When you are in an abusive relationship are you being abused all the time?

[WhoamI83]

For instance when went go out for the day and he is in a good mood is he allowing me to feel happy that day?

I always thought that he took his anger out on me because he couldn’t deal with his own emotions so made himself feel better by making me cry. Did he have control of all the emotions including when I was happy or angry? Do they get happy when they make you angry and you shout back because they made you have an emotion?

My ex was horrendously emotionally, sexually and financially abusive, but he could also have periods of being wonderful. It's called the cycle of abuse. If they were abusive all the time no one would ever stay with them.

I suspect the comment above is written by someone who has never experienced emotional abuse. It is impossible to explain.

@WhoamI83

They seem to intentionally behave very well at the beginning, a little too well. I guess they must have some intention otherwise they would not bother. They must know they they lacking something.

That’s probably true. I don’t put up with shit and have little to no capacity for abuse and crap. But then can you explain what abuse is in an adult relationship? Could you tell me examples and why you put up with it?

Sorry, wrong quote! I wanted to quote the post above...

I can tell you one very small part. My boyfriend as he was then had non consensual sex with me when I was pregnant without condoms. I had no idea what was going on, he told me I consented. I found out I was pregnant. I was not ready so had an abortion that he paid for and was happy at the time. Afterwards he told me I was a disgusting murderer who murdered his child without his permission who would ever put up with me....but don’t worry because he will stay with me. That was one small part. I was blinded by trauma.

Sorry that was meant to say non consensual when I was drunk!

I don’t drink either so that was all a ploy and I’m not sure whether something was in my drink. Every time I said something about him he didn’t like for example a comment about a speeding fine he got, out would come that time I murdered his child, shut your face. We later went on to have a child that he has no desire to see.

@LikeDuhWhatever

Your name really suits you, from others to you.

I remember looking at my ex one day and it was like a lightening bolt. He was moaning about something or other in the strong, righteous tones he always used and I said to him "I've just realised, if it wasn't this it would be something else. If I hadn't done this wrong, you'd find something else to tell me off for, you just like telling me off". He Went Crazy. I had discovered him. Huge rant about how no it's this that's the problem, it wouldn't be something else at all! But I could see on his face that I was right. I used to say to him, "you don't just want to live your own life, you want to live mine too". It was really true. He wanted to decide every aspect of my life. What I did, where I went, how I reacted, what my opinions were, what money I had, what I did with it when I had it, every aspect of child raising. And if I didn't do it his way it was because I was thick/limited/unambitious/lazy/slovenly. But not all the time, there were times when he disengaged entirely when his attention was elsewhere - a boys trip or holiday and then it was like me and the kids didn't exist.

I forget about a lot of this stuff but when I remember I still feel shaky with rage at how he treated me and how he managed to make me feel I had brought it on myself.

My exdp could be nice for a week or two. Those weeks were wonderful just like our first few years together. Then it would start and gradually ramp up. I had learned not to challenge him, it just wasn’t worth it, but after about a month or so it would get to the point where I couldn’t cope anymore and would I suppose have a mini breakdown. He would then realise he’d gone to far and be nice again. I was actually relieved when things were really bad as I knew it could only get better and I’d be ‘rewarded’ with a perfect life for a week or so.

You don't know what you're talking about @LikeDuhWhatever. You don't understand abuse and coercive control. You think you're bringing common sense to the thread but the people who do understand are just rolling their eyes at your ignorance.

I’ve experienced so much of this attitude lately and it damages the recovery of those trying to recover from abuse. It’s what I have stopped talking to people about it. Friends and colleagues have said to me amongst many others “oh well we all meet a few bad uns”, “well he can’t have been that bad as you had his children”, “just get over it”. I understand it’s something that is completely nonexistent in most people’s lives, I usually reply to these people that you can not make a judgment until you have walked a mile in there shoes.

I think it's only in very rare abusive relationships where the abuse is continuous, and to get to that point the abuser would have cycled through being abusive and then being nice which is how people end up stuck in them.

But for the vast majority of abusive relationships the person wouldn't be abusive all the time.

WhoamI, I'm so glad you got out!

I highly recommend 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft. Whatever could usefully read it, too.

I think I get it. When I hear the word abuse I always think about the end part, the hitting or put downs etc. But the whole thing is abuse, when they are nice they are playing it’s all part of the deal. They don’t love you then one day hate you, they hate you all the time and pretend to love you sometimes or reward you or whatever their distorted minds think.

The cycle of abuse was helpful to read. Thank you.

@YgritteSnow

You don't know what you're talking about *@LikeDuhWhatever*. You don't understand abuse and coercive control. You think you're bringing common sense to the thread but the people who do understand are just rolling their eyes at your ignorance.

Well said! Not everyone understands abuse and that’s fine BUT please don’t hop on threads like this and trot out your “I wouldn’t put up with it”...”just leave”...”you’re encouraging it”...”that’s not abuse”. It helps no-one a d is fantastically thoughtless. Some people on these pages have suffered horrendous abuse or are unaware that they are being abused and the last thing they need is to read abuse-denying bile.

Omg the amount of times I heard, 'I would just...' or 'I would have.' It's so much more complicated than just walking away.

The thing with abuse is that the consequences for standing up for yourself, not tolerating the awful behaviour or setting boundaries are too great. It wears you down at the exact same time that someone is gaslighting you, telling you your oversensitive and you can't trust your own interpretation of what's acceptable to you.

My ex would be lovely to try and initiate sex and then tell to f off if I turned him down. The disingenuous niceness was more upsetting then the anger at being refused.

Urgh the niceness was always so obvious. “Look I’ve done the washing up for you”...oh great!

The last ever argument with him I told him I can’t live like this anymore. He was busy doing something for me, cleaning my car (which in all the years he’s never done), I told him that it isn’t going to work, I’m not changing my mind. He threw all the cleaning stuff at me and told me to get out the house and threatened my life!!!

@LikeDuhWhatever the thing with abuse is it can be hard to spot at first. I say this because when you first encounter it, it catches you off guard. It is inconceivable that it just happened. And why?? Because people who are normal and non abusive judge the person who does the abusing by their own standards.

"I wouldn't do a thing like that, surely they just didn't" - that kind of mentality. Also being a normal person, you try to show you're partner you are willing to consider their feelings and you find ways to either a) rationalise their behaviour or b) fix your own so you don't offend again as you want to be a nice, considerate, good partner or c) a combo of both. The first time it happens can be a shock to the system. It blindsides you.

Then, the abuser knows it has you in his/her trap. They deploy different techniques for different scenarios. No two scenarios are ever the same so you don't know it is coming. You can be doing something normal and innocent. The abuser will look for ways to make you pay for 'it'. The abuser resorts to methods such as shouting, swearing, threats, intimidation. Or financial control. Or isolating you from friends or family. Or putting you down and belittling you and playing on your insecurities. Or the silent treatment. Or sexual abuse. Or physical abuse.

Eventually you get to a point that you don't know exactly WHAT is coming, but you are always on your guard waiting for the next thing. And it sure as hell comes and seemingly out of nowhere. It could be about anything and nothing. The abuser is always in a heightened state of being on the look out for things to throw at you. I'm not sure they know they are doing it. As time goes on, you become numb to it but also modify your behaviours so much that become unrecognisable to yourself. It is hard to leave, that's why so many stay longer than they should and often go back to their abusers.

If you've never been through it, you can't possibly know what it is like. Your are lucky.

Very lucky indeed!

It’s like being burgled. If you are lucky your parents gave you good coping skills so that you put defensive measures on your house, perhaps an alarm to warn you of intruders. Some parents like mine weaken your defensive measures, like leaving the back door unlocked so the burglar got in undetected, they are crafty! Some pretend to be repair men so you let them in the front door, however this is a disguise. Once they are in they change the locks, change the decor, don’t allow anyone else in. However it happens, alarm or no alarm it’s still a crime!