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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How did you deal with being ghosted ?

72 replies

generalchaosthisyear · 31/07/2020 21:28

Not the usual ghosting but ghosted nonetheless .
Quick back story.
We were seeing each other for weeks, all went very well, we had plans to look
Forward to and then tragedy struck his family and he faded me out and eventually ghosted me.
I am gutted and feel like I made a fool of
Myself by sending regular messages of support and kindness.
How did you deal with being ghosted?? it hurts like hell right now.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 31/07/2020 21:32

Get busy and be a bit relieved you found out now.

Original poster
generalchaosthisyear · 31/07/2020 22:02

Thanks. I'm finding it difficult .

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 31/07/2020 22:05

No wonder but it would have been worse a week from now when you were more invested.

BitOfFun · 31/07/2020 22:06

You have nothing to reproach yourself for- please don't be hard on yourself.

Original poster
generalchaosthisyear · 31/07/2020 22:42

I feel embarrassed that I made such an effort to care and be kind with no expectation but those efforts were not acknowledged or responded to. I worry I can across as needy and desperate whereas my intentions were never centred on self interest.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 31/07/2020 22:44

I would worry too but supposing you were those things he could have said that he was busy or uninterested. How did it end? Have you sent hundreds of needy messages?

seensome · 31/07/2020 22:54

I was ghosted once after a second date and that was bad enough, I felt sad for quite a few weeks, although looking back now I know I shouldn't of invested in him so soon.
The best thing to do is talk to other men, online dating? You will find someone else.

Don't feel embarrassed, you had a heart and put good faith into him but don't let his lack of presence steal anymore of your precious time.

Original poster
generalchaosthisyear · 31/07/2020 23:03

Thanks. I sent a Message every week or so just checking in and always with no pressure to reply.
I simply gave up two weeks ago as he wasn't reading or
Responding.

OP posts:
gettingfedupagain · 31/07/2020 23:05

Did this family tragedy actually happen? If you only had his word for it he may have invented it

Original poster
generalchaosthisyear · 31/07/2020 23:06

It definitely did.

OP posts:
TigerDater · 31/07/2020 23:47

Delete all messages, block his number, let time heal. There’s never any shame in being a kind person

B1rdflyinghigh · 01/08/2020 00:01

We'd chatted for 6 months, met once and put him in the friend zone. Met again and felt sparks, we had the best kiss. Lovely chats for the next 2 days... then ghosted.

Drank wine and said lots of fk yous. Three weeks on, I've got my head around the fact that he was a complete a'hole and didn't have the balls to say, you're not for me. I shrunk him into insignificance!

Whathewhatnow · 01/08/2020 10:25

This happened to me recently. It's absolutely awful. Like you I offered him loads of support and got nothing back.

The thing is, it says much much more about them, than you. It is so juvenile and cowardly to do this. Much kinder to just say, not working out, I wish you the best. Instead, they've elected to run away from the tricky stuff leaving you hurting and wondering what you did wrong. Those are not the actions of a kind, decent person.

Big hug. It is horrible.

Whathewhatnow · 01/08/2020 10:26

And yes, blocking on everything is the way to go. I felt much better when I'd done that.

WinnieLo · 01/08/2020 10:32

By the sounds of it, that was nothing to do with you.

His perspective was altered. He was in a place to build a relationship, and then his perspective was altered massively by losing a family member.

It is very hard not to let it erode you though. Ghosting is always all about the ghoster but it's very hard. It happened to me a few times when I was dating on line. Each time it just chipped away at me. I did ''regenerate'' my self esteem, but it was a conscious process I had to engage in, ykwim.

vikingwife · 01/08/2020 10:34

I pretend in my mind that they died Grin

WinnieLo · 01/08/2020 10:48

I scripted my inner voice to be TURNED OFF by their being too stupid/entitled/cowardly to value me.

LIke, Winnie, imagine that level of idiocy. He could have done so well in the dating game to have had a relationship with ME, but he fucked it up. His loss. I am turned OFF by that shallowness. I am turned off by his poor communication skills, his entitlement to a younger/prettier version of me with fewer children. I am turned off by his cowardice being unable to communicate this to me directly. Eugh. Ick. I could do it. I would do it! I have done it. He cannot do it. Eugh, Ick. I have the ick.

It sounds narcissistic when I type it, but I said it to myself in a calm way. Just like, summing up, here are the facts winnie. Definitely not in a ragey way.

Whathewhatnow · 01/08/2020 10:55

WinnieLo I've also been doing a version of this but didnt realise till you wrote it down. It really works..

downwardspiral1 · 01/08/2020 10:58

His perspective was altered. He was in a place to build a relationship, and then his perspective was altered massively by losing a family member.

I agree with this. I think from another post (if you are the same poster) he might have lost a child?

If so that is an unimaginable amount of grief, so I wouldn’t count that as being ghosted. You have said that you are there to offer support if necessary, and I don’t think you can do any more than that. Your intentions were loving and you have nothing to feel embarrassed about.

Whathewhatnow · 01/08/2020 11:09

Ok losing a child puts a whole different slant on things.

peppermintteadrinker · 01/08/2020 11:40

Sounds like he just didn't have the headspace to deal with any feelings with you. You sound kind but it was obviously too much for him under the circumstances. Nothing to reproach yourself for. Sorry you're hurting.

Original poster
generalchaosthisyear · 01/08/2020 17:00

Thanks to previous posters. He did not lose a child but his loss was huge and
Life changing.
I shall simply have to accept it but I certainly feel like an idiot and I am
Cringing at making the efforts when they were not needed or wanted .

OP posts:
Dery · 01/08/2020 17:15

@generalchaosthisyear

You don’t know that your efforts were not needed or wanted. You did a kind thing and I’m sure it was the best thing to do in the circumstances. If he has suffered a devastating family bereavement, he probably does not have the emotional space for anything else right now. I suffered a close family bereavement earlier this year (very sad but not tragic) and for the first month didn’t want to speak to any friends.

Whathewhatnow · 01/08/2020 19:40

Cringing is normal. But in this case he really may have been too devastated to engage. Although I have to say, even when i am at my absolute lowest I don't ignore people's kindness....

You were kind. That is such a good quality. Don't lose sight of that.

harriethoyle · 01/08/2020 19:50

I was ghosted a few years ago. Felt dreadful at the time, so stupid etc. Best revenge? A year later, a note was put through my letter box (I'd blocked him on WhatsApp etc) apologising, saying he couldn't stop thinking about me, he was desperate to see me and explain, please could I text him and let him know either way because he couldn't bear not knowing.

Reader - I did not text him Grin

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