Im female, he's gay, but is there something there?

[Magicra84]

I've become very close over a short time to a gay man. When we met we immediately hit it off. He's in his late 40s and has never been with a woman, but sometimes I think he could have feelings for me, but am I kidding myself?

I often catch him looking at me when he thinks I can't see. When I look back at him he looks away. He's very tactile with hugs and putting his arm on my shoulder etc but isn't at all with anyone else.

He texts me first thing every day. He's always the one to initiate the first text and I know he's not a big texter because other friends at work often say he doesn't reply to them but he always replies to me immediately. When we first met, he'd make up questions to ask me about work that I'm certain he knew the answer to and I'm sure it was just to talk to me. Now we text all day long about everything and anything.

He's very caring to me and goes out of his way to make sure I'm always ok. I grew closer to him in a few months than he was to the people in the small team he's managed for some time and they're all friendly. At work, he often calls me over to ask questions I know that he knows the answer to.

He's totally off dating men since a failed marriage left him heartbroken. He often says we should get married (I agree!) but of course I think he's joking. Out of the blue, very randomly, he often texts me saying how he's going to stay single forever because men are too much trouble. I'm often thinking wtf at the randomness of those messages but then I think he could be testing the waters?

He plans nights out for us and if I ask if we should invite close friends of both of us, he says no and says it's our date! He also regularly 'jokes' about us moving away and living together.

I know that he doesn't text and show anyone else the same attention as he shows me. I'm obviously on his mind a lot and he's certainly on mine. I've got massive feelings for him but he's been with men only for all of his life! I know sexuality isn't set in stone that a person is 100% gay but could it be that he does have feelings for me? Thank you 🙂

You also posted about a guy in May, you got really excited as everyone thought you sounded well suited.

Then you said he was bisexual. You stated that as fact - which would mean there is of course scope for a relationship so you could just have a conversation with him.

But now you say he's gay, you state that as a fact now too. So you do know the score. He's told you he's gay.

Not only that, you have posted about liking other people in recent months too, so you perfectly capable of looking elsewhere. Take responsibility for yourself and accept its not going to happen with him - so you need to decide if you can be friends or not on that basis.

You must be exhausted, it sounds like you are incredibly intense and I don't think it's doing you any favours with your anxiety. Have you had counselling to cope with obsessive thoughts / spiralling at any point? CBT could be really valuable for you.

I agree with PP that it sounds like wishful thinking on your part sorry OP.

But if you really need an answer then you either need to (a) Come clean and tell him, or (b) both get really drunk, kiss him, and see what his reaction is (if he kisses you, great, if not you apologise profusely and blame it on the drink)!*

*disclaimer - I would never be brave enough to do either of these...

He just sees you as a friend, you’re a woman he isn’t into women, you need to either accept this and continue the friendship or distance yourself from him.

Oh OP, I feel really sorry for you. I think some gay men can be more easier to talk to than the average straight guy - I can think of a gay man I know who I feel I can talk to in the same way as I talk to my female friends. So I can see how you have fallen for him.

But as others have said, it will never go anywhere. That's life. Sometimes we fall in love with people who don't love us. If you can't move on with him in your life, cut him from your life. You can even explain why you have to if you want.

Just a thought - is there any chance you have fallen for him BECAUSE he is unavailable? Are you avoiding forming a relationship with someone available?

This is one of those threads (which I find crop up in relationships quite frequently) where one only has to read the title to know the answer.

No, OP, no, he's not going to be interested and never will be. Because he's gay.

I second the suggestions upthread to read up about limerance and get counselling (advice I wish someone had given me in my twenties, so that's not me being harsh, I know how all-consuming these ridiculously one-sided crushes can be).

(I have read the whole thread btw and it's simply confirmed my initial opinion.)

I worked with a gay guy, he had never been with a woman and had never been attracted to women. We became very very good friends, and for me, it was similar to other friendships I've had with gay men- sharing everything, very open, just a lovely vibe.
However, one night the truth came tumbling out- he tried it one with me, said he was in love, that none of it made sense but there was a sexual attraction to me etc. I was stunned, and backed off the friendship a lot. I think the world of him but also feel a bit cornered unfairly...

I'd just ask him if he had ever thought about sleeping with a woman.
The best sexual relationship I've ever had was with a stunning gay man. He wasn't out at the time but we both knew he was gay before we started being together and I helped him come out. But jeez he was fabulous in bed and we couldn't keep hands off each other! Actually, come to think of it, another gay friend of mine propositioned me once.I also have gay male friends who think female bodies are terrifying/disgusting. It's all shades of grey not black and white isn't it? I

I think he’s being quite unfair to you really. If he is genuinely gay (you say he’s never been with a woman and he’s in his 40s plus he’s been in a same sex marriage) I don’t think he should be flirting with you and saying you are on a date. I’m sure he knows how you feel.

I’m sure he loves you and cares for you deeply, but not in a sexual way.

There are all kinds of love but some kinds are platonic. Platonic love is not less, but if you need more than this man can give you, it’s best to walk away.

I love my friends very deeply and feel that my platonic friendships are meaningful, emotionally committed relationships. But they are not sexual and not the same as a dating-type relationship. The fact I love my friends and know that they love me doesn’t mean we’re going to jump in the sack.

Why torture yourself? If you have any kind of friendship, surely you can ash him about his intentions. Give him the benefit of the doubt by all means but get to the bottom of it in a conversation.

I've now had a look at some of your other threads OP. This is not said to be unkind but I think you have a lot going on at the moment, are desperate for a relationship and this limerance is an escape from reality for you. It isn't going to work out the way you want it to and it is going to harm you if you don't face up to reality.

Op.... sorry for what you're going through. Seems your having a rough / tough time of late. I think you should name change now to avoid a pile on in your future posts.

For what it's worth I think you should leave him alone and cut him off if you can't bare the emotional war you've got going on xx

I had an intense EA with a gay man.
We had the best time, so close, so affectionate, always slept in the same bed when we visited each other.

He said if I was a man he would definitely fancy me.

He said his feelings were such that he could even have sex with me...but knew that he would actually always be gay. We never did have sex. Which was fine, and right, really. We were close friends for about 3 years, and drifted apart when I became a parent and he changed professions and moved away.

He's gay. That doesn't mean he doesn't admire you, think you are fab and even love you. But gay is gay.

No.

Uncalled for @UnaCorda @JorisBonson

Why so nasty about someone else’s feelings? Let’s hope you two never find yourself like this.

I think you're both broken hearted trying to mend your hearts with your friendship which will only end sour.

Gay men are born gay they cannot suddenly change

Actually, this thread has just made me remember something about one of my gay friends. About 20 years ago he had a relationship with a woman lasting 1-2 years. He was gay, she was straight. I didn’t understand it then, and I don’t really understand it now. He has always identified as gay. He’s with a male now. I know people are going to come back with “he’s bisexual”. It was just the oddest thing for them to have a relationship, but they did. It was born out of friendship too. Hey, maybe they were just trying to be outrageous, who knows!

He may have fallen in love with you but he fancies men. My best friend did same, I couldn’t fool myself that he didn’t fancy men, it would never go away and damage my self esteem. Don’t muddy the water, enjoy the time with him, he can be your friend for life. My friend married one of my very close Male friends and I’m genuinely thrilled for them.

Why are you posting about this again? He's gay. He doesn't fancy you. He never will. It's grim to keep pressing the matter. Have some respect for him and his sexuality.

I disagree with the idea that ‘he’s gay, so into men not women.’ There are men who have always identified as straight, been married and raised a family who, in later life enter into relationships/sex with men. It’s more common than you think. This site is full of ‘bicurious’ women so could it be that this gay friend is actually bicurious? It could be a complete surprise to him that he could fancy a women, but it actually could (and does) happen. Sexuality is much, much more complicated and fluid as many people realise. The OP says that he texts her saying that he’s not going to have a relationship with men as they’re too much trouble. Sounds like a massive hint to me.

My very close friend had a situation like this. He fell in love and married her, but was lying to himself and still only finds guys sexually attractive. To top it all he is angry at life and not that nice to her. Be friends with this guy. Friendship is really important, no?

Don’t go down this path. I married a gay man (I didn’t know he was gay). He may love you in many ways, but eventually you won’t be enough.

This honestly just sounds like a close friendship, it probably isn't occurring to him how some of his comments are being interpreted.

Those men were gay all along, lulu. Anyway, you don't come out as gay and then as bi-curious. It's the wrong way round.

I think you need to ask him. All the time you are investing in him is stopping you finding someone available. Don’t assume he doesn’t have romantic feelings for you so you need to ask and explain why you have asked just like you have explained to us. But you might be his emotional stop gap after his marriage and if you are, it’s not fair on you.