Is his behaviour towards sex normal

[Ocean23]

Hey I have already posted another thread about my current struggles so I’m sorry to start a new one. I’m just trying to process and understand MY issues with HIM and whether they are justified or whether I’m being a bitch basically. Just to start he has a way higher sex drive than me,,it has come to a point I have ZERO interest in it.
I feel like he his a little weird when it comes to sex or anything sex related eg my body.
Some of the issues I have, and I’ve told him, but he keeps doing it and huffing and puffing saying it’s cos he loves me and he wishes I would show him attention like this, so whenever I’m in the shower, changing, or anytime there is a chance of seeing a boob or vagina etc he is there...and I mean there. Like bending over to get the best view, he has to touch me when I’m in the shower EVERYTIME! I suppose the bending over to get a glimpse of down below is my worst issue I hate it, I feel like this is not normal behaviour! I find myself finding an opportunity to get changed etc as quick as I can before he realised just so I’m not being stared at. He is constantly making sexual comments all day every day and he gets annoyed at me when I don’t find it funny, especially when the kids are there, they are too young to understand but there will come a point they know what he’s meaning. He gets annoyed when my period arrives. He tells me when we’re having sex, for example I was called into work the other night and he got annoyed because he had planned that this night we were having so he informed me that it will have to be tomorrow then! I’ve found porn etc on his phone numerous times, him and the lads from work have a WhatsApp sharing picture of girls from the internet etc but I’ve got to a point I don’t even care about that anymore, I saw he was following some glamour models on Twitter a few years ago and it really upset me as I’m quite self conscious and he was really apologetic and said he’s unfollowed them. But there’s more on there now,,,again that don’t really bother me more the fact if it was the other way round I would know about it!! He’s constantly accusing me of cheating, I can’t like a male song on the radio because that means I fancy him, he says it in a joking way but he goes on and on....
when we do have sex, I can’t stand it. I don’t enjoy it, basically it’s lay on your back for a few pumps, turn onto your back for a few pumps, different position few pumps etc with a lot of fingers in between and really looking at me down there, I tell
Him I don’t like it as I feel like I’m being examined but it never changes. Another issue is I feel he takes advantage when I’ve had a lot to drink, on one occasion I had been spiked and luckily I was with my sister in law who managed to get me home she said I couldn’t walk or talk (I totally blacked out) but remember flashes when I got home. I was being sick in the bath...obviously I didn’t know what I was doing. But then he came in and must have initiated sex because I remember little bits, including anal which he knows I hate. I woke up in the morning with the sick still in the bath feeling like I was literally dying! Another time when I had a sickness bug but because he hadn’t had it for about a week at this point he guilt tripped me into it even though I was throwing up all day. Recently he had been out with his friends and came home really drunk, we had words in bed about things and then I pretended to go to sleep because I couldn’t face arguing at stupid o clock in the morning. He thought I was asleep and he tried to put his hands down my pants and put his fingers in me,,I pushed him away. There’s probably more but I just think is it me being horrible or is this normal. What would you do in my shoes. TIA x

Please somehow get rid- your mental health will go to bits— oh and tell him why and I you aren’t boring, frigid, or any other insult he might think of

Have looked at both your posts, OP.
I am sorry that this has happened to you.

I can relate to much of what you have shared. Please don't underestimate the psychological manipulation that you have been subjected to. Do you wonder if all this is normal because that's what he tells you? Do you refer to yourself in negative terms because he does? I know it is hard when your sense of "normal" has been badly skewed for a long time.

Please get some help from a domestic abuse agency. They will help you to leave safely and to recover.

I saw this on line relating specifically to forces: www.gov.uk/government/publications/armed-forces-domestic-abuse-where-to-get-help/armed-forces-domestic-abuse-where-to-get-help

I'm so sorry to hear how awful he is. You could contact RapeCrisis (don't let the name put you off if you think what happened isn't 'bad enough'. (it is but I know how hard it can be to accept)). They were really helpful when I was trying to understand what had happened to me.

Ocean that is one of the most awful things I've ever read. Please seek help in RL you and your babies deserve so much more than this x

@IWantT0BreakFree They said 'to stay with him would be crazy' i.e they weren't saying OP was crazy, they were saying that future course of action would be crazy, as in not the best thing to do/irrational.

I feel sick reading this. Op please get yourselves out

Oh OP, this is awful, hopefully you'll be in a position to leave this awful man very soon

A few months ago I confide in 2 friends and told them I wanted to leave him and the reasons why, the spiked incident being one, and although they were shocked and a little disgusted, rape was never mentioned and it didn’t seem that big of a deal to them either, which is why I’m so confused about the situation

He raped you on more than one occasion. Maybe your friends were too shocked to say this or didn't want to upset you. Can you speak to women's aid or a similar charity? He's abusive

Friends - and sometimes family - have a nasty habit of minimising things. People, on the whole, don't like change.

They especially don't like being confronted with unpalatable truths - like their friend's husband being an abusive man and a rapist. Perhaps they've socialised with you both together. Perhaps their husbands think he's a "good bloke". Either way, when they are told that he's a rapist, it means they have to admit that they've been socialising - and maybe even enjoyed the company of - someone like that.

People think that they'll be tainted by association. It's far easier for them to bury their heads in the sand, to not have their comfortable social circles disrupted, and to tell themselves that you must be exaggerating and over-reacting.

Darling, their opinions do not matter. YOURS is the only one that does, because you are the one in the marriage having to deal with being abused and raped. You know he's hurting you. You know it's wrong and you know you aren't happy. All of those are bloody good reasons to leave. Don't let what other people may or may not think, stop you.

@Ocean23

A few months ago I confide in 2 friends and told them I wanted to leave him and the reasons why, the spiked incident being one, and although they were shocked and a little disgusted, rape was never mentioned and it didn’t seem that big of a deal to them either, which is why I’m so confused about the situation

But close friends are not going to use words such a rape to talk about that friends husband. It just doesn’t happen unless you maybe had packed bags in your hands and the police at the door. We hear so often about couples separating and the friend bad mouthing the husband, then when they get back together the friend is side lined for wrong think.

So don’t let your friends reactions confuse you. They are too close to the situation. We as strangers are completely unbiased and we are able to tell you the truth.

It isn't normal it is disgusting. If you enjoyed this behaviour and actively sought it out then fine but you've made it clear you don't like it so it's not consensual.
He doesn't understand no so see if he understands divorce.

Like others have said there’s various reasons your friends didn’t give you the right support. None of those reasons are because you are wrong. You are not. He is. please get help and advice on how to leave and protect yourself in the interim. I realise you’re overseas but the National Domestic Abuse helpline will help
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
08082000247

Ocean

Friends can be over invested as the other respondents have stated; MN posters have no such bias. Abuse like you describe thrives on secrecy and you have taken a small but significant step by writing about this on here.

Is SSAFA present on the base; if so I would urge you to contact them as well.

Re your comment:-
" I feel like a coward and an idiot but I don’t like to upset people and I don’t like confrontation. I’m scared of change and I’m scared I will eventually get with someone worse"

I would also urge you in the longer term to have counselling to get to the heart as to why you think this with an aim to unlearning it. How did such a mindset start (parents?), what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Um I had a confusing childhood. My dad left while my mum was pregnant then decided he wanted a relationship with me when I was 8, he had a new baby who unfortunately died at 7months old and I suppose his way of grieving was to cut all contact with me which made me feel like my brothers death was some how my fault. Meanwhile from being around 2-10 years old my mum was in an abusive relationship of which I was exposed to, physical abuse and looking back I suppose he severely emotionally abused her too, there was times he was an ass to me too as a child. After that When I was 15, my mum then started a new relationship with a complete monster, he was a disgusting person who really emotionally abused her, after a few years he hit her and she left but he continued to stalk her and threaten her and me. So I have had bad experiences ...

The advice on here has been spot on. And it sounds like you have had a turbulent childhood yourself OP, and it is clear you recognise that this isn't normal behaviour from your husband and that as the children get older it is going to have an impact on them as they see/pick up on behaviours here and there.

It's a really big step you've taken to even post about this, as I know seeing it written down must have been hard for you. And seeing people's replies also. His behaviour isn't just abnormal, but abusive.

Completely second the advice on here about contacting Women's Aid/Rape Crisis and finding a way to get you and your little ones safely away from your husband.

Sending love

@Ocean23

I'm so so sorry.

You've had excellent advice. This is a truly terrible situation, that's not your fault, but you absolutely need to leave.

Your update on your childhood is 💔 you've suffered from a lack of security your whole life but there is support out there to create a new life. X

Nothing about this is normal or even legal OP. He's a complete abuser.

my ExH was like this. I used to hate getting changed in front of him and would avoid it as best as I could. I stopped buying sexy lingerie just to avoid the whole thing. I hated the sex- it hurt and he repulsed me. Sex was always on his mind and he kept telling me it's the key to my happiness. If he was satisfied sexually then I'll get everything I ever wanted and he'll make me happy.

I left him. He used sex as a weapon and was coercive

How are you today? I’m guessing you’ve had a lot to think about.

Is there a Hive on your base? If they’re open, go in and have a chat. If you find you can’t talk about it, show them what you have written here. Please get help, it’s there. xx

I’m sorry to hear you are in such a bad situation. It is rape no doubt about it.

My drink was spiked, my husband got me home, cleared up the vomit everywhere and left me on the bathroom floor (as it is easier to clean) with a pillow and a duvet whilst he stayed next to me all night. That’s what a normal person does when their loved one is out of it. Having been so out of it And feeling violated anyway from someone drugging me, I can’t even begin to understand how you felt when your relished someone who should have been looking after you and protecting you when you were so vulnerable, had actually raped you.

You need to get the hell away from him.

Not having sex is the death knell to a relationship, but he sounds just awful. No wonder you don't want it! I feel sad for you, as you deserve much more than this perv

Nothing turns me off quicker than a guy who is desperate for sex all the time!
He sounds vile and made me feel sick just reading your post.

Are there any good points to him?
From your post I could not be with this person at all and I’m surprised you are still with him.
I agree with everything everyone else has said.

How are you doing @Ocean23? Have been thinking about you, hope you are alright.

Hi, I’m ok. Nothing has changed. I am definitely going to leave. This will probably take a few months at least to get everything sorted. Sometimes I wonder if it’s me, am I just being a bitch but I went out for a drink after work at the weekend and bumped into his friend who had obviously had a drink. He brought the topic of conversation up as to how he can’t believe I am my husbands wife as we are so different, people struggle with him at work because he just feels the world is against him and he is no negative all the time ( this is exactly true but I doubt myself sometimes) so it was good to hear it from someone else to reassure me it’s not me . Obviously this guy doesn’t know the half of it at home but like I said it reassured me that it’s not in my head. Just to add, this guy was in no way being a sleeze and coming onto me and using that as a weapon for me to fall into his arms lol. We were just all talking and enjoying the night! He’s just come in from work and the first thing he did was grab my boob, and then make a reference to my vagina 🙄 and I was like why? And he went on to say it’s cos I love you l, it’s not wrong you know, bla bla bla. Xx