the bloody caravan....

[TheViewFromTheSheepSeats]

DP and I have been having some issues- which recently culminated in his going to stay with a friend for a week (at my request) to give us both some space.

Since he came home things have been better, and about 10 days ago we bought a cheap caravan for trips away-

since the caravan came home, every time we have the slightest disagreement DP marches off to sleep in the caravan for the night. (3 times in the last week)

this really pisses me off, we didn't buy a caravan for him to have a manly bolt hole so that he doesn't have to discuss anything uncomfortable! i don't think its healthy to walk out on a discussion, as then everything gets brushed under the rug.

This usually happens just as we are about to go to bed, so while he is snoring away outside i am left lying in bed upset and frustrated.

i know this isnt AIBU but i do feel that is my question.

so AIBU to be unhappy about this?

If he's been to stay with a friend, and you're falling out to the extent that he goes and sleeps in a caravan 3 nights in a week, then perhaps you have bigger issues than the caravan...

Could the relationship have run it's course?

I actually think it's a really good idea to prevent things from escalating and awful things said in the heat of the moment.
The key is that the issues need to be resolved at a later time or date, when emotions have calmed, otherwise resentment will build.

any chance of OW? he could be using his strops as a way of contacting her in private. Porn addiction?

that's the thing...we are not really falling out-
last night i started a conversation about contact i had had with DSs father (one sentence relating to school starting) and he announced he was sick of hearing about it, that HE wasn't consulted....and off he went....

@Tiny2018 thats what he says, that its damage limitation
@TwentyViginti no phone signal or WIFI in caravan, and im not getting an OW vibe

maybe i need to be taking into account that HE is distancing himself to avoid a disproportionate reaction to something??
(he has ADHD and depressive traits) - in which case that's surely a good thing, but i cant help finding it very frustrating....

can I borrow the caravan OP?
I'd bloody love my 'D'H to sleep in it for a few nights...

@IamMaz take it! its yours!

i have just realised...this being mumsnet, that this may seem like a caravan stealth boast post! its old and crap really, and causing more problem than i thought possible.

I'd invite a FWB round for the night. It'd be the last time your partner slept in the caravan.

Hmmm. My xh is a bastard so I can't help but default to the idea that he doesn't have a temper, he's training you to watch your words.

You're not being unreasonable. This stroppiness is not good in a partner. And stroppiness is what it is, especially if he's storming off if you say a sentence about school or whatever. And you're right, that could be a subject there could be a discussion about. He said he wasn't consulted, then he stormed off, when he could've had a chance to give his opinion.

Do you feel you walk on eggshells sometimes to avoid another strop?

I imagine it's a bit depressing, I would feel rejected and insecure, maybe worrying the relationship was at risk.

After all, he's effectively leaving, storming out of the house. It has a metaphorical/psychological meaning to the person staying in the house I think.

How do you feel about it?

Do you find you try and watch what you say in case it sets him off?

I wouldn't put up with that as I put up with enough strops and eggshell walking as a child from my dad.

@HollowTalk [grin}

@SoulofanAggron my ex DP was emotionally abusive and i make a real point of not 'walking on eggshells' and will pull him up on unreasonable behaviour- so i can maybe be a bit combative/defensive... but i have told him that i think he has subconscious abusive traits and i am not willing to let them fester/grow.

He also only wants to discuss things on his terms/when he feels ready- we have talked about this before and how its equally important that i can air my views when I need to, rather than waiting for his moment- i agree that the leaving has metaphorical/psychological significance and i don't think it shows much respect and willingness to work on things- but he is adamant its 'damage limitation'

There is an episode of Friday Night Dinner where Martín gets a caravan. It’s a version of the mans shed.

You need a new damage limitation then.

It's handy in that you could still call him in to parent. But I'd think it would be fairer, if space was needed, to take turns having caravan alone time.

I don't think space is necessarily the thing needed- it's adult discussion that he is avoiding!

Yeah he's found a way to avoid being accountable that also makes you look unreasonable.

He's out there again- DD was playing in there before bed and they wanted to have a sleepover, I being boring mum, said maybe not tonight etc and took her off to bed- went out to speak with him and apparently he is "confused" - I've reacted too sharply and told him that I either want him to sleep in the house so we can work on the relationship, or he can move the caravan and sleep in it somewhere else....
He says he can't be expected to snap back to 'normal' and that it takes time, and that I am unreasonable to want to be in the same house as him while we are "working on things"

He won't be wanti g to keep doing this in winter

Agree... the novelty will soon wear off when the weather turns!

I've had that one. Id ask him what kind of feeling he expects you to have.

(remove the mattress - if he acts like a kid treat him like a kid & don't tell him!)

I've told him that I am upset and feel rejected, but it doesn't even seem to register. He is such a stubborn git that anything he deems an "ultimatum" will be bitten at-

So I said, "if you move the caravan, to stop it being so easy to sleep in, will you come home, or will you be staying with the caravan"

His answer- "I don't know"
Wtf am I meant to do with that?.....

Set fire to it.