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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help with finding strength

110 replies

Worried1981 · 05/08/2020 20:07

I have posted here a couple of times about my marriage and got some really good advice . My husband is verbally abusive and will swear , call me names and become aggressive during arguments . He has also broken things in anger in front of the DC. I know I need to leave for my children’s sake . My name is on the house although I didn’t contribute towards this . My problem is when I try and discuss separating he becomes angry and tells me I should be prepared for a war . His family are very very wealthy and he could get an expensive lawyer . I am so scared of losing custody of my children . He calls me mental etc and I am not fit to have them . I am currently a stay at home mum and desperately looking fir work . I have been a stay at home mum since my first child was born 8 years ago as DH works long hours and I do all the childcare . Lockdown has been horrendous . Please could someone advise me how much a good family solicitor is likely to cost ? Given he is going to make things very difficult . Thanks so much for any advice .

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pog100 · 09/08/2020 21:55

Just keep coming on here. People are amazingly supportive and understand how you feel. It's just important that you carry on realising that your feelings are really important and don't let him scare him out of what you need to do. You will do it.

Original poster

Worried1981 · 10/08/2020 10:30

Thank you . My gp is calling me at 2pm so I will pop out so I can speak to her in private . I think it will help to talk it all through . I think telling me I am mentally unwell is a way to mess up my head . A few months ago he even said I need sectioning ! He was quite happy for me to look after the children from 630an until bedtime but I needed sectioning apparently .

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crunchiebabe · 10/08/2020 10:48

Please try not to worry too much. They always say we are mad ! My one did too! We are only " mad" because we don't put up with their crap.

Original poster

Worried1981 · 10/08/2020 11:26

It’s shocking isn’t it 😥

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Dontforgetyourbrolly · 10/08/2020 11:29

Dont tell him , just do it .
Get as many friends and family around you as possible.
He wont take the kids , they all say that , it's an idle threat . They are not going to turn into super dad after being lazy shits all these years !

Original poster

Worried1981 · 10/08/2020 19:01

Thanks again . I had a telephone appointment with my gp and she was very helpful . I also had a chat with a solicitor who seems very good and switched on . It all feels very scary but I have to remember why I am going doing it .

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Original poster

Worried1981 · 12/08/2020 19:45

So I have started the process with a solicitor this week . Yesterday, I felt very sad and guilty but then I reminded myself of the reasons why I need to do this . I really don’t know if I should tell him or just instruct the solicitor to send him a letter ...

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crunchiebabe · 12/08/2020 20:43

Just be prepared for his reaction .... if he kicks off ... call the police immediately.
Well done , you are extremely brave. This is the first of many steps to a new and happier life. It is daunting at first .... but you will get there. I'm almost at the end of a gruelling 18 month period ... feeling strong and happy. You will too

crunchiebabe · 12/08/2020 20:46

Also ... he will try all sorts , mudi will be slung at you ... you will develop a Teflon exterior and you will cope with it. The real him will come out during proceedings! My ex showed the real him to me , my children our family and friends ... and I'm so glad to be rid. There will be huge highs and lows ... but you will get through it !

Original poster

Worried1981 · 12/08/2020 21:00

Thank you . That is reassuring . I am so glad you are happy after what must have been 18 months of stress. I got an estimate for the cost today ! 😮 I hope I have enough money to cover it . The only reason I can go ahead is that I won a claim from the bank that he has no idea about ... I will probably have to tell him ..

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crunchiebabe · 12/08/2020 21:14

Have a budget in mind . My ex tried to cripple me financially and would send me numerous letters via solicitors sometimes on a daily basis .... only answer the ones you need to and ignore the ones that don't need a reply. You will steer the case .... take advice from solicitors , discuss... but steer the case yourself . I did it , so can you ! Don't be scared ... take a deep breath ...you've already taken the biggest plunge of your life ... it'll get worse and then better and worse again before being better for ever xxx

crunchiebabe · 12/08/2020 21:15

And you don't " have " to tell him anything. He's no longer a friend ....

Original poster

Worried1981 · 12/08/2020 21:27

Thank you so much , I have a feeling he will be the same and be very difficult. My solicitor said that if he gets legal advice they will tell him to not contest the divorce so I am hoping he sees sense . I feel so sad when I think of taking my children out of their nice house and I worry how I will cope financially. I do have a dream about taking them on holiday and being free of him. I never enjoyed holidays with him and have bad memories of every single one 😥

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Perdigal · 12/08/2020 21:36

Don't leave him with the kids. A man like that will do anything to win so it becomes a battle.
Visit your GP to get some professional documentation. Take the children's and your passport. Photograph some financial documents.
You'll need evidence of abuse. A close relative went through this - the children come first with a divorce including financially. You can also get a good solicitor (get a partner in a law firm) as payment could be out of of the final settlement if you can prove some wealth but check this
first. Def call women's aid, the act of leaving is the most dangerous part so be aware of that.
Good luck and have faith with the courts - your children won't be taken away - you will be financially provided for as they come first not you x

Perdigal · 12/08/2020 21:38

Don't get a job if you are planning to leave - much better to be completely financially reliant on him !! I may be corrected here but stay with what the "norm" has been too. You can do all of that after the divorce and also it may be quite stressful anyway

crunchiebabe · 12/08/2020 23:07

The courts tend to look at the childrens' best interest ... you may not need to move, I didn't and my ex was adamant on selling the family home. There are ways to avoid or delay it , your solicitor will help. This is the biggest fight of your life , get those boxing gloves on and don't be intimidated, it doesn't matter what he thinks , says or wants anymore . You will cope financially ... I did ... things always work out for the best. The alternative is staying in this miserable and abusive situation. You are going to be absolutely fine ... believe me. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd ever have to go through it ... it was hard , I cried .... but I fought and it made me realise my strength. He is now the enemy and it is likely that he will not be amenable .... don't give up .., and fight him back !! It's scary ... but you can do it

crunchiebabe · 13/08/2020 03:28

Also ....
Do think about applying for a non molestation order... there is guidance online about how to do this . You need a non molestation as you and the children need court protection from his abusive behaviour , particularly his coercive control. What are the childrens' ages ?

Original poster

Worried1981 · 13/08/2020 18:30

Thanks again , your posts are really helping me . The children are 8 and 5. I have received the draft letter from the solicitor today and the e form . I am feeling so anxious and having difficulty sleeping . I hope I can stay strong . I am taking the kids away for a few days next week and I was wondering if I should tell him just before I go via email . That way the kids won’t hear any anger and maybe he will have two days to calm down .

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crunchiebabe · 13/08/2020 19:48

I'm concerned that you are worried about his response .....sounds like his reaction could be unpredictable and that is worrying and not just because you have young children.
Might be an idea to either have back up in the form of a friend or family member if possible. Please keep your phone charged at all times and do not hesitate to call 999 if you need, that's what the Police are there for, to protect us. They should come out quickly if you do call, I had to call them twice and 3 police cars were at my house within minutes.
Can you DM me ?

Daftapath · 14/08/2020 00:31

Do you have access to joint or your own savings?

Original poster

Worried1981 · 14/08/2020 08:03

I have a joint card that I use for food etc . I came into some unexpected money recently which is why I can see a solicitor , he doesn’t know I have it . I was thinking of withdrawing cash each week so I have enough money in an emergency . I did want to book the children a holiday for next year , something to look forward to after all this but I guess I can’t as he is about to receive divorce papers . Can anyone advise ? He will always have money to take them away but I will probably struggle . Thanks for all the help x

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Daftapath · 14/08/2020 08:40

I would be withdrawing as much as you can get away with each day and then a large sum just before he receives divorce papers. Pay it into an account that he cannot access. He will be cutting you off asap, I imagine.

Do not tell him about the money you received recently. Although, you will need to declare all finances, savings, debts, pensions, etc on your Form E. Is it in an account that he cannot access?

Original poster

Worried1981 · 14/08/2020 08:46

Thank you . Will it look bad if I buy a holiday for kids ? Although I may need it for legal fees if it goes over estimate . Yes ,it’s in my personal bank account . It was like a godsend as I was feeling very trapped with no money and job to do anything about my situation. I am full of mixed emotions today , I feel very sad I am breaking up the family but I feel I have to do it for the children . I imagine my mother in law will start kicking off soon as well

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Daftapath · 14/08/2020 09:06

I personally wouldn't use the money for anything yet. Hopefully you can get him out of the house with an occupation order if he kicks off but I would want the money in reserve. Can you pay the bills on the house if he stopped, for example. Having just come out the other end of a long (and very expensive) divorce, I would say, get as much cash in reserve as you can now because I expect that you will need it.

Does he earn a salary/self employed? Can you find a payslip? Once you separate, you can apply via cms if he won't pay maintenance.

Original poster

Worried1981 · 14/08/2020 09:15

Thanks , I will do that . I can’t afford the bills on my own as I was job hunting before the virus . I will try and save as much cash as I can now . He is self employed and usually earns a good wage but he hasn’t had as much work due to the virus . He never discloses any info to me and I have no idea about debt 😥

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