How would you react?

[Namechangex10000]

I will try my very hardest to keep a long story short.

I have been with my partner for 4 years. I give him my absolute all and I believe myself to be a pretty attentive and all round good partner. He has betrayed me and lied to me many tines in our relationship and it is one those “ffs just leave him” situations so I’ll try not to bore anybody with that.

He “leaves me” regularly, a weekly basis to be honest for a long long time. He moved out around 3-4 months ago now, but has strung me along (he loves me, it’s over, he loves me, it’s over etc) it is ALWAYS my fault. He still sleeps with me (or rather, still sleep with him, always hoping that something will change)

We’ve managed an ok few days this week (however, nothing that has happened in the past or in these 3/4months alone has been spoken about...it’s all just shoved under the carpet and I’m not allowed to mention it)

Anyway. Yesterday I text asking what he’s up to etc, completely ignored, FaceTimed twice so he could see our son, ignored, everything I said - ignored, despite him being online, he literally just did not open my messages let alone reply to them.

Eventually I ask what the problem is and he says nothing he’s just out? Vague. Then he says he’s doing work on his truck.

By the evening I’m fucking fuming that he is just so blatantly ignoring me and I don’t understand why, I know he’s somewhere, just a feeling but he won’t say.

Then it transpires he’s “working” - running friends around....the truth is, whilst he might have run some people around, he’s at a party.

At this point I’ve had a glass of wine and all my insecurities are pouring out (bare in mind i text him on Friday to say I loved him and....was ignored)

So I’m going on a bit admittedly because I just want to get it through his thick skull that this is a bizarre way to treat somebody, why I still try this I don’t know because nothing gets through to him. He just keeps repeating the same old shit “oh so I’ve not seen you for a day and look how you’re acting” - yep that’s it, it’s not because you’ve either ignored me or because you’ve lied, it because you need to be by my wife 24/7???? No. Defence defence defence.

All I ever get from him is “you can’t expeft us to be fixed over night” etc etc etc and “it’s all your fault because you do what you do”

I feel crazy. Am I? Is it normal to feel the way I feel in this situation? Is it not normal to think your “partner” whom you’ve lived with for most of your relationship and share a child with to just say “I’m doing xyz” tonight. He’s told me many tines he doesn’t want me around his friend and family because of “how i am” - no acknowledge that I’m the way I am because he’s made me a paranoid, jealous, suspicious wreck and despite all efforts to try and to make changes from my end - he does nothing on his. I’m embarrassed, I feel humiliated, I come last, he will drop me for absolutely anything else.

Now it’s the usual. Pack all my things in the car and I’ll collect it at 4. I’m done. You’ve fucked it up. We’re over etc etc etc

So I can’t expect miracles (or seemingly even an ounce of minor effort, respect or love) over night, but he expects full trust and to be able to treat me like a prick and I should just take it on the chin like a good little girl and just put up with it without saying anything.

I need perspective. Am I wrong? I can’t handle this shit anymore.

@Namechangex10000 you can get defensive with me all you like but you know it’s the truth.

Nobody, not one single person on your many, many, many threads can make you change. And yes, I do mean YOU.

It’s always about how he needs to change. But no. YOU need to change. Because you’re responsible for your behaviour and the only behaviour you can control is your own.

You’re so addicted to the drama that you constantly put your child into this fucked up situation.

Is he a bastard? Absolutely yes. But then you know that. And you know it every single time you pick him and the drama over a peaceful, healthy life for your child.

The only way this will stop will be if you do some work on yourself and break the cycle to prioritise your mental health and your child’s home environment.

Or, if he moves on to some other unsuspecting, low self-esteem woman, and decides he’s had enough.

You’ll attract posters to the thread who don’t know your backstory. And that’s great because maybe one of them will word the same advice in a slightly different way and that will be the thing that opens your eyes.

But I don’t think that’ll happen. I really, truly think you need professional real life help. You have a lot of work to do on yourself because you are literally the only person who can fix your life.

And your child needs that from you.

You're right, OP. It is really hard to leave when you're enmeshed in a situation. I think some PP don't really appreciate how hard it is.

If you're not ready to leave yet, do please bear in mind what everyone has said about this relationship not being right for you.

From what I've read it's never going to change. I have stayed on dysfunctional relationships for much longer than their sell by date either because I hoped it would change. Or because I thought I deserved no better.

I would let him leave next time. Bag up his stuff. Change the locks. There is always a way to get through a bad situation once you have called time on it. By staying this will keep happening. And keep hurting. By ending it yes it will hurt. Massively. But that pain will ease but by bit.

You have a daughter together? Highly unlikely he will have her half the time. But imagine how much nicer it will be for all of your children without a man child leaving you in a temper every week. This is such an unhealthy dynamic for them as children.

Do you want your sons to think this is how men treat women? And your daughter to see this is how women are treated by men?