Don't know what to do

[sitckmansladylove]

Nothing serious really but dh and I are married 10 years. Things are happy and ok but life is mainly all about the dc. That's fine. We get on well but are different in that dh is a non drinker. Careful with money and quiet. I am quiet but like to 'live' a bit. Dh likes going to church his hobbies and so on. When we married it wasn't what I really expected. He was always visiting his parents and we never really had much fun I suppose. We did go on a holiday or two. At times I get very upset by stuff and he doesnt really react or seem bothered. Which makes it worse.

His mother is very quiet and passive and just gets on with life. I am quietly determined. Education is important and my career but I have fell into an old fashioned role I suppose (wife work). It's not that particular issue but it's there all the time. I don't feel overly happy and tonight I said to him I don't know what to think about it all (life / us) and he said he feels the same but what to you.. do life is like that.

So I left quietly and now don't know where this leaves us. I don't want to go home.

I can't tell anyone in real life. I am heartbroken.

.

I'm so sorry that I have nothing to say in advice, I just didn't want to read and run. So sorry OP 💐

Thank You fairydust. I have been in my car 3 hours. No one has called.

I'm not sure you can sit in your car all night.

Can you go home and discuss it with him?

He does sound very passive

In just really struggling with it all

That sounds very sad. Do you want to try and make things work with him? Is there something to save? I divorced 18 months ago. It’s a bit scary but I’m far happier to be not in a sad relationship.

It hasn't been all bad by any means. I'm home and he hasn't even asked where I was. Sadly I just think we will plod along. If I bring things up he will think I am trying to start a row. I am not trying to start a row but something inside me had changed. I don't want to live like this but I see the mess separation can cause.

Do you have children?

What would happen if you booked a holiday / weekend away / meal out for you both.

Was he saying he was unhappy too?

Could you plan a series of weekends where you did something together - walks / coffee / drink.

I have suggested that and he said he likes us all going out together (young dc not at tantrum stage but still not really the same as going out together).
I don't want to cause a mess for the dc. I'm really upset. He's watching Netflix and hasn't asked where I was. I am not an attention seeking person but the dc were very badly behaved this evening I did the dinner and bath and all. It is our wedding anniversary

he didnt call you for 3 hours. he doesnt talk much to you. i think he is waiting you to go. he doesnt want to do it himself.

your wedding anniversary and he behaves like this?

OP this is so sad. Why didn’t you go out for dinner for your wedding anniversary? Is he just not bothered about making an effort?

I know it’s a lot to consider and ending your marriage will take a considerable amount of effort and fallout but you can’t live your life unhappy like this. It sounds like your DC are quite young so they may not even remember life before, better to do it now than when they get older and life gets more complicated.

I feel like I started it by saying ' I don't know what to make of it all' can remember the exact words i said but something like what is the point and i also said his strategy was lazy parenting and he said neither do I.
He seems to be enjoying the series he is watching anyway.

i cant make sense of your last post.

Sorry I must have cut the post by mistake. Basically we have talked and he thinks it's all out of proportion and thought I had gone late night shopping. I have said I am happy to be alone with the dc and he thinks I have blown all problems out of proportion. As it is I am going to quietly do less. Be less available and look out for myself more.

Ok I'm going to say you can't live like this. It's a living death x

And if love to put more detail in but I'm with friends and not sober
Life can be FUN. It should be. And yuck on the wedding anniversary behaviour. Awful.

I wish I was with friends and not sober .. enjoy your night. I have a lot of thinking to do. A little bit of me wants to book into an air bnb or something and try and get some time to think. Dh really cannot understand wants wrong.

You really deserve more than this. You get one chance at life - don’t spend it in misery and boredom.

Thank You all so much. I have been on mumsnet for many years and it's been a true friend to me. I will gather my thoughts. Dh is now saying he loves me and the dc missed him while I was gone. It's a bit late and a bit sheepish. I was crying and told him I was less lonely when I lived in my flat alone. The fact it was a special occasion made it much worse.

Op, I'm sorry. You sound so sad.

Your H's comments seem to only have come out when you pushed it. That's no partnership.

Can you take yourself off for a couple of days?

I couldn't put up with this either and if he's not willing to change you'll need to seriously consider leaving. The pp description of a living death is apt I think.

How are you feeling this morning?

Thank You
He has changed a good bit since we married and become more outgoing in ways but the covid has put a stop to nights out. Now he is saying we can go out earlier in the evening with the dc. I spelt it out to him that it's not want other couples do and they have nights out just the two of them.
I'm really hurt I was out for 3 hours and he knew I was crying before I left and he didn't even ring. I won't be cooking anymore for a while for him. I will be less available. I will do more for myself. I told him last night I learned a huge lesson and was less lonely being single than I do now. He thinks it's just a bad day. But something inside me has changed. Ite not true love is it?

It's

True love is in Disney films. Having kids is hard work and turns even the sweetest romance into the mundanity of the daily grind.

In our society we women sacrifice so much, 90% of the home management and parenting is done by us, we have no time to think, no time to ourselves, we sacrifice our careers, social life, hobbies, mental health etc we lose ourselves in it all.

Generally speaking not much changes for men, children end up being our responsibility on top of knowing where the plasters and bin bags are etc Men don't realise that they aren't actually that useful. When I divorced my husband and became a single parent it was easier than being with him because although I had to be the one that always put the bins out, I didn't have to worry about him and wash his socks and answer his questions of "what's for tea?".

If your DH can't understand what's going on for you, or dismisses you then that's not good.

If he can accept what you're going through and support you then you can get through this and come out the other side.