I am full of sadness and regret please talk to me, I am desperate :(

[pleasehelps]

I’ve been in a pit these last few months, started before lockdown and has carried on since.

I’m 34 and met a lovely man when I was 32. He adored me and things were good. It is no exaggeration to say he was wonderful to me, we got on well, he was committed. For whatever reason, I felt there was something missing...that something I now think is actually non existent and I’m tearing myself into pieces about it.

After I ended it, I got in contact with him a few months later, admittedly after many horrible dates and experiences with men that woke me up to how wonderful this person was. I realised how silly I had been and that I had felt scared off because he had come on quite strong. We started speaking again and he said he had been hurt but wanted to give it a go. We began seeing each other only for him to find out four weeks later that he had got a fling pregnant while we were apart. He changed his attitude completely at this point, telling me that he wasn’t sure about me anymore and that I had ruined everything, it was all my fault, he had offered me everything with him and I turned him down so it was my fault, told me i only wanted to find someone better and ‘look how that worked out.’ When he calmed down he said he didn’t want to fall out but that he didn’t want anything with me and it was a huge shame but it was all on me and I had made my bed so I should lie in it. I wished him all the best.

This whole thing has knocked me for six. I know his behaviour when he found out about his fling was cruel to me and unkind but really there was also truth in what he was saying wasn’t there!!! I did think I could do better, or thought I needed something different. I did go off and it hurt him. I did do those things and I was scared to commit as he came on quite strong.

But now I am nearly 35 and alone and the reality is that I have never before or since met a man who was as committed to me as he was. It was warm and safe and loving. I threw it away. I’ve dated loads since and when i got back in contact and admitted I messed up, this had happened and so we couldn’t be together anyway... It feels so cruel, you hear of people breaking up and getting back together and why couldn’t this have been us. I feel like god or whatever else doesn’t think I deserve anything good.

I’m terrified I have lost the only person who would ever have loved me and as daft as it sounds when I woke up this morning I just wandered round my house feeling sick and sad and full of regret. Nobody gets that sort of love twice do they and like he says, it is all on me that it has ended up like this.

Please help me process all this. I can’t see a future anymore and I don’t think I will ever feel safe or happy with a man ever again.

It's normal to feel anxiety about the future. You've got all these what ifs going round in your head. But what if - and it sounds like it - this is actually something that is going to lead to something really positive for you in terms of being free to meet someone better

I think I've commented on your previous posts on this. You seem stuck in a pattern of thinking about it - I know what this is like - and so you're going over it again and again in your head.

Acceptance is the first step; acceptance that this is the situation and you can't change it. All you can change is how you react to it. You said you're starting counselling which is great. Try some new things - I know it's hard with lockdown life, but new books, or films, or an online course. Even new routes if you're going for a walk or run. It'll help your brain to focus on new things

He hasn't got a family. He got a woman pregnant while you were on a break. Doesn't sound like he knows her particularly well. Plus, he's blaming you for him knocking someone up. Uh, what? Did you put his unprotected dick in her? Oh no he did that.

He really isn't the catch your brain is telling you he is. Especially how nasty he's being to you now. Give it a few weeks of zero contact and you'll look back and wonder why you thought so highly of him.

"Nobody I date feels familiar and safe."

I understand this. It's why I loved my ex so much. He felt like home. But I also know I can't make it what it isn't. I have to face up to it and let him go for my own good. I know how much it hurts but you have to keep going forward. There's some great advice here. New stuff is great. Keep going and that's great about counselling.

The reality is that if you had found someone new since you broke up, you wouldn’t be missing him. It sounds like you miss the relationship rather than him. If had stayed stuck in a relationship where your gut was saying it wasn’t quite right, you’d be missing out on finding that perfect person. Dating is tough but it’s tougher wasting your life on someone who is not right for you.
Focus on other things in your life - your friends, work, hobbies. You are young. Life will work out. Don’t waste it worrying about the past.

Thanks this is really helping me get some perspective. I know I’ve posted before but just really struggling with it all.

I’m extremely lonely (not literally, have lots of friends), but not having someone in my life is hard. I am ok on my own and made a life for myself but would do most things to be able to share it all with someone. That’s more the problem here I think, like a poster said above it is what he represents as what I don’t have rather than him in particular

@pleasehelps I understand. My exH has a partner and a new baby and I havent been able to find a new rship. I often feel alone, wonder what the future holds etc. I think its normal. But i second what someone else gas said here. Acceptance. You have to accept this has happened. I know it feel like a huge shame and big regret. I regret splitting witj my exH frequently. Then i see him at handovers and I remember what he was like. Its hard being alone (i am same age as you btw) but it is now- not forever

Being alone can definitely be tiring.

I know it's rough now, but being able to be independent is putting you in a really great position to meet someone else when the time is right. A relationship works best when you get into one because it's what you want rather than what you need.

I hear you with the regret OP. I go over and over events from 15 years ago where I made choices which I believe lost me the love of my life. Having said that, he doesn't sound half as nice as you've convinced yourself he is. But getting over that regret is hard, hard, hard. The good thing is your 34 and single. You have every opportunity for happiness.

Oh for goodness sake! Your posts are all about him supposedly loving you and all the things he would have given you, family, safety etc. But you didn't love him! The only reason you want him back is not because you love him but because you're lonely.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on. You didn't leave the relationship because it was perfect and wonderful and you'd have been happy forever, and the sooner you stop romanticising it, the sooner you'll have the head space to meet someone you actually love.

The more time you spend to try and get this loser back, the less time you'll have to find someone who makes you happy.

I'm less sympathetic than the others here for one reason only.. you don't want him, you want what he can give you/what he represents. Yes he handled the situation badly and he was a dick to blame you, but shit happens.

You're only whinging now because you haven't found someone else, you wouldn't give him a second thought otherwise.

After all, that's the only reason you went back didn't you? Despite the fact that you didn't want him, you wanted his love, the safety, the house with the picket fence and 2.5 kids. A fantasy, a dream. It wouldn't have lasted anyways as he's not what you want.

The toy you discarded got picked up by someone else, it's time to move on.

Well this got a bit harsh.

Haha yes I thought so too stocking

The thread has made me see its about what he represents rather than him in particular. Im just sad that he wanted to get back together, I think we would have been together if it hadn’t been for him moving in with her. It hurt that he said I had ruined things and we could have been happy now if it hadnt been for me. I thought we were embarking on something new together

How are you feeling about things now?

how can he know her so much to build a family together in such a short space of time?
putting it on social media so much looks like trying to get revenge.
dont go on dates yet, it will only make you misearble. first try to untangle yourself from this relationship.
if you wanted out before there must be enough reasons for you, try to remember that.

It’s a time of life thing, I think. Sadly us women are wired to assume that when mid 30s hit and we should have this little perfect household set up. Modern life doesn’t work out like that sometimes and it’s disconcerting. I’ve been where you are and I know a lot of other women have too - please find comfort in it being normal. Life will work out and I’m sure you have a lot of great elements in your life that others would crave.

Love bombing the first time. Showed his nasty streak the second time.

You have dodged a bullet.

Yes, he is right.

You live and learn.

He sounds awful op. Your instincts were right, be happy about that.

Of course you'll find love again, I think so many of us have felt like you do at the moment. I finished with my first long term boyfriend of 9 years, then thought I'd made a huge mistake tried to get him back but he wasn't interested because I had hurt him. I thought my world had ended I was 29 and felt like that was it. But it wasn't I'm now happily married to the love of my life with an beautiful 8 year old daughter. Don't give up it will happen again you went with your gut instinct initially and that is normally right

I’m amazed at all these posts saying how awful he is etc. You, ended it because you wanted to see other people. He agreed to take you back, found out he was unexpectedly going to be a dad and he was probably shocked and cross that by ending your relationship, he had stupidly got himself in that situation. So he was hitting out at you because he was cross at himself and with you. That’s not him being a dick at all, that’s just a normal reaction.

You thought you could do better. You realised you couldn’t and now your cross that he didn’t suck it up and take you back or that he had the audacity to blame you. Well, you need to own it. You are to blame for it not working out. You are not to blame for the pregnancy but you can’t sulk because he told you a much needed truth. If you had met someone better, you wouldn’t have given him another thought. So it’s probably for the best that he didn’t take you back for both your sakes. Maybe next time you’ll spend more time appreciating what you have rather than thinking the grass must be greener.

I don't think it would have worked out. You ended it for a valid reason. I think the way he came on too strong probably really bothered you at the time. You're just feeling lonely and you are remembering things differently. He hasn't been kind to you about the way things have ended the second time and kindness is so important in a relationship.
Try not to convince yourself it was perfect when it really wasn't. Move on from this one. You will meet someone in the future if that's what you want, but it's almost certainly for the best that this particular relationship has ended.

Sorry that you feel so bad OP

He didn't seem right to you - or you would not have left. Trust your instincts.

His behaviour to you since suggests that what repelled you was his controlling nature. (This is something that can seem like 'full on' caring.)

He hurt you intentionally and know exactly how to make you suffer.

He took no blame for you wanting to leave or the pregnancy.

You can do better and will find someone who would be forgiving and understanding even if you did something he didn't like.

But if a man left his wife and then came back and she took him back initially then said no, she’d be praised on here and posters would all be saying it was his own fault for leaving and thinking he could get something better.
@pleasehelps left thinking she could get someone better. He is not controlling for first agreeing to get back with her and then deciding it wasn’t for him. Spurned wives do that all the time; Forgive after being left or after an affair then realise they’re better than that. Nobody in MN calls them nasty and controlling.