I’ve been in a pit these last few months, started before lockdown and has carried on since.
I’m 34 and met a lovely man when I was 32. He adored me and things were good. It is no exaggeration to say he was wonderful to me, we got on well, he was committed. For whatever reason, I felt there was something missing...that something I now think is actually non existent and I’m tearing myself into pieces about it.
After I ended it, I got in contact with him a few months later, admittedly after many horrible dates and experiences with men that woke me up to how wonderful this person was. I realised how silly I had been and that I had felt scared off because he had come on quite strong. We started speaking again and he said he had been hurt but wanted to give it a go. We began seeing each other only for him to find out four weeks later that he had got a fling pregnant while we were apart. He changed his attitude completely at this point, telling me that he wasn’t sure about me anymore and that I had ruined everything, it was all my fault, he had offered me everything with him and I turned him down so it was my fault, told me i only wanted to find someone better and ‘look how that worked out.’ When he calmed down he said he didn’t want to fall out but that he didn’t want anything with me and it was a huge shame but it was all on me and I had made my bed so I should lie in it. I wished him all the best.
This whole thing has knocked me for six. I know his behaviour when he found out about his fling was cruel to me and unkind but really there was also truth in what he was saying wasn’t there!!! I did think I could do better, or thought I needed something different. I did go off and it hurt him. I did do those things and I was scared to commit as he came on quite strong.
But now I am nearly 35 and alone and the reality is that I have never before or since met a man who was as committed to me as he was. It was warm and safe and loving. I threw it away. I’ve dated loads since and when i got back in contact and admitted I messed up, this had happened and so we couldn’t be together anyway... It feels so cruel, you hear of people breaking up and getting back together and why couldn’t this have been us. I feel like god or whatever else doesn’t think I deserve anything good.
I’m terrified I have lost the only person who would ever have loved me and as daft as it sounds when I woke up this morning I just wandered round my house feeling sick and sad and full of regret. Nobody gets that sort of love twice do they and like he says, it is all on me that it has ended up like this.
Please help me process all this. I can’t see a future anymore and I don’t think I will ever feel safe or happy with a man ever again.