Please help - DSis just disclosed awful truth about her relationship -what do we do next?

[ItsGettingLight]

My poor sister has just confessed the dreadful situation she is living in with her partner. I always knew he was an arsehole but had no idea the full extent - he is emotionally, financially and sexually abusive to her.

I need practical advice on how to help her get out. She has told me she wants out, but doesn’t want to tell him until she and the children are all set up somewhere and she can just walk away. She doesn’t know how to make this happen and nor do I, although I know from being on here that it can be done. They aren’t married, he owns the property they live in, they have two children together. We are in Scotland. She works part time and she has told me that she has used an online benefit calculator and thinks she would be OK money wise once out. She has no cash at her disposal at present but we/our parents could help her. She looks after the children apart from during her PT job, which she tries to do during the evenings and overnight so her partner doesn’t have to have the kids on his own too much.

I want to help her leave. Please tell me what we need to do to organise a home and benefits without his knowledge.

Amazing news OP!

(although I am horrified by your DSis staying the night she told him - the break-up time is the most dangerous^ time! She should have left there and then! He could have harmed her badly that night)

Thanks for your wonderful update OP. I remember your thread from before and sometimes found myself wondering did your sister manage to get out. I'm so happy for you and her DC.

Thank you for updating. It sounds like your sister has a brilliant family and I’m so happy she’s managed to set up a home with her children❤️

Wow what a thread. She was so strong and very fortunate to have you guys behind her all the way.

The power of families and power of Mumsnet.

I hope she's happy and settled.

@Bemorechicken

Firstly combine forces. Getting her and the children out with all their stuff if possible is a priority.

So on a day he has work -and is out at 8am. You arrive with 10 friends and family and a van or two and cars and as many boxes as you can find and get before off local FB groups etc and empty the house of her property and the children's including beds, clothes, garage stuff etc. no regrets, take all the children's toys, any plants you want etc anything brought "jointly" eg tv, microwave. all warranties etc -all paperwork. You can always give things back but you won't be allowed back to get more.

Then she needs to ensure she has : photos, passports, banks statements and ID, any baby stuff and stuff from the loft.
Regarding online stuff -change passwords on everything but logging in from a totally different laptop. FB, SM, Bank, School, everything, email -change your passwords. Have a standard letter regarding the situation.
Due to domestic violence, myself and A and B have left the address ..............
We have moved to this adddress on a temporary basis..............
Please do not disclose this to any third party.

Then her solicitor -if she has got her ducks in a row -provides a letter saying due to x,y,z, I am leaving you. Please do not contact me except with regard to contact of the children -and that is the only thing and go via my solicitor at this address. Solicitor needs to file an emergency custody order.

Contact the police AFTER this and report the abuse together with any evidence. At this point ask for a meeting with GP and explain the situation and the sexual abuse etc to the GP, police. Notify schools.

Change the address with the post office for her and the children to divert to your parents. Notify school, dentists, doctor etc of change of address to your parents.

It is possible. I did it. I had friends around me that did not waver, once. I regret sometimes, I left christmas dec in the loft for example -I shouldn't of.

Housing, benefits, you can sort out the next day. Once she is out. This is not a consideration right now. She needs to leave asap. If he gets wind of it, he will escalate.

This is brilliant and mirrors my experience too.

I would just add, if she has any bruises/physical evidence of his abuse she must photograph these and show police, I wish I had done this.

@lorca

Amazing news OP!

(although I am horrified by your DSis staying the night she told him - the break-up time is the most dangerous^ time! She should have left there and then! He could have harmed her badly that night)

This is so true. When i left XH it was because of a breakdown in the marriage not abuse. I'd heard about the point of leaving being the most dangerous time but didn't worry as he wasn't ever a physically violet person.

I had to spend a week in the house after telling him i was going to leave and on day 3 he became physically violent. Perfectly sober. In front of the kids :(

This is a bloke who in the past wouldn't even ask a neighbour to move their wheely bin off our garden for fear of 'causing trouble'

To the posters mentioning him turning violent once she told me, I completely agree. That night was appalling. As I said, my DF and DH stayed outside the house for hours, until her exP left. He decided to stay the night at his mum’s thank god. She had already gone to bed in her DS’s bed and we were in contact with her throughout the night, checking he had not returned.

No amount of begging and pleading would get her to leave. She wanted to conceal the fact it was preplanned and that she had already told her family. She was scared of him being angry about that. If anyone is reading this, I would ask them to leave quickly and safely and not remain in the home any longer than needed.

It is another situation during all of this where we were very lucky.

ItsGettingLight, QueenofmyPrinces, and any others, well done for being super supporters for your sisters.

Agree with Bemorechicken "Firstly combine forces. Getting her and the children out with all their stuff if possible is a priority.

So on a day he has work -and is out at 8am. You arrive with 10 friends and family and a van or two and cars and as many boxes as you can find and get before off local FB groups etc and empty the house of her property and the children's including beds, clothes, garage stuff etc. no regrets, take all the children's toys, any plants you want etc anything brought "jointly" eg tv, microwave. all warranties etc -all paperwork. You can always give things back but you won't be allowed back to get more.

Then she needs to ensure she has : photos, passports, banks statements and ID, any baby stuff and stuff from the loft."

Good advice.

Oh goodness I am sorry, I didn't read your updates, I hadn't see this all started in Aug. Well done OP.

Strong people around you is so important and integral to the success of leaving. Like your sister, it took me a while with the knowledge of my family to plan - and I didn't have kids or any mortgage to sort.

My tiny mother lent me her strength when I would have caved. She and Dad came to my apartment when he was at work and cleared everything belonging to me or that I had paid for (which was a good chunk of the household stuff) I mean everything.

I can still remember her fierce face holding up a tin opener and telling me in no uncertain terms that as I paid for the damn thing, it was coming with us and me being terrified at his anger even knowing I'd be long gone when he realised he had nothing to open his beans. I swear if I had paid for floor boards she'd have ripped them up to bring with us rather than let the fucker walk on them one more time.

I can laugh now at those moments of black comedic absurdity during a very scary time, because I healed wonderfully with the help of family and therapy.

I wish your sister that same healing.

Laiste I am so sorry, well done for getting out.

Thank you for updating with a success story. I'm so glad your sister got out safely and is doing well now.

@ItsGettingLight

Thank you all.

Yes she did manage to set up a home of her own. She stayed with my parents for two months and managed to arrange benefits and my DH found a private rental for her close to all of us. We managed to get her DC into the school my DC attend. Again, so much luck, they are out of zone but there was space and it has helped us massively in being able to share childcare between us. She kept her evening job and one of us family looks after her DC while she does this.

What's the situation between her ex and the children now?