its the boiling frog analogy too. You dont notice the small things, you get gradually trained to put them foremost in every thought, you cannot see the bigger picture because you are constantly too tied up worrying about the minutae.
and often we who have suffered abuse have not been equipt by our parents to have self confidence withing personal relationships. We often do well in our jobs or in our friendships, but there has been something from way way back that has meant that we have taken on beliefs about ourselves, our ability to have our voices have equal value, or needs to deserve to be met, and often seen subtle or coercice abuse as normal. So we can be pretty well enmeshed or co-dependant before we realise how bad things are.
Its often not even our parent's fault. They are playing out the traumas of their own bad bits of parenting and, as we rarely analyse our own or other family dynamics, we just dont know whats normal and healthy.
This isnt to say its our fault, or that we were responsible for being abused. We were not - the choices to act in such a way to another human being, who they supposedly claim to love, lies firmly at the feet of those who dish out the abuse. They are faulty themselves, but unless they own it and do a hell of a lot of work to address it, it doesnt excuse the abuse, and certainly isnt the responsibility of the abused to 'fix' them.
As someone upthread said, they are looking for someone that reflects well on them, so someone strong, bright, successfull, popular, sexy, something that shows they are successful to have such a partner. But actually they are not emotionally secure enough to actually handle the individuality of someone like that. They are too needy, too lacking in their own self worth, too jealous and resentful. They want someone good looking, but as soon as they have them, they fear that they will be whisked away by another man. They want someone successful, but then they start to see their success as somehow showing them up as failures. They want someone who earns money (not too much) but they also want a stay at home housewife who's whole life is focussed on facilitating their life.
They dont see people as anything other than bit parts in the story of their life, which is why they cannot cope when we have lives or ideas of their own. They are charming and fun while everything is going well, while its going the way THEY want it to be going. Its as if they expect a whole relationship to play out as the best holiday romance, but once the realities of life kick in, thats when it will start to go wrong.
Maybe that point is moving in together and expecting him to take on his share of the bills and housework.
Maybe that is having a child and the focus is off him, and you are not as free to be his fun partner as you were.
Perhaps its his job stress and he is cross and takes it out on you. Or an argument that makes you drop off the pedastal and he realises you are just human after all. Perhaps you want to do something different to him. Perhaps the kids have gone to school and you want to get back to work.
Im not entirely sure that it is always concious. That they think 'oh today we will have a good day and that will pull her back in' Someone spoke of them living in the moment, and yes, I think thats true. Living in the moment, emotional instability, a belief that your role is to support them, a hugely fragile ego and, despite seeming the opposite a really poor self image of themselves which needs to be hidden at all costs.
We are charmed by what we think they are. And often they seem to have a knack for finding us - they seem to look as if they may fill the hole that was missing in childhood - the bit of us that wasnt quite formed properly from our own hangups - but this is because they are good at mirroring our wants. They will try this with a whole range of women, but those who have learned how to spot the red flags, who have seen the tiny pushes of boundaries, wont give them the time of day. They play on the facts that we have been taught to 'be nice' and to always consider others feelings. Not bad qualities in themselves, but need to be balanced with whether the recipient of our kindness deserves it.
Its why I would always suggest counselling after life with an abuser, and something like the freedom programme. To see why we didnt spot the flags, because they were there. And to shore up our barriers against getting entangled with one again, whichever method they employ.