Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is his behaviour towards sex normal

115 replies

Ocean23 · 06/08/2020 18:32

Hey I have already posted another thread about my current struggles so I’m sorry to start a new one. I’m just trying to process and understand MY issues with HIM and whether they are justified or whether I’m being a bitch basically. Just to start he has a way higher sex drive than me,,it has come to a point I have ZERO interest in it.
I feel like he his a little weird when it comes to sex or anything sex related eg my body.
Some of the issues I have, and I’ve told him, but he keeps doing it and huffing and puffing saying it’s cos he loves me and he wishes I would show him attention like this, so whenever I’m in the shower, changing, or anytime there is a chance of seeing a boob or vagina etc he is there...and I mean there. Like bending over to get the best view, he has to touch me when I’m in the shower EVERYTIME! I suppose the bending over to get a glimpse of down below is my worst issue I hate it, I feel like this is not normal behaviour! I find myself finding an opportunity to get changed etc as quick as I can before he realised just so I’m not being stared at. He is constantly making sexual comments all day every day and he gets annoyed at me when I don’t find it funny, especially when the kids are there, they are too young to understand but there will come a point they know what he’s meaning. He gets annoyed when my period arrives. He tells me when we’re having sex, for example I was called into work the other night and he got annoyed because he had planned that this night we were having so he informed me that it will have to be tomorrow then! I’ve found porn etc on his phone numerous times, him and the lads from work have a WhatsApp sharing picture of girls from the internet etc but I’ve got to a point I don’t even care about that anymore, I saw he was following some glamour models on Twitter a few years ago and it really upset me as I’m quite self conscious and he was really apologetic and said he’s unfollowed them. But there’s more on there now,,,again that don’t really bother me more the fact if it was the other way round I would know about it!! He’s constantly accusing me of cheating, I can’t like a male song on the radio because that means I fancy him, he says it in a joking way but he goes on and on....
when we do have sex, I can’t stand it. I don’t enjoy it, basically it’s lay on your back for a few pumps, turn onto your back for a few pumps, different position few pumps etc with a lot of fingers in between and really looking at me down there, I tell
Him I don’t like it as I feel like I’m being examined but it never changes. Another issue is I feel he takes advantage when I’ve had a lot to drink, on one occasion I had been spiked and luckily I was with my sister in law who managed to get me home she said I couldn’t walk or talk (I totally blacked out) but remember flashes when I got home. I was being sick in the bath...obviously I didn’t know what I was doing. But then he came in and must have initiated sex because I remember little bits, including anal which he knows I hate. I woke up in the morning with the sick still in the bath feeling like I was literally dying! Another time when I had a sickness bug but because he hadn’t had it for about a week at this point he guilt tripped me into it even though I was throwing up all day. Recently he had been out with his friends and came home really drunk, we had words in bed about things and then I pretended to go to sleep because I couldn’t face arguing at stupid o clock in the morning. He thought I was asleep and he tried to put his hands down my pants and put his fingers in me,,I pushed him away. There’s probably more but I just think is it me being horrible or is this normal. What would you do in my shoes. TIA x

OP posts:
Ocean23 · 06/08/2020 18:54

I know it’s not right on so many levels and I have struggled with what happened when I was spiked for many years, I tell myself any decent man would have put me in bed and made sure I didn’t choke on my vomit etc. He’s my husband, together for 12 years married 3, 3 children. Yes I suppose he has always been like this but I have only had one boyfriend before him and just thought different men are just different while knowing at the same time it isn’t right. The groping and looking probably wouldn’t bother me so much but it is constant, all day every day and I hate it. I really appreciate all of your replies xxx

OP posts:
Ocean23 · 06/08/2020 18:57

Any time I go out drinking with friends he comments on how he hopes I come in really drunk so he can have sex with me!
Housing wise we own a home jointly but he is military and we are currently overseas and renting our house out which the contract ends next august but I have been thinking I could just rent until we sell the house

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 06/08/2020 18:57

He's raping you OP.

He sounds terrifying..Please get away from him.

DianaT1969 · 06/08/2020 18:59

Have you got any plans to leave OP? If you don't intend to, I'd suggest putting some boundaries in place. Lock on bathroom door. Scream at him to move away. Separate beds. One day you'll be ready to leave.

IWantT0BreakFree · 06/08/2020 18:59

Oh, OP Flowers I'm sorry you are in this situation.

Your husband has anally raped you and you are being subjected to serious sexual abuse on a regular basis. Like so many other abusers, he has created this warped normality whereby you don't recognise the severity of his abuse. He is gaslighting you by telling you that his behaviour is that of a normal husband who is attracted to his wife. It's not. This is not a healthy relationship and he is a sex offender.

It might be helpful to try and look at the situation from the outside. Imagine that your sister/daughter/friend came to you and told you everything that you've written in your OP. Would you think that she was in a healthy relationship? What would your advice be to her?

Think about the night you were spiked. Your husband did to you exactly what the person who spiked you had presumably intended to do. He took advantage of the fact that you had been spiked to commit that same rape that they had intended to commit. That is just so heartbreaking. You had made it home from a dangerous situation and you should have been in safe hands with someone who could take care of you, but instead he carried out the very crime that your SIL had rescued you from.

You could try contacting Women's Aid as a starting point or a local women's charity. They will be able to guide you through your next steps. It would be completely justified for you to report him to the police for the multiple sexual assaults and the rape, although I understand that you may not feel ready for that. Women's Aid is a good starting point for support, whatever you choose to do.

Chloemol · 06/08/2020 18:59

No it’s not normal, yes he is abusing you, yes he is raping you

Pack your bags, get your documents and the kids and come home to family

Sort the rest out when you are back safely with family

pog100 · 06/08/2020 19:02

And are the comments enough to make you leave him because that's the only thing that will make it end.

Tappering · 06/08/2020 19:02

Pack your bags and get on the next flight back to the UK with the kids. Have you got family you could go to? Can you break the lease on the family home in the UK?

If he tries to stop you, tell him you will call his CO and tell them what's been going on and lodge a formal complaint with the MP. That should et him to back off enough so that you can leave the country. Once you are back in the UK, see a solicitor and get the ball rolling for a divorce. You can also get a CMS claim in and as he's military, they tend to be reasonably good about paying (again, due to the threat of their CO finding out).

GisAFag · 06/08/2020 19:04

Christ I'd be so put off.. Every time you get naked for whatever reason. Bloody creepy, late night channel 5 film weird

Ocean23 · 06/08/2020 19:05

I tried to leave before Christmas but as stupid as I am I didn’t want to hurt him I felt bad for him, I know I’m ridiculous. I feel like a coward and an idiot but I don’t like to upset people and I don’t like confrontation. I’m scared of change and I’m scared I will eventually get with someone worse. I know I want to leave him, I’ve been looking at houses to rent back home, I just didn’t know how or when I will be strong enough to do it

OP posts:
footprintsintheslow · 06/08/2020 19:06

So you need to make a plan. No need for me to repeat what everyone else is saying.

Practically speaking get yours and the children's passports hidden somewhere ASAP, as in right now.

What access do you have to money? Could you book flights without his knowledge?

Does he 'go to work' each day? You can get things done in that time.

qwertyuiop098 · 06/08/2020 19:06

This was really painful to read @Ocean23 I’m so sorry about your situation. Are the comments you’ve received the kind of thing you were expecting and what do you think you’ll do now?

SleepingStandingUp · 06/08/2020 19:06

please get help and leave

Closetbeanmuncher · 06/08/2020 19:07

The bit about him having sex with you while you were spiked gave me the chills.

The whole thing just has sex offender stamped allover it. End it ASAP.

Tappering · 06/08/2020 19:07

When you get back to the UK, sign up for the Freedom Programme. It's aimed at helping women not to get trapped in a cycle of abusive partners.

And every time you start to feel sorry for him, remember the fact that you have been upset and asked him not to do this, and he's ignored you. He doesn't care that he upsets you.

Hiddennameforever · 06/08/2020 19:07

I feel sick literally reading all this..

ThisLittleLady · 06/08/2020 19:08

Leave. He is a creep to say the least.

Closetbeanmuncher · 06/08/2020 19:10

I’m scared of change and I’m scared I will eventually get with someone worse

How could you possibly get any worse than this? There's no lower to go!

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 06/08/2020 19:12

He sounds like my exh. Once went on a night out and woke up to his fingers inside me checking for signs I had had sex.
Grim op.
Call the police. He is a rapist. And a very abusive man.
Imagine your dd was in such a relationship...

sadpapercourtesan · 06/08/2020 19:13

Do you have anyone in real life who could support you to leave, OP? Parents, siblings? Now is the time to call on anyone who would be on your side. I agree about calling Women's Aid as well, they will help you. Nothing about this man's behaviour is normal. He's abusing you.

TakeASadSong · 06/08/2020 19:13

I felt physically sick reading your OP. Get away from this man. He sounds absolutely disgusting, disrespectful and potentially dangerous.

HogglePoggle · 06/08/2020 19:15

Not one part of that is normal. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. There’s lots of good advice here but I just wanted to send you love and care. Nobody deserves that.

Iooselipssinkships · 06/08/2020 19:16

Echoing everyone else in saying that this is sexual abuse and rape. I too have been there and it will get worse. At first I tried telling myself it was normal and he just really fancied me but then after an argument or a disagreement he would end up on top of me with me pinned down. He watched a lot of porn too and only saw women as someone to serve his sexual needs. I even get the 'examining' issue, it's like they don't think you're actually attached to those body parts and they're just a play thing for them. Mine used to do some unthinkable things when I had taken a sleeping pill - I only knew because of the evidence he left after I thought I had discharge coming from the wrong place. At one point I was worried I had an illness like colon cancer or something and he sent my to the GP! He made the appointment! I only realised after I had masses of finger shaped bruises on my legs and these were because I am a complete dead weight when out of it, plus he admitted it eventually as if he was fucking proud. I'm sorry if I've been too crass but please don't stay with him, he has no respect or love for you because if he did he'd be holding your hair back and getting you a glass of water while you were sick, not taking full advantage to do something he knows you don't like doing. There is often a running theme I have found with these types and that is they are obsessed with anal sex, I know it's a normal kink absolutely and something I didn't even mind back then but it feels so much more than that with them.

Please take that step towards leaving OP because I know if someone like me could do it then you really can.

TwilightPeace · 06/08/2020 19:16

He’s a rapist, a vile disgusting perverted creep!
You need to find the strength to leave.
Stop worrying about hurting his feelings, he sure as hell doesn’t give a fuck about yours.
I hope you are Ok x

Ocean23 · 06/08/2020 19:20

Was I expecting these replies, yes and no. I knew deep it wasn’t normal behaviour but I think I’m struggling to accept it as rape even though I would consider it rape if it had happened to a friend etc I’m not a unintelligent person but I’m really doubting my intelligence in regards to all of this, I’m fully aware I sound like an idiot. I appreciate all of the support. I kind of have a plan I want to save a little money first before I do anything. I’m not asking for help from family members as I can’t bare the questions etc I will just do it and that will be that xx

OP posts: