Does having a baby ever help love to develop?

[Henriettala]

I’m in the dog house for telling my long time best friend not to have a baby with someone she has been in an ‘on off’ relationship with.

She’s been seeing him every few months for the last year. She’s said they’ve talked about kids and so she thinks it’s a way to solidify then and bring them together and that the on off thing was more about distance than anything else 🤔 I said absolutely it wouldn’t bring them closer and they wouldn’t magically get along and be in love just because of a baby.

Cue silence from here for the last 48 hours. The longest we haven’t spoken :(

Well to take yourself question by itself, I think my DH and I are closer since we had dc. And I disagree that you have to be with your perfect soul mate to cope with dc. I think couples who are super in love and have that intense romantic honeymoon type relationship, sometimes cope worse with having dc. They seem so upset at how the relationship has changed, people with a more down to earth relationship don't feel that way.

But having a baby to bring you closer to someone? Err no. If your friend is of normal intelligence she can't possibly believe this. Sounds like she wants a baby and is using that as an excuse, to head off concerns from friends about why she is choosing to have a child in an off again on again relationship. Usually the excuse is "it was an accident" so at least she is trying something new.

She’s been reading too much chick lit. Not going to end well.

They get on very well as friends it’s just the love element she hopes will grow.

I agree though, much better starting off in love

No. Absolutely I would say to anyone that your marriage/ relationship needs to be absolutely rock solid before having children. Any cracks are split into wide open chasms by having children.

Your friend really isn't thinking straight. She'll just end up having shared contact with her child with someone she doesn't really like and who doesn't really like her. It's not a happy place to be. Or he'll just walk entirely leaving her to parent alone. I really don't think there is any good outcome for anyone here.

She likes him a lot, they get on wel as friends. He wouldn’t leave his child, not in a million years... so she knows she would have that security if she wanted it. But as I said, it means a life most likely without love

@Alongcameacat
having a child with somebody will most likely bring them together and solidify a joint future
has told me he doesn’t and has never loved her, he will never leave as he is afraid he will lose their child
Yeah, your story actually shows that in no way did having a child bring them together. Other than they live in the same physical space. Like people in prisons do.
Has he even bothered to look into the fact that he would almost certainly get 50/50 custody? Is he still thinking it will be every second weekend?

She is completely disillusioned if she thinks that a baby will bring them together.

deluded not disillusioned. brain fail.

@Henriettala a life most likely without love

Or, more likely, a life where she discovers love with someone else, whilst tied to him, and the humongous resentment of not being able to pursue this - fed by the stress, hard work, putting your needs aside and sleepless nights - pushes her into not thinking clearly and feeling she’s entitled to have an affair.

Look on these boards. People have strong, unwanted crushes all the time. Even when with people they do love. Usually these are during times of immense stress such as dealing with a small kid. Do the math.

So let me see if I've got this straight.

hey aren't even in an exclusive relationship, or they are in a LDR, because they only see one another 'every few months'. They 'get on well as friends', but even your delusional friend recognises they're not in love. Nonetheless they have discussed having children together, because that's obviously what you do with occasional shags. She thinks that because he's 'sincere', he would never leave his child (in itself a fairly deluded presumption, based on the relative numbers of female single parents and male single parents), and this is why she wants to have a baby with him, because she thinks it will make him fall in love with her and stay with her, because he wouldn't abandon his baby.

Right.

50/50 enforced parenting is devastating so my advice would be don't risk it happening as much as possible! My kids were just 3 and 6 when the courts made the epic fail of 50/50 with my vile ex-husband. I was still bf'ing at the time and was primary carer.
They are now 10 and 13 and my eldest "hates" me because of dad's influence. Ex is taking me to court yet again for futher custody. Can't afford to buy even though both fiance and I work; still in rented as legal fees (from divorce settlement) currently at around £40k and rising. Zero maintenance due or anything from my extremely wealthy ex.
Birthdays and Christmases without my kids still hurt beyond words. As does being called an effing c* for the fifth time on a day by son. I have always acted on their best interests but yet I am the one son has been turned against.
I have a 10 week-old daughter with my fiancé now, but that doesn't mean I miss my boys any less

helloareyouthere He doesn’t want 50/50 access. He isn’t in love but on balance is happy with the situation he is in. He does not regret his child at all. The child has been the making of him. All three of them have an enviable lifestyle. There are plenty of marriages where love is non existent. If love dies. It is hard. If love was never there, it is a more practical arrangement. You only have to read the relationship threads to see that there are many many marriages that amble along amicably without passion .

If he wasn't that keen before, why does she think less sex, less sleep, less money, less free time, potentially less control over her pelvis floor and more weight gain and responsibilities would make the situation more appealing?

All three of them have an enviable lifestyle

I wouldn't envy someone in their situation, it sounds empty and hollow and forced. They could be healthy coparents modelling healthy relationship behaviours rather than teaching a child that a relationship looks like theirs - so the child won't grow up thinking couples should be kind, affectionate, laugh loads together, be excited about the same things, lift each other up... I know everyone is different but I don't envy them at all. I feel a bit sorry for them and more so for their child when it comes to what they're learning about relationships.

The thing is, women wanting a baby can be like men wanting a shag: They'll tell themselves any old shit to justify what they've already decided to do simply because it's what they want.

Your friend is completely wrong, but I suspect she already knows that, and you have little to gain from arguing the point with her.

@Alongcameacat

helloareyouthere He doesn’t want 50/50 access. He isn’t in love but on balance is happy with the situation he is in. He does not regret his child at all. The child has been the making of him. All three of them have an enviable lifestyle. There are plenty of marriages where love is non existent. If love dies. It is hard. If love was never there, it is a more practical arrangement. You only have to read the relationship threads to see that there are many many marriages that amble along amicably without passion .

You’re making the mistake of equating passion with love. Many, many marriages do lose the passion of the early years - it’s caused by hormones that wear off so it’s inevitable - but that doesn’t mean there isn’t love.

TossACoinToYerWitcher

What is ‘love’ between adults though? Co living, shared experiences, companionship in a very nice home, without money problems, good health are all enviable. I will never buy into the ‘poor but in love’ romantic spin some people put on it.

Nobody has a perfect life or a perfect relationship. Some might think they do and then the rug is pulled out from underneath them and they are in shock that they aren’t as loved as they thought. It is ok to weigh up the benefits of the arrangement and enter with both eyes wide open. The mother of the child is from a wealthy background herself. She wanted a certain status as did he but she isn’t tied to him financially. They are two people who ticked each other’s boxes. Maybe one day he will realise he is very fond of her. He doesn’t dislike her. Without the child though, they wouldn’t be together.

she thinks it’s a way to solidify then and bring them together

Depends on what she defines as "bring them together". If she means physically and financially, family court hearings and CMS child maintenance will certainly achieve that.

She's a fool who will ruin her life and that of a baby. Hopefully she'll take your advice to heart and heed it.

FifteenToes
The thing is, women wanting a baby can be like men wanting a shag: They'll tell themselves any old shit to justify what they've already decided to do simply because it's what they want.

Yep, this is true.

God no!

I think babies can make a relationship better BUT only if that relationship is already established and strong! My husband and I for example have been even closer since the birth of DD in June but we already had a rock solid relationship (not to say there weren't odd disagreements as in any relationship) but personally don't think Band aid babies work and it's unfortunately the child that suffers the most.

More the opposite, IME.

Is he aware of this conversation? Is she plotting to make him a parent and her long term lover / soul mate?

Did the “talking about kids” cover this?

How old are you all? You sound v young and naive - because if you had any significant peer experience of parenting you wouldn’t need to ask the Q.

People have romantic ideas of “babies” - cute, cuddly, portable...... often don’t think about moody teenagers, demanding toddlers and challenging children and their associated costs in terms of time, money and emotional energy investment - which is significant.

The stats - significant percentage split up in first year of baby’s life, another amount first 5 years, have twins or a child with additional needs, stats for breakups are much worse.

women that want babies, based on my friend cohort at least often talk themselves into making the relationship fit.

If they both agree to have a child and co parent fair enough. But she’s totally naive thinking it will make him fall in love with her. Sleep deprivation, piles, leaky boobs, dirty nappies, teething, and a colicky baby are not the stuff of romance novels. It’s really not what she sees on insta.

I found having DS very difficult. He's 8 months now and I'm starting to feel like I might know what's going on. I had/have pretty bad PND and anxiety. It really pushed us at points until I got my medication sorted. If we hadn't had a solid basis I don't think we would have made it.