Im female, he's gay, but is there something there?

[Magicra84]

I've become very close over a short time to a gay man. When we met we immediately hit it off. He's in his late 40s and has never been with a woman, but sometimes I think he could have feelings for me, but am I kidding myself?

I often catch him looking at me when he thinks I can't see. When I look back at him he looks away. He's very tactile with hugs and putting his arm on my shoulder etc but isn't at all with anyone else.

He texts me first thing every day. He's always the one to initiate the first text and I know he's not a big texter because other friends at work often say he doesn't reply to them but he always replies to me immediately. When we first met, he'd make up questions to ask me about work that I'm certain he knew the answer to and I'm sure it was just to talk to me. Now we text all day long about everything and anything.

He's very caring to me and goes out of his way to make sure I'm always ok. I grew closer to him in a few months than he was to the people in the small team he's managed for some time and they're all friendly. At work, he often calls me over to ask questions I know that he knows the answer to.

He's totally off dating men since a failed marriage left him heartbroken. He often says we should get married (I agree!) but of course I think he's joking. Out of the blue, very randomly, he often texts me saying how he's going to stay single forever because men are too much trouble. I'm often thinking wtf at the randomness of those messages but then I think he could be testing the waters?

He plans nights out for us and if I ask if we should invite close friends of both of us, he says no and says it's our date! He also regularly 'jokes' about us moving away and living together.

I know that he doesn't text and show anyone else the same attention as he shows me. I'm obviously on his mind a lot and he's certainly on mine. I've got massive feelings for him but he's been with men only for all of his life! I know sexuality isn't set in stone that a person is 100% gay but could it be that he does have feelings for me? Thank you 🙂

OP, I've had this. I was strung along for years by a man like this and I wasted a lot of time trying to understand his motives, crying and angsting, having fallen for him. I still don't, but I have realised there is no point even trying to - they were not going to be good. He was either on an ego trip, trying to cover up something else or potentially groom me for some sort of set up that would have benefited him. Lots of gay men marry women as it gives them more status and access to a higher position in society and certain jobs!

The penny started dropping when he'd lead me up the garden path and when I would respond, he would swiftly back off, and this would be repeated ad infinitum.

Even if he married you and you managed to have some sort of relationship, he will cheat on you as he is gay and that won't change. It is a fantasy to think it will. The fact that he is unavailable sexually is an exciting challenge, which is why you are so intrigued and flattered by him.

Do yourself a favour and cut your losses before it's too late. This won't end well.

If it's painful, tell him you have developed feelings for him and because you know these won't be reciprocated you need to step back. Then if by any chance he was on the same page he might be able to say. But assuming not, you free yourself from the pain by ripping the plaster off.

Mmmm we’ll have to agree to disagree here. It’s a subject close to my heart shall we say and I’ve read and listened to many people’s experiences extensively. I used to think as you do but now realise that a persons sexuality can be far more fluid. There’s no doubt that some can stay in the closet denying their truth which eventually becomes undeniable. For others, maybe a 5 on the Kinsey scale, might identify as gay or lesbian because their opposite sex attraction is so small. To all intents and purposes they are gay or lesbian. For this reason it’s wrong to say that gay or lesbians are alway gay or lesbian and that they can’t ‘come out’ at some point in their life as straight as it were, of course they were bi or pan sexual all along. It’s really not unheard of. I’m not saying this is the case with the OP’s gay friend. I’m just saying he’s told her he’s gay, which of course he may well be. He could however be confused to find that he is having the same sorts of feelings for a woman, that he’s previously only had for men.

I feel for you OP.

Twenty years ago, I started going out with my male best friend. 18 years and 2 DC later, he was finally ready to say that he might be gay.

He was my best friend and he really didn't want to be gay. I didn't realise that at the time. He loved me, but not in the way that I loved him. Of course, I just assumed we felt the same. But I was never enough for him.

It's only now that I have started seeing a straight man that I can look back and see the things that weren't quite right. I'm not alone in this experience. It is sadly way more common than people realise.

It's not impossible for a gay man to have a relationship with a woman. And sexuality can change over time (I have done a lot of reading on the subject). But even if he does feel differently about you than he does about any other woman, the fact that he identifies as gay tells me that it wouldn't work. My ex eventually told me that he was sexually attracted to boys from puberty and not interested in girls until he met me. We were best friends and he thought that was enough. He never told me about his attraction to men. I could never quite put my finger on what was wrong in my marriage, but a lot of things make sense now I know that he's gay: the way he treated me, his approach to compliments, our sex life.

You deserve someone who loves you fully. Everyone deserves that. My advice is to take a step back and gain some distance. Although friendship is a great basis for a relationship, there needs to be more on both sides. One partner cannot supply enough love and desire for both people in a relationship.

I'm sorry you're so upset. Take care and work on getting over him.

Sorry, I'm gay (female) and I had this with a male friend after he divorced. It made me realize that I sometimes think that because I'm same sex attracted that I don't have to observe the conventions of friendship, and I wasn't mindful of his feelings...

In the same way, I don't imagine straight women are open to a gay relationship, gay people simply aren't available for a straight relationship. Sorry OP

I had a gay friend like this, thought we were soulmates. It ended very unhappily. He thought he was in love with me but it couldn’t go anywhere as the physical side was just not happening, he couldn’t force himself to fancy me although I truly think he wanted to! It was great for a while but the fact I had feelings and needs he couldn’t ever fulfil meant that it was going nowhere and preventing me (and him) finding the right partner. We ended up having to force ourselves to spend time apart and slowly wean ourselves off each other. Much later...He’s married now, with a child. As am I. Love him dearly but glad it worked out like it did for both of us.

This is pretty normal behaviour for a close gay (male) friend. I've had a few and they've all acted this way with me. I don't think he's suddenly started to doubt his sexuality. Some men are just this way, and it's easier for a gay man to be cause they're not met with accusations of ulterior motives.

If you're not used to getting this kind of attention from someone of the opposite sex, I can see how it could be mistaken for attraction

I would advise you not to act on your feelings.

Can't you just say to him in a jokey sort of way "oh I do wish you weren't gay... I'd be asking you out..." and see what his response is

20 years ago I had a gay best friend like this. I did not know he was gay at first a he wasn't out. I made a right fool of myself quite frankly and when I look back at my 21 year old self I am embarrassed about the whole thing.
But I also think he shouldn't have behaved as he did and I think he was using me as cover. When he did eventually come out to me I was absolutely distraught and still convinced I could turn him. I had made such a mess of things in my life because of him before he came out to me I just couldn't let it end and continued with the friendship in the hope that maybe things would change.

He's gay. It doesn't matter how much he flirts and all the rest of it. He's gay. He's not interested in a sexual relationship with you. You need to put a stop to this before it negatively affects your life in other areas too.
Stop thinking something might change - it's obvious you do think this is you posted the same thing in May. Perhaps you believe he might be bi and therefore you have a chance but I think if that was true and there was anything to it, he would have made some kind of move by now. It's 3 months since then.