When you are in an abusive relationship are you being abused all the time?

[WhoamI83]

For instance when went go out for the day and he is in a good mood is he allowing me to feel happy that day?

I always thought that he took his anger out on me because he couldn’t deal with his own emotions so made himself feel better by making me cry. Did he have control of all the emotions including when I was happy or angry? Do they get happy when they make you angry and you shout back because they made you have an emotion?

[BitOfANameChange]

They dont see people as anything other than bit parts in the story of their life, which is why they cannot cope when we have lives or ideas of their own. They are charming and fun while everything is going well, while its going the way THEY want it to be going.

Oh yes, I can totally relate to this especially, as well as the rest of NettleTea's post. I don't think it was any coincidence that I'd get the worst digs when I was feeling great.

What I also found was that if we (DC and I) did, or wanted to do, something that Ex wouldn't, or couldn't, do, then he'd do everything to dissuade us, including repeating statements and comments to the effect that we couldn't possibly think we were good enough at whatever activity. Notably about musical stuff. He'd comment often that DD had no talent for the piano, when her first teacher (who is an amazing pianist) was so anxious for her to carry on precisely because she was talented. Of course, Ex can't play, but thinks he knows it all. I think he couldn't bear the idea that any of us would get attention that he wouldn't. DD won't play now, he's spoiled that for her.

Meanwhile, I'm bidding on a second hand drum set for me, because I'm determined I'm finally going to learn, after 30 years of being told I wasn't allowed to have drums in the house we shared. (I promise, for my neighbours sake, to get practice pads to muffle the sound )

[Fightingback16]

In answer to the question. I believe that if the abuser is not in any pain, no tummy ache, back ache, no one has pissed them off at work, no work stress, no one has looked at them the wrong way, you haven’t done or said anything they don’t like then they are happy and you will probably have a nice time. As nice a time as you can have with a sociopath and as long as none of the above happens and you are hyper vigilant. I don’t necessarily think that they actively reward you. But if they are in control or have done something to-regain control then they are happy. I don’t think they personally know they are anything other then normal to themselves, we are the ones who are not normal.

[Fightingback16]

I had an idea, I told my IDVA that I was scared because I owed him my whole life, without him I was nothing. She understood what I could not, that he hated me.

[namechange12a]

That's what lots of survivors don't expect or anticipate; the level of rage and violence unleashed when they leave.

[Fightingback16]

Which was warranted may I add as a few weeks after I left he tried to break down the door of my mums house with our daughter screaming and terrified. Once the police were called he never came again.

[Fightingback16]

Also why my marac came back as very high risk and the police put a check on my house. At the time I had no idea why, I do now!

[Fightingback16]

The last argument I had with him which is when I scooped up my daughter and ran from my home was became he said he would do something we both would regret if I did that again. All I did was tell him to stop putting used food packaging in the cupboard.

[namechange12a]

The first time my IDVA said to me the only reason he hasn’t hit you is because he didn’t need to

Exactly. This is why leaving and the first year after leaving, is the most dangerous time for the survivor. He's completely lost control now and has nothing to lose.

[Fightingback16]

The first time my IDVA said to me the only reason he hasn’t hit you is because he didn’t need to sent shivers down my spine. He pushed me once 12 years earlier and that was enough.

[namechange12a]

Depends. Although abuse tends to fit a pattern, abusers have different modus operandi.

Abuse tends to escalate in order to regain power and control. Abuse is fundamentally about power and control. You get different types of abusers some are really sick and sadistic.

The cycle of abuse is only a guide and not true for everyone being abused. How much effort an abuser makes and how long it takes before you see beneath the often charming exterior, depends on the victim.

Someone from a dysfunctional household, where they were abused, either via witnessing the abuse or being directly abused, would be far easier to control than someone with strong boundaries. In that case, the abuse may start immediately without a honeymoon period. For some survivors of childhood abuse, love is expressed via abuse because that's all they know. That's the way their brain is wired. They are attracted to abusers because it reminds them of their parents who they are trauma bonded to. Since they've never experienced a loving relationship, they have no idea what one is. Some people from abusive backgrounds actually find healthy, functional people, boring. They're used to the roller coaster of abuse.

Some abusers, because they're misogynists, get off on bringing down confident and assertive women. They will be charming and will get to know her very well. The survivor learns very little about him but he is reflective of everything she wants. She will feel a very strong, intimate connection - her soul mate. Which is all fake. That man doesn't actually exist which she will find out during a relationship milestone such as after marriage or during pregnancy.

If an abuser doesn't have to be violent, he won't. He can easily dominate by using shame or threats. He can undermine her confidence, demean her and lower her self esteem. Humiliate her in public and get friends and family on board so she feels isolated and alone.

They also use crazy making behaviours such as gaslighting which is employed to make her feel as though she's losing grip on reality. He may never be typically abusive. You may have a woman who loves and adores her partner, thinks he's the bees knees and he controls absolutely every aspect of her life. Who she sees, what she wears, who she talks to and for how long, where she works (if he allows her to work). He has never lifted a finger against her or said a bad word but she is completely under his spell. In that case, there is no visible cycle of abuse and he is always 'nice.'

[lyingwanker]

I'm in an abusive relationship and I would describe him as being like a dementor from Harry Potter. He sucks the life and soul out of everyone to make himself feel or look better. He needs to take other peoples good qualities to try and pass them off as his own and that's how he chooses his victims, he chooses people with the personality or morals that he himself lacks so that he can impersonate them. He is like a black hole, waiting to be filled by everyone else's goodness. However, he doesn't just want the positive interactions, he seems to feed more on the negative ones and sets things up to cause it

[OhioOhioOhio]

NettleTea

That is an amazing post. Totally helped me. Very well written. Thank you.

[NettleTea]

its the boiling frog analogy too. You dont notice the small things, you get gradually trained to put them foremost in every thought, you cannot see the bigger picture because you are constantly too tied up worrying about the minutae.
and often we who have suffered abuse have not been equipt by our parents to have self confidence withing personal relationships. We often do well in our jobs or in our friendships, but there has been something from way way back that has meant that we have taken on beliefs about ourselves, our ability to have our voices have equal value, or needs to deserve to be met, and often seen subtle or coercice abuse as normal. So we can be pretty well enmeshed or co-dependant before we realise how bad things are.
Its often not even our parent's fault. They are playing out the traumas of their own bad bits of parenting and, as we rarely analyse our own or other family dynamics, we just dont know whats normal and healthy.
This isnt to say its our fault, or that we were responsible for being abused. We were not - the choices to act in such a way to another human being, who they supposedly claim to love, lies firmly at the feet of those who dish out the abuse. They are faulty themselves, but unless they own it and do a hell of a lot of work to address it, it doesnt excuse the abuse, and certainly isnt the responsibility of the abused to 'fix' them.
As someone upthread said, they are looking for someone that reflects well on them, so someone strong, bright, successfull, popular, sexy, something that shows they are successful to have such a partner. But actually they are not emotionally secure enough to actually handle the individuality of someone like that. They are too needy, too lacking in their own self worth, too jealous and resentful. They want someone good looking, but as soon as they have them, they fear that they will be whisked away by another man. They want someone successful, but then they start to see their success as somehow showing them up as failures. They want someone who earns money (not too much) but they also want a stay at home housewife who's whole life is focussed on facilitating their life.

They dont see people as anything other than bit parts in the story of their life, which is why they cannot cope when we have lives or ideas of their own. They are charming and fun while everything is going well, while its going the way THEY want it to be going. Its as if they expect a whole relationship to play out as the best holiday romance, but once the realities of life kick in, thats when it will start to go wrong.
Maybe that point is moving in together and expecting him to take on his share of the bills and housework.
Maybe that is having a child and the focus is off him, and you are not as free to be his fun partner as you were.
Perhaps its his job stress and he is cross and takes it out on you. Or an argument that makes you drop off the pedastal and he realises you are just human after all. Perhaps you want to do something different to him. Perhaps the kids have gone to school and you want to get back to work.
Im not entirely sure that it is always concious. That they think 'oh today we will have a good day and that will pull her back in' Someone spoke of them living in the moment, and yes, I think thats true. Living in the moment, emotional instability, a belief that your role is to support them, a hugely fragile ego and, despite seeming the opposite a really poor self image of themselves which needs to be hidden at all costs.

We are charmed by what we think they are. And often they seem to have a knack for finding us - they seem to look as if they may fill the hole that was missing in childhood - the bit of us that wasnt quite formed properly from our own hangups - but this is because they are good at mirroring our wants. They will try this with a whole range of women, but those who have learned how to spot the red flags, who have seen the tiny pushes of boundaries, wont give them the time of day. They play on the facts that we have been taught to 'be nice' and to always consider others feelings. Not bad qualities in themselves, but need to be balanced with whether the recipient of our kindness deserves it.
Its why I would always suggest counselling after life with an abuser, and something like the freedom programme. To see why we didnt spot the flags, because they were there. And to shore up our barriers against getting entangled with one again, whichever method they employ.

[Spinachfinger]

True OP. I could have walked away. But I stayed because I believed in the old mantra that if someone is worth fighting for, you dont give up on them. What that saying doesn't teach you is that it can come with a hefty cost. I was young and pretty naive. I knew what he was doing wasn't right. And yet I thought that if I could make him see I'm not out to hurt him we would be ok. Older self now would run for the fucking hills if it happened again. Not least before showing them up to be the twat they are though.

[WhoamI83]

It’s funny we seem to live in a society where a crime is the fault of the victim, she was too weak, too sensitive, she was asking for it, she was dressed to provocative.

[WhoamI83]

Very lucky indeed!

It’s like being burgled. If you are lucky your parents gave you good coping skills so that you put defensive measures on your house, perhaps an alarm to warn you of intruders. Some parents like mine weaken your defensive measures, like leaving the back door unlocked so the burglar got in undetected, they are crafty! Some pretend to be repair men so you let them in the front door, however this is a disguise. Once they are in they change the locks, change the decor, don’t allow anyone else in. However it happens, alarm or no alarm it’s still a crime!

[Spinachfinger]

@LikeDuhWhatever the thing with abuse is it can be hard to spot at first. I say this because when you first encounter it, it catches you off guard. It is inconceivable that it just happened. And why?? Because people who are normal and non abusive judge the person who does the abusing by their own standards.

"I wouldn't do a thing like that, surely they just didn't" - that kind of mentality. Also being a normal person, you try to show you're partner you are willing to consider their feelings and you find ways to either a) rationalise their behaviour or b) fix your own so you don't offend again as you want to be a nice, considerate, good partner or c) a combo of both. The first time it happens can be a shock to the system. It blindsides you.

Then, the abuser knows it has you in his/her trap. They deploy different techniques for different scenarios. No two scenarios are ever the same so you don't know it is coming. You can be doing something normal and innocent. The abuser will look for ways to make you pay for 'it'. The abuser resorts to methods such as shouting, swearing, threats, intimidation. Or financial control. Or isolating you from friends or family. Or putting you down and belittling you and playing on your insecurities. Or the silent treatment. Or sexual abuse. Or physical abuse.

Eventually you get to a point that you don't know exactly WHAT is coming, but you are always on your guard waiting for the next thing. And it sure as hell comes and seemingly out of nowhere. It could be about anything and nothing. The abuser is always in a heightened state of being on the look out for things to throw at you. I'm not sure they know they are doing it. As time goes on, you become numb to it but also modify your behaviours so much that become unrecognisable to yourself. It is hard to leave, that's why so many stay longer than they should and often go back to their abusers.

If you've never been through it, you can't possibly know what it is like. Your are lucky.

[WhoamI83]

The last ever argument with him I told him I can’t live like this anymore. He was busy doing something for me, cleaning my car (which in all the years he’s never done), I told him that it isn’t going to work, I’m not changing my mind. He threw all the cleaning stuff at me and told me to get out the house and threatened my life!!!

[WhoamI83]

Urgh the niceness was always so obvious. “Look I’ve done the washing up for you”...oh great!

[Colourmeclear]

The thing with abuse is that the consequences for standing up for yourself, not tolerating the awful behaviour or setting boundaries are too great. It wears you down at the exact same time that someone is gaslighting you, telling you your oversensitive and you can't trust your own interpretation of what's acceptable to you.

My ex would be lovely to try and initiate sex and then tell to f off if I turned him down. The disingenuous niceness was more upsetting then the anger at being refused.

[OhioOhioOhio]

Omg the amount of times I heard, 'I would just...' or 'I would have.' It's so much more complicated than just walking away.

[Lolapusht]

@YgritteSnow

You don't know what you're talking about *@LikeDuhWhatever*. You don't understand abuse and coercive control. You think you're bringing common sense to the thread but the people who do understand are just rolling their eyes at your ignorance.

Well said! Not everyone understands abuse and that’s fine BUT please don’t hop on threads like this and trot out your “I wouldn’t put up with it”...”just leave”...”you’re encouraging it”...”that’s not abuse”. It helps no-one a d is fantastically thoughtless. Some people on these pages have suffered horrendous abuse or are unaware that they are being abused and the last thing they need is to read abuse-denying bile.

[OhioOhioOhio]

The cycle of abuse was helpful to read. Thank you.

[WhoamI83]

I think I get it. When I hear the word abuse I always think about the end part, the hitting or put downs etc. But the whole thing is abuse, when they are nice they are playing it’s all part of the deal. They don’t love you then one day hate you, they hate you all the time and pretend to love you sometimes or reward you or whatever their distorted minds think.

[NearlyGranny]

WhoamI, I'm so glad you got out!

I highly recommend 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft. Whatever could usefully read it, too.