Help with finding strength

[Worried1981]

I have posted here a couple of times about my marriage and got some really good advice . My husband is verbally abusive and will swear , call me names and become aggressive during arguments . He has also broken things in anger in front of the DC. I know I need to leave for my children’s sake . My name is on the house although I didn’t contribute towards this . My problem is when I try and discuss separating he becomes angry and tells me I should be prepared for a war . His family are very very wealthy and he could get an expensive lawyer . I am so scared of losing custody of my children . He calls me mental etc and I am not fit to have them . I am currently a stay at home mum and desperately looking fir work . I have been a stay at home mum since my first child was born 8 years ago as DH works long hours and I do all the childcare . Lockdown has been horrendous . Please could someone advise me how much a good family solicitor is likely to cost ? Given he is going to make things very difficult . Thanks so much for any advice .

I wonder if he is stalling for time so he can fabricate the illusion that he does more with/for the DC So he can go for 50/50. What was your solicitors take on this?

Yes I have often thought this. I am unstable but fine to look after the children and take them away on my own over the holidays !
Well today he is out all day and I am with the kids so who knows ! He isn’t in hurry to get up with them.
He is being almost civil which is really odd . I think he will definitely try and get the unreasonable behaviour changed as that will annoy him . It makes me feel guilty then he is calm ... thanks for all the advice x

Keep going ! Reading with interest here . Take no heed of his threats . I've been exactly where you are and I done it ! It was hard but trust me it's worse living with someone like that 🙄 he won't get the kids that's classic narcissistic manipulation xxxx
Go you ! ❤️

Definitely have a secret phone (a £10 phone with a pay as you go SIM which you can buy at most supermarkets) hidden.

Never tell him you're ''going to'' do anything. (Tell him after you've done it if you must.)

Tell your family/ friends/ neighbours that your H is abusive so that you have people checking on your welfare.

You are not pathetic, you are strong, brave and courageous.
Keep yourself and your DC safe by following the excellent advice you've received on MN.

Yes he stalling for an ulterior motive so crack on with serving it.

My thoughts would be trying to obtain 50:50 residency so you get less money and no maintenance, the other thought is hiding money/assets you don't know about or changing his work contract.

He won't get 50/50 ! He's an abusive bastard !
Mine wanted full custody ... it was just another way of trying to control me.
You are so brave ... hats off to you!
Keep going ... one foot in front of the other .. don't stop ... you will get there. It's such a testing time ... but it will pass xx

Thanks all, I appreciate all the help .What would I do without mumsnet ! He is self employed so it makes it more complicated. 🙄

@ Worried1981

Just letting you know I'm thinking about you and hoping you and your DC are all OK.

Is your H still calm ? Is he still living with you ? How are the DC coping ?

Update when and if you can.

Sending virtual hugs, tea and strength to you.

Ah thank you for thinking of me . He is still living with us, there is no way he will leave !
His mum is coming to visit the kids tomorrow so I asked him if she knew about the situation and he said no and told me to go away and I will hear from his solicitor , nice ! I have no idea what he is planning ! It’s very hard .

So the anger is really coming out now . He told me I was disgusting for ruining everyone and I am mental for doing this and the petition makes him sound like a threat to the kids ( the solicitor commented about the children’s well being ) so anxious 😟

Hi @Worried1981 ,

Glad to hear that you are all OK and that the divorce is progressing via solicitors.

Of course he's worried that the petition makes him sound dangerous, that's because he is ! So remember to keep safe at all times, and if in doubt/ scared, phone the police!

If he tries to pretend everything is 'fine' when his DM is there, would you feel safe enough to 'let the cat out of the bag ?' If so, it's maybe worth doing so that he sees there's definitely no way you'll be changing your mind.

How is the saving up going ?

Remember, if you have enough money available for a deposit and 1st months rent, you don't have to wait to get divorced before you leave him, you can apply straight away for housing benefit and universal credit. The divorce can then continue without you having to be scared of his reaction to things. It'd be much calmer and safer for you all, so give it some thought ?

And remember, you didn't ruin your marriage he did !

Keep safe and well and update if you want to/ can.

Sending hugs and strength

I wouldn’t want to tell her in front of the children, I also I feel like it’s his place to tell her . He did have a face like thunder whenever I spoke , it was very uncomfortable. I am not going to be there next time she comes .
The latest is he said if I get ‘help’ and still feel the same he will divorce . He will not accept his verbal abuse even though he is still doing it now !And he shows no remorse about anything. He gaslights me so much . He said he wants the words changing in the petition - fine if that’s what it takes ...He said how I was disgusting and make him want vomit !
People say I shouldn’t leave the family home and I am probably going to need the money as he also said he was taking me to court ...
thank you for your advice .. sorry if this doesn’t make sense , it’s been a stressful day ...
Thanks again

Hi!
It's incredibly stressful and you are doing really well! Doesn't matter what he says ... why is he bothered about the language used in the petition ? It's just another pathetic attempt to coerce and control. Please don't leave the family home ... see if you can get him out. if you or your children feel even a smidgen of danger , call the police and get him out. He's annoyed because he's no longer calling the shots ! It will honestly be ok , I promise ... I've been there and I'm at the absolute tail end now , final order most likely to be granted tmrw with regards to child residence ... the children that he kidnapped from me ! ! You will get there too, stay strong and be kind to yourself. You are not going mad ...it may seem like it , but you are not. This is probably the most rational you've been in a while ... it's a big step but keep putting one foot in front of the other xx

Don't leave the kids with him. I have seen two women on the news who did this , because they could not bear the ex any longer and thought they could get the kids later. They ended up losing custody.

Let him take you to court ! The court takes childrens matters very seriously , he is abusive ! Funny how he's forgotten that ! They all suddenly become fathers of the year in these situations !

Bloody hell, I sympathise! I would say call GP for anxiety meds and make sure you tell them why, i.e. because your husband threatens to take away the kids. This is so that there is a record of threats and abuse. Additionally, you can call police if you don't feel safe in your own home - as simple as that. Calling police can be scary but in the long run helpful.

Re petition particulars, less than 1% of divorce cases are contested so if you initiate the process and send the petition it's quite unlikely that it will be contested. However if there is domestic abuse in particulars then he might have no choice but to contest it because abuse will then matter in child arrangements / custody discussions so he will not want to admit any abuse willingly.

Call Women's Aid for advice, regularly.

You are doing really well x

I don't think it matters what you wrote he will delay and contest it. If you have proof/evidence of what was written press on with it.

I am having such a terrible time with him . So he must think I was born yesterday . He told me he wants 50/50 now he is working at home ( even though he does nothing apart from the bath for ten minutes) but said practically it doesn’t have to be 50/50 but he wants it written formally as 50/50! And he kept saying I am lucky I am getting half the house as it’s his .

Sorry out with kids so trying to multitask. Hope that makes sense x

If he wants 50/50, then I'd recommend having kids for 1 week at yours, then 1 week at his.

If he decides to do EOW, or weekends only, then the weekend starts from 9am friday to 3pm monday, so he still has to do school drop offs on monday and pick ups on friday as well as be responsible for having the kids at those days and times during holidays and bank holidays too.

Also means that if kids are sick on his days, then it's his responsibility to take time off work, not yours.

Get your solicitor to have this agreed and in writing, as many Dad's say they want 50/50 parenting just so they do not have to pay child maintenance.

The advice from others who've gone through this is usually to go for a bigger settlement now rather than the promise of money later, as many skip out of paying later on (when they have a new girlfriend or leave their job etc) and it's much harder to get the money later as they 'duck and dive' rather than pay it.

but said practically it doesn’t have to be 50/50 but he wants it written formally as 50/50

Quelle surprise.

@ Worried1981

Read this thread and you will get a ton of very useful advice from other MNers who have been through the same thing as you.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3997388-Last-week-I-told-DH-I-want-a-divorce

I hope this helps you. Sending strength and hugs to you x

Thank you both ! Honestly he doesn’t even know what they have for breakfast! He gets up at 9am most days ... he must be doing it for finance reasons if he is telling me practically it doesn’t have to be 50/50..

Just correct him "the house is ours.

50:50 means alternating weeks but you won't do that will you so let's just be realistic it will be EOW won't it.

If it's 50:50 you would be more likely to only get 50% of the house and no maintenance.

Have you spoken to woman's aid and rights of women?