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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

the bloody caravan....

51 replies

TheViewFromTheSheepSeats · 06/08/2020 13:29

DP and I have been having some issues- which recently culminated in his going to stay with a friend for a week (at my request) to give us both some space.

Since he came home things have been better, and about 10 days ago we bought a cheap caravan for trips away-

since the caravan came home, every time we have the slightest disagreement DP marches off to sleep in the caravan for the night. (3 times in the last week)

this really pisses me off, we didn't buy a caravan for him to have a manly bolt hole so that he doesn't have to discuss anything uncomfortable! i don't think its healthy to walk out on a discussion, as then everything gets brushed under the rug.

This usually happens just as we are about to go to bed, so while he is snoring away outside i am left lying in bed upset and frustrated.

i know this isnt AIBU but i do feel that is my question.

so AIBU to be unhappy about this?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheViewFromTheSheepSeats · 06/08/2020 22:14

Ha! As I stalked away from it I said "I feel like torching you're bloody caravan"
Great minds ey...

I'm aware that the more I type the mor ei am possibly coming across as an aggressive, unhinged nit picker- but I just feel this is not for behaviour!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheViewFromTheSheepSeats · 06/08/2020 22:15

Ahhh! your your

OP posts:
Original poster
TheViewFromTheSheepSeats · 06/08/2020 22:16

Bloody bugger- lots of typos there....the more I am and fair behaviour

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 06/08/2020 22:25

I'm just divorced. I pack his stuff and get rid of him.

endofthelinefinally · 07/08/2020 07:31

He sounds exhausting. Wouldn't you be happier without him?

MrsBobDylan · 07/08/2020 07:34

Sorry but this sounds like a terrible relationship. I think you need to consider that like your last relationship, this man may also be emotionally abusive. It's a toxic environment for your kids and a miserable way to live for you.

Tappering · 07/08/2020 08:15

How convenient that every time you say or do something he doesn't like, he can flounce off to the caravan. Almost as if it's a training tool to discourage you from doing it again...

I'd get rid. He sounds very manipulative.

ChristmasFluff · 07/08/2020 09:41

He's not 'working on the relationship' though, is he?

I'd pack this in, OP. At least you know he can leave the house and not be homeless as you divorce.

Original poster
TheViewFromTheSheepSeats · 07/08/2020 10:11

I really want my relationship to work- we have been friends for 15 years before our relationship and I don't want to throw it away.

The whole situation is making me so sad, I think he is having a MH crisis but that is now impacting on my own MH...

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 07/08/2020 10:25

No wonder. You ask something and if it doesn't please him he dishes out a consequence. Ffs. If you truly don't think he's a pig I reckon you could try counselling but he does sound like he's playing you.

TwentyViginti · 07/08/2020 10:33

I really want my relationship to work- we have been friends for 15 years before our relationship and I don't want to throw it away.
^
That's the sunk cost fallacy. You can live apart and still be friends - although he's not your friend right now, is he?

ravenmum · 07/08/2020 10:50

I'd be soooooo tempted to start a discussion, then before he can get there first, leap up and say "Right, I've had enough" and storm out to the caravan.

How about if you write a nice note saying what you would really like to have in your relationship with him, and what you already love about him, and put it in the caravan with some flowers and chocolates, so that next time he storms out he might be either persuaded or shamed into coming back?

TwentyViginti · 07/08/2020 10:54

I don't he should be rewarded for acting like a dick!

Flowers and chocolates? Hmm

ravenmum · 07/08/2020 10:55

Not as a reward; to remind him how he should be behaving, by herself making a loving gesture. Like you do with your partner.

ravenmum · 07/08/2020 10:57

(Also, if you write the note beforehand, when you are not pissed off, you might be able to make your point more persuasively.)

SoulofanAggron · 07/08/2020 11:03

It must be hard being with someone you think has subconscious abusive tendencies. Sad

Original poster
TheViewFromTheSheepSeats · 07/08/2020 11:16

I have considered a note (no chocolates of flowers though!) but then i worry that i am not behaving consistently? I shouted a him yesterday and i am cross and upset- but i also feel everything that i would write in a note, about what i want in our relationship etc.

We could probably both use counselling, both separately and together!

@SoulofanAggron it can be hard and it can be easy, when things are good between us it is the easiest relationship i have ever had, but looking at his family history there has been lots of alcohol/abuse between parents and directed towards children, so i am aware that he has grown up around these behaviours and internalised them to some extend.

in a similar fashion, I can see myself repeating behaviours of my mothers....

OP posts:
ravenmum · 07/08/2020 11:22

It's not inconsistent to love some things and hate others, or to say different things when you're calm to when you're angry.

user1495884620 · 07/08/2020 11:30

[quote TheViewFromTheSheepSeats]@HollowTalk [grin}

@SoulofanAggron my ex DP was emotionally abusive and i make a real point of not 'walking on eggshells' and will pull him up on unreasonable behaviour- so i can maybe be a bit combative/defensive... but i have told him that i think he has subconscious abusive traits and i am not willing to let them fester/grow.

He also only wants to discuss things on his terms/when he feels ready- we have talked about this before and how its equally important that i can air my views when I need to, rather than waiting for his moment- i agree that the leaving has metaphorical/psychological significance and i don't think it shows much respect and willingness to work on things- but he is adamant its 'damage limitation'[/quote]
I wonder if there is a vicious circle here. You are determined to pick up on anything with potential undertones of abuse, so you are also going to pick up on times when he cocks up or is having a bad day. In turn, he probably feels like he is walking on eggshells and needs that space to retreat to. This makes you feel even more that he is being unreasonable, running away from the issues and so it goes on.

You both need to work out what is going on and how you can both deal with this, maybe counselling would help.

TinnedPearsForPudding · 07/08/2020 11:32

He won't be so keen to do this in the winter....caravans are freezing in the winter....!

Original poster
TheViewFromTheSheepSeats · 07/08/2020 11:33

thank you @ravenmum and @user1495884620
both of your comments have really hit home

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 07/08/2020 12:14

Op you sound really switched on. The effort you are putting in to being understood reminds me of how I tried to improve my marriage with my bastard xh. Not to say that's what you are experiencing. Just to point out that this is very high up on your agenda of something that needs your time and energy. Where are you on his agenda? Also, I did that 'diddums he had a difficult childhood shit' til I was even board of it. Crap parents is not a free pass to be so perturbed you need to disappear to the caravan. My x had different ways of shutting down the communication much, much more ferocious than that. It didn't stop it driving me mental though.

OhioOhioOhio · 07/08/2020 12:14

Are, not is.

Original poster
TheViewFromTheSheepSeats · 07/08/2020 14:14

Thank you @OhioOhioOhio
He has told me before that when he starts "dwelling" and enters a depressive type episode he can feel his empathy disappearing and cannot think about anything other than how he feels...so at that point i am very low on his agenda- (the very fact that he is able to see this is another reason why when we are good, we are really good)

i mean there is always the chance that its one big head fuck, but i genuinely believe that he is a good man who is struggling, but that makes me struggle.

I do agree that crap parents is not a licence to act badly, but i can see the damage inflicted on lots of us by our upbringing, and how we try to fight against it.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 07/08/2020 14:28

Well done op and that does sound very healthy, that you can share that type of personal reflection. Just another warning, I played your role very well for years and then my xh turned, and I kept trying. We had a counsellor who said you could have words to flag up emotions, when either of you felt you were not coping. I guess for normal people it is a good idea but I ended up planning everything I was going to say so as to not cause any upset. The more careful I became the braver he became. Just keep an eye on it.

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