needs to be in prison. What a psycho!!!

ShebaShimmyShake · 13/08/2020 07:03

It's not because he loves you, and yes it is wrong. He is a rapist and he belongs in prison.

Shizzlestix · 13/08/2020 13:02

I hope you get out soon, OP, this sounds horrific.

threesecrets · 13/08/2020 22:04

This is not nice.

Ocean23 · 15/08/2020 09:24

I’m just really confused. He has been ok the past couple of weeks, a lot calmer than usual which makes it harder to feel this way. I went away with friends for the night, then the night after I was home but exhausted from my girly break, so went to bed early then I’ve worked 3 consecutive nights so he hasn’t had sex for maybe just over a week and he is actually being ok about it which is really weird, usually he would be getting angry about it and guilt tripping me. I 100% feel like my marriage is over and I do feel like I want to be on my own with the kids, but I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I need to wait for the right time to do it. I appreciate everyone’s advice and support xxx

OP posts:
Thatnameistaken · 15/08/2020 10:02

Use this quiet time to prepare for leaving. Others here can give you a list of important documents that you need to gather somewhere safe and what your entitlements will be.
Reading about him really makes my skin crawl, I can't imagine how it must be for you Flowers

LittleRed53 · 15/08/2020 13:28

You've been dealing with some horrific abuse, OP Sad I'm glad you've got plans forming to get out of there.

I wouldn't read into his recent better behaviour. It in no way negates what came before- and it's not like he's had a serious chat with you where he's acknowledged what was wrong with his previous behaviour, recognized it's awful and put in place steps to change etc. It could be he senses you've had enough, so is trying to act nice to make you second guess yourself, or change your mind. It's awful to say this but it could also be he's started an affair, hence doesn't 'need' sex from you ATM. I don't know if that would be devastating or actually a form of relief for you if that were the case.

It troubled me how uncertain you've sounded in some of your posts. It truly sounds to me like he gaslights you (if you don't know what that is, Google it. I think you'll be amazed at how it will make sense of your experience with him).

Love does not mean doing what you want, when you want, to someone. Love is when you consider the other person's needs and feelings, when you want to protect that person and make them happy. Him saying he does these things because he loves you is simply not true. He is doing it because it's what he wants, and he knows your confrontation-avoiding, peace keeping personality is one he can take advantage of.

I hope your plans to leave come together quickly. In the meantime, do NOT doubt yourself. You know what you've experienced, and how it made you feel, how it still makes you feel when you remember it. That is real, it is true, and it is completely justified.

Ocean23 · 16/08/2020 12:02

I know I will be so much more happier when I leave and I know the kids will sense that. It’s just easier said than done. I’m really struggling with him today, literally everything he says is made into something sexual, anytime he comes near me he’s touching some part of me, he’s already told me tonight he wants sex and then got annoyed at me because I said I didn’t want him to go down on me when he told me that was also happening, partly because I just don’t want to do it and partly because I want to have some control of what happens, you know?

OP posts:
Thatnameistaken · 16/08/2020 12:24

Why not tell him no? Do you want sex with him? Like really want sex with him tonight?
Because it's your right to refuse, you don't have to accept his coercion, it's your body!

Please look at the freedom programme there is a better life out there for you without him.

Roguesausage · 16/08/2020 12:36

Just leave op. Just pack up when he's at work and go to your family.

footprintsintheslow · 16/08/2020 19:06

What's stopping you leave this week OP?

Ocean23 · 16/08/2020 20:46

I don’t know what’s stopping me, I’m scared I suppose. It’s a big life change and I think I need to get some money behind me before I do it. I want to have somewhere to go with the kids and make it as quick and easy as possible. I want to have a car in place and have money to make a house a home. I will have to rent as our house is contracted to a tenant until next year, then I plan on either buying him out or selling and buying a new house with money we made on that. I want to make sure I have a job to go back to, I guess I want to be completely ready and organised so I can just go

OP posts:
Roguesausage · 16/08/2020 21:36

Are you realistically in a position to save for a house and a car? If so, how long do you estimate it will take? How many weekly assaults will you have to suffer in that time?

I've been in your shoes. It was horrific. I would advise you to leave asap. Either go to family, woman's aid, the military, whatever, but physically get away from him. Houses and cars and money can be sorted later.

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