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Original poster

Does having a baby ever help love to develop?

78 replies

Henriettala · 05/08/2020 16:28

I’m in the dog house for telling my long time best friend not to have a baby with someone she has been in an ‘on off’ relationship with.

She’s been seeing him every few months for the last year. She’s said they’ve talked about kids and so she thinks it’s a way to solidify then and bring them together and that the on off thing was more about distance than anything else 🤔 I said absolutely it wouldn’t bring them closer and they wouldn’t magically get along and be in love just because of a baby.

Cue silence from here for the last 48 hours. The longest we haven’t spoken :(

OP posts:
Notverybright · 05/08/2020 16:30

It’s possible I suppose, though the opposite frequently happens. Did she ask for your opinion, or did you just tell her?

netflixismysidehustle · 05/08/2020 16:31

Band aid babies don't work as band aids.

Having a baby puts a relationship through the ringer. Even the strongest relationships are tested before they get better.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/08/2020 16:33

No. Having a baby is very stressful and anyone who does it to attempt to save a relationship is a fool.

Original poster
Henriettala · 05/08/2020 16:33

She asked what I thought. I asked if they were in love, she said no. So I said she would be better finding someone where the relationship was secure and loving from the outset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Henriettala · 05/08/2020 16:34

...I don’t have kids though so I guess who am I to say!

OP posts:
ButterflyWitch · 05/08/2020 16:36

Omg no, exactly the opposite

Fucket · 05/08/2020 16:36

It sounds romantic doesn’t it, but no, anyone who has ever had a baby will tell you that Endless months of sleep deprivation with an infant that quite literally demands you take care of it’s every need 24 hours a day, Is not conducive to fixing a failing a relationship.

namechangebunny · 05/08/2020 16:37

@netflixismysidehustle

Band aid babies don't work as band aids.

Having a baby puts a relationship through the ringer. Even the strongest relationships are tested before they get better.

Exactly what this poster said.

If she's said they're not love @Henriettala I am not sure why she is upset?

Original poster
Henriettala · 05/08/2020 16:38

She thinks the fact they are not totally in love and in the thick of romance that it would work and THEN love would develop. Presumably because there’s no expectations of each other or no memory of how it used to be between them, so they’d just get on with it?!

OP posts:
sunshinesupermum · 05/08/2020 16:39

No it most definitely doesn't lead to love. If anything the responsibility of having a child when they are not already on the same page will lead to massive problems down the line.

Original poster
Henriettala · 05/08/2020 16:41

Her response to that was that they weren’t unhappy and that they got on very well. He is also a very very sincere sort of guy (I can vouch for this having met him) and he would take parenting seriously. She’s right about that so guess it wouldn’t be the worst move.

Just wish she’d not asked my opinion or that I had said i had no view on it!

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/08/2020 16:46

You gave her your honest opinion, OP, and it wasn’t what she wanted to hear so she’s upset.
I’d give her some time to get over it and then text her...it’s not your fault she didn’t like your opinion!

Poppyismyfavourite · 05/08/2020 17:12

"Never give unsolicited advice, the wise man doesn't need it, and the foolish man never takes it"

  • can't remember who said that but seems apt
Original poster
Henriettala · 05/08/2020 17:13

One to remember!!

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 05/08/2020 20:39

She is completely disillusioned if she thinks that a baby will bring them together.

SarahBellam · 05/08/2020 20:52

God no, the opposite. Ideally, you’d bring a baby into a relationship that is rock solid, because it will get tested to the limit if the baby is a poor sleeper or eater or gets colicky or a hundred and one other things. Teething, reaction to jabs, picking up endless colds, puking...God, the list goes on forever. A baby is a full time job and then some. I adore my children, but I’m glad they’re not babies anymore, and my exDH was fully hands on and engaged (and still is), and at the time we were in a mature happy relationship. It was still really hard.

hammeringinmyhead · 05/08/2020 20:57

Er - no. DH and I had been together 14 years when DS was born and the teamwork required to maintain your relationship alongside looking after a newborn, on broken sleep, is immense.

NameChange564738 · 05/08/2020 20:58

Fuck No.. just no.

The hormones, the DAMN HORMONES.. The absolute lack of dignity and privacy that bringing a tiny human into the world means.

I do not know how anyone can do that with an on/off and/or new partner.

Having him staring at your vulva as the oceans part for the miracle to appear.. having assistance to pee because it bastard stings.. leaking nipples through your top as you cry for the 5th time that day.. also everything is their fault because oh THE DAMN HORMONES.

mindutopia · 05/08/2020 21:23

I honestly can't think of anything that would put someone off someone they are not 100% sure of faster. Dh and I were the most solid people you could imagine before we had dc. We still are very solid now. But the early years were very touch and go. We literally had had about 4 arguments ever in all the years before we had our first. It was very easy. But having children is seriously hard. Like in a rip you apart and you have to put yourself back together way. It's so hard. Our relationship is very happy now because we put so much work in and had a great foundation. It would never have been that way if it had always been a bit shitty to begin with.

Some people do very well having babies with people they know they won't have a long term relationship with and that's fine. As long as you know that's what you're signing up for.

DBML · 05/08/2020 22:09

Oh dear God no.
My husband and I have a very loving and committed relationship and even then, a child was extremely stressful and probably caused all of the arguments we’ve ever had. From about 0-4 was incredibly hard work. I’m fact we chose not to have any more after that!!!!! If a relationship is not particularly good, a child is more likely to bring it to a resounding end.

Original poster
Henriettala · 05/08/2020 22:13

Her opinion is that as they are still in the early stages of a relationship that it has a better change of being successful and they’re on their best behaviour around one another...

Who knows. I’m certainly staying out of it but makes me feel better to know others share my view! Still haven’t heard from her. Might text tomorrow

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 05/08/2020 22:20

I would have bitch slapped her.
Or asked her if she was on crack.

Seriously, how dare she consider bringing a child into her fake ass relationship?

Dont text her. Shes a friggin weirdo.

backseatcookers · 05/08/2020 22:44

@Henriettala

Her opinion is that as they are still in the early stages of a relationship that it has a better change of being successful and they’re on their best behaviour around one another...

Who knows. I’m certainly staying out of it but makes me feel better to know others share my view! Still haven’t heard from her. Might text tomorrow

If nothing else she sounds far too immature to have a child. Jesus wept.
Yeahnahmum · 05/08/2020 22:54

Babies don't unify. They do the opposite . Your friend is not ythinking clearly. .. you are right . Your response might have been a bit too cold hence the radio silence

Original poster
Henriettala · 05/08/2020 22:57

I was surprised she had even suggested it. I guess it’s true some people do make it work for instance after a one night stand etc but generally I stand by what I think. Going to text her tomorrow I hate the silence

OP posts: