How did you deal with being ghosted ?

[generalchaosthisyear]

Not the usual ghosting but ghosted nonetheless .
Quick back story.
We were seeing each other for weeks, all went very well, we had plans to look
Forward to and then tragedy struck his family and he faded me out and eventually ghosted me.
I am gutted and feel like I made a fool of
Myself by sending regular messages of support and kindness.
How did you deal with being ghosted?? it hurts like hell right now.

@harriethoyle

Brilliant, I love that. Ghosters are just cowards really aren't they.

As an update, I noticed he was back on Sm liking random posts and seemed busy on the app we used to text.
He posted some very happy photographs which led me to believe that he was in a better place but hurt me that he still hadn't responded to me.
So I text him.. a general well wishing message.
He was on line on and off for hours but didn't open or respond to my message.
I sent a subsequent text saying how disappointed I felt because the sentiments came from a good place with no expectation from him and how I found it cruel to be ghosted for want of a better word and found the whole thing essentially rude.
He never read it or responded.
Do I block him at this stage , just to protect my own self?

Yes

I find it incredible that somebody so lovely and with whom I shared a connection, could be so callous and cold.
What a coward.

Yes, just block: you have your answer. There's nothing more to say now. Don't beat yourself up for trying to be kind.

Focus your energies on you now.

So regardless of the trauma the person has been through, is there any excuse for rudeness in this case in your opinion? Thanks. I want to be sure I'm doing the right thing .

Grief does make people respond in ways that are out of character, so I wouldn't judge him to be callous, that's very harsh. He has been rude, certainly, and you don't have to put up with it, but I think it's more a case of being self absorbed rather than cold and callous, or cowardly.

I think there's a good chance that he might at a later point apologise for his treatment of you, and then it will be your call whether you want him back in your life.

If this is genuinely out of character behaviour because of grief, and if he had a genuine connection with you, he will want to apologise for his behaviour towards you. If he doesn't, well he wasn't who you thought he was in the first place and you'll be well rid.

Thanks @Mittens030869

During lockdown, someone who's company I enjoyed stop replying. I wouldn't say out and out ghosting, as he would occasionally grace me with a reply but it was intermittent and lacklustre.

A close friend of his had died, he was on furlough and worried about money and having some difficulties with his roommate. It explained a lot of his behaviour, but I withdrew because he wasn't ready for what I was looking for, and I didn't know how long it would take for him to be ready. And what if I did wait? Would his feelings change? Would mine?

So in a nutshell, he may well being going through grief and struggling and I wouldn't be surprised if you did hear from him again in the future, but I would let him go now and move on.

I was ghosted once, I don’t think there’s any point aiming for a state where you can just shrug it off, as surely that entails disconnecting from people to some extent.
Disappointment and hurt in this situation is totally natural. I think the aspect you can work on avoiding is allowing it to debilitatingly influence how you see yourself.

Thanks for advice.
I am Feeling pretty shit about it all

OP, I’m sorry, it’s not a nice way to behave. I really respect that you called him out on it though!

Hi OP. It's up to you to block or leave the door slightly open for him to message you when he's ready. Worst case scenario is he will block you which might make you feel even worse so might be better to get in there first if you feel there's a possibility he may do that.

In the meantime, distract yourself as much as possible... make plans with people who actually want to talk to you and connect with you.

Thanks. In some ways I wonder why he had not blocked if he doesn't want contact or appreciate it, as I have sent several unread( apparently) messages . Maybe he is reading them and chooses to ignore for several valid reasons .
Perhaps it would be easier if he did block me.

It sounds like he's already blocked you if the messages are unread. You need to find closure and move on.

He’s not blocked because he gets an ego boost thinking of you contacting him even though he’s making no effort to contact you. People who ghost are cowards and heartless. I see it as a lucky escape. I started online dating a few months ago and if I lose interest in someone I just tell them I don’t see anything happening between us and wish them all the best for the future. I can’t believe the lack of basic manners we’re all meant to tolerate. Ghosting should not be a term, never mind, the norm during dating.

I had someone chase me, we'd text every day, call every week....suddenly he was too busy and it all ghosted off quickly.
Turns out he'd been made redundant a few weeks before and now had gotten a new job - I was just something to fill his empty time and give some ego strokes to while he was between jobs.

You never know the truth of the thing so try not to take it personally - some people just aren't where they think they are once real life happens to them.

I've been OLD / single for three years now. Ghosting, fading, other behaviour like that seems much more prevalent than when I was last dating over ten years ago and I honestly blame the disposable, swipe next culture that the apps have created. Always something "better" round the corner. I only ever count a relationship I have as valid for today and if someone wants to contact you, they will.

I'm sorry you were treated badly by this person.

I had a conversation with a friend about this last night.

I used to think that people were misguided in thinking that they were reducing your hurt/embarrassment but actually they don't give a shit about that, they just want to reduce it for themselves.

There seems to be a trend in just withdrawing from social interactions where we feel uncomfortable. I see it here on MN where the nore common response is to not get involved, not say anything, not explain.

There's a line in 'He's just not that into you' which stuck in my head:
"a man would rather walk over hot coals than tell you he's not interested".

So it predates swipe culture but swipe culture has definitely made it worse.

I've been ghosted recently.

I was chatting to someone and told them I'd lost my job. Then they were gone .....

@generalchaosthisyear i would have behaved exactly as you did, you have no reason to feel embarrassed when you are just being a decent person. I have been ghosted before it's very hurtful. Most recently, a person I'd been seeing for 6 weeks disappeared and didn't answer messages for 2 days when unwell. I sent messages checking he was ok etc which went unanswered and I was very upset that I was actually being ghosted by someone who had seemed so lovely and that I had invested in. In the end he was actually having a bad time not coping being ill but it certainly put a new spin on things and made me realise he had it in him to disappear like that. It was good I saw that in him. I guess I'm saying you have no control over what others do and can only do what's best for you. I personally found strength in thinking I was always honest, upfront and would never treat someone in a ghosting manner.