I am full of sadness and regret please talk to me, I am desperate :(

[pleasehelps]

I’ve been in a pit these last few months, started before lockdown and has carried on since.

I’m 34 and met a lovely man when I was 32. He adored me and things were good. It is no exaggeration to say he was wonderful to me, we got on well, he was committed. For whatever reason, I felt there was something missing...that something I now think is actually non existent and I’m tearing myself into pieces about it.

After I ended it, I got in contact with him a few months later, admittedly after many horrible dates and experiences with men that woke me up to how wonderful this person was. I realised how silly I had been and that I had felt scared off because he had come on quite strong. We started speaking again and he said he had been hurt but wanted to give it a go. We began seeing each other only for him to find out four weeks later that he had got a fling pregnant while we were apart. He changed his attitude completely at this point, telling me that he wasn’t sure about me anymore and that I had ruined everything, it was all my fault, he had offered me everything with him and I turned him down so it was my fault, told me i only wanted to find someone better and ‘look how that worked out.’ When he calmed down he said he didn’t want to fall out but that he didn’t want anything with me and it was a huge shame but it was all on me and I had made my bed so I should lie in it. I wished him all the best.

This whole thing has knocked me for six. I know his behaviour when he found out about his fling was cruel to me and unkind but really there was also truth in what he was saying wasn’t there!!! I did think I could do better, or thought I needed something different. I did go off and it hurt him. I did do those things and I was scared to commit as he came on quite strong.

But now I am nearly 35 and alone and the reality is that I have never before or since met a man who was as committed to me as he was. It was warm and safe and loving. I threw it away. I’ve dated loads since and when i got back in contact and admitted I messed up, this had happened and so we couldn’t be together anyway... It feels so cruel, you hear of people breaking up and getting back together and why couldn’t this have been us. I feel like god or whatever else doesn’t think I deserve anything good.

I’m terrified I have lost the only person who would ever have loved me and as daft as it sounds when I woke up this morning I just wandered round my house feeling sick and sad and full of regret. Nobody gets that sort of love twice do they and like he says, it is all on me that it has ended up like this.

Please help me process all this. I can’t see a future anymore and I don’t think I will ever feel safe or happy with a man ever again.

Maybe he loved you. But did you love him?

Why did you end it with him in the first place?

You have discovered the grass wasn’t greener. But if he was the right person for you, you wouldn’t have ended it.

this feeling is awful, but please don't despair.

Nobody gets that sort of love twice do they

Being loved once doesn't stop you being loved twice! Dating is shit and demoralising. But please don't think there's some power stopping you finding love again.

Stop beating yourself up. He wasnt right, you wouldn't have had that feeling if he was. This is fear talking now, that he was worth settling for. Trust yourself. You did the right thing for you.
His cruel unkind streak would have come out every time you had an argument - so at least you know you are better without that.
Onwards and upwards

I remember feeling frustrated and annoyed by him sometimes. He was very independent but very full on with me. I can’t really explain it and that’s what makes me feel sad because there wasn’t really a real reason. He was a good man. I will never find this again

thinking and quentin I can’t imagine anyone loving me like that again.

I honestly can’t imagine it. I hate dating, used to love it and now all I want is to settle down. Too late now with him.

He wasnt a good man. A good man wouldn't have agreed to give you another chance and then flung you leaving him back in your face. It sounds like he only got back with you in order to be the dumper.

You felt like something was missing. And it was. He showed his true colours as a big jerk. Normal people arent cruel.

How long were you an item the first time before you broke up? Because it sounds to me like he 'live bombed you' but your gut was screaming at you that something wasnt right.

I think you might be putting this man on a pedestal in your memory. It's easy to rose-tint your recollections of someone and lose sight of the reasons you split up. Often you find yourself remembering what was more generally a happier time, and everyone associated with it gains from that gloss of nostalgia.

Ultimately, you had your reasons for breaking up and you don't know, had you continued together, that the relationship wouldn't have turned sour.

If he was feeling as you do, he wouldn't let the pregnancy of a fling stand in the way of resuming the relationship. He doesn't feel as you do, so getting back together isn't going to work.

You must stop thinking that had you stayed together everything would be lovely because you simply have no way of knowing that.

'Love bombed'

I can’t imagine anyone loving me like that again

Maybe you need to work on your self esteem. But so that you see yourself as naturally lovable, and start to act that way.

Not saying you need to love yourself to attract men. I mean that feeling lovable puts you in a much more secure position when entering relationships.

I can kind of relate because I let my first love go due to my arrogance & thinking I was all that in my 20s & do regret it. If I could live my life over again would make different choices.

What I have found helpful is repeating the old mantra “it is better to have loved & lost than never at all” - and it is true. Some people literally never find love, real true “in love”.

I also try to remember when I daydream about what life would be like had we stayed together is that I have no real idea what the reality of that would have been like. That things like finances, having children, or other life struggles would not have caused us to split up.

It’s easy to fantasise that this man was your “happily ever after” but you don’t know this for a fact. He could have dropped dead & you’d be a widow. Or made a bad financial decision & sent you broke. You don’t know. And it’s important to keep that in mind.

You made your decision based on what you knew & felt at the time. We all look back on our lives with 20/20 hindsight & regret choices. Life can be a cruel mistress.

It’s hard when you know you have yourself to blame. Own your blame, it was a mistake, but you know what real love is, so you’re less likely to be the type of person you see here stuck in a loveless/abusive/toxic relationship & can’t see their way out, because you know what a healthy relationship feels like now. You have that as your barometer.

I was deeply angry at myself for several years but now have learnt to accept it as I have done/experienced things in my life wouldn’t have if had stayed with him. Have my two dear little dogs now & could never wish them away... I have enjoyed living in alternative suburbs he wouldn’t have liked. Haven’t had kids which is a blessing to me - had I stayed with him likely would have had a family & maybe I’d be regretting parenthood right now!

I’m not sure if my rambling has helped but know I feel you.

Hang on, you say you ended it because he came on strong and that worried you. His later behaviour shows your instincts were spot on. Don't idealise him as something he was not. It sounds like you dodged a bullet with him, and when the right person comes along you will recognise it. Have some faith in yourself.

pelles that nostalgia thing makes sense. I was happier then for other reasons as well so I supposed he is also related to that too.

I guess ultimately he wouldn’t have ended it if he loved me but then he’s clearly wanted to do right by the pregnancy which does show him as a good man? I don’t know.

He called me out on stuff and said I ruined things and we could have been happy now if it wasn’t for me... I can’t get these comments out of my head because they are true aren’t they.

I feel so alone.

I just feel so sad and like it is so cruel. I was brave enough to get in contact and own my mistake and he wanted to go for it again..then all this happens. I feel like I will always be alone

No, sorry op but they aren't true. Or at least, arent relevant. He ended it because HE got some other woman pregnant. And rather than say 'sorry, but I I feel responsible to this other woman and want to give a relationship with her a chance for the sake of the baby' he said 'screw you, this is all your fault, you left me first so now I'm leaving you neenawr neenawr I win!'. He, is a dick.

bunny that did cross my mind and it seemed unkind for him to tell me we could have been happy if it wasn’t for me etc when he was willing to give things a go before he found he had got a fling pregnant. But... he’s still kind of right isn’t he. Had I not ended it then we would be together. And now I am alone because of it and he isn’t.

he’s clearly wanted to do right by the pregnancy which does show him as a good man

It's not as simple as that. Firstly, he must have had unprotected sex with his 'fling' - fine, she was presumably OK with this but it hardly shows much wisdom or great responsibility on his part.

Secondly, turning a fling into a life-partnership due to an accidental pregnancy isn't necessarily doing 'right'. Yes, he needs to take responsibility for the child, but it does a child little good to be brought up by parents who are together for no reason other than a mistake.

pellas maybe but I guess he is doing the best thing he can do in that situation. I don’t know. He was good to me and his words stick with me that we would have been happy if I hadn’t been for me.

we would have been happy if I hadn’t been for me

That's bollocks, though, isn't it? You could be together now if he wanted it. He doesn't - and that's his prerogative - but you are offering the relationship and he is saying no. Trying to blame you for that instead of, as a pp suggested, taking ownership of his decision to stand by his fling, really doesn't suggest a shining character.

OP you would not have been happy with him though. He would have showed you his true colours in some other way and either you would have been smart and chose to leave again or you would have been miserable with this person who had initially seemed to love you so much and now, seemed to have nothing but contempt for you. Who, whenever he fucked up or his behaviour was questioned - would turn it around on you. He has demonstrated that that is what he does. That's who he is, someone who cannot accept any responsibility for things and who will attack those who try to show him any error in his ways, ruthlessly.

You should not be beating yourself up for leaving g the first time. You trusted your gut about him and it was right. He wants you to doubt your judgement. Because he is a big old head fucjer. You would be wise to read up on narcissists and how to spot them in future as it sound like it may be relevant.

But well done for removing him the first time! You were right to trust those instincts. Better alone than stuck with a psycho.

He's a twat. He had unprotected sex with someone he had no intention of committing to, and now he's blaming you for that. He's emotionally immature and I hope the woman he's got pregnant isn't expecting too much.

You'll meet someone far better than this wanker. You're panicking about being single when in fact your instinct to end the relationship was spot on.

Just a thought too op, if you'd stayed then that wee baba would never have the chance of being brought into the world. But hippy dippy of me but maybe things happen for a reason. Maybe you were meant to leave him so that little one could come into existence. I don't hold out much hope for the poor little beggar with that pillock for a father but I think it's still a nice thought.

evenmore he’s apparently making a go of it with her so I can’t see him in a bad light for doing that...he’s trying to make it work.

He was amazing to me and aside from what he said recently about me having ruined everything, he was committed and kind all other times. I don’t know why he wanted to hurt me by saying that

Just make sure to draw a line under it op. Don't end up meeting up with him months down the line when he decides it 'isnt (currently) working' with the new woman. The last thing you need is to be caught up in narcissistic triangulation (when they play two women off against eachother, sometimes dating them both around the same time) with the jerk.

I think none of us can really comment on him because we don't know him. Of course ultimately he had unprotected sex and a baby resulted ....you are not responsible for that in any way unless you insisted he went and slept with someone without protection, even then he still did it. That is not on you.

What I will say is this , exdh had a lot of good points (and some bad ones) but he absolutely loved me . An unconditional love for a long time. When I look back now I realise that ultimately I didn't love him the same way. What happened was I didn't leave , we had two DC (and for that reason I am so glad I didn't leave because I would never be without them) but over time it broke down and became toxic. Not abusive or nasty but toxic. He was desperate for my attention and did stupid things to get it and however hard I tried it just seemed disingenuous.

Eventually we split after 10 years and I thought the same . However bad the marriage I did believe that was it (I was 36) , I would never find that unconditional love again. I knew it had become toxic and I knew the marriage was right to finish but I truly believed that was it.

Well blow me I met DP. My equal and my partner. He absolutely adores me and the key is , I adore him. It's not been an easy ride but no there wasn't another love like my ex husband , quite frankly there was a better one. Believe me when I say there is more to come. I firmly intended to stay single and bring up my DC but I've never known a thing like it. No doubts this time, no sneaking suspicion that there was something else.

I would never ever change things now because DC are the best thing that happened to both exdh and I but honestly if I met a friend in the same situation I was then I would tell them to walk. Life is too short. You are focusing on the nostalgia. You have no idea who or what is around the next corner.

'He was amazing ... aside from'

Look at other threads on here. 'Amazing but is a common theme. Those 'buts' and 'aside froms' and 'apart froms' rarely bode well for a long term relationship.

He's purposely broken things off in a hurtful way. Most decent people go through agonies working out the kindest way to end a longstanding relationship. That's why you get all the 'it's not you, it's me' stuff and 'I love you but I'm not in love with you'. Yes, they're all cliches and usually translate to the other person having found someone else, but not many people go out of their way to be unkind when that happens - ask yourself what that says about him.