Help with finding strength

[Worried1981]

I have posted here a couple of times about my marriage and got some really good advice . My husband is verbally abusive and will swear , call me names and become aggressive during arguments . He has also broken things in anger in front of the DC. I know I need to leave for my children’s sake . My name is on the house although I didn’t contribute towards this . My problem is when I try and discuss separating he becomes angry and tells me I should be prepared for a war . His family are very very wealthy and he could get an expensive lawyer . I am so scared of losing custody of my children . He calls me mental etc and I am not fit to have them . I am currently a stay at home mum and desperately looking fir work . I have been a stay at home mum since my first child was born 8 years ago as DH works long hours and I do all the childcare . Lockdown has been horrendous . Please could someone advise me how much a good family solicitor is likely to cost ? Given he is going to make things very difficult . Thanks so much for any advice .

He is demanding I put 50/50 in writing but said he won’t do 50/50, it’s just so he can give me a lower settlement . I am trying to get a job in education so I can work around them.. I am so worried now , how likely would he get it ? I want to shelter the kids from his anger .. he can get very shouty and say horrible things to my son ..

Yes he wants 50 5O as he thinks he will then not have to pay you maintenance .

If you are primary carer then he would have to argue why it would change to 50:50.

If in reality he has them for fewer nights then at least you can claim for maintenance. This is why you need a shit hot lawyer that has proven success against abusive husbands.

You refuse 50:50 and fight for as much equity split as you can get.

He is saying he is working at home now ( due to covid ) . He has been at home since March and hasn’t once got up with the kids or picked the kids up from school .. or did any home schooling or cooked etc but suddenly wants to have 50/50 written in agreement even though practically he doesn’t want to do it .. we have rarely gone on holiday and I have done every single school holiday by myself . It’s actually shocking

@ Worried1981

It doesn't matter what he wants, you don't agree to anything. You see a solicitor and the solicitor argues your case.

Agree to nothing without your solicitors advice !

The fact that he is working from home does NOT mean that he could do 50/50 parenting.

Would he get up and get them breakfasted, school lunch packed and then take them to school ?

If they are unwell, would he take a day off to care for them? Or organize and take them to dentist appointments ? What about bank holidays ? Or school trips? Or sports/ hobby clubs ? Sleepovers ? Parties ?

I'm assuming that's a big fat no ?

Make an appointment ( lots are doing online appointments rather than face to face) with a solicitor to start the ball rolling, and take it from there. Make sure the solicitor specializes in divorces etc. Maybe you know someone who could recommend a good one ?

Hi OP,

I just wanted to say you have shown such strength and courage in dealing with this awful man. He is clearly doing everything he can to undermine you, make you think it’s all your fault, that you have mental health difficulties when you don’t and verbally abuse you.
Keep going just as you are and don’t let his narcissistic nonsense derail you in any way.

I’m glad you have legal advice and make sure you let the solicitor know about his request for 50/50 which is totally unreasonable. He does literally nothing for the children and has no idea about their daily routine. Don’t let him bully you just because it would suit him financially.
Continue to keep a record of all his verbal abuse and unreasonable behaviour.
Have you managed to get copies of all the family assets for the solicitor? Mortgage and bank statements, pensions and such like? Be prepared for the fact he will try and squirrel away as much as he can.
Do you have friends or family you can confide in? You really need good support around you.
I wish you the best of luck going forward.

Thank you both for your posts .My solicitor has received a letter from his Solicitor regarding the petition, he is saying that he disagrees with all of the unreasonable behaviour and wants any reference to aggressive behaviour taken out . And also a paragraph about breaking things in anger removed . His letter made it sound like I am the unreasonable one and the tone has created unnecessary tension . It’s so frustrating after all the abuse I have put up with from him and now I am made it feel like the unreasonable one ! Anyone been through this and what would you do ? Thanks !

My XH was similar and I sent him the petition paragraph first for him to 'agree'. I ended up editing it/toning it down as much as I could so he would agree to it whilst still being strong enough for the court to agree to the divorce. Was a fine line but at the end of the day, it didn't really matter what the petition says as no one else will see it, as long as he signed it. He did write a comment on it that he disagreed with what had been written but he still signed it and it went through. My solicitor said he had never had anyone write a comment but still sign. I think there were lots of firsts that he saw with my XH!

Thanks. Do they use the petition for the arrangements of children ? I would like to shelter them from 50/50 due to his temper when stressed with work . He is no doubt going to get very angry again if I don’t change the wording or delete the paragraph he has requested !

@ Worried1981

Get your solicitors advice about the wording and whether or not it could affect his chances of 50/50.

I'd be inclined to say don't do it if it will bolster his chances with custody, even if it means you have to wait longer for the divorce because he contests it.

Remember, it doesn't matter if he's ''upset'' about the wording really. He's going to argue with anything that makes him look ''bad'' to others. But you know the truth, and so does he ! He just doesn't want everyone else to know. Well, tough shit!

Your Dc and yourself are your only priorities, whatever he does, says or thinks is not. Rely on your solicitor for factual advice about the wording.