re:second pregnancy same partner,wants another abortion

[Katyoc29]

So my partner and I have been together nearly two years,I am a 3rd year mental health nursing student living at home with my mother and he lived with me for about a year but has recently gone back home to look after his sick mother so right now we are long distance.I have an underactive thyroid and so tried several birth control pills but didnt react well to any of them.My partner didnt want to wear condoms.I tracked my cycle and was using the calendar method as contraception.The first time we got pregnant my partner was saying beforehand he wouldnt mind falling pregnant though it was only about 5 months into the relationship.When it happened he began dissociating completely and ultimately even though it was against my wishes we went to terminate.This was at about 5 weeks pregnant but ever since I've regretted it.I never went to counselling and my partner got on with things like it didnt affcet it as much as it did me.Fast forward to the present day I've found out im pregnant again and my partner again is pushing termination as the best option.He had tried pushing marriage as some sort of consolation prize for the loss of our child.Bare in mind im about 8 weeks now.He has hiw own issues going on as well as this whereby his childhood traumas are coming back to haunt him.His father left when he was young and he had an abusive stepfather.So I have realised far too late my partner is not long term material and before i get harsh responses for being irresponsible we all fall in love and do stupid things when in love.I am looking for peoples experiences being single mothers and whether it worked out for you as I do think my partner isnt going to be in the picture or if anyone had similar experiences they faced.Much appreciated and again please don't be too harsh I'm already hormonal and dealing with all of this by myself because i haven't told anyone.

Dump him.

Decide if you want to be a single parent: can you afford it? do you have support from family? can you keep living with your mum for the time being? can you finish your degree before the baby arrives so you can line up/find a good position in your field?

Please get some form of contraception the coil, the injection, implant or condoms tracking you're periods is clearly not working, so sound youth and naive, he sounds like a lover you've almost at the end of youre degree.

How old are you?
Do you have some money behind you?
Do you earn well enough to support a baby and everything that goes with it?
What will happen to your career if you have a baby on your own?
Is your mum supportive of your decision either way?
Is she OK to have a baby in her house?

Big hugs for having to go through this alone!

I’m not a single mum so I can’t really give you advice from that point of view. However, although you say you’re hormonal (totally get that...I’m 25 weeks), you seem in a good head space and thinking clearly to me. You’ve obviously worked out that your boyfriend isn’t that much of a catch (knows you’re struggling with your own contentives, refuses to wear a condom and then can’t deal with the consequences -what a guy! ) and to me, it’s come across in your post that you want to keep this child. I guess now you just need to think about the steps you need to start taking to make your transition to single mother as easy as possible, if this is the path you take.

Good luck 🥰

I am 29 years old and its my final year of nursing,unfortunately my mum wasn't supportive the last time I told her about the first pregnancy.I know its easy for some of you to call me naiive and stupid but clearly love and being told by your partner they wanted this can all blind you.I do see myself as quite financially capable with a few thousand saved but its just the idea of raising a child without a father,ive always been told having both parents in the picture was important for the childs sake.Even though I grew up with parents who stayed together but hated one another.They fought all the time and slept in different beds.In all of this I've thought of nothing but the potential baby involved whereas my partner has only talked about himself or how he feels.Though I am all over the place with hormones and my own feelings I am pushing everything aside to think about this baby this child,what would be fair to them for them.It doesn't matter what I want or I think it matters about them.

It doesn't matter what I want or I think it matters about them.

Of course it matters since you're the one living with the decision. The child won't know any different.

Personally I wouldn't have a child in these circumstances (no home, no job, no partner) but I also wouldn't have used completely ineffective contraception, which implies you want a child.

@MrsTerryPratchett so I tried using various methods of contraception while he didn't try any not even once?why does it always fall on women to have to use contraception?I actually went to my doctor and asked about the non hormonal coil aswell and she said because of not having delivered my cervix was intact and therefore the coil wouldnt work..so yes i tried various methods while my partner not even once wanted to use anything saying condoms didnt "feel good"
i do have finances behind me ill be earning money from my nursing internship this year and so i am capable not to mention i have a couple thousand saved.Im simply worried about the affect on my child of having one parent instead of two,id also have family support i have a big family so just because i would have to leave my mum's that doesnt mean id have no home,I have a sister,4 brothers or a an aunt who would be happy to let me stay with them

@Katyoc29 ...it falls on the woman to have to use contraception, because she's the one who can get pregnant? If he doesn't want to use a condom, fine, he doesn't have to. You don't have to let him stick his dick in you!

If you are going to keep this baby, which i wouldnt suggest seeing as you have no home, no support and no job, then i suggest you grow some backbone ASAP.

Well your doctor is talking rubbish. It's much harder to get one put in but I've never had kids and have one. It's a good idea to have some sort of pain control (I used vodka the second time!)

As for being a single mum I wouldn't. But people do and survive.

we all fall in love and do stupid things when in love.

I'd expect that from someone who is about 10 years younger and got themselves in a bit of a mess but not someone who is 29 with a responsible job and who has already been through this once.

I wouldn't keep the baby under these circumstances - you have no home, still studying and a useless partner who is unlikely to stick around. The reasons why you terminated the first pregnancy haven't changed. I wouldn't tie myself to this man unnecessarily

And you really need to stop using your thyroid as an excuse for lack of contraception - your "app" failed once and you still continued to use it and yet you didn't insist on condoms with your partner and lo and behold the "app" has failed again 🤷‍♀️

Yes lots of women are single parents and it's worked out fine for THEM but you don't know the ultimate impact this will have a on a child

Firstly, obviously, he is a selfish arse who needs dumping.

Secondly, the question really isnt the couple of thousand saved, which will disappear quite quickly, it is the actual childcare available. What would your working hours be as a nurse and what would your childcare be? Nurseries are expensive and may be 7am if you're lucky to 6pm.

you’re 29 op come on now

Whatever you do, get rid of mr ‘I’m too special to use a condom and I use abortion as a birth control method’.
I had one experience like this and knew there wouldn’t be a second one, despite mr ‘oh next time we’ll be married’. No. No we won’t. Not happening.
Good luck with whatever you decide about the baby. People make it work. My issue would be having a lifelong tie to someone who didn’t want my child to exist.

What a tough situation - you sound miserable.

Your doctor is plain wrong about the coil not being used in women who haven't had kids. Your partner is a twat for not using condoms, but the female condom is also a option (online only).

You have choices, still; abortion, adoption, or keep the baby and do what you have to do. You dont have a choice on whether this bloke is any use. You can't make your mum be sympathetic. All the decisions are up to you.

In your circumstances I would probably opt for abortion, but perhaps at least find out what your studying/finance/working options are as a single parent. It's a bloody hard road but a lot of women end up treading it and not regretting it.

I tried using various methods of contraception while he didn't try any not even once?why does it always fall on women to have to use contraception?

I wouldn't have sex with anyone who wouldn't use a condom. Certainly not if they'd ever had sex with anyone else and I didn't want to have a child. The responsibility is 100% yours. It's also 100% his. There's no proportion of blame. Everyone is completely responsible.

And as I say, if you want a child, go for it. There are plenty of perfectly happy people with single mums.

Dump the motherfucker.

He knows you can't take the pill for medical reasons. He knows period tracking doesn't work (this is your second pregnancy that way). He knows how upset you were by the first abortion.

But wah wah, boo boo, he doesn't like condoms because they don't feel good.

These are not the actions of a man who loves you. They're not the actions of a man who gives so much as a shiny shit about you.

Leave the bastard and don't look back.

It does sound a little bit like you wanted a baby (I've been in love lots of times but never taken a chance). That's ok, that's your choice (he had a choice too and his was to get you pregnant). He has no say from here on out. Looks like you would have good support and a good job. But only you can make that decision.

He would have worn a condom if the choice was that or no sex.

Withdrawal/calendar method are notoriously unreliable.

The decision is yours as to whether or not you continue this pregnancy but if you choose for the sake of your partner to terminate then you NEED to find an alternative method of contraception that is reliable.

Well, it sounds a miserable situation but surely at the age of 29 you were able to anticipate this coming? You're basically having unprotected sex with a man who has already made it very clear exactly how reliable he is, where he stands with regard to fatherhood and how willing he is to step up and take responsibility.

If you decide to keep the baby, where will you live? (Because staying with a family member is not really a viable solution long term. You'e nearly 30, not a destitute teenager). How will you support yourself and a baby? Will you be able to finish your degree and qualify? How easy will it be to find a job, and will you be able to afford childcare? If you are a single parent, will the baby's father pay his maintenance reliably without quibbling or will you need to get the courts involved?

[quote Katyoc29]@MrsTerryPratchett so I tried using various methods of contraception while he didn't try any not even once?why does it always fall on women to have to use contraception?I actually went to my doctor and asked about the non hormonal coil aswell and she said because of not having delivered my cervix was intact and therefore the coil wouldnt work..so yes i tried various methods while my partner not even once wanted to use anything saying condoms didnt "feel good"
i do have finances behind me ill be earning money from my nursing internship this year and so i am capable not to mention i have a couple thousand saved.Im simply worried about the affect on my child of having one parent instead of two,id also have family support i have a big family so just because i would have to leave my mum's that doesnt mean id have no home,I have a sister,4 brothers or a an aunt who would be happy to let me stay with them[/quote]
That's why you don't have sex with men who won't use a condom you don't just cross your fingers and hope for the best! Why reward him with unfettered sex when he refuses to protect you?

Firstly, the boyfriend needs to be dumped. God knows why you’ve stayed with somebody who has behaviour worse than my primary aged child. The first abortion should have shown you his true colours. Next, you don’t have to have another abortion if you don’t want. You can have the child and put the baby up for adoption? That is an option open to you. I personally wouldn’t have a baby in your position but I also couldn’t go through with an abortion so I’d have to put up for adoption. You need to be independent of your mother before having a child. My sister was a similar age, living at home etc her life has been hard because she’s reliant on our parents. Don’t do that. She’s had no life of her own. Get your degree, earn a salary, get your own house and find a decent partner and then have a baby!

How far are you off from qualifying?
Could you get child care to fit around shifts?
You are 29,you need to gets flat of your own and once you find that you can manage(and you will,) then your confidence will grow.
Kick your boyfriend to the kerb and set your bar a lot higher,be on your own and learnto enjoy it with your child.
You are only 8 weeks so plenty of time to get things moving aiming to be an adult single parent.You need to accept help from others without being dependent on them.

Dump him as he’s not bf potential. Then really think about how you would cope with a baby.

The problem is, before you have a baby it’s impossible to imagine how all encompassing they are. Taking care of a newborn is like being on a conveyor belt where you are constantly needed to fulfil the baby’s requirements. And they have constant requirements. It’s exhausting and you literally get no time to yourself 24/7. You have no freedom at all. Everything is difficult from taking a shower to popping to the shops to sleeping. This does improve gradually as they grow although I personally found the toddler years worse as they move about and get into everything but by then you should hopefully be back to work and they’ll be in nursery. Work will be the easiest thing ever after coping with a baby single handedly.

What would be your living situation? I notice you said your mum wasn’t supportive and you were currently living with her.

If you want to go ahead with the pregnancy after weighing up all the pros and cons then you should. Plenty of women have done it. Maybe see if you can access pregnancy counselling through the GP and contact some single parent charities for practical advice.

If you go ahead will he want to be involved later down the line? This is also something to consider, you will be tied to him for years.

Do you have a job lined up for when your training finishes? If you’re working in a hospital setting many have childcare facilities for the children of staff. Find out what the nursery situation will be at your work, my sister is a midwife and used the hospital nursery which was really lovely and quite reasonable in her hospital. Good luck. If you want to go it alone don’t let anyone talk you out of it. It’s your body and your child too

Dump him never take him back.
Sorry you are going through this.

OP, I’m sorry you’re getting a hard time - I’m certain you know you’ve made a big mistake here, kicking you while you’re down won’t change anything.

I do agree that it’s important to look at the practicalities here - with the role you’re going into, what will your income be, will maternity leave affect when you qualify, how will you access and afford childcare etc etc. These are all really important things to figure out. But get rid of this awful selfish man as a matter of urgency