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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How would you react?

53 replies

Namechangex10000 · 02/08/2020 14:32

I will try my very hardest to keep a long story short.

I have been with my partner for 4 years. I give him my absolute all and I believe myself to be a pretty attentive and all round good partner. He has betrayed me and lied to me many tines in our relationship and it is one those “ffs just leave him” situations so I’ll try not to bore anybody with that.

He “leaves me” regularly, a weekly basis to be honest for a long long time. He moved out around 3-4 months ago now, but has strung me along (he loves me, it’s over, he loves me, it’s over etc) it is ALWAYS my fault. He still sleeps with me (or rather, still sleep with him, always hoping that something will change)

We’ve managed an ok few days this week (however, nothing that has happened in the past or in these 3/4months alone has been spoken about...it’s all just shoved under the carpet and I’m not allowed to mention it)

Anyway. Yesterday I text asking what he’s up to etc, completely ignored, FaceTimed twice so he could see our son, ignored, everything I said - ignored, despite him being online, he literally just did not open my messages let alone reply to them.

Eventually I ask what the problem is and he says nothing he’s just out? Vague. Then he says he’s doing work on his truck.

By the evening I’m fucking fuming that he is just so blatantly ignoring me and I don’t understand why, I know he’s somewhere, just a feeling but he won’t say.

Then it transpires he’s “working” - running friends around....the truth is, whilst he might have run some people around, he’s at a party.

At this point I’ve had a glass of wine and all my insecurities are pouring out (bare in mind i text him on Friday to say I loved him and....was ignored)

So I’m going on a bit admittedly because I just want to get it through his thick skull that this is a bizarre way to treat somebody, why I still try this I don’t know because nothing gets through to him. He just keeps repeating the same old shit “oh so I’ve not seen you for a day and look how you’re acting” - yep that’s it, it’s not because you’ve either ignored me or because you’ve lied, it because you need to be by my wife 24/7???? No. Defence defence defence.

All I ever get from him is “you can’t expeft us to be fixed over night” etc etc etc and “it’s all your fault because you do what you do”

I feel crazy. Am I? Is it normal to feel the way I feel in this situation? Is it not normal to think your “partner” whom you’ve lived with for most of your relationship and share a child with to just say “I’m doing xyz” tonight. He’s told me many tines he doesn’t want me around his friend and family because of “how i am” - no acknowledge that I’m the way I am because he’s made me a paranoid, jealous, suspicious wreck and despite all efforts to try and to make changes from my end - he does nothing on his. I’m embarrassed, I feel humiliated, I come last, he will drop me for absolutely anything else.

Now it’s the usual. Pack all my things in the car and I’ll collect it at 4. I’m done. You’ve fucked it up. We’re over etc etc etc

So I can’t expect miracles (or seemingly even an ounce of minor effort, respect or love) over night, but he expects full trust and to be able to treat me like a prick and I should just take it on the chin like a good little girl and just put up with it without saying anything.

I need perspective. Am I wrong? I can’t handle this shit anymore.

OP posts:

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 02/08/2020 20:27

"Pack all my things in the car and I’ll collect it at 4. I’m done. You’ve fucked it up. We’re over etc etc etc"

Let the trash take itself out.

Original poster

Namechangex10000 · 02/08/2020 20:30

@popcornlover that’s exactly how I feel. I do appreciate everyone’s thoughts. I am listening. It’s just so hard to accept

OP posts:

Aerial2020 · 02/08/2020 20:34

@Namechangex10000

I want him to be the man I know he is deep down, I don’t want more kids with split families, I don’t want to lose my step daughter, I don’t want to spend half my time without my baby, I don’t want for everything I’ve been through and everything I’ve forgiven to be for nothing, for it to all have been a lie even though it’s clear it is, I can’t accept it. I don’t understand. I don’t care why he doesn’t just end it properly and fuck off, why keep telling me he loves me and wants to be with me? Why go to the effort of lying if you literally don’t give a toss about someone?!

Because he can. Because you're letting him and he is loving the attention of having you back whenever he wants. Take back the control. Ignore him when he goes out. Don't call him, don't do anything but focus on yourself and your kids. Don't chase him. Stop.

popcornlover · 02/08/2020 20:35

Hope you feel better soon. He sounds like he’s all over the place, and way too stressful.

HollowTalk · 02/08/2020 22:09

Oh god, don't even think of sending him videos and photos of yourself. You're worth so much more than that. He's really awful.

Hormonecrazyhell · 02/08/2020 22:15

U can flick the switch. Tell ur self over and over. you’re worth more. You don’t want or need him. Get ur self a car and change the locks.

Anordinarymum · 02/08/2020 22:17

Put his stuff in a bag and leave it outside. Lock the door and move on.

Bastard

TeaAndHobnob · 02/08/2020 22:27

Is his dick made of gold or something?

You're humiliating and debasing yourself for this lying cheating piece of shit who thinks you're so thick and pathetic you will put up with anything.

Time to show him that's not true. Bin him.

MNX42 · 02/08/2020 22:28

This relationship is very damaging and toxic, and you need to put a stop to it. He is who he is, he won't change, you can't change him. He keeps coming back because it's easy, he wants sex, a bed, a meal etc. and you never say no. Now he's saying if you loved him you'd send him dirty videos! How about if he loved you he'd stop treating you like dirt?

There's an expression that's something like "if you behave like a doormat don't be surprised when people wipe their feet on you". Don't be a doormat OP. If he moves on to someone else so what? Just feel sorry for her. I wouldn't wish someone like him on my worst enemy.

Spinachfinger · 02/08/2020 22:29

Let me get this straight. He has been completely disrespectful to you. Keeps trotting in and out of your child life. Ignores you. Makes you hurt and feel like crap. And has told you to pack his things for him. Now he is asking for nudes?

He is playing you for a fool OP. Do not let him. Definitely no to the nude pics, he is making my blood boil just reading about him. The only reply you should give to him is "yeah, good one! Now off you fuck!" And let him be on his merry way. Do not take him back. He would drag you down so far and he is not worth it. Trust me, I've been there.

user1471549213 · 02/08/2020 22:37

Think to yourself is this the type of relationship you want your child to grow up thinking it is how a relationship should be.

If you would be happy for your child to be with somebody like him then knock yourself out and get back with him. If you would tell your child to run very quickly away from a relationship like this then take your own advice. Your child could possibly be subjected to his abuse if he were to stay and would also be broken hearted every time he leaves along with watching their mam in tears on a regular basis. Not a very stable upbringing for your child is it?

user1471549213 · 02/08/2020 22:41

Think to yourself is this the type of relationship you want your child to grow up thinking it is how a relationship should be.

bluebird243 · 02/08/2020 22:42

He is walking all over you, and wiping his feet on you, doesn't respect you, is degrading you and humiliating you. Just throw him out, have some self respect and lock the door on this vile man for good.

It isn't love and you are wasting time, energy, your best years and risking your health, and your mental health on someone deep down unpleasant and cruel. Pics? You must be joking. Do not do it, they could end up all over the internet.

IdblowJonSnow · 02/08/2020 22:44

There is no 'deep down' man. What you are seeing is all there is.
He treats you this way because he can.
The ONLY way you can change this situation is to dig hard for some self respect, tell him to fuck off and mean it.

TheFoz · 02/08/2020 22:50

You can’t keep flogging a dead horse OP. This relationship will never be what you want it to be. Stop waiting for him to end it and end it yourself. Why do you think you deserve to be treated the way he is treating you?
Get out now while you still have some self esteem and get yourself some counselling.

tinyvulture · 02/08/2020 23:06

Some very harsh replies on here. None of this is your fault! He is an abusive narcissistic bastard, and they destroy women from the inside out - that is what is happening here. There is nothing weak about you, nothing wrong with you - you have just fallen into the hands of an absolute manipulative cunt. But, my darling, you CAN change this. You CAN walk away from him. I know it feels impossible, but it isn’t! Can you get help from friends, if you can’t do it all on your own? Because, I promise you, within a very short time you will feel a million times better about yourself, once this man is out of your life. I repeat, there is NOTHING wrong with you. But there is something very very wrong with him......

BuffaloMozzerella · 02/08/2020 23:36

You probably know deep down that this is the way he is. You also probably know deep down that the relationship is awful and not worth continuing.

What's keeping you there? Is it because you share a child? Or could it be because to leave him you'll have to face the fact you have stayed too long? Are you ashamed and don't want to face that?

I'm not judging. I have stayed too long and then stayed longer because I didn't want to face up to what I'd 'allowed'. I blamed myself. I did leave eventually.

You know if you stay that you'll get more of the same. What you don't know is how life could be without him. Most of us on here can virtually guarantee it will be better in some way, maybe not easier to start, but better.

Enough4me · 02/08/2020 23:49

Try this...manage the 'flicking the switch':

Day 1, end it, suppress emotions, make lists of what you need to do and when & just be honest
Day 2, don't back track in any way, use all your energy to push forwards & bag all his stuff up
Day 3, allow yourself to cry and feel it, but stick to your lists, he collects his stuff
Day 4, tell anyone who doesn't already know that it is over, talk about it being over
Days 5-7, talk to anyone and everyone about how shit he was, but aim to get at least one practical thing done a day. One week down, keep it going!

Managing it will give you your power back and remove his control over you.

audweb · 02/08/2020 23:54

You need to flick the switch yourself. Let go of what you thought he was and accept that this is him now, and what he is now is not good enough.

Honestly I’ve done (with a child involved as well) and it’s the best thing I ever did, walking away.

Do you want your child growing up thinking that this is how relationships are?! I didn’t, that was my main motivation. Come on, peace lies on the other side of this choice. I no longer have stesssful days and nights wondering if he’ll pick me, come back to me, treat me better this time. I love life now. Choose peace and freedom.

OhCaptain · 03/08/2020 00:00

I thought I recognised you.

No matter the name change it’s always the same.

I don’t know what you want out of these threads, OP. They always go the same way and you always disappear having refused to listen then pop up again with more of the same.

Crinkle77 · 03/08/2020 00:02

@Namechangex10000

In sorry but he'll never be that man you want him to be.

DBML · 03/08/2020 00:49

Aw hun, you don’t want him to be the man he is deep down; you want him to be the man ‘you’ want him to be.

But he’s not. He’s a nasty, using, manipulative, lying ‘partner’ and also a terrible father. He’s making your life miserable and by default, this will affect your little one. He’s not there for you and by default he’s not there for his son. He is what we call in my house ‘a waste of space’.

Your son and you can be....will be!...happier without this negative presence in your lives.
No, it’s not just easy to leave, but you know what they say ‘nothing worth doing is ever easy’.

Set yourself free and find a loving, caring partner who will make you feel like a million dollars and be a great role model for your little boy. At the moment you are delaying your own happiness, perhaps now is the time to go for it?

Good luck.

MadameMeursault · 03/08/2020 00:59

What on Earth are you doing with this waste of space? Seize the upper hand and LTB.

Original poster

Namechangex10000 · 03/08/2020 08:09

@OhCaptain I don’t think I’m wrong in saying that women in these sort of relationships try and try again to work up the courage to end it and quite often....don’t. I presume it’s part of the abuse no? Sorry it’s not as cut and dry as you like but although I’ve made threads before, my aim is the same, finding the strength and courage to actually do this without getting sucked back in, maybe I hope, one day. I actually will, one day what is being said will get through MY thick skull.

OP posts:

DBML · 03/08/2020 10:18

Oh no, I can’t bare to think you’ll continue to put up with this. You don’t love this person...you can’t possibly as he treats you so badly. It’s infatuation and you need to start recognising this. Infatuation means you’ll accept whatever treatment he gives you and you’ll accept his scraps.
He does not love you either...you do not treat people you care about in such a shitty manner.
I hope for your sake and the sake of your child that the day you decide to leave comes soon, otherwise your child’s own behaviour will be affected by this unhealthy dynamic as he grows up.

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