How would you react?

[Namechangex10000]

I will try my very hardest to keep a long story short.

I have been with my partner for 4 years. I give him my absolute all and I believe myself to be a pretty attentive and all round good partner. He has betrayed me and lied to me many tines in our relationship and it is one those “ffs just leave him” situations so I’ll try not to bore anybody with that.

He “leaves me” regularly, a weekly basis to be honest for a long long time. He moved out around 3-4 months ago now, but has strung me along (he loves me, it’s over, he loves me, it’s over etc) it is ALWAYS my fault. He still sleeps with me (or rather, still sleep with him, always hoping that something will change)

We’ve managed an ok few days this week (however, nothing that has happened in the past or in these 3/4months alone has been spoken about...it’s all just shoved under the carpet and I’m not allowed to mention it)

Anyway. Yesterday I text asking what he’s up to etc, completely ignored, FaceTimed twice so he could see our son, ignored, everything I said - ignored, despite him being online, he literally just did not open my messages let alone reply to them.

Eventually I ask what the problem is and he says nothing he’s just out? Vague. Then he says he’s doing work on his truck.

By the evening I’m fucking fuming that he is just so blatantly ignoring me and I don’t understand why, I know he’s somewhere, just a feeling but he won’t say.

Then it transpires he’s “working” - running friends around....the truth is, whilst he might have run some people around, he’s at a party.

At this point I’ve had a glass of wine and all my insecurities are pouring out (bare in mind i text him on Friday to say I loved him and....was ignored)

So I’m going on a bit admittedly because I just want to get it through his thick skull that this is a bizarre way to treat somebody, why I still try this I don’t know because nothing gets through to him. He just keeps repeating the same old shit “oh so I’ve not seen you for a day and look how you’re acting” - yep that’s it, it’s not because you’ve either ignored me or because you’ve lied, it because you need to be by my wife 24/7???? No. Defence defence defence.

All I ever get from him is “you can’t expeft us to be fixed over night” etc etc etc and “it’s all your fault because you do what you do”

I feel crazy. Am I? Is it normal to feel the way I feel in this situation? Is it not normal to think your “partner” whom you’ve lived with for most of your relationship and share a child with to just say “I’m doing xyz” tonight. He’s told me many tines he doesn’t want me around his friend and family because of “how i am” - no acknowledge that I’m the way I am because he’s made me a paranoid, jealous, suspicious wreck and despite all efforts to try and to make changes from my end - he does nothing on his. I’m embarrassed, I feel humiliated, I come last, he will drop me for absolutely anything else.

Now it’s the usual. Pack all my things in the car and I’ll collect it at 4. I’m done. You’ve fucked it up. We’re over etc etc etc

So I can’t expect miracles (or seemingly even an ounce of minor effort, respect or love) over night, but he expects full trust and to be able to treat me like a prick and I should just take it on the chin like a good little girl and just put up with it without saying anything.

I need perspective. Am I wrong? I can’t handle this shit anymore.

No your not crazy! He's using you! Leave him and focus on yourself! You don't need him, it's just a routine that you are in. X

What do you actually want from this relationship, for it all to work out? I honestly don't think it ever will if he has turned you into a suspicious wreck (not sure if thats what you said). Put yourself and your child first, pack his shit and let him be on his way!
He is just leading you on and using you for his own benefit, sack him off, claim CSA and get yourself happy again. This man will never change!

@MummyToPrince

No your not crazy! He's using you! Leave him and focus on yourself! You don't need him, it's just a routine that you are in. X

100% agree! You can live much better without him, it might be hard at the very beginning, but then it will be better and better.

I know you want this relationship to work but you have to be realistic. He has no respect for you and doesnt care that he treats you like shit because he knows you will not leave him.

What's sad is that you accept this treatment time and time again. Your self esteem must be in your boots to hold onto such a bad relationship And it is very bad.

I want him to be the man I know he is deep down, I don’t want more kids with split families, I don’t want to lose my step daughter, I don’t want to spend half my time without my baby, I don’t want for everything I’ve been through and everything I’ve forgiven to be for nothing, for it to all have been a lie even though it’s clear it is, I can’t accept it. I don’t understand. I don’t care why he doesn’t just end it properly and fuck off, why keep telling me he loves me and wants to be with me? Why go to the effort of lying if you literally don’t give a toss about someone?!

He isn’t the ‘man you know he is deep down’. Why on earth would you believe him to be amy different then he has SHOWN himself to be, time after time again.

Sorry, but if you expect him to change, he won’t. This is who he is.

You have two choices, leave or put up with it.

“ I want him to be the man I know he is deep down“ - sorry if this sounds harsh, but that isn’t what you want. You want him to be something he’s not. He treats you horrifically, consistently, and you let him. He’s shown you over and over he has no respect for you and doesn’t care about hurting you. He’s shown you who he is. The only way this changes is if you draw a line under it and walk away.

Why does he do it? Because he can. Easy sex when he wants it, access to your child, childcare I suspect, a feeling of power and control, dinners cooked for him? Sometimes he wants you around, sometimes he doesn’t - you let him treat you like that. Why would he change when he has exactly what he wants?

I speak from experience; end this cycle and give yourself space to be happy alone or with somebody who will treat you with love and respect.

My dad was a psychiatrist. He said every time a patient said ‘deep down he’s good’ he’d answer ‘maybe, but everywhere else he’s a bastard and you don’t even have a basement, let alone anywhere deep’

What do you get out of this relationship? What does he give? What are the positives?

Everything you have said is a negative.

Pack his stuff, leave it out for 4pm and ditch him, he treats you this way because you allow him to! Show your son this is not how men should treat women and show him what a strong independent woman you are.

Does everybody believe it is that easy though? Would everybody really find it so easy to walk away from someone that they love and have loved so much and thought they were going to marry? How do I just flick a switch and not care anymore? Believe me, if I could I would. Sometimes I don’t know what the positives are anymore, I’m still clinging to who I believed he was I suppose, it’s a lot less stressful without him here. I don’t want to see him move on to the next one and be who he was when he met me, even if I know it was obviously fake. I can’t take it.

He takes the car every time too. Leaving me with nothing but these 4 walls and no support network.

Op it just takes one time to break the cycle and follow through with throwing him out. You will feel so much better even with no access to a car and less money. You will feel like you have control again. I understand you feel like you’ve wasted all that forgiveness but if you keep on like this you’ll just waste even more.

I want him to be the man I know he is deep down

How much more evidence do you need to accept that he is not that man and he never will be?

He's an abusive, cruel, gaslighting narcissist. Any woman he moves on to will soon find themselves exactly where you are today. For the sake of your children, end this madness now.

@Namechangex10000

I want him to be the man I know he is deep down, I don’t want more kids with split families, I don’t want to lose my step daughter, I don’t want to spend half my time without my baby, I don’t want for everything I’ve been through and everything I’ve forgiven to be for nothing, for it to all have been a lie even though it’s clear it is, I can’t accept it. I don’t understand. I don’t care why he doesn’t just end it properly and fuck off, why keep telling me he loves me and wants to be with me? Why go to the effort of lying if you literally don’t give a toss about someone?!

You think that this man has hidden depths but he really doesn't. He's so cruel and abusive towards you and you just keep taking it. You need to dump him and get some counselling to see why you think he's what you deserve.

You are allowing him to treat you this way and so he is. He's keeping you hanging on while most likely enjoying the perks of a single life too. I guarantee if you stop chasing the prick and letting him get away with treating you like a doormat he'll come grovelling. But really, why would you want him to? Get rid and find someone who will be present, loving and consistent. I get that it's sad to split up a family but you can't keep putting all the effort in. He has to want this and be willing to work at it too. And he clearly isn't.

Pack his stuff and only engage about the kids. You deserve better.

@ Namechangex10000

''I want him to be the man I know he is deep down''

No, you don't. You want him to go back to the man he was pretending to be in the beginning of the relationship.

That's not going to happen, ever.

He's shown you every week, time and time again, that he couldn't care less how you feel or what you want. Your problem is you still don't believe him when he's showing you exactly who and what he is.

I get that you're trying to hang onto the illusion that a Happy Ever After is possible with this prick................but you'll never be happy again until you accept who/ what he is and get rid of him for good.

He does the absolute minimum to keep you stringing along behind him, just in case you'll come in handy for him. He does not love you, he does not respect you, he does not give a flying fart if you're upset etc, he simply doesn't care. If he did, he'd never hurt you.

I'm so sorry you're going through such a crap time, and I'm sorry if what I've said seems blunt.

You need to be the one to dump him, because if you don't, he'll destroy you and then leave you for someone else. It's what they always do..............

@

''Does everybody believe it is that easy though? Would everybody really find it so easy to walk away from someone that they love and have loved so much and thought they were going to marry?''

No one said it was easy ! Most posters have been through a lot worse in the sense that they DID marry their men, some spent years until their ''DH'''s became the utter bastards that they always were deep down. It sometimes takes marriage, children etc for these prick to feel that they had a strong enough hold on their poor partners before they stopped the acting all nice etc

Have a read of this posters experience for example..........

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3983555-To-think-I-was-conned-into-my-marriage

Absolutely no one thinks it's easy, but it's what needs to be done for yours and your DC's mental health and happiness.

Have you posted about him before?

I stayed with a very similar uncaring man for 4 years and it was probably about 1.5 years too long. Knowing what I know now, I wish I'd ended it sooner! You are worth more. Split families are not the worst thing to happen to your children. Your child will see the disrespect it's dad has for you which is horrible!

NEVER GAMBLE ON POTENTIAL.

Either accept that this is who he is and continue the relationship - always reminding yourself that you are thus choosing to be treated like this - or accept this is who he is and dump him because he is crap.

If you have to change a person to make a relationship work, the relationship is not going to work.

I want him to be the man I know he is deep down

this IS the man he is deep down. He will never change, he will never be a decent loving partner. I promise you that. Because no decent person can behave like this.

You need to stop examining what you are doing or not doing in this relationship, and start thinking why you believe you should be treated so badly.

@OhCaptain yes many times and under many different usernames. I’m sure if I read them all back it might clear things up for me. He’s been texting me for the last 4 hours, if I want him then I’ll send him dirty videos etc. I’m sitting here crying but still considering it just to keep him. It’s oarhetic and I know I have nobody to blame but myself now.

It is worth all the unhappiness? Just for a man? You sound so broken.

Why would you want to keep this prince? To show your baby this is what a relationship looks like?

God you deserve so much better a man than this. Why do you keep allowing him to come back to you? You are more than this, he will never be who you want him to be.

I have been with Dh for 24 years. If we disagree about something, neither of us leaves because we aren't 14 years old. You discuss stuff, agree to disagree or find a way to move forward.

Your relationship is not healthy.