Don't know what to do

[sitckmansladylove]

Nothing serious really but dh and I are married 10 years. Things are happy and ok but life is mainly all about the dc. That's fine. We get on well but are different in that dh is a non drinker. Careful with money and quiet. I am quiet but like to 'live' a bit. Dh likes going to church his hobbies and so on. When we married it wasn't what I really expected. He was always visiting his parents and we never really had much fun I suppose. We did go on a holiday or two. At times I get very upset by stuff and he doesnt really react or seem bothered. Which makes it worse.

His mother is very quiet and passive and just gets on with life. I am quietly determined. Education is important and my career but I have fell into an old fashioned role I suppose (wife work). It's not that particular issue but it's there all the time. I don't feel overly happy and tonight I said to him I don't know what to think about it all (life / us) and he said he feels the same but what to you.. do life is like that.

So I left quietly and now don't know where this leaves us. I don't want to go home.

What do you want him to do differently?

To be honest, I'm not surprised he doesn't see what the problem is, because I don't either. So far I've got that you want to go out more and that this is making you feel lonely (which put like that doesn't actually make sense).

Do you want him to take on more responsibility for household tasks? Do you want him to talk to you more? - you don't have to leave the house to do this, by the way. Do you want him to be more spontaneously romantic (a cuddle when you come in, little gifts, bringing you tea in bed)?

Or do you just, actually, want some time when you're not having to think about the children at all?

I want to be appreciated and not just have to ask to be appreciated. He comes from work dinner is on the table. My job is better paid so things are equal that way. I do all the discipline and hard jobs where as he comes in from work and no responsibility. I didn't want to be in the house last night pretending everything is ok. It is like he acts stupid sometimes just to have less mental load. If that makes sense. I am going to try and work at it as I have a sibling as does he who is in a marriage that ended and it's very very nasty. I don't want that for the dc.

Yes I want to go out as a couple without the children. I have been stuck with the dc since early March with no break and he doesnt think we need to go out as a couple that he works all week and likes to go out as a family.

That to me isn't being a relationship but a mum 24/7

I've just had enough and I am bored of it all. I have an hour today to myself and going to make the most of it. I know dh would love me to spend my free time with my mil and be a quiet little woman who just I'd there being so 'good' and I don't want to be good anymore

Don't be good! Fuck that shit as I like to say!

Don't cook, or do extra mum stuff. Get hobbies (sociable ones not quilting or whatever), get in touch with friends and arrange girls nights. Fortunately as he hates going out so much he will always be available to stay home with the children.

Start to live like a normal person and he just lives how he wants. You may even be able to get away on a holiday (obviously Covid dependant) for solo travelers which are a great laugh. I did a gulet (boat trip) around turkey and it was fab! Lovely food, great socialising, sitting under the stars at night and jumping off the boat into stunning sea in the day. There are never many men anyway on those so as a married woman it's fine.

And decline his 'kind' invite to go out and eat with children at 6pm 🙄🙄🙄. You don't need to be sitting there watching the fun people arrive at 8 just as you go home.

Men don't understand words but they do understand action - and if he doesn't then you'll be living more or less how you want anyway. Sure you want it with him but that's not going to happen either way.

That is very wise advice cranberry. When we met he was really kind in ways and I did fall for him but ended it due to wanting different things. He was happy to call around to mine for tea while I was still clubbing and going abroad. Several years later we met up again and I was at a stage where I wanted to settle down and I always wanted him. He took me out loads went on mini breaks abroad and proposed abroad so he is capable of being romantic when he wants. I fully intend to put myself first.

There is no life in your relationship..no passion, no emotion, nothing. I'd be bored stiff too and wouldn't want my kids to see that as an example of a relationship- they will end up being like your DH is too.

So he's happy going to work, coming home to his dinner, then watching Netflix for hours, visitinghis mum onyour day off. While you are working, shopping, cooking, caring for kids and house. No wonder he doesn't see the problem! I suspect that lockdown is highlighting these unequal relationships in loads of homes. So, we can hope that things will improve when our outside social lives pick up again and maybe that will be enough for us, or decide that no, it's not good enough, and we are better off out of it.
He needs to see the problem before he will be willing to change, OP. Maybe he is willing to. But sadly, he sounds far too cosy with things as they are.

Things have become a bit stale and other people’s lives always look more appealing don’t they. They make you feel like you’re missing out.
He needs to make more of an effort instead of just sleep walking through life. But maybe you do too. Sit down split the mundane things we need to do in life. Let him make the tea a few nights a week. Tell him what you want. Maybe a marriage counsellor would help. My one bit of advice is the grass always looks greener but it very rarely is. Don’t give up until you’ve both really tried x

We had a chat there again and he was more concerned how were dc and how they were today. It is good he's like that but I said we need more time together and adult stuff but he said again he likes to spend his free time with them. So that's that. He did say we can arrange something ourselves. If dcs misbehave when we are out he says 'Ah they are only being normal 4 and 5 year olds'. He just thinks I am in a mood I think.

I know no one has it perfect and when I read posts on here about how some women are treated it upsets me. It's not like that. It's just I don't want to waste my life.

So he's happy going to work, coming home to his dinner, then watching Netflix for hours, visitinghis mum onyour day off. While you are working, shopping, cooking, caring for kids and house.

Oh is he now? Well that's got to change. I suggest you tell him that you have plans for your days off and not to make his own plans that involve you staying home - he can take the kids to his mum if he wants to visit.

It's one thing for him to want to stay home and be boring - but he can't impose that on you. You get out and live your life and in the background do things like set up emergency babysitters so if he leaves you with the kids you dont have to cancel plans. Take babysitting money out of his food money and give him beans on toast.

Then I suggest you get on the phone and start arranging to meet friends for drinks outside - it's summer and everywhere has outside seating now! You are probably way behind on life basics like summer cocktails/drinks and need to catch up!

Just saw your last posts.

Please no more chats. They don't work. All that happens is you think you are 'doing something' and you're not. He's not going to inconvenience himself and he is what he is.

I went out with one like this and his unwillingness to go out really killed us. Our first two dates were massively fun and late and he loved them. But by date three he was saying things like it think we drink too much' so we had our next date at a cinema watching a boring film. Men believe what they believe and will only change if they HAVE to.

Just enjoy your life and I suspect that you will decide 50/50 custody and not doing his housework is actually easier. You can have the divorce you want it doesn't have to be messy and nasty.

He isnt right for you. This is no way to live. An amicable split is better than years of resentment. Leave him.

I just can't bear it. But I have been here before and then things improve. We have visitors later (his side of family) and don't feel like putting on a show. Also he cooker his own dinner. I just give up. He is acting like nothing happened.

He married someone who acts/behaves like his mother........and you need to show him that you're NOT!

He is learning. I didn't get stuff in for the visitors so he made a mad dash for the shop after I reminded him. Things will change- I am determined to make them change. I feel I am being horrible but that's how I feel.

You are not being horrible - you are doing him a massive favour. Currently he's no use to anyone.

Would you spoil a child and allow them to act like an entitled selfish arsehole? No. The only way he's going to pull his socks up is if you keep the pressure on - as in no talking. And have your own life so, sure, but if what he's offering is better then great! But only while he's offering it

You are always free for a lovely night out and always busy for drudgery. And never think it's over - this is an ongoing situation so be comfortable and stop feeling bad!!!

To me it seems at least partially like an introvert-extrovert issue. You say he likes to go to church and his hobbies while you like "to live". I "live" most if I can be at home alone reading a book and going out is my hell. So I don't think he wants to "live" less, he just has different ideas of what's fun.

The "dinner on the table when he gets home" is a different issue. Why didn't you share housework from the start?

Yes he is very much and introvert and doesn't do 'drama'. I am also introverted but I do need to experience stuff and get out (more than he does. He is happy at the gardening)

Whats your life like outside of your marriage and children. Do you have a hobby? How often do you see friends?

I have a meaningful career and worker hard to get where I am but socially don't have much outside the home. I have old friends but not many that I would go out with really. I don't really have the friendships I used to have since I married. Things drifter after I had dc close in age and they we still single. I do need to work on having more hobbies and time outside the house but covid had put a stop to the big of me time I used to have.

Yeah its difficult now.

I think creating a satisfying life outside of your marriage and family helps in less direct ways. Like if you're generally happier I feel like its easier to get what you want out of your marriage. Also having a fulfilling life outside of family and marriage will show your husband that your time is valuable and so he will have to...for want of a better way of putting it...book time in with you.

I think when you're not so available to him and your family he may see that he needs to initiate doing stuff with you.

I have today off so I am going to enjoy it. Yes when we met I used to go off travelling and girls weekends away and I know for a fact he had to make a point of booking a foreign weekend for us as otherwise I would be away for mid term or working all summer (tefl). Now I am taken very much for granted. I spoke to him very franly last night that things are changing. He had to cook his own dinner last night and tonight too. Maybe tomorrow....
I will organised cofee and wine with friends again. I am in a rut too. He did say he loves us going out together as a family so I explained that things will get stale if we don't go out as a couple. He just doesnt get it. He just looked confused

Frankly

As others have said op, start to do things just for you. Just because he's happy only doing stuff as a family, doesn't mean you have to. Get some hobbies, see your friends, even do things with the dc on your own, and of course you can do stuff as a family. It doesn't make you a bad personality or parent to want these things. I also think it's important your dc see you having hobbies and friends. It's normal.

I'm not sure even doing this will change your mind about your dh, it might even make the rift even bigger, but it should make you feel better.

Good for you re him taking the load of friends coming round, if he invites people, he sorts it. I'd also tell him it's alternative nights to bath and put the kids to bed too. Start enforcing equality with the 'wife work' might make you feel less resentful