Im female, he's gay, but is there something there?

[Magicra84]

I've become very close over a short time to a gay man. When we met we immediately hit it off. He's in his late 40s and has never been with a woman, but sometimes I think he could have feelings for me, but am I kidding myself?

I often catch him looking at me when he thinks I can't see. When I look back at him he looks away. He's very tactile with hugs and putting his arm on my shoulder etc but isn't at all with anyone else.

He texts me first thing every day. He's always the one to initiate the first text and I know he's not a big texter because other friends at work often say he doesn't reply to them but he always replies to me immediately. When we first met, he'd make up questions to ask me about work that I'm certain he knew the answer to and I'm sure it was just to talk to me. Now we text all day long about everything and anything.

He's very caring to me and goes out of his way to make sure I'm always ok. I grew closer to him in a few months than he was to the people in the small team he's managed for some time and they're all friendly. At work, he often calls me over to ask questions I know that he knows the answer to.

He's totally off dating men since a failed marriage left him heartbroken. He often says we should get married (I agree!) but of course I think he's joking. Out of the blue, very randomly, he often texts me saying how he's going to stay single forever because men are too much trouble. I'm often thinking wtf at the randomness of those messages but then I think he could be testing the waters?

He plans nights out for us and if I ask if we should invite close friends of both of us, he says no and says it's our date! He also regularly 'jokes' about us moving away and living together.

I know that he doesn't text and show anyone else the same attention as he shows me. I'm obviously on his mind a lot and he's certainly on mine. I've got massive feelings for him but he's been with men only for all of his life! I know sexuality isn't set in stone that a person is 100% gay but could it be that he does have feelings for me? Thank you 🙂

Just watch Will and Grace - the first few seasons. Gay men can love a woman and want desperately to be in love with them, but if they are gay then they just don’t. If he’s bi then fine. But all you can do is ask him. Be prepared that even if the 2 of you do have sex, it might be awful/awkward and only happen once. However, most likely you provide him with a level of security, warmth and stability which he loves and sees as separate from his dating life. This isn’t a bad thing, but if it isn’t what you want then you need to calm your friendship.

And you should also protect yourself emotionally in case, as is possible, the constant texting etc stops dead when he gets his courage back up to head back out into the dating scene, especially as you work together closely.

I'm also not entirely sure I like the sound of him. He may have decided to give up dating and to make jokes about running away and marrying you, but you presumably haven't decided to give up on dating, so it's pretty arrogant to assume, even in a joky way, that someone is happy to go along with your cutesy, sexless fantasy of a cosy lavender marriage.

Are you being terribly obvious about your adoration of him?

Why post this again? Has something happened? Or are you hoping that magically you'll get different answers this time, therefore there will be a different outcome?

Stop torturing yourself about this man and just ask him!

I'm starting to think you actually might need counselling of some sort

@Magicra84

But I've fallen for him. I'm sat here crying because I know it'll never be more than a friendship.

Well there you are. It's harsh but you already know the answer.

You falling for someone doesn't change his sexuality. He is gay but enjoying the attention and may, or may not, not realise how much you are getting hurt in the process.

Sorry OP.

He's gay. Pretend he's a woman. I am very close to my female friends and have had close Male friends in the past and we have been like that. It's a friendship.

1.) Ask him if he feels this way about you if it’s making you so upset. You know him better than we do.

2.) I’ve had loads of gay friends and what you have described is very much a gay man & straight woman friendship - including the gay man making suggestions of marriage (&babies). At no point have I ever considered a gay man to be “in love” with me other than as friends. Please don’t fall for it, they can be very full on.

I also have a female friend who has a gay best friend, and if you didn’t know any better, from their instagram you’d assume they were a stunningly in love hetro couple. They do everything together (and look extremely good together too!).

OP if you haven't heard of limerence take a look at this Wikipedia page and see if you recognise yourself in the definition. If you do, please consider getting some counselling to help you become more available to men who can actually desire you:

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence#:~:text=Limerence%20is%20a%20state%20of,and%20have%20one's%20feelings%20reciprocated

This situation sounds like the gender-reverse of this trope: guy likes girl, girl thinks guy is such a great friend, always cries on his shoulder, always complains to him about the men she dates, guy thinks he could be the right man for her, but the truth is, he will never, ever get into her pants, because she doesn't fancy him, just enjoys that safe presence in her life.

Odds rare, OP, you're very firmly in the friend-zone, and will stay there. Don't hurt yourself further. In case of doubt, bluntly ask him what his feelings are (no regrets). But be ready for a serious blow... or an evasive answer with mixed signals, that will keep you guessing forever.

Christ sakes, you posted about this back in June as well! What's wrong with you? Just talk to the man, for goodness sake!

No OP. He's gay and not into you like that. You're fantasising and reading into things. To be honest, he also doesn't sound that nice or sensitive.

My dad told me very late in life that he was gay. It explained a lot, as my parents' marriage was fucking miserable and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I still think he was a jerk for taking my mum's chance at a different life and shaping all our lives like that, and I often wonder how many times my mum kept deluding herself like you are doing. Please don't be her, don't be silly. Look after yourself more and work for a better life.

I mean, have a cry by all means, feel the grief of losing an idealised fantasy, but you need to move on.

Could you be with someone that has been with a man sexually?
That doesn't bother you at all?
You're very open minded.
Back to your question - he's not interested, you're a good friend to him that's all, you wouldn't ask this if he was a woman, don't waste your time.

Be with a man that has been with a man ... I meant.

@Orphaned

Lots of people are bisexual. I would say it requires a very open mind

I had this similar kind of relationship when I was younger with someone who later came out as gay. I was completely infatuated and I knew he had feelings too. But actually in hindsight it was a deeper kind of love, not the relationship kind. He's married now to the love of his life and I can totally see I was essentially his closest female friend years back, but just a friend. Try and find someone more available to you rather than wishing and hoping about this man.

@Magicra84

But I've fallen for him. I'm sat here crying because I know it'll never be more than a friendship.

You having fallen for him won't change that he is gay. He can't help you with your feelings, you're going to need to take action to reduce contact with him so that you can allow your feelings to fade.

It’s possible that he’s bisexual or perhaps considering a relationship with a woman after his failed marriage. But do you want to be an “experiment“ to see whether it works for him with a woman? I wouldn’t.

Please protect yourself and distance yourself abit from this friendship. You can still be friends, but cool the intensity, for your own sake.

@BIWI

Christ sakes, you posted about this back in June as well! What's wrong with you? Just talk to the man, for goodness sake!

Look out for September's exciting installment of "I'm female, he's gay - could he have feelings for me?"

Sorry OP, but I think you know the answer. Either reduce contact or ask him directly (and then reduce contact when he confirms he doesn't want a relationship).

And yes, maybe get some counselling if you're really struggling with this.

But I've fallen for him. I'm sat here crying because I know it'll never be more than a friendship.

Unfortunately, no amount of crying or posting on the internet are going to change the fact he is gay and you are female.

He probably thinks he’s ‘safe’ because you know he’s gay and you’re female. He thinks it’s safe to flirt because he assumes you both know nothing will come of it. Sorry

Look out for September's exciting installment of "I'm female, he's gay - could he have feelings for me?"

😂

The fact he has never been with a woman and is in his 40s should answer your question.

During my younger days, I spent a lot of time with my friend, he was gay, we spent many times together, hugged, shared the same bed, no issue. I felt safe with him and he with me. I adored him for him, my DP works with someone who is gay we flirt outrageously, just one of those things. I know he doesn’t fancy me, just the way we are

You’re wasting your time hankering over a gay man who has never had sex with a woman. Why do you think he’s never had sex with a woman? Because he’s gay.

You can post every month, every week, every year but he’s into men, not into you, sorry.