Please help - DSis just disclosed awful truth about her relationship -what do we do next?

[ItsGettingLight]

My poor sister has just confessed the dreadful situation she is living in with her partner. I always knew he was an arsehole but had no idea the full extent - he is emotionally, financially and sexually abusive to her.

I need practical advice on how to help her get out. She has told me she wants out, but doesn’t want to tell him until she and the children are all set up somewhere and she can just walk away. She doesn’t know how to make this happen and nor do I, although I know from being on here that it can be done. They aren’t married, he owns the property they live in, they have two children together. We are in Scotland. She works part time and she has told me that she has used an online benefit calculator and thinks she would be OK money wise once out. She has no cash at her disposal at present but we/our parents could help her. She looks after the children apart from during her PT job, which she tries to do during the evenings and overnight so her partner doesn’t have to have the kids on his own too much.

I want to help her leave. Please tell me what we need to do to organise a home and benefits without his knowledge.

Good for her and good wishes for her future.

It is very sobering to realise how much more difficult it would be for others without the support your sister luckily had.
Financial
Emotional
Practical
Any of those missing would be difficult. All three must be horrendous.

I remember your thread really happy to hear your sister got out

This is the best thing I’ve seen all day. I’m so glad for your sister and your whole family. Also, that she has a sister like you ♥️

When I was plannning on leaving my abusive ex I did the Freedom Programme, organised my benefits, found a flat to rent, got furniture from Freecycle, organised the move etc (I took DDs to lots of 'playgroups' during that time lol). I then told him on the Monday I was moving out on the Friday and I left. That first night alone with my DDs was wonderful. I only had £146 to my name, that I had been secretly saving up and hiding in a book I knew he would never read.

It can be done.

Woops sorry, I didn't realise this was an old thread and I posted before I'd read all your posts OP. I am so glad it all worked out.

Well done!

Please stay vigilant though.

And please keep watch over the children, because they will be damaged by what they experienced. They will need some good men in their lives as mentors.

Does your Dsis have a therapist to help her? It's very likely that she has PTSD or cPTSD.

Lovely update.

Well done. So glad she's free.

What an awesome sister that brave woman has.

Could you help her out with money while she gets out? Help her find a house/flat, pay the deposit and first months rent? Act as guarantor. Get her somewhere to go so she can just move

Thank goodness your dsis is out.

From reading your comments I’m scared she will minimise after this and back track what she said last night.

This happens sometimes. Leaving is scarey, no-one is abusive 24/7 and there will be spells where she will think things are ok. If that happens, all you can do is make sure that she knows that the minute she feels differently, you will be ready to help her. A colleague of mine once worked with a family for 3 years, the mother nearly left 4 or 5 times before she felt strong enough to actually make the break.

DA saps the victim's will and sense of agency, it's heartbreaking, but trying to make them leave before they're ready often makes them more entrenched in the situation.

My colleague, who had an incredible track record with DV cases, just used to accept their change of heart and say, every time, "Just remember, if ever things change and you want to leave, I will help you".

I really feel for her, and it must be awful for you to know that your DSis and children are going through this.

@ItsGettingLight

I think I’ve read things in the past about being careful about staying with relatives as this could affect emerita and/or eligibility for council housing. Can anyone tell me if this is right?

It wouldn't in England but may be different in Scotland.

In England, being homeless because you are fleeing DA means the council has a duty to house you.

@WoofWoofMooWoof

Woops sorry, I didn't realise this was an old thread and I posted before I'd read all your posts OP. I am so glad it all worked out.

Me too.

Great outcome though, you and your DSis did really well.

Thank you op for sharing that update.

@Hubstar I’m so sorry no one helped your dm and you.

Brilliant update. So pleased your sister is safe. Well done to her and all your family who helped her.

I didn't see the original post first time around, but what an amazingly heartwarming update. I'm so happy for your sister. And so pleased that you and your family were able to help her be free.

She really really needs to contact women’s aid for professional advice because any advice you get from somewhere else although well meaning could unintentionally put her in harm’s way. Women’s aid are there for exactly this.
But no if she stays with relatives, they can all share a room or even camp out in a living room that would not affect her getting a council house because it is not a long term solution and the family don’t have to allow them to stay there forever (especially if they own their house) I got my home after staying with relatives.

Tell her to watch Maid on Netflix

This is an amazing update OP. I'm so pleased for your sister and her children.

Domestic abuse can be so insidious. I know a family where the sister had been abused for years. I met the husband once and he seemed warm and lovely. Her brother is a therapist and had been around both of them for years without any indication. Abusers are so clever and skilled at hiding their true nature. It makes it so difficult for the victims to be believed.

Thank goodness your sister had you and your wider family to believe and support her.

@ItsGettingLight

I think I’ve read things in the past about being careful about staying with relatives as this could affect emerita and/or eligibility for council housing. Can anyone tell me if this is right?

It is often better in the long run to go to a refuge because you are then in temporary housing and often more likely to get council housing. However in the short term that means leaving absolutely everything and everyone, so does depend on the situation. Also the level of risk her partner poses. Some refuges provide fantastic support and others are really grim with some traumatised people all rubbing each other up the wrong way. They are amazing places, but it’s not always easy.

Something to be aware of is that witnessing domestic abuse is considered child abuse. So once this goes public, if she returns she will likely have ss involvement.

@ItsGettingLight

Thank you all.

Yes she did manage to set up a home of her own. She stayed with my parents for two months and managed to arrange benefits and my DH found a private rental for her close to all of us. We managed to get her DC into the school my DC attend. Again, so much luck, they are out of zone but there was space and it has helped us massively in being able to share childcare between us. She kept her evening job and one of us family looks after her DC while she does this.

Just saw the update! Amazing.

@LadyDanburysHat

I didn't see the original post first time around, but what an amazingly heartwarming update. I'm so happy for your sister. And so pleased that you and your family were able to help her be free.

This! Well done to you all.