Partner sucks at comforting me

[catsandlavender]

My partner and I have been together for 4 years. We have a good relationship and he is an absolutely excellent support to me in practical terms - he has made it so that I haven’t had to worry about money at all during times that would have been v stressful without him, whilst also going to great lengths to make sure I don’t feel reliant on him. He’s my rock in lots of ways.

However, we are quite different in the ways that we respond to stress, upset and conflict. This bothers me sometimes. Neither of us are wrong but we just handle it different. I’m going through a shit time at the moment, upset, on edge, tearful and anxious about feeling like there’s no light at the end of the fucking Covid tunnel, missing my family etc. I was crying about it earlier and the only response he has is “well no one knows what’s going to happen so we all just have to get on with it”. He says this nicely, not in an unkind way, but he’s literally just like “just try not to think about it, it’s all necessary restrictions” MATE I KNOW! just put your arm round me and say “aww I know it’s shit but it’ll be ok”.

Does anyone else have a partner who is excellent at practical support but crap a lot of the time at being sympathetic 😂 I feel ungrateful, but i wish sometimes that he’d be a bit warmer and less practical when I’m upset.

I’m sorry, have not meant to suggest you go crying to him constantly!

I don’t think it’s very good that when you ask for a hug he fobs you off or won’t give one at all.

Do you feel like he is irritated by your emotions or more blase?

On average would you say he sees you cry once a week? Month ? When you say you cry at the Tv how often are we talking here ?

If you think about not seeing your parents this year right now, could it bring you to tears in this moment, or do you just feel unhappy ?at this thought?

It’s really hard living far away from family & not being able to see them, covid has really changed the world & affected countless lives + families. It really is sad. Is it set in stone you can’t visit this year, or more a possibility ?

I am a somewhat emotional person. My dp is like you describe but he is ASD. He is amazing at practical help and always willing to help (unless in a hyperfocus mood doing work) but just can’t do emotional support in the way I would like. He is a good person and wants to be there but on his own admission just has low empathy, finds emotional situations confusing and struggles with processing his own emotions (comes out only really as fine/neutral or irritated/angry). He doesn’t enjoy physical contact but has learnt when I am upset, crying etc that he should give me a hug. He is great at making tea. I have found we have different love languages and I can either recognise when he is showing me he cares in his own way or default to feel very sad/lonely. Sometimes I just say ‘I need a hug’ when to other past partners it was more automatic. It isn’t always easy but he is how he is and I can choose to accept it or not. I find seeing his good intentions helps me process our differences. He has other good points so you weight it all up!

@vikingwife no it’s ok!

He’s more blasé, he won’t get cross about it (which is good). I think he sees me cry maybe like.. once a fortnight? but if it’s my time of the month then probably once a week. I also mean like, maybe a minute or so of being testy, not sobbing!!!
No I definitely couldn’t cry about it now, it’s a sad thing but I couldn’t cry over it. I can see them! Just only outside and Christmas is very much up in the air. From September I also can’t see them often at all because I’m a teacher and will be exposed to a lot of germs. I’m very lucky that I can see them at all, I totally do not have it super hard! It just got on top of me last night after holding it all together since March. He just doesn’t really get it as he can see his family as normal.

*teary not testy!

@Mistymonday two of DP’s brothers have ASD but he definitely doesn’t... I don’t think anyway. My ex had ASD and it was clear as day, although everyone is different. As you say, you weigh it up. I truly really value the stress he has taken from me by giving practical support, it’s so kind of him and I would never want him to think I didn’t appreciate it. It wouldn’t be healthy at all for me to get all my support from him, and I really don’t. My friendships support me in a massive way, I just feel like he won’t even do the bare minimum of giving me a hug when I’m upset and that, along with some other things, can get to me sometimes.

But just “I’m tired, I don’t have the energy, you have to get on with it” when I hardly ever ask for his support with anxiety/low mood is a bit much IMO,

But that’s for his mental health. If he doesn’t have the emotional capacity or energy to deal with it then you need to respect that.

I think the difference is op things like anorexia or cancer etc are all very specific to the person, things like Covid we are all dealing with, and how he deals with it, is as valid as how you do. If he hasn’t got the mental energy then that’s as valid as you sitting crying.

You are coming across that he needs to be there if you’re having a mental health issue but you have no concept of how he’s coping, and not focusing on it, not giving it time, maybe his way through it. For some reason though you see him not having the mental energy as some form of failing on his part, yet you see no failure on your part to understand why he feels that way, nor do you show any interest in finding out.

Never saying sorry is really unkind.

He is never going to change OP so you either have to accept that this is what your life will be, or you hold out for someone you are more compatible with. At your age I'd be doing the latter, you have plenty of time to find someone else.

You don't say if you want to have kids, but MN is full of posts from women struggling with young children and in despair because their partners offer no emotional support. You don't want to sleepwalk into that kind of scenario.

@rvby your post blew me away. I know so many men like that. So many. And also a few women.

Does he have ASD traits or not? You say he did, but now say 2 of his brothers have it, but he definitely does not.

If 2 of his male siblings have it there is even more of a chance he could be on the spectrum too

Also you really made it sound like you’ve been unable to see family & they are far away, but now it turns out you do actually see them.

Crying once a fortnight then once a week during period time I would personally consider to be a lot.

I think if you know he may have ASD traits you may be setting yourself up for disappointment to expect things he is incapable of providing, based on historical behaviour. It sounds like your expectations may be unrealistic, based on what you’ve said so far.

He is never going to change OP

I just don’t get this, it’s like his feelings or mental health is irrelevant, he’s just a warm body to give support. He said he’s not go the energy, that’s about how he’s coping. If he needs to withdraw, not engage, to protect himself then that’s just as valid as the op sitting crying. Neither of the S mental health trumps the others.

If you ask for a hug and he says no that is horrible. Never mind Men are from Mars, that’s just mean. So is never saying sorry. Sounds emotionally immature to be honest.

Might be useful to read about attachment theory. He sounds like avoidant, you sound anxious.

@Bluntness100 oh 100%, as I said earlier I really get that when you’re knackered from work you don’t really have the emotional space for your partners problems. I’ve been there, it’s totally normal.

What is not really as acceptable to me is 4 years of barely giving any emotional support. I do things for him that I don’t necessarily want to do (such as listen to him talk about guitars or plants for a very long time), but he doesn’t seem able to do the same for me. I find that hard. I don’t think I would be alone in feeling that way. If this was a one off, sorry babe I’m just too tired, thing - fine. It’s not, if he doesn’t want to do something he just won’t do it.

He can suffer from low mood periodically, and I often spend a long time listening to him talk about it and trying to find a way through. I don’t always jump for joy at doing that, amazingly - but he needs it, so it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth for him to not even look up from his phone when I need a bit of support.
The other day on the way home from work he phoned me three times ranting about stuff, and said he was going to “get arrested for assault” because someone took his parking space (he’s the least violent person). I’m expected to just sit and listen to that, and agree with him, which is quite stressful. It doesn’t go both ways. (And if I said, hey you’re kind of overreacting, he’d go off on how I’m “never on his side”)

@dreamingbohemian the biggest thing in the relationship is him never saying sorry. I’ve expressed so many times that things turn into a bigger issue because he just point blank refuses to say sorry. He also turns away from me and refuses to look at me if we ever argue. Christ I’m not painting a good picture 😂

@vikingwife I’m not sure I ever said my parents live far and I can’t see them - I said I am seeing them outside, and when I go back to work I won’t really be able to see them much at all as I’ll be in class and they are vulnerable. I see them briefly in their garden occasionally at the moment. Sorry if it came off differently.

Of course his mental health is also important but the more you write OP, it sounds like a very unbalanced relationship.

You did allude to not being able to see your family

I’m going through a shit time at the moment, upset, on edge, tearful and anxious about feeling like there’s no light at the end of the fucking Covid tunnel, missing my family etc. I was crying about it earlier and the only response he has is “well no one knows what’s going to happen so we all just have to get on with it”. He says this nicely, not in an unkind way, but he’s literally just like “just try not to think about it, it’s all necessary restrictions”

Then you go on to say you have cried about not being able to hug your family or go to your parents house this whole year.

And now you say you do see them !

So am kind of confused as to why this specifically is an issue to cry about & need to be consoled over & talk it through. Like I am struggling to understand what it is you are actually upset about in relation to your family which brought you to tears & required his support over.

It is my mistake assuming they lived far away, it was the combination of saying you were missing your family & that you couldn’t go to their house this whole year.

So this isn’t even an actual fact ? It is possible you may be able to visit the house at some stage this year?

And I will say am not in your country so am uncertain as to how lockdown is affecting you & your family specifically, but it does seem like you have seen them recently & could see them again if you wish to. You can’t seriously have been crying because you physically can’t walk into the house... ?

@vikingwife I really don’t want to come across rude, but I didn’t start this thread to justify, in detail, why I was upset to a stranger.

I was upset last night, for the first time properly since lockdown started, because I was thinking about how I’m not able to have dinner with my family, or hug them, or spend the night, have a relaxed time where I’m not constantly thinking about always being 2m away from them, etc. I come from a big family and we used to have gatherings a lot, and I miss that. I’m afraid I’m not going to be made to feel as though that’s hugely pathetic or unreasonable. You may be someone to whom that wouldn’t matter, which is fine, but it does matter to me.

I literally never said I couldn’t visit them. I’m not trying to mislead you.

I was just trying to understand. You sound kind of hostile & we are all strangers here. I was asking for more details to understand what exactly the problem was to cause tears, I confess am still unsure & the hostility is telling to me. I will bow out now. Best of luck OP.

Have you not ever just felt a bit overwhelmed about something? Sorry, I don’t mean to come off hostile but when you say “you can’t seriously have been crying about X”, it’s a bit belittling. Thank you for your viewpoint though, it’s good to see other people’s perspectives.

Sorry op, I wasn't trying to imply you want him to enable your anxiety, even on a subconscious level. It's just that regardless of whether you or he even realise that's the situation it creates, that's how it tends to play out. Think of it like alcohol or drugs, at first you'll feel better and think it's helping, but over time you just need more at increasing intervals because it isn't solving the cause.

I think his ex is very relevant. If she was metaphorically asking him to run a 25k marathon every/ most days, on top of normal daily life, it doesn't matter if you're only asking him to walk 5 miles once a week. If his legs are fucked he's going to struggle.

@rvby fair enough, it just read as though you thought it the most likely explanation.

@TrainspottingWelsh yeah I agree with you, I definitely think his tolerance is less as he spent three years dealing with that. I completely get it, I think it fully wore him down.