Partner sucks at comforting me

[catsandlavender]

My partner and I have been together for 4 years. We have a good relationship and he is an absolutely excellent support to me in practical terms - he has made it so that I haven’t had to worry about money at all during times that would have been v stressful without him, whilst also going to great lengths to make sure I don’t feel reliant on him. He’s my rock in lots of ways.

However, we are quite different in the ways that we respond to stress, upset and conflict. This bothers me sometimes. Neither of us are wrong but we just handle it different. I’m going through a shit time at the moment, upset, on edge, tearful and anxious about feeling like there’s no light at the end of the fucking Covid tunnel, missing my family etc. I was crying about it earlier and the only response he has is “well no one knows what’s going to happen so we all just have to get on with it”. He says this nicely, not in an unkind way, but he’s literally just like “just try not to think about it, it’s all necessary restrictions” MATE I KNOW! just put your arm round me and say “aww I know it’s shit but it’ll be ok”.

Does anyone else have a partner who is excellent at practical support but crap a lot of the time at being sympathetic 😂 I feel ungrateful, but i wish sometimes that he’d be a bit warmer and less practical when I’m upset.

Yep, recognise all this.

I don’t have an answer. It does my head in. To be honest even though I’ve told him a million times nothing really changes.

Then he’s suprised when l start having a go at him. I think he’s trying to console me in his way, and that counts towards a lot.

Yes.

I've been married for 17 years. My DH is very strong, reliable and a good practical support (sometimes a bit missing in action around school stuff).

My dad died a few years ago and he was great. This month my beloved mum was taken ill suddenly and has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and has no hope, just a few weeks left. I'm beyond heart broken and barely holding it together. I can't even visit her. The shock at this is all consuming. I'm very tearful and talking a lot of fandom things. I feel like I must have hidden cancer also because in my head, now, this is how goes in my family. Why wouldn't I have terminal cancer? My mum was fit and active, completely unaware. Why not me too?
Dh laughed at me. He laughed. We had a fucking massive fall out about that one.

The more devastated I feel the more he runs away.

Yes very much so. OH is averse to showing affection or concern for me. I recently hurt myself through clumsiness (not uncommon) and his response was awkward silence, followed by suggesting that there was something wrong with me because I do this so often and I should see a doctor.
He will do anything that requires practical effort around the house (makes drinks, cleans, cooks, all the DIY, gardening, car maintenance etc) but showing physical or verbal affection is impossible and actively makes him squirm.
He is able to recognise that this isn't normal but unable to change it. His parents were the same and he doesn't remember them showing him physical or verbal affection either.

@Milicentbystander72 oh god, I am so so sorry to hear that. That is so fucking shit. How dare your H laugh at you? That is absolutely vile. I feel a bit bad posting this because my DP would never do that, that’s absolutely beyond the pale. I hope you’re ok as you can be and have other support. And for what it’s worth, your thoughts and worries are totally valid and I’d say a normal response to that trauma. I’m sure they’re not necessarily “true” but who cares?! They’re NORMAL.

@GingerBeverage my DP isn’t that bad - if I hurt myself he’s very caring and attentive. I cry a lot so I wonder if he’s just become desensitised? 😂 I don’t make a big deal out of it, I’m just an emotional person. It’s more that mine just tends to give practical advice when I don’t want him to solve the problem I just want him to cuddle me and say “that’s shit”, I think because that wouldn’t make him feel better he doesn’t offer it! 🤦‍♀️

Thanks OP.

For what it's worth, the only time I've ever made any progress with DH in this regard over the years is to him blatantly what I need. For example when my dad died I said simply outright that I need lots of cuddles and just literally a shoulder to cry on. He did all this really well. He was wonderful at the funeral and afterwards. Which is why I went ballistic when he laughed at me earlier. He said he laughed because it was so ridiculous. What he can't understand is that at the moment to me it's not ridiculous. I'm so traumatised that I 'forgot' to tell him exactly what I need. How tedious.

Anyway, I can only deal with one thing at a time.

OP Have you told your DP very plainly what it is you need him to do/say? It might give him a foothold?

@Milicentbystander72 ugh. You would hope that he’d have at least a bit of insight into how inappropriate that was without being told!

I have, lots of times - I’ve said to him “sometimes I just want you to empathise with me rather than trying to solve the problem” but he just doesn’t really seem to like... do it. He will give a hug eventually but a lot of the time if I’m actively upset he won’t give me a lot of emotional support.

I’ve frequently accused my dh of making it worse.And then he seems confused.....?

I had this with an ex partner, it was one of the reasons I eventually left him. For me personally, it was a deal breaker because the way I look at it is that I can get by without all that practical and financial support -- these are things I can do myself generally, even if it makes life harder sometimes. But when things are really terrible and you need emotional support, that's when you really need the other person.

I didn't blame him for not being able to do it, it's how he was, but I just eventually couldn't see the point in a partner who was no comfort at all during (for ex) a bereavement.

OP only you can say if this is a dealbreaker for you. It's unlikely he will ever really change so you need to decide whether you can deal with it. I just wanted to say that it's perfectly legitimate to decide that it is a dealbreaker for you.

God, I thought he was just being a bit crap but he’s actually really upset me. I suffer from anxiety and I’ve felt panicky tonight and he’s literally just like “your life isn’t that bad”. I feel like I can’t open up to him at all, and then if I say that to him he gets angry?
He’s been at work this week and he’s just said that he’s too tired, he has no energy, I’ve been at home all week etc (I’m a teacher, this is my allocated holiday time...). I understand being drained from work and not having the space to emotionally support your partner but he hasn’t even tried this week at all?! And I always try for him even when I’m knackered from work.

I mean, for fucks sake, he knows I’m feeling really shit and overwhelmed and anxious all week and he’s angry at me now for asking for him to just BE NICE about it. I go on holiday with him tomorrow and I actually cannot face it

(U.K. holiday!! Not abroad)

@dreamingbohemian it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me because usually the emotional support does come, and the practical support is so important to me.. but tonight he’s been such a twat and completely put his needs first. Literally not even an ounce of sympathy- it feels like it actually takes more effort for him to be an arse about it than it would to just spend 5 seconds giving me a hug?!

I do think if my mum was dying of cancer my generally crap at comforting dh would try very hard to comfort and console me. In fact he did when my mum died, but did get a bit impatient at some points.

I do think it is crap that he isn’t supporting you through what must be a horribly traumatic time. And in terms of putting his own needs first, l can’t think would would require more that your email dying if cancer and you can’t even see her.

That really is selfish behaviour imo. A parental death is huge and hard. He needs to get his act together and help you

Email? ..... dm

Yes! My DP is a typical male 'fixer'. He finds practical suggestions and solutions, which is very helpful but sometimes I just want a hug and some understanding.

Yes and think about that -- it would be quicker and easier to just give you a hug, but he doesn't. Why? What does that say about him?

You don't say whether you have kids, how old you are, but what I would say as someone pushing 50, life will throw you a lot of hard things over the years, I am not sure how I would have coped with everything if my DH was not supportive.

He is supportive though, just not in the way OP needed in that moment.

This isn’t a Male female thing. If my husband was “tearful anxious and crying about Covid” in reality I’d likely tell him to get a grip and not give him any attention. So your partner did better than I would

The other scenarios people are posting about I personally perceive as very different, and I would support.

I’m 26. No kids, he’s 32. When I come to him stressed out with a problem that’s financial, for example, he will sit and talk it through and help me find a solution. He is supportive in lots of ways - but tonight I’ve just felt shocked at his behaviour. To be fair I get it, kind of; I’ve had times when I am exhausted with work and he’s down about something and I’m just like, honestly I do not have the emotional capacity to deal with this right now. But I still at least try/pretend to be invested in it!
I just feel my mental health has taken a massive downturn and he’s effectively said he doesn’t really want to hear it because he’s been at work all week and “just wants to hang out with me without it being serious all the time”

@Bluntness100 thank you so much for that really kind comment that you absolutely had to make on a thread about someone having a hard time with their mental health!

My DH is the same, a total rock and can always be relied upon but can be a bit blunt when it comes to comforting.

He even told me after a traumatic birth 'well the midwives told you you wouldn't be able to push if you had an epidural'. (It was nothing to do with that as baby was stuck in the wrong position)

There are so many examples I can think of, I just accept that he's mostly practical in his response though occasionally he does get called an arsehole.

@rotavixsucks yep that’s exactly it - he’s super reliable, always there for me in a practical sense, and I love him for it. But when I need him to be there for me emotionally he just can’t really do it in the way that I need - whether that’s an issue on my part I’m not sure, but happy to accept if it is.
I obviously have other people who I can go to for that support such as my mum, sister, friends etc, but I can’t hug any of them and it’s difficult when you’re going through a bit of a dark spiral and the person you live with is like “not my problem”!

Dp and I are both the type to offer, and appreciate in return the practical type of support, rather than reassurance. There have been times when one or both of us have had a shit experience and we both appreciate physical comfort, but even then it's not really about words of comfort, or seeking reassurance.

I've got to say I agree with @Bluntness100, and in the long term, responding the way you currently want isn't a healthy way forward for the relationship, or the mental health of either of you.

That kind of support you mention sitting down and helping you figure out a financial problem actually serves as a nice ego boost, there is some benefit for him. A lot of people like explaining things, solving problems, even offering money, because it makes them feel good about themselves.

The kind of support you want hugs and comfort has no benefit for him. It is an effort he has to make with no reward. So he doesn't want to do it.

You are still so young. Don't settle.

I mean, fair enough - but how is giving your long term partner a hug when they’re upset not healthy? I thought that was part of a relationship.

I’m a teacher, I’ve worked during the pandemic. This is really the first time I’ve cracked throughout the whole thing, and I’m not asking him to look after me/do everything for me. I just would like for him to look up from his phone and say something other than “you’ve got to get over it”. I don’t really think that is unhealthy or an unreasonable request.

Emotional support-giving is a skill. Some people don't have it or don't get taught it, or even are discouraged from offering it. Most men are trained from birth not to feel their emotions, it creates a common condition called normative male alexithymia. Basically this means that possibly the majority of men don't even have the ability to name their own emotions, let alone empathise with someone else. Certainly I think it is rare for boys to be trained to emotionally support anyone, not in the way girls are in any case. (Generally speaking)

If your DP has low skills in giving emotional support, then trying to support you will quickly exhaust him. He is "unfit" just like someone who doesn't exercise much - trying to do the thing he has low skill in, will exhaust him very quickly.

Add to that, a person who has low emotional insight is likely to experience pretty much all negative feelings (worry, anger, guilt, sadness, exhaustion, pain, hopelessness, fear, etc.) as a blanket emotion of "irritated" or "angry", and all positive feelings as a blanket of "contented" or even "blank/no emotion".

This is important to know, because basically your DP may be feeling very fearful and hopeless (for example) about your MH - but if he already has low emotional insight, he may only express that as being annoyed or impatient or even angry with you. Add to that that he may be absolutely exhausted by trying to do something he is terrible at (i.e., offering emotional support), and it can make him very snappy and generally shit, sadly.

I appreciate how upsetting it is for you, but you also can't make a person be good at something just by requiring it of them. Maybe he is actually an arsehole, I don't know, or maybe he honestly just does not have the ability to support you in the way you want - either way - it's pointless getting upset with him over it. You will only magnify all the problems you're already experiencing.

If I were you I'd go to him for hugs, and then get on the phone for a cry with someone else. You will get through this time, even though your partner isn't doing a stellar job. Deep breaths and remember no-one can solve all the issues brought on by this COVID situation - it is very hard and something we need to essentially wait out.

@dreamingbohemian perhaps - he’s been in nasty debt before and feels very strongly about me not doing the same (I’m not in danger of that!) so he’s very keen to take my money worries away, because he can empathise with them. He’s very good if I’m experiencing a difficulty that he has experienced, but if not - it’s like, “ahh your life isn’t that bad, get over it”