How did you deal with being ghosted ?

[generalchaosthisyear]

Not the usual ghosting but ghosted nonetheless .
Quick back story.
We were seeing each other for weeks, all went very well, we had plans to look
Forward to and then tragedy struck his family and he faded me out and eventually ghosted me.
I am gutted and feel like I made a fool of
Myself by sending regular messages of support and kindness.
How did you deal with being ghosted?? it hurts like hell right now.

@harriethoyle go you! Yer make your bed, pal. Hope you found someone who deserves you. Or are blissfully happy on your own.

In the circumstances, I think it is most likely that it has nothing to do with you. You haven't been too needy or pushy or whatever you are worried about. He is simply overwhelmed with the situation in his private life at the moment.

Being kind is a good thing and even if people can't reciprocate at the time, I think they appreciate it when they look back. You did the best you could in a difficult situation, hold your head up high and be proud of yourself. It is very sad that this has happened to him and it is shame for your relationship that won't proceed, but it isn't your fault in any way.

@Whathewhatnow thank you, that's very kind by the time he wrote I was, in fact, with my current partner who I'm marrying in a few months. So it all worked out beautifully!

I think suffering a devastating, life-changing family loss isn’t the same as just cutting someone out for no reason.

You had barely begun to see each other, you weren’t really even at the BF/GF stage, and although your support was well-meaning I imagine that he’s just not in the right space for it right now. And in truth, if he’d written back and said “sorry, but I don’t want to see you any more for now,” would you be any less upset?

This has happened to me a lot.

I just look in the mirror and say “you weren’t ghosted, you just let the trash take itself out”

@harriethoyle hurray. He did you a huge favour, didn't he?? bwahahaha. I'm really glad you got your happily ever after.

Ghosting is so utterly weird though. Okay if your ex is a nut and further engagement will just add grist to the mill... but otherwise?? It's just so indicative of a lack of integrity. It was never a thing in the past when I was in the thick of young love. You got (or gave!) the it's not you, it's me, speech. Everyone knew that was a lie but at least they/you cared enough to deal directly.

Op this will come across harsh but he sounds in the depths of grief and your take seems bizarre and self-interested. Empathy and space would bode well in this situation. I think you really need to work on your self-esteem and humility.

Op, I've just been ghosted too and it really really really hurts. But 99% of the time it's nothing you've done. It's something going on in their lives. You were kind and thoughtful. Please don't cringe at that, it's a wonderful gift to be that nice. Good things will come from this.

If he's suffered a life changing bereavement messaging someone he has only known a few weeks will be so far down his list. This is not about you.

I mean it is possible that this guy just shut down. But that is hard to comprehend if you are the kind of person who will maintain social contacts (no matter how perfunctory) in the blackest of times. Most people keep a bare minimum of social contact even during their worst moments

Why is it self-interested to wonder why someone where you had a mutual investment and an apparent connection, has turned away? Sure, I would not expect them to be physically present or having long chats. But to completely disappear?? Nope.

I think in this situation I'd try to realise it really wasn't about me. There were bigger things going on and I was not a major player.

I was suddenly ghosted once after seeing someone frequently for six months. It hurt like hell at the time but now I realise what a cowardly idiot he was and grateful it didn't go any further.
I felt incredibly confused and used. In retrospect I think he was either married and/or seeing other women at the time as me.

Fucks sake is he in the depths of grief.

My Dad died slowly and I was sole carer for him and my mother with dementia (did I mention I never got on with my mum?). Somehow my fingers didn't drop off, and I was able to squeeze a few seconds out of my day to reply to people who mattered.

Mumsnet is fullof people who will excuse any shite behaviour.

OP, you've known him a matter of weeks, why are you so invested? Chances are he fast-forwarded and love-bombed you (google them). Ultimately, you need to look at your own vulnerabilities. At a few weeks in, you need ot be in control of your heart so it is no problem at all to do a 'bye Felicia'.

What @ChristmasFluff said. Can you imagine this guy if you had a crisis?? Would it all just be too much?? yes it fucking would

I almost posted my own thread about ghosting but didn't as you've got this one. (I updated my old one instead). It hurts like hell and mine was after a year and a half and him saying I was forever.

@Whathewhatnow is right. He wouldn't be there for you. I've realised that about mine. I know he's weak. It's no good. though I miss him hugely and I'm still crying every day

Don't cringe at your kind messages OP. Once a week was hardly harassing him, you did the right thing in the circumstances by being there but backing off when he was not responding.

I know ghosting feels shitty regardless but this is one of the few situations where going quiet and leaving someone newish hanging is understandable, if not ideal behaviour. It is no reflection on you.

Definitely leave off contacting him, as you are doing. I feel that best way to move on is simply to get back out there, maybe set up some online dates.

Dont cringe at your messages. He just cant cope with a relationship. Your messsges were authentic. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. It is sad, but no reflection on you.

The quickest way to get over him is to think of someone else.

So put yourself out there on OLD or whatever and move on. You got this. You can do it.

I understand why you are feeling hurt, but in time you will come to appreciate this action is nothing to do with you...and plenty to do with him. I was ghosted once by a boyfriend of 8 months. He met my kids, we went on holiday together, he mentioned marriage and living together...I met his father and his best friend. It was kind of serious. Then I was ill, rather critically and unexpectedly. I got a bad skin rash all over my face, blacked out a few times for a few weeks, and I was feeling very sick. Lots of tests later, a genetic illness was identified. Even before the formal diagnosis was made, his messages started to fade. My last text to him was to tell him the doctors had found the answer (a treatment plan). He said he needed time to think if he could have a relationship or intimacy with someone 'ill', that treatment might change me physically (steroids cause weight gain for some)...and then vanished when I was admitted to hospital. He was supposed to be picking me up from the ward, but just disappeared and blocked me on the discharge day. I sent him stuff back months later and he emailed me saying he had made a big mistake, was stressed about a family matter and wanted to see me...I refused...his ghosting behaviour told me all I needed to know about him. I feel relief when I think about the bullet I dodged with him, and I hope you feel the same way in time. This man may be dealing with a difficult family loss at the moment but politeness costs nothing.

Thanks for replies. They certainly vary! I will
Leave it now and move on.

It really changes a relationship when one of you goes through the loss of a close family member. It's hard for the partner to know what the one who's grieving wants (they don't themselves know either). My DH's DF died in a car accident early in our marriage (we only dated for 10 months before we got married anyway). We just didn't connect at first. He was constantly on the phone to his DM, which I understood but struggled with it. It didn't help that I was supporting my DSis as well, who had come out of an abusive marriage and was getting divorced. So I was on the phone to her a lot too.

We were married so we persevered, but it was really difficult for a long time. With a new relationship, I can imagine that he just doesn't have the headspace for it and that's why he's stopped communicating with you.

It is rude of him not to answer at all, but I do think you should cut him some slack about it. But I suspect you need to take from it that at the moment he doesn't want to continue the relationship with you. No need to cringe, though, it's not as if you were pressurising him. You were being kind and that's never wrong.

Thanks this is really helping me get some perspective. I know I’ve posted before but just really struggling with it all.

I’m extremely lonely (not literally, have lots of friends), but not having someone in my life is hard. I am ok on my own and made a life for myself but would do most things to be able to share it all with someone. That’s more the problem here I think, like a poster said above it is what he represents as what I don’t have rather than him in particular.

Whoops wrong thread sorry!!!

Ghosting is horrible.

A little different to your story but I chatted for ages to someone as a friend mainly since I was leaving my marriage and not ready to start a new relationship whereas he was looking for a relationship. He met someone and we continued chatting as friends then he suddenly didn't answer.

It was awful, I assumed he had died (I know I was stupid) since it was so rude and odd. I sent a number of messages over a period of months and suddenly he replied to say he was well and happy in a relationship and that he just disconnected from the world (not just me) due to depression. I was pleased he was happy and we chatted occasionally as friends. He then suddenly ghosted a second time. I didn't worry so much since he was in a relationship and happy.

I sent an occasional friendly message and he then answered, wasn't sure the woman he had been dating for 2 years was the right one, he thought he had 'settled' for her etc (very disrespectful of her), different tastes/education ete and made out she wasn't all that. We chatted as friends then he whatsapp me and became sexual towards me. I thought his relationship was over and responded and said I had really started to like him - wallop - he pulled back and decided to continue with her.... realised what an idiot I was! He was playing games with me. He was hoping for a casual screw whilst deciding if the woman he ws seeing was ok or not - a complete prat - he never replied to my message telling him what I thought of him - surprise surprise ....

You get over it. There are some complete idiots and not nice men out there. Put it down to a lucky escape.