re:second pregnancy same partner,wants another abortion

[Katyoc29]

So my partner and I have been together nearly two years,I am a 3rd year mental health nursing student living at home with my mother and he lived with me for about a year but has recently gone back home to look after his sick mother so right now we are long distance.I have an underactive thyroid and so tried several birth control pills but didnt react well to any of them.My partner didnt want to wear condoms.I tracked my cycle and was using the calendar method as contraception.The first time we got pregnant my partner was saying beforehand he wouldnt mind falling pregnant though it was only about 5 months into the relationship.When it happened he began dissociating completely and ultimately even though it was against my wishes we went to terminate.This was at about 5 weeks pregnant but ever since I've regretted it.I never went to counselling and my partner got on with things like it didnt affcet it as much as it did me.Fast forward to the present day I've found out im pregnant again and my partner again is pushing termination as the best option.He had tried pushing marriage as some sort of consolation prize for the loss of our child.Bare in mind im about 8 weeks now.He has hiw own issues going on as well as this whereby his childhood traumas are coming back to haunt him.His father left when he was young and he had an abusive stepfather.So I have realised far too late my partner is not long term material and before i get harsh responses for being irresponsible we all fall in love and do stupid things when in love.I am looking for peoples experiences being single mothers and whether it worked out for you as I do think my partner isnt going to be in the picture or if anyone had similar experiences they faced.Much appreciated and again please don't be too harsh I'm already hormonal and dealing with all of this by myself because i haven't told anyone.

I understand your contraception problems, dh and I have used withdrawal for 19 years, have two dc conceived first month of trying and no accidents so it can work. I have hemiplegic migraine so can’t use anything with hormones. We originally used condoms but after two from the same pack split I didn’t trust them again. I chart and we avoid sex during dangerous times all together, use withdrawal the rest of the month. It takes the man to be incredibly controlled which improves with practice. Seen studies that have shown for those that use it perfectly it’s very reliable, 96% effective, if you don’t do it right though only 78% reliable. You’d have to have a reliable partner and yours obviously isn’t.

My gosh OP I’m so sorry about some of the harsher than necessary replies you’ve had so far.

I totally sympathise on the contraceptive struggle I suffer with terrible debilitating migraines and every single contraceptive pill I’ve tried along with other forms have done nothing but make them worse (daily) to the point I couldn’t function, couldn’t go to work, couldn’t drive etc it’s just awful. So after a chat with my doctor having exhausting the lost of things I could take we decided the best course of action was to take nothing at all and I am so much better for it. It does make my sex life with DH a bit more stressful as some planning involved and counting days/keeping an eye on fertility etc but at least I can live life and function for my kids.

So with the above said I’m not going to give your a chastising about contraceptives I’m simply going to ask you what do you want? Do you want the baby? If you do then in you position I would start making plans now. Nine months goes by very quickly and you already 8 weeks in. It can feel like you have loads of time to prepare, but it goes fast so it’s best to get practical about things ASAP.

I know your asking for advice on being a single parent, but the reality of it is that nobody can really tell you what it will feel like. No one can really know what it’s like to have a child until you have one regardless of what people tell you. What I can tell you is that is hard and harder still when you are doing it alone but it is also wonderful too.

For now I would concentrate on thinking about what you want and then how best to practically make that happen. So for you if you plan to continue the pregnancy I’d be figuring out how I’d cope with the final year of your nursing and how any child is going to fit into your life beyond that. What kind of childcare options will be available to you, how much will they cost, where will you live, how do you plan to support yourself, what benefits you may be entitled too. I’d also not complicate your mind with your partners thoughts at the moment, he is some distance away and you already know what he is pushing for. Once you know what you want and what you are going to do, you can inform him of what you’ve decided and he can either support you or not and choose to be involved or not. The only thing I would keep in mind is that given you know what he wants at the moment, don’t make plans in the hope that he will suddenly come around and be all supportive you need to make this decision based on what you want and what you can do for yourself NOT on what you hope he may do now or in the future. You’ve got to count on yourself and be absolutely sure of what it is you want.

Wishing you all the best

I don't think anyone's being harsh to OP.

Some of us are pointing out that her boyfriend is a useless loser and a bit of a shit, and she'd be better of without him.

That's only harsh if you think the appropriate response to this situation is "As Hun but I can see how much u luv him." Which would, frankly, be a bit of a useless response.

Some are these are a bit harsh!!

If I was 29 and wanted a baby I would’ve had a baby.

It better to have happy parents than unhappy together parents.

OP if you feel you can cope and want the baby, then have the baby.

Millions of woman do it singled handily and the children turn out productive members of society.

Good luck with your decision.

I actually went to my doctor and asked about the non hormonal coil aswell and she said because of not having delivered my cervix was intact and therefore the coil wouldnt work

No doctor would say that as it isn't the case and they know it.

I get the contraception thing as I don't get on with most methods myself, but like to think in future I'll insist a bloke wears a condom. The 'rhythm method' isn't reliable.

Hey OP, I hope you’re still reading. Mumsnet Posters can come across as dicks sometimes, forget they’re talking to a person...
You sound like you really want this baby and aren’t fussed about the bloke. I think that’s your answer. I was raised by a single mother, she did a great job but I do have some issues with men as I didn’t meet a safe, kind and intelligent man until I was an adult myself (except one teacher who I formed a really unhealthy attachment to as a child). But we had no support system, money, or housing. It sounds like you could still fill your child’s life with male role models, they’re just as important for girls as they are for boys.
At your age, with your clear preference to keep the child and ditch the bloke, and your secure financial/employment status, I’d go for it.
No one is ready to become a parent for the first time, you think you can read up and speak to parents but nothing prepares you for that shock when your handed a human and told you’re in charge now!

You need to dump him and didnt have sex again without contraception.

You are being irresponsible.

Hope you come to a decision soon that you are comfortable with.

If you have the baby, you will have ties to your loser bf for the next 18 years.

Personally, I wouldn’t bring a baby into your life at this present time. You are just about to start your career that you have been working towards for years. A few thousand in savings isn’t going to go very far when you have to house yourself and be responsible for a child. It’s not your mum’s or aunt’s or anyone else’s responsibility to look after the baby.

Dump boyfriend ASAP. He’s a waste of space.

You are 29. I feel quite devastated by your post. You should have ended the relationship after the first coerced abortion. Abortion isn't birth control n it it feels like you are treating it this way. Whatever you do, the relationship with this man has to be over. You need to talk to your mum and be very open to assess whether she can support you and with what level.

I would not have a child with this man but I would dump him immediately. He is a disgrace.
I guess it's not his body or his emotions that will suffer so he doesn't care.
He doesn't "want" to wear condoms

Just RTFT. Looks like you're in a tough situation. To answer your OP, re: the experiences of single mothers....(and sorry, this will be long!)

I have two children (13 and 6). My oldest was born when I'd just turned 26. Had a degree and job (worked in a hospital lab) by that point, was working but my longterm DP walked in the 3rd trimester. It wasn't easy at all. I went down to part time hours, did some more courses with OU (whilst DC1 was a baby/toddler) to keep my brain ticking over, and juggled parenthood/work etc. When DC1 was 3, I went back to uni and did my nurse training (I'm an RN). I moved back to my parents (I discussed this with them fully beforehand), paid them rent (plus a third of all household bills, and paid for a cleaner for them) etc. Whilst living with them, I was able to live frugally, save some money and complete my training, but believe me it was hard (and that was with their support, and my DC1 being in a nursery).

I had my DC2 when I was married. Sadly now going through divorce (long story), but I will say this: hospital (or most!) shift work is NOT easy when you have to find childcare. There are no places locally that will cover child-care that would enable me to do a 7am-8pm shift on my ward, and my hospital doesn't have onsite childcare facilities. I found a childminder that would do 6:30am-8:30pm at weekends....at £440 per weekend. My children went there for a year (STBXH couldn't look after the DC - again, long story), plus I was paying out £65/day for 2-3 days a week for DC2 in nursery (this was when DC were a lot younger). So during that time, I was paying out more than I earned but felt that keeping my NMC registration was more important. I'm still paying that debt off. It ate through what savings I had.

Now? I'm single, with two DC. My parents are both dead, my STBXH cannot look after the kids (long story, but due to MH, addiction issues and an ABI he's not stable enough to). I'm currently working weird hours to cover the childcare that IS available (and this will get/has got worse due to covid, and fewer childcare places available). If either of my kids are ill, then I can't work. Each year, I have to coordinate my annual leave with the DC school holidays - not always easy.

I miss a lot of things that the kids do at school, I hate that. It makes me feel terrible. Have I managed to make things work? Yes, in the best way that I can, but it isn't always easy, and you have no choice but to make it work. I was able to complete my nurse training only due to the amazing support my parents gave me (doing nursery drop offs/pick ups for my DC1). I'm able to continue working on my ward, only because I have a wonderfully understanding Matron and colleagues (I start later than the others and finish a bit earlier) - this is something that does not happen often. I've worked for the Trust for 22yrs in total, so maybe that counts for something, but I would have been up shit creek if I had less understanding Matron/colleagues. I still feel bloody terrible about that though - I hate feeling like I'm letting the side down by not being there for 7am handover, and I feel awful when I can't go in due to childcare issues. So, I feel like a crap parent for not always being there for the kids (because I have to work), but then I feel like a crap ward sister (because of not being able to work shifts like my colleagues).

Now, I adore my DC and wouldn't change them for the world. They make me try my best everyday, and I love them beyond measure. However(!), parenthood is like a rollercoaster: it's tough, relentless, thankless, unpredictable...but also full of joy, laughter, tears. It can be bloody lonely and isolating as a single parent.

I would urge you to really consider the long term things. Find out about work situation, placement situation, childcare options, costs....and also whether your "D"P would have anything to do with this child (I don't think you can rely on him at all), whether he'd cause problems/not pay maintenance, be a flakey parent, all these things (have a look at some of the threads and posts on here).

Whatever you choose, I wish you all the best. Feel free to PM me if you want.x

If you want the baby focus on the practical. The where can you live long term, childcare, what income you can expect, how much rent is etc.

I know a single mum of 2 kids who is a nurse. Relationship broke down after 2nd child born. Ex pays zero child support, he works cash in hand. Ex also has no contact with kids now, so it's all on her. Not even getting eow is hard. 100% care and financial responsibility is hard. She's had to hire a nanny as conventional child care doesn't work well with working shifts, this is expensive and she's facing years of this expense. Different country, not sure how it works where you are. But if shift work would be involved then you'll probably need a nanny or aupair. Where I live child care subsidies aren't paid for nannies so shift workers bare a much bigger burden of child care costs than those who can use childcare centres.

I read your OP and assumed you were a teenager.

You may be 29, but you don't sound mature enough to have a baby.

You risked your sexual health because the man you're having sex with doesn't like the feel of condoms, really?

Then you continue to have contraceptive free sex, despite having already had a "mistake" pregnancy and an abortion, not being in a secure relationship, not having a home of your own or a steady income.

Part if me hopes this post is a wind-up.

After reading someone say people arnt being harsh to OP, I really think they are. She clearly knows it’s all messed up! We’ve all done stupid stuff because we’ve told ourselves we’re in love- even if we deserve far far more like OP.
OP, if you want this baby, and it sounds like you do- YOU WILL BE FINE. It won’t be easy, it won’t be simple and won’t be the John Lewis advert new baby life you might have been dreaming of- but then again it never is! You’ll get by. You might have to pause your career dreams- but I’m married and been in my career for 10 years and I’ve also had to do that. You do what’s best for you, you love your baby and build a life for the two of you. You’ll be ok x

Whatever you decide to do about the pregnancy, dump the boyfriend.

He is a pig op. If a man doesn't want to wear a condom, you dont have sex with him because he has no respect for you. Considering he made you go through the torment of an abortion and STILL didnt want to jeopardise his pleasure...he is fucking disgusting.

I would not have a child with him. You dont want be tied to the creep your whole life. But whatever happens, dump him.

My ex husband and I split about a month after finding out I was pregnant. It's been over 14 years. No regrets. I've never remarried nor been in any other long term relationships since🤷

He's still a loser btw

I’m glad you have finally realised he’s not the catch you originally thought.

As your boyfriend has refused condoms, I hope you and he both had sexual health checks before having unprotected sex. If not I think it would be a good idea for you to get an std check. I’m not suggesting he has been unfaithful, but if he was happy to have unprotected sex with you he has probably been happy to have unprotected sex with other partners.

In your position I would probably have an abortion so to make a clean break from partner and so I could get into a better position to raise a child.

But only you can answer if you want to go ahead and have the child. Be prepared to have no support from your partner and if your mother isn’t happy you would need to start looking into moving into your own home. You may have to pause your career plans. Would you be able to finish your degree before the baby arrived.
Have a good think about what you want and don’t let your partner talk you into something you don’t want to do

People are harsh OP. Wishing you all the best. Do also consider counselling and adoption. I don’t have personal experience, but my grandma was widowed with 7 kids in the 1950s/60s. It was a different country, different time, money was v tight but with a lot of family support, kids all turned out fine.

I really feel for you finding yourself in this predicament.

As for how it can work as a single parent, you'd find a way. Even without your DM and DP support, you'd manage. I won't say it'd be easy or fun, but you're fit, intelligent and willing and that is enough.

The real issue is would you be able to work at your chosen career when the baby comes..................that is what you'd need to discuss with your DM and any other support network you have. ( I don't include your DP as he has already shown he doesn't want kids and definitely won't help you if you have the baby.)

If you couldn't ( and that's not certain ), you would be on benefits, so your standard of living may well be lower, but that's not to say you couldn't be perfectly happy. You will also be able to claim child support from your DP, which would help you financially ( and which I'm quite sure he'll be furious about)

I'm not sure why other posters are getting at you for being ''naive, irresponsible ''etc. You only relied upon the birth control method you used because of wrong GP advice and your partners insistence, and MN is chock a block with posters who have been either charmed or coerced into situations by partners etc.

Take your time, think about every aspect, and this time, make the right decision for YOU.

YOU chose not to use contraception when YOU had sex...it's YOUR body and YOU are the one who ends pregnant - that's why a woman should always take responsibility for contraception!!!

You should have dumped him when he refused to wear a condom knowing that you can't use any other contraception.

Being in love doesn't automatically equate to being stupid - but for immature, irresponsible people it does.

Some really harsh comments. I think you should keep the baby. It's obvious you want to. Plenty of people raise children alone, and you have a supportive family by the sounds of it.
I have a friend who had her first at age 20 on her own as her boyfriend left her. She is now 35 married and her 15 year old daughter has 2 more half siblings and a wonderful stepfather. She was able to pick up her career later in life and is very successful. Babies aren't all doom and gloom, in fact there is nothing as amazing as having a child, you'll find a way to make it work. Good luck.

I was a single mother at 18. Lived with my mum and dad and found it easier than the second time round with a partner.

Wow some really mean comments! I'm sorry you're going through this OP. My best advice would be find someone you trust to talk to about this, maybe a close friend? Or even a pregnancy charity? Ignore the nasty comments if you can and I wish you all the best with whatever you decide.